Those are some great suggestions, thanks. You're right though--I need to put some thought into it and figure out my strategy.

Day 1 ended up being pretty interesting. WW is having an existential crisis. Life seems pretty pointless to her right now. Is there anything more to life than getting up, taking the kid to school, going to work, picking the kid up from school, cooking dinner, going to sleep, start it all over the next day? I tried to calm her down and we talked for quite a while. I didn't try to answer her questions, because I don't actually think she wanted answers, and she probably needs to figure those things out for herself, ultimately. I did share my thoughts where appropriate, and although it didn't magically make everything wonderful, it was one of the better discussions we've had in months.

She also said that she was blown away by what an awfully horrible idea having an affair was. She wants to tell anyone who's even thinking about it that it's not worth it at all, that nothing is worth all the pain it causes. She cried a lot. She tried to think of anything good that came out of it. She says that she and OM got to have some fun for awhile, and that OMW and I get to have the moral high ground. I told her that the moral high ground doesn't relieve my pain any more than the fun she had relieves hers. That comment did raise my ire a bit, but I held my tongue.

I can sense that she still doesn't know how she feels about our marriage. I'm not expecting her too at this point, but I can tell she's struggling with it, can't imagine that it could ever work out after what she did. She asked me why I haven't kicked her to the curb. I told her she would have to figure that out by herself, but that it shouldn't be hard. She doesn't think she deserves to be loved anymore.

Overall, it was a pleasant night with someone who actually bears some resemblance to the woman I married. Pretty good accomplishment for us, considering it was Day 1.

I'm a lighthouse...

Urg! Tonight has been especially difficult, more for me than for WW. A little backstory is required...

There is this guy. He's from before my wife and I were married. WW had always considered him The One, her soulmate, etc. But he was married. So she never pursued it. However, I found out--about the same time as I found out about the affair--that he actually pursued her earlier this year, when he was really unhappy in his marriage (he has a kid) and there was some kissing and such, but WW didn't go for it, and got pretty upset at him and hasn't spoken to him since. (This was before the affair with OM.)

Well, I checked her cell phone and she called him today. Short call, probably only left a message, but it is something I am now very upset about.

Is she looking to have another affair? This time with someone who will definitely be a willing participant and will follow through to the end (leave his family for WW)? I have to admit, this scares me. Tonight, Plan A has been REALLY REALLY HARD. I'm mad. I'm not good at pretending I'm not, and she can tell. I'm trying to hide it, but this kind of thing is what makes me just want to end this mess immediately.

I don't know if I can handle it. I want to ask her about it, but I'm stuck between confronting her about it and not causing any trouble. I guess I could be wrong, but frankly, I've been right so often throughout this thing, I tend to go with my instincts on this one.

This "mini-affair" is something that has bothered me, but it was such a secondary issue to the full affair, that I didn't think about it much. I have thought that this might happen, but haven't really wanted to admit that it actually would happen.

We're so far apart right now, it's like a stranger is living in my house. This can't be the woman I married. It just can't be.

What in the h*ll is going on?? Just last night she was crying about how awful affairs were, and that it's NOT worth it, and that she wanted everyone to know never to engage in one ...

I'm confused. Right now, I just want the pain to go away. I can't be around her, and she can tell, and I'm probably generating Love Busters by the truckload. MAKE IT STOP!!

Overall DAY 2 feels fruitless. I'm worried I'll act out over this weekend and cancel out all the forward progress I've made the last week. If she is pursuing another affair, days after the last, I think that all my hope of working this out will be shattered. This feels very bad.

There are two parts to this.

The emotional, and the logical.

When your W speaks of the destruction, she is in logical mode. When she made that call, I would guess she was in the emotional, seeking the excitement and the high one gets from attention "outside."

Those same two parts exist in you. You are attached to her - and you should be. BUT........ you know you can't make her do anything. You can't keep her against her will.

This is one of the reasons you need to think about this every few days, and why you need to run your plan no matter what.

I watched a basketball game once. The two teams (pro) were evenly matched. One team resorted to throwing elbows, and starting fights to try to get an advantage. I watched a point guard who never lost his cool. He played his game, the one he had played over and over again. He brought the ball down, he took shots when he could get them. The rest of his team struggled, he rallied them, he was a leader - he was the light house. They won - but only be a few points.

He knew emotion wouldn't win the game. It was a time for logic.

It is the same with you now. Make a plan, in writing. Determine how long you are going to try. Don't react to what she does from day to day. It's counterproductive.

