I also posted this in the "Just found out" section, but it was suggested I put it here for more resonse.

My wife started working at the same company as me about 6 months ago, same location but differant shift/building we don't work with any of the same people. She works first shift, I work 2nd so we don't need much baby sitting. Anyway, She met and became friends with one of the supervisors in her department (no direct report or anything) They took their lunch together/breaks that type of thing. She would give him a ride home occasionally, but she was always upfront about it. I even took him home once, so everything seemed like it was just a friendship, and my wife has always had more guy friends than girl friends, so nothing odd here.

There were rumors in her department that they were sleeping together, but I never (still don't) supected they were. Anyway, this guy got fired about a month ago and they talked on the phone occasionally and emailed eachother. His GF got jelous and upset accusing them of having an affair. My wife talked to me about their friendship from time to time, so I still did not worry about it.

About at week ago I logged into the computer and found her email up with several emails from him, and some from his girlfriend. I felt bad, but I read them. The emails to him seemed innocent, talking about problems this guy and his girlfriend were having, and how she thought he and my wife were sleeping together. Then I read the email from his girlfriend to my wife and they said that my wife sent inapproporate emails to this guy. My wife responded saying they were joke's and she was overreacting. She said that I was arround when she wrote them to him...I was not.

I don't really know what to do. I talked to my wife about what she and these people email about and she was vague about it all, but no lies that I can find.
After talking to her, my wife was unusually nice to me...Iniateing sex twice that day, offering back rubs, that type of thing. ***This is VERY rare, but not the first time*

Anyway, I would appreciate any advice. I have a 15 day free trial for one of those spy software things, but I feel VERY bad about using it. I really don't think they are having a PA, but think it may be an EA. Any comments would be great.

Oh, also my wife has always said I could read her email anytime, but when I asked about it she never suggested I read them (which is what I expected).

Sorry it was so long, and sorry I don't know all the abbrivations yet.

Hi plmkoijhu,

I guess I don't have to tell you this but you have a problem on your hands. If you haven't read Dr. Harley's books HN/HN and Surviving and Affair I would suggest you do so. Your wife has been speaking with another man regarding his relationship with his girlfriend. I'm going to go as far as to say that she has probably talked about you and your wifes relationship too. Just a guess, but I bet I'm right. This is a huge no-no! Each person begins to meet one or more of the others most important emotional needs. Once that happens an affair, either physical or emotional, can/will happen.

You need to do a couple things ASAP.

#1 - You must insist that there be no more contact between your wife and OM. Zero, zippo, none. She should put it in writing to you.

#2 - You must start to understand what your wifes most important emotional needs are and then start to meet those needs. If you don't know what I'm talking about get the books ASAP!

Getting the spy softare is a good idea. She should also be willing to disclose anything that you would like to know. i.e. e-mail passwords, cell phone bills, ect. She should be 100% transparent.

There are a lot of people on this forum that can give you more detailed information but this is a start. Don't down play anything that is happening. The relationship your wife is having with this other man is not appropriate and is a huge threat to the health of your marriage.

Just a heads up. She will probably react like most wayward spouses react. There are many threads on this forum that talk about fog thinking. Read up and prepare for what is coming next.

Headsouth

Snoop the truth. It's easier and more accurate than trying to rely on her to give it to you. If she's cheating...she won't likely EVER give you the truth.

The sex is likely a manipulation gambit. To keep you hooked and believing the lies while she cake-eats with OM. I have been there. As long as she appears fully committed and satisies you she believes you will stop asking questions and interfere with the source of her addiction.

If your going to snoop you might as well go all out. Do the keylogger AND get the voice activated digital tape recorder and hide it in her car or the house (or one in each location). Read the Spying 101 thread for further snooping advice and cautions (a link to it is in Longhorns signature line...find Longhorns thread "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" pinned to the top of the Just Found Out infidelity board herein...read the thread completely while your there too)

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Email the OMW and get copies of the inappropriate emails. There you will find your answer.

Don't feel bad about snooping. You have to get your hands a little dirty in order to find out the truth and protect your family. A person in an addiction (affair) is not going to care for your family, so you have to take this type of measure.

I'd contact the other man's wife and ask what she saw, plain and simple. She has no reason to lie to you about it. Ask her what your wife's emails said and you can decide for yourself if it was inappropriate.

If she now knows that your are reading her emails, she'll likely start hiding her behaviour more. The sex thing is a problem. My wife did the same thing when I discovered some problems before I knew of the affiar.

I think you should put the spyware on and do a little checking. Saying they were joking is common for wayward spouses. If you find nothing, then you can be at ease.

Why did the other man get fired? I would find out.

Thank You all for your advice. So far I have not found much more out. I found that she changed her password on her email, but of course with the keylogger I have it again. no new email's from OM, which she did say she stopped talking to him...Saying it was too much drama, not because it was inapproporate.