You win from day to day if you run the plan as it is outlined. It doesn't matter what she is doing in the short term. Think on this - and why the advice is given. It's important that you get this part of it - we can't help you if you you let emotion rule your thoughts and actions.

We don't know what she will do - or if she will "get it" and come back and work on the marriage. We can't control that. We can influnce it, and that's what your plan is for.

if you commit Love busters, it means you are responding to the taunts of the other team. It means you are not playing like a pro. Your job is to bring the ball down, and make the shots when you can get them. You need to do it no matter how you feel, or what she is doing.

I can't help your W, except through prayer. I can help you. She might fail, but I don't want to see you fail.

If you run your plan for a month and it becomes clear she is running after the 2nd OM, you can make adjustments and you can D her. You have choices, and doing a plan doesn't take them away from you. It does give you the best chance to recover your marriage. You still have all the choices you have now, and you can exercise them whenever you wish. However, you want to use long term trends to make decisions, not daily mood swings based on what she does, or says TODAY.

I wish we could make the pain go away. When we tell you to run the plan, and be a pro - we don't mean to discount the pain. However, if you want to win, you have to rise above it, and be the lighthouse. Your family has no other chance. It's up to you to stand against this storm.

Thanks for TELLING us your feelings. It will help. Please don't think I am asking you to shut up about them. I am asking you to feel them, work through them, and be a light house in spite of them.

Consider calling the Harleys for counseling. It is good to have the best help possible.

Remember we care about you. You've got a friend -

SS

Hello,

It seems to me that there are no consequences to her actions. It is very disturbing that she now calls a former boyfriend (who she recently kissed) before her affair with the OM. After all of the pain you have gone through she now decides to this? I may be wrong but it seems she feels that you are willing to put up with an unlimited amount of disrespect and humiliation from her and still be accepting of her. If the roles were reversed, do you think she would be so accepting to you? I suggest you read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.

While doing Plan A, be sure to get your legal ducks in a row. See an attorney ASAP and found out your options should the worst come to past. Start documenting all your interactions with your child and where WW fails to do her duties as a mother. I am not saying that you will have to use this info against WW, but you never know if it will become handy.

As for OM2, call his OMW if contact continues. I also think you should confront WW with the info you have and ask her what she has in mind. What is clear is that your WW does not care about you or your feelings right now. Plan A is good but you should also protect yourself.

Still_Seeking:
Took your advice. No LBs this weekend at all, and it turned out well. WW just left town on business until Thurday, and that was my plan--to make it until she walked out the door without any LBs. So I win this round.

There were some nice moments this weekend, WW actually had real fun with our daughter for the first time in ... months? She even admitted that she just hasn't been capable of doing that for a long time. So it does seem as if she's getting ever so slightly better each day (we're still a LONG way off however.)

I reread SAA, and got a little more out of it. I'll probably read it yet again in the next few days. Sounds insane, but there is just so much information there, and it's motivating to imagine the success applied to our M. I'm talking to Steve Harley today, and I'm really looking forward to it.

As for OM2, he hasn't made any return contact at this point. He works in the building next to mine, so I might go over there and have a discussion with him. I promise it will be calm and cool. I know him and he knows me, so I don't think it will be any big deal, and I don't actually have any hard feelings toward him. I don't believe he knows the story, what WW has been going through since they last talked. I think if I let him know what's going on, how much pain that the A has caused everybody, that she's vulnerable and looking for someone to "rescue" her from the pain because she's afraid to face it, etc., and, most importantly, that if he does go down that road I can promise him it won't be a secret, I think he'll back off, or at least think about it carefully. After all, he has a family, too.

I haven't decided that I'll do this for sure, but I definitely might.

Thanks again for the advice. It's hard not to be emotional SOMETIMES. So far, at least for the last three weeks, I haven't had any emotional outbursts. The only really rough discussion was telling WW about the exposure, but it was mostly her outbursts. I kept my compusure even then. So far so good.

Bryanp:
I told her I thought we should start moving on the divorce at the same time I told her about the exposure of the A. She knows that I'm capable of making that decision if things get bad enough. She does know that I don't want that to happen of course, but she knows I'm capable and willing under the right circumstances. There is a limit to what I'll tolerate, and she knows that.

I think that there is a huge part of her that wants me to divorce her. I don't think she feels that way all the time, but she definitely can't see a clear path to marital reconciliation for us yet. I'm reading the books, I'm meeting with the marriage counselor, I have the insight into how to rebuild our marriage. Right now, all I can do is work Plan A until she decides for herself that she wants that insight too.

Every day is getting better, so that day may come soon. However, things could easily change for the worse, and that day may be yet far away, or perhaps it may never come. I'm only working on today though, and a little bit on tomorrow. Beyond that is too much to deal with as far as my Plan goes.

Thanks for the advice and the reminder that I'm not a doormat. I appreciate it.

UVA:
I have talked to a lawyer and gotten some good information on what my options are. I did that before I asked for the divorce a couple of weeks ago. (For those who don't know, I did this more as a tactic than anything else, but I could only do it if I was willing to follow through with it, which I was, and the tactic worked.)

As I mentioned above, I'm considering talking to OM2. I've been very observant since I found the call she made (which was less than a minute in length according to phone records) and no further contact has been made yet, including email accounts. It was the weekend though, he may have been out of town, with his family, who knows. I know the guy and actually like him, but I don't know his wife very well, so I think I'll just level with him and let him know that a) I know about him chasing my wife and kissing her several months ago, b) I want to fix my marriage, and c) if he pursues WW, I'll know, and I won't be keeping it a secret.

I'll report on progress later, if there is any to report.

Respect and admiration to all. Thanks so much for the support.

Still_Seeking:
Took your advice. No LBs this weekend at all, and it turned out well. WW just left town on business until Thurday, and that was my plan--to make it until she walked out the door without any LBs. So I win this round.

Good !
Keep in mind that plan A is not to be "nice" to her. It's to avoid LB's and attract her back to the marriage.

Bryan P brings up a good point. There are (and should be) consenquences to things that we do. Perhaps this link will help you wrap your mind around some of the concepts.

Mthrrhbard - natural consequences and plan A
Mthrrhbard on Plan A and natural consequences

There were some nice moments this weekend, WW actually had real fun with our daughter for the first time in ... months? She even admitted that she just hasn't been capable of doing that for a long time. So it does seem as if she's getting ever so slightly better each day (we're still a LONG way off however.)

It might help for you to think of this as an illness. If you had been to the hospital with your W and she was diagnosed with Cancer - you would go out of your way to help her.

You can have compassion for her during this time, or she can become your enemy. I feel sorry for WS's, because they are so lost. It's of their own making, but the destruction is real, no matter what the cause. Her life is being destroyed before her eyes, and she doesn't understand the cause, or the cure. This is part being a lighthouse - and a leader. You can come to understand, and you may be able to affect the cure. If a cancer patient dies, it is sad, but the survivors go on with life. You will go on, no matter what happens. It is best if you learn and grow from this, and treat her with compassion and respect no matter what she does. It will make all the difference in the world for your future - no matter what she does.

If she had cancer, you would probably end up doing everything. There would be no 50/50 split in the marriage, with each doing their share. It is probably that way now - you might resent her because as we discussed, this is of her own making. It might help to use the illness exapmle - and care for her until you know what will happen. Be sad for her, but not hate her. Have compassion, and help all you can, because unless she heals, she may die emotionally, and spiritually.

Remember, this is temporary. Set your time line, and work to that date, whatever it is. Having that date fixed out there in the future will help you make it through those bad days. By now, this should be making sense, I hope it does.

I reread SAA, and got a little more out of it. I'll probably read it yet again in the next few days. Sounds insane, but there is just so much information there, and it's motivating to imagine the success applied to our M. I'm talking to Steve Harley today, and I'm really looking forward to it.

Good on both counts. As events and situations change, you will pick up different things from your reading that you didn't get the first time around. It has to do with your frame of reference and experiance. The more you learn, the more you will get. Some things are subtle and not understood the first time through.

I think Steve will be a good guide for you. He can help with the plan, and also help keep you on track. He is good at seeing trends that you might not see - this is what he does, and he's good at it.


As for OM2, he hasn't made any return contact at this point. He works in the building next to mine, so I might go over there and have a discussion with him. I promise it will be calm and cool. I know him and he knows me, so I don't think it will be any big deal, and I don't actually have any hard feelings toward him. I don't believe he knows the story, what WW has been going through since they last talked. I think if I let him know what's going on, how much pain that the A has caused everybody, that she's vulnerable and looking for someone to "rescue" her from the pain because she's afraid to face it, etc., and, most importantly, that if he does go down that road I can promise him it won't be a secret, I think he'll back off, or at least think about it carefully. After all, he has a family, too.

Be careful what you tell him. Very careful. If he thinks WW is interrested in him, and if his own M is having problems, it may cause him to be more interrested, not less. Logic sometimes doesn't do much for people being guided by emotion. Your WW is a good example of this. Steve can help you craft your communications with him.