I am starting "Plan A" figureing even if I am way off, and she is not doing anything wrong it is still a good way to treat your wife, right?
My question is I am trying to treat her right, but once in a while I get upset about this whole thing and it is REALLY hard to be so nice to her. How do you get past this and treat her the way you should?

Thanks for any help!

Why change the password? She has something to hide
Why stop communication? They were caught
Why the additional SF, and attention? To put you at ease
Should you be concerned? YES...VERY
You know she is lying, you suspect why she is lying. Definately an EA, mostlikely a PA.

SPYING 101

Plm,

Snoop, snoop and then do some more snooping.

Headsouth said "#1 - You must insist that there be no more contact between your wife and OM. Zero, zippo, none. She should put it in writing to you."" (and actually this is a no contact letter and should be sent to the OM when and if the A is discovered. Approved by you.)

My only thought is if you confront her with only what you have now, she will just go deeper into covert operations, which it sounds like she may be doing now.

How about the cell phone bills? Any hint of overly called #'s you don't recognize?

A voice activated recorder hidden in her car or by her phone is handy. OR in her desk at work?

And yes, don't feel guilty snooping. If you thought she was addicted to crack, wouldn't you look for the crack pipe?

Continue plan A big time. Sure couldn't hurt the relationship. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

kirk

We don't have cell phones right now, so that is not really an option. We have Vonage so I can look up all calls from home anytime I want. There are some numbers I don't recognize, but nothing excessive.

She has access to a free public phone at work. There is no way I can get those numbers.

My concern with telling her No Contact with OM, or even contacting the OM's girlfriend about this is, like you mentioned, she can still deny (as I only suspect right now) and then hide it much better in the future.

I am thinking about asking my wife for the OM girlfriend's email so I can ask for the email's she has. I figure if my wife says yes, then I get the letters and can go from there. if She says no then she will have to defend the fact that she is keeping secrets from me, and of course there is no defense for that in a marriage.

What do you think?

Plm,

""About at week ago I logged into the computer and found her email up with several emails from him, and some from his girlfriend.""

So you have the GF's email already and just want to see if your W will give them to you?

Go for it.

"" I figure if my wife says yes, then I get the letters and can go from there.""

I think I am confused, but am confused as to if I really am or not....ya know?

Sorry it is not clear.

Yes, I have all the email addresses involved.

I want to ask my wife because to see if she will give them to me. If she is honest and has nothing to hide then she will have no reason not to.
If she says she does not want to she will have to justify her actions, which I don't think she can. Also she could lie and say she no longer has it...Either way I would be 100% sure of at least an EA, right... From some of the things I have read an EM can be defined as basically anything that she needs to lie/hide from me.

UPDATE:
She was home alone all evening ( I work 2nd shift) tonight. I'll be checking the keylogger tomorrow morning to see what I find. I'm still hoping it is all a big misunderstanding *PRAY PRAY*

I'll keep this updated.

Thanks for everyone's advice on here!

I hope that it is a misunderstanding..

Just a thought, from my previous situation, I was doing the snoop thing because my ex had "nothing to hide" he didn't hide what he was doing - just denied it and said "I don't know" like a child. (for example, how did messenger get on our computer, what was this money taken out for, etc. etc. you get the idea).

If this is a misunderstanding, hopefully you will be able to sit down and discuss with her re: your needs, and her speaking to this guy is not okay with you. For if she isn't up to something, its obvious it upsets you, and that isn't good for your relationship.

The almost funny part of this whole thing is that it is not that she is (or was) friends with this guy. It's only that she seems to be hiding what she is doing, and a few of the things I read in her email. The things in the email seem more odd then inapproporate, and can most likely be explained.
Plus she is acting funny about the whole thing. But that could be in my head.

Anyway, I would rather know either way. If there is an EA or even a PA then I want to know so we can work through it. If I am way off, then I want to know that too so I can go back to trusting her.

At this point, however, regardless of how it turns out I don't think I want her to have contact with the other guy anymore...She claimed to stop talking to him anyway, before I even started wondering about it...I'll continue to pray that is true. I should find out tomorrow...Wish me luck.

Praying that it is nothing, and you will be relieved of your worry.

Well, so far so good.

I checked the keylogger/other spy software stuff and there is nothing to/from this guy.

I will of course keep monitoring, at least for the rest of my 15 day free trial of this software. After that I'll have to see what I should do then.

Thanks for all of your comments/prayers. Hopefully I won't have to comment (in this fourm) anymore. We'll see

Keep in mind that it is easy to deny and cut off contact temporarily until the heat dies down. Happened with my H. Sent OW a text saying something to effect "don't contact anymore, wife is jealous" and found a way to keep it secret for a while. Got me off the trail for a bit as he professed his love to me and continued with his denials.

Don't believe everything that your wife tells you and don't think that you don't have to snoop after your trial period with this software is over. Always keep your eyes open.

Good luck.

SS