Thanks again for the advice. It's hard not to be emotional SOMETIMES.

It's OK to be emotional - feelings are an important part of us, and your WW needs to know you have feelings. I am sure she wouldn't want to be married to a stone. It's the OUTBURSTS that are a danger. You can tear up when you talk to her - and you can express your desire to have romance and the full range of marital feelings back, but close such converstions with the same disclaimer: "I look foreward to the time when we are close again - I wish for it, I pray for it, I dream about it - but I can't force it, or make it happen, that will have to come from both of us working together."

These are examples, you need to adapt, and use your own words, and style. You can also add in that you hope it works but are prepared for D if it doesn't. She is always free to choose what she will do, and so are you. This is a consenquence she should be aware of, but don't rub it in her face.

So far, at least for the last three weeks, I haven't had any emotional outbursts. The only really rough discussion was telling WW about the exposure, but it was mostly her outbursts. I kept my compusure even then. So far so good.

Again, this is good. You get extra points for being cool under fire.

I agree with Bryabn P, and with UVA. While you should always hope for the best, always prepare for the worst, and be ready.

I'll report on progress later, if there is any to report.

OK - and it's fine to only plan out a few days in advance. However, you should set a time line - meaning decide now how long you will stay in plan A. If you don't have a date you may:
1. Go too long - before moving to plan B.
2. Get upset and quit too soon.

It helps when BAD things happen to have that time line in your head. "Great, this is it...... except I promised to make it to November 1st, and I can go a few more months."

Communicate with her while she is gone. If she checks email daily, send information about your daughter. Or neutral news about mutual friends, or about relatives. You can also send more love neutral comments about her. "Was thinking about you today. I miss your smile - I'll be glad when that smile gets home on Friday."
Or whatever day it is - and again, these are suggestions and examples. You adapt and change to fit your style.

BTW, it might help if you can let us know what you think her top needs are, and what the order of importance might be. Perhaps we can help with ideas. If you already listed them, forgive me for not seeing it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

SS

The past few days have been so busy, I've barely had time to do anything other than take care of DD and the dog and the house and work, etc. With WW still out of town through tomorrow, it's one thing after another.

We've been communicating regularly by phone and email and some of our conversations have actually been fun. Go figure. So for the most part, I'm just working Plan A and avoiding LBs like the plague.

My session with Steve Harley was really good. He gave me some specific directions and some things to research, which will keep me focused and moving forward. He said I'm doing really, really well but not to marginalize what I'm going through--it can and will take me out if I'm not careful. The plan for the next few days is to start talking about how we come to a decision about what we're going to do about our marriage. We need to find out (1) what it will take to recover our marriage, then (2) decide if it's something we feel we can do. WW is skipping step 1, and trying to make the decision on whether she can make this work without knowing what it will take to make it work. I know what it will take, and I'm anxious to get started, but any of that information is going to be useless pouring out of this mouth, so I have to see if she's willing to do some research of her own, or with me if she wants.

That's the short term plan.

As to OM2, there has still been no further contact between them, so I'm not going to act on it right now. The call record shows a 1 min phone call to his cell, then a call to my cell the next minute. Suspicious, no doubt, but not enough to warrant talking to him yet. It might warrant talking to her about it, but not until she gets back in town. I was hoping to gather more ammo about it, but it appears that there's nothing to be gathered. At least not yet. This one I'm observing and playing by ear for now.

I'm going to respond to some of the great points others have mentioned and answer a few questions, but I'll do it in another email.

Thanks for listening.

I'm glad you talked to Steve. It helps your mindset as well as giving you a good plan.

Reading right along......... lets see how it goes when she gets back.

SS

Thanks for hanging in there with me...

A few things before the update:

In my Plan A, I've been trying very hard not to confuse it with just being nice. Being nice to her isn't the priority. no LBs is. I've even stepped back a ways from trying to meet her ENs, because after several days of consideration and talking to Steve, I'm not as sure as I thought I was about what they are. So instead of trying to meet needs that may not be getting me anywhere, I'm reducing my priorities (for now) to the following:

1. No angry outbursts
2. No disrespectful judgements
3. No selfish demands

Those should look familiar. It's enough for me to focus on those. I've been pretty good about it so far, but getting back to being nice, there is an important adjective that qualifies each of those behaviors. No selfish demands isn't the same as no demands. And nowhere does it say "be nice."

Of course, there are times when I am nice, but it's not part of my Plan. It just happens because I feel like being nice, or a situation evolves where being nice is appropriate (like she made me a cup of coffee or sends me a sweet email.)

Compassion has been something I've had to deal with quite a bit. She is my wife, and I do have feelings for her, and when she hurts, I can't help but to feel bad for her. However, I'm not kidding myself that the pain she's feeling isn't part of the consequences of some phenomenonally poor decision making. So, having compassion is part of it, but doing nothing to alleviate that pain is another important part of it I think. Sometimes it's more confusing than I've just stated it. This is one aspect that is going to take time to resolve. I'm not rushing it, because it's more than my heart and brain can handle right now.

As for my time line, I have a date in mind that Plan B will begin. I set it before I could really calculate what I would be capable of, but I think it's still where it needs to be and I haven't changed it. I plan on sticking to it. If things change drastically then there might be a need to extend or shorten it. Hopefully, it won't even be necessary. If it is, however, I'm preparing for it.

As I said before, her Most Important Emotional Needs are a little fuzzy for me right now. I can tell you what I thought they were:

1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Recreational Companionship
4. Domestic Support
5. Sexual Fulfillment

But I no longer believe those to be accurate, and are more a reflection of how I perceived her affair to have been. I honestly can't figure it out right now. I could make a case for all of them and none of them. I am pretty confident that Domestic Support IS one of her ENs. And I guess I am trying to fill that need. It feels like I'm doing it because it's necessary, not because I'm filling her needs. I'm the only one who does anything around the house right now. I suppose if I stopped doing it, it would definitely have an impact, so it's probably good that I'm doing it.

I just talked myself into another priority. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Her other ENs are a confusing mess to me though.

So to give an update on progress, WW came home yesterday from her business trip. She had warned me that she was extremely tired (crossed some time zones) and just wanted to unwind. We hung out with DD and watched TV, ate a little food, shared a beer, and showed a little affection to each other, leaning on each other on the couch and getting our legs entwined ever so slightly. It was neat. It was comfortable even. I went to put DD down for the night and WW apologized for being so tired and asked me to come say goodnight to her afterward. Unfortunately, DD picked last night to absolutely REFUSE to go to sleep without mommy AND daddy in her room. Having just gotten back from a long business trip, WW was inclined to indulge her. It was pretty late when we finally got her down, and at this point WW was both tired and cranky. So she went to bed, and I stayed up doing some things around the house before going to bed myself.

This morning, things were mildly pleasant, but I think there was some worry (on both our parts) about WW going to work and seeing OM again for the first time in a week. Once at work, her emails became short and terse. And I just found out a few moments ago, that she is now at home, working from there. That's becoming pretty much the norm for days like this. Having so much travel the last few weeks has been the only thing making it possible for her to get anything done at all. Otherwise, she just can't be at the office. I didn't get any explanation about today's events, but it's pretty clear she's not able to function well there.

She needs to quit. We'll see. I've told her it's okay with me, but she suspects my "understanding" is all based on getting her away from OM and nothing else. That's certainly part of it, but I also think it's the best thing for our marriage, and it's the only way she'll start to get over him. Isn't the last week proof of that?

So that's where we are now. I'm at work, and I'll have to wait until I see her to gauge how many steps back she has taken. Hopefully not too many.

Thanks again for listening and sharing. I'll just keep posting as things happen or as I have something to say. I started a blog to keep my thoughts straight and to document events for posterity. (Also to post pictures of DD and to give me something to play with). So I'll be writing in two places.

Best to all.

I have seen very few women that didn't have affection, and conversation in the top five.

Affection means a lot more to a women than a man. Or it is often very different that we as men see it. Read up on those two in HNHN.

I think you did good, considering.

This will take time. I suspect it will not be easy, and natrual for a while.

If you read the recovery stories, you know it is worth the effort.

SS

Good idea! I'm going to lurk in some other forums more. Hearing about some happy endings would be great right about now.

WW did send me an email telling me that seeing OM definitely set her back several days. That a week with NC was working well, much better than she realized herself, and that she may have been a little overconfident coming back from her trip about what she was capable of handling. She said:

[color:"blue"]Sorry babe – I really wanted to feel better for you. I’m trying…[/color]

Which is sweet, and I appreciate but wasn't quite sure how to respond to (other than I appreciated it).

I hope Affection is one of her ENs. I look forward to filling that one, I love Affection. The trouble is that we may want the need filled in different ways, or as you said, see it differently. (SF is also one of my ENs, and I see blurry borders between the two at times.)

I need to spend more time in the EN forum too.

So I have my Plan for the weekend. No LBs.

Affection and SF are hand in hand for me too. HOWEVER, they are not for my W. If you give affection, you are in the mood for SF. It does that for you.

If she GETS affection, it DOES NOT mean she is in the mood. Oh, sometimes it does, but not always. You will never know which is which............ unless she tells you, or clues you in on it.

Learn to give affection with out SF. Tell her right up front you want to give her a back rub, or a foot rub, or whatever she likes, but that it is just a foot rub (or whatever) and there are no strings attached.

If you tell her you need to feel closer, and that's why you want to do it, you will get exra points. Don't expect anything. If you can't do it with out expectation, don't do it.

If you love her, learning how to meet her needs can be joy for you. Think about that.

SS

Gotta make this quick:

WW asked to talk to me today and said she would like to start wearing her wedding ring again and start figuring out how to work on our marriage, if that was okay with me. Of course it was.

So as I was planning on bringing the subject up myself, but she beat me to it.

Neither of us is making any promises right now, just a pledge to figure out what to do next.

I'm not getting my hopes up or anything, nor am I pushing them down. It's just another step in the right direction.

I'll try to post more details soon, and I have some questions about what in the world do I do now? I thought I would be ready for this part, but I guess it's just more real now, and my brain starts to get overwhelmed.

Mostly I'm just telling myself not to rush anything, and stick to the plan. At least until I can figure out what to do next.

But I will say YAY!

I'll take this as good news too. I hope she has turned the corner.

Use the advice Steve gave you to talk further.

The steps are:
1. End the affair
2. Recover - involves recovery rules.
Rules for successful recovery
3. Live the 4 rules for a successful marriage.
Rules for successful marriage

Note that the rules are the same, or similar, but the context is different as he tells about them.

Many say that recovery is more difficult than ending the affair. I don't mean to discourage you, but to help you prepare. Don't relax yet. (grin)

I'll shut up and wait for more details.

SS

The weekend was a good one overall. It started with WW's therapy session on Friday. We met at the restaurant we frequent (it's sort of "our place") with DD and as soon as I saw her, I knew it had been a rough one. She had been crying a lot and just seemed very sad. I feared the worst, but just kept with the Plan, trying to make our dinner as enjoyable as possible for the three of us. The evening never presented an opportunity to talk, so we put DD down for bed, watched a bit of TV and went to sleep.

Honestly, I was starting to feel some depression myself. I had a tough time getting to sleep, and my mind was working on what was going on, what had happened at therapy, is this really a bad time to have the conversation about what we're going to do, etc. I ended up taking some medicine to help my sleep. I've had meltdowns from not getting enough sleep, and I can testify that Plan A on no sleep is nigh impossible! Don't even try it.

I did manage to get sleep that night, but the pills made me extremely unfocused the next morning. I just felt out of sorts. Not in a bad mood, but physically shaky, even dizzy sometimes. WW was concerned and told me to get some more rest, so I followed her instructions and tried to do that. It was worrisome though. This may be a result of too much activity on too little food. I've been pushing through not having any appetite as best I can. I eat as much as I can, but it's not always possible. And I've been trying to be more active than I usually am, because ... well, it helps me stay sane. So this may be a problem. I'm not sure what I weigh right now, but the last time I checked a few weeks ago, I had lost 19 pounds. In a month! I've been focusing harder on eating since then, and feel I've put some of it back on, but not enough. From 150 (which I've been steady at for 8 years) to 131 is pretty dramatic. WW calls it The Break Up Diet, and insists that we'd be millionaires if we wrote a book about it.

I'm digressing.

That afternoon, WW invited me to go to the book store with her and DD, so we spent time hanging out, mostly reading children's books to DD. I got a couple of cook books, which would pay big dividends later...

Once we got back to the house, we managed to get DD down for her nap, and WW asked to talk to me. She had been in an okay mood, nothing spectacular, but tolerating life. It took me a little off guard, so I stalled briefly, then sat down to listen.

First, she said that she had been thinking a lot and, if it was alright with me, she wanted to start wearing her wedding ring again. A couple of weeks after D-Day, after an especially disastrous morning of trying to talk on no sleep by me (see above), we both independently decided we weren't going to wear our rings any longer. For me, it was anger motivating it. For her, she told me weeks later, it was because she didn't feel like she deserved to wear it. She told me that after she noticed I was wearing mine again. I put it back on because I was still married, still committed to my marriage, and wasn't going to give that up so easily.

Her asking me if it was alright showed me that she was really concerned that I might object to her being worthy of wearing it. Which of course is ridiculous. I was thrilled!

She then said that she wanted to work on our marriage, that she couldn't promise me anything, but that she had to know that we tried to do it before giving up on us. That we also owed it to DD to at least try. And would I agree to seek counseling and see what we can do.

This was what I was hoping for! I got REAL nervous all of a sudden. I managed to say "that sounds good" or something completely unequal to what I was feeling. After a few awkward moments, I regained my composure enough to talk a little bit about what that meant, to work on our marriage. I told her a little bit about what Steve had said, about finding out how to make it work before deciding it's impossible. I must have said a few other things. I can't remember what. I was nervous.

She did talk about her therapy the previous day. Her therapist basically reminded her that OM chose to be with his wife, and that even though she says she respects that decision, her actions don't reflect that. It was time for her to let go of him, in the best interest of everyone. That was a big blow for her. She knew it already, but was managing to hide the explicit truth from herself to carry on the fantasy that maybe ... one day.

After that discussion, I went into a minor panic and wrote my post above, before just resolving to carry out my Plan. That's when things got good. (Enough foreshadowing already).

I took the cookbooks I bought, and planned out the most complex and spectacular meal I could find. I actually planned out two meals this way. It took some time, and an hour and a half at the supermarket, but eventually I was ready. Getting DD down for bed that night turned into more of a chore than usual. (Actually it's starting to become the norm.) I fired up the grill and made the most fabulous, amazing dinner I've ever made in my life!

Due to some poor time management on my part, we didn't actually eat until 11pm, but it was worth it! Everything, everything, was delicious! I was very proud of myself, practically dancing (alright actually dancing) aroung the kitchen with giddyness. WW was floored, too. Suitably impressed. We had a wonderful time hanging out together and it was really quite a night.

Not much affection or intimacy, but I never pushed it at all. It was all just about being together and doing something new. It was great!

Sunday was up and down. WW ended up leaving the house to work at a coffee shop, and that put me in a bad mood for awhile (that, and DD was not being very Darling at all). Normally this wouldn't have been a big deal, but "going to work at a coffee shop" was code for "I'm going to do soemthing I don't want you to know about" in the past, so it set me off. If positive that wasn't the case this time (I checked it out), but it still reminded me of all those times that she lied about it.

When she got back she could tell I was in a bad mood and asked what was wrong, but since she hadn't done anything wrong, I didn't tell her why. I should have, but instead I used DD as the reason. This was really lousy of me, and I could give all sorts of excuses for why I did it, but ultimately I should have been honest with her. That's the kind of behavior that contributed to us being where we are in the first place.

Later that evening we met some friends for dinner at super kid-friendly retaurant. It was nice to be out of the house, and we were sort of forced to play normal, since these friends aren't fully aware of our problems (we like them, but don't know them real well yet.) It was actually very beneficial to play the role though. It was nice. I know it reminded me of what it was like when things were good between us. Maybe it reminded WW, too. She definitely seemed to have a good time.

So that brings us to today. WW is wearing her ring at work. That should raise some eyebrows. I'll have to ask. Other than that, we've had some email discussion about MC, and who and when and why and such. She's terrified. She panics and thinks "why did I say I'd try? What if it doesn't work? How can it possibly work?" But she said the main thing is that she told me that she's willing to try. She doesn't want to be miserable any longer, and there is a lot of time and experience and love between us and we should see what we can do with that.

For me, I'm nervous as he**. I know this is going to be hard. I know what my head is like in those times when all I can think about is the two of them together, and at those times it does seem impossile. WW has some issues to deal with, and I do too, as individuals. So far, coping with those individual issues has lead us to want to work on our issues as a couple. I want that to continue.

I'm anxious to get started, but I have to be still and remind myself that she's in withdrawal. There isn't a lot that I can do other than be patient. And be thankful, because this could be so much worse. Couldn't it?

Yes. It could.

I want you to remember one thing - keep it in your mind, and never, never, never forget it no matter how conversations go.

This is your choice.
Once you choose to try - you need to take it to the conclusion.

You have the option to quit now. You don't have to try. No one will make you stay, no one will force your decision.

If you really do choose to try, you get to be a light house.
It won't work any other way. Someone has to do it.

So - keep it in mind. Remember who made the decision. If you have to bite your tongue sometimes and make it bleed to keep being the light house - bite it.

It often takes 2 years to go from where you are to a place you would call wonderful. Another two after that, you won't believe it could ever be that good, even in your dreams.

Come as long as you need to. When it's time to leave, you'll know.

Thanks for the update - I'll keep praying for you.

SS

Do you have a good understanding of how to act, and what to say these next few weeks?

Thanks for the reality check and encouraging words. You're right. If I start this path, I have to stick with it.

I need to think about that a lot. Today there has already been a mis-step on my part, and I was contemplating whether recovery is possible or not.

OM2 finally showed up. He sent a text message to WWs phone last night while we were eating another of my soon to be famous gourmet meals. She checked it and I asked who it was. She told me it was OM2, and that she hadn't talked to him in months. I asked if she was going to talk to him. She said "I assume that would make you uncomfortable." I told her it would, and that I thought it was a bad idea regardless under the circumstances. The rest of the night I was anxious and moody. We talked about it a little bit more, about how this "new" development really scares me, and that the timing couldn't be worse. She just kept reassuring me this was no big deal, that she is through with homewrecking.

I said that her issues are different than my issues, and that something that isn't a big deal to her is a very big deal to me. That we both have a lot of pain right now, but the source and reasons for that pain are different. She admitted that she gets caught up in her own selfish issues and forgets that I'm suffering, that I'm hurt, too.

This morning, WW woke up early to go running, so I checked the TM on her phone. There were several back and forth last night, mostly i miss yous and one I'll call you from WW. I got really upset, and hurriedly got myself and DD ready to go and out the door before she got back from running.

I was trying to figure out what to say. Should I confront her? Should I just tell her my feelings? She called me a couple of times on my cell, but I wasn't ready to talk, so I ignored them.

I really started questioning whether I can do this or not. I don't know if I can handle ANOTHER affair. OM1 is going to be out of town for about two weeks--perfect time for WW to get through withdrawal. But with OM2 around ...

Once I got to the office, I talked to WW. She could tell something was bothering me, and I got the "oh for crying out loud, what's bothering you now?" treatment. I calmly told her that if she was really concerned and wanted to know that her attitude wasn't actually inviting me to talk about it. She apologized, and I told her that in the first couple of months of her affair with OM1, I was suspicious about her behavior and actions, but that between her reassurances and my own refusal to believe, I just thought I was crazy. Over and over again, the signs kept popping up, and I'd keep telling myself I was crazy. Over two months, I really started to think I might be certifiably losing my mind. I was paranoid, there was something wrong with me. Why can't I trust my wife for God's sake? Until D-Day. If WW hadn't admitted to it, I think I would have checked myself into an asylum. Seriously.

I explained this on the phone to WW, and told her that now I'm starting to have those feelings again. That the first time I wasn't crazy, I was right! And now I'm feeling that suspicion again, and I'm inclined to believe myself this time. I also told her it makes it hard for me to commit to working on our marriage with this hanging out there.

There wasn't much she could say except that despite what I'm feeling, she has no intention of starting up her friendship with this guy again. That it's not even an issue for her. She's been down this road with him already even before we met, and that she came to terms with the fact that they weren't going to be together long ago. She said she thinks it would be a horrible idea to be around him right now, and that she would only send him an email and that's it.

The sad thing is I don't believe her. And even sadder is, she's already telling lies. Small ones to her, I'm sure. But to me they are magnified.

I told her I was glad we talked, and that I was sorry I rushed out of the house before she got back. She said we need to talk about these things, and that she wishes I would just ask instead of running away.

This is really messing with my head. I can't think straight right now. I no longer know what I'm doing, I have no Plan. I don't even know what I want to do, so making a plan is sort of inconceivable to me right now.

I called and set up another appointment with Dr. Harley. I hope I can make it until then. I think the solution is to get back on Plan A right away. But I don't know if I can. Actually, I can. I don't know if I want to. I'm more inclined to kick her out of the house right now.

She has been much nicer to me recently, and I started to meet her halfway with that. Even started feeling love between us again. Is this a charade? Is she being nice to throw me off the scent? Is this reassurance just an encore of the first act??

I can't trust her! What do I do with that? How do you communicate with someone when you question every word that comes out of their mouth?

I swear I feel like I'm going crazy again.

You are hanging in there alot tougher than I did. It didnt take me long to throw in the towel. I couldnt deal with not being able to trust my EX anymore. She was deceiving and a liar and I just totally didnt trust her anymore.

Once TRUST is broken in a marriage, I fully believe its over. There are those that will argue that you can regain trust back.....and you can. But, one new lie from the wayward, and you are back to square one.

IMHO.