Hi all Happy 4th.....

I have been doing alot of thinking about my previous thread. I have had no respect for my wifes feelings over the past few years. But since jan 06, I have had a ton. She is definetly the one woman i want to be with.

I can and have admit my wrong doings. My relationship with my SIL, why not phyisical was someone I could lean on when things were not great or good in my marriage. That was and is wrong. She is not my wife and could never be her.

While for may years i felt and witnessed such disrespect towards me, from her and her family. I was guilty of the same thing to her and two wrong will never make a right. When i lost my job in nov 03, she picked up the family by going out to work. She has been the rock and i blasted it during our bad times. I just do not know what to do....

ok wife is having a hard time with her decision to leave. She is staying at her mother's My children, well the girls, have not wanted to stay at with her there. My son goes but wants to come back. I understand it is not fun down there. It is not their home. She wants me to let her come here and be with them for a few hours. At the house.

I immediately got an attitude with her. Because I could believe what she was asking. But i calmed down and started to talk to her but she had an attitude then with me. She made this decision and I did tell her i would do anything for her.

Why cant she do anything for me?

Sorry you find yourself here! I think she's probably too hurt right now, too angry, to see any side but her own. Try to make allowances for this, her Lovebank is really low. Are you Plan Aing? Making the home a place she wants to be? Are you working on yourself? Do you think that you are expecting too much from her at this point?

Just the fact that she wants to come to the house for a few hours might be saying a lot. I know that one of the things that has worked for me is when I felt like taking a step backward is when I really needed to take a step forward. Create a loving environment! Try to stay focused, I know how difficult that is but you can do it!

Have you read SAA and HNHN? All the articles here? I'm sorry I don't know your story.

Keep your head up!

Thanks for posting again, NE...I believe in you.

Have you considered that your own expectations are causing a lot of grief inside you and in your life?

You believe in being treated the way you are treating others...if you are calm and respectful, you want her to be calm and respectful...

Humans aren't. We react to present situations with a lot of past emotions...our brains hand us attitude from emotions which fit what we felt before...even before our partners were in our lives...and they hand us these in cumulative quantities, all at once...we're complicated. Becoming aware is the first step...you have this, also...

Brains don't know time...all is present...now...

We can know this isn't us at 14 and feel like it anyway. We go to our youngest selves when we feel pain...when we first felt pain...and as adults, this can be confusing.

Respect is about knowing each of you are separate and equal, NE...how she acts, what she believes, thinks and feels are hers alone...they are not a reflection of you. You, as a human being, have limits...you cannot be the cause, control or cure of her...nor can others be that for you.

That's why treating and expecting to be treated the same doesn't work. Not now. First, you unravel the enmeshment...believing you should be treated now for the way you are reacting to her, instead of her treating you back from the way she was treated before...

Eventually, as you become a marriage of equals, separate and whole, complete unto yourselves, in a complementary union, then you will experience life very differently, following the rules of protection, time, radical honesty...

For now, focus on you. And your children. What is best is both parents; what you can do now, to show your changes, listen and repeat, respect and abide from your choice to love...then do them. Make those choices.

Choosing based from emotions or justice, after too many emotions and injustices, wouldn't be fair in itself, would it?

Know your limits...and you will come to know your power. You choose every action, thought, belief and perspective you have. All yours. Know this power and undo what you've been taught...learn a new way and your life will be new.

LA

Maybe I am old fashioned (34 yrs old) I just want to have respesct. I feel that I wasn't respect for a long time and i did the same not its back to her disrespecting me. She is cold, rude, wants nothing to do with me.....

She is mad and tells me that I wanted this, yeah about a year and half ago i had lost feelings, burried by hurt. I fought and dug them out. I can not hide them and she wants me to. She doesn't hide hers. We all have the right to feel and express, isn't that why we live in america....

What are i supposed to do?

She tells me last night when she had to pick up my son who fell asleep. She need me out of her personal life, I wanted this, she will never let herself ever forgive or forget the hurt she felt. She had tried it and quit. Everyday I am feeling her pain and the choices she is makeing. It is almost like she regrets leaving or blames me for not leaveing. I never wanted to leave.

My children are hurting but I feel that the only way she can come back in that house is if we work at us and the family as a unit.

I dunno what to do, my mind is everywhere and I need desperate help and guidance, anyone wanna help and guide me.

Do you want your resentment or your marriage?

Sometimes, you can break it down to just that choice...

Your children are hurting...they are fearful and confused...you are reacting to your wife, not choosing your actions...

Get solid on what you want...like Harley said...to be right or married...resentment or love...reactive or active...

Do you want to build your own self-respect or use your resources to get from someone else?

You cannot control someone else...if they are cold, rude, vengeful, angry...you can control how you perceive and how you feel when they are that way...

I don't see you taking all this advice...you don't answer questions...are you in Plan A? Do you see her responding to you from pain...do you think you're expecting too much from her at this point...?

You said previously you lost your feelings...buried by hurt...now hers are...since you've been in her shoes, why are you angry with her? You've literally traded places...how much of your frustration, anger, fear is coming from switching roles?

You don't mention if you've decided to listen and repeat...allow her limited time at the home with the kids, with you there...please let us in on your decisions...what, exactly, are you wanting in exchange for seeing the girls at your home?

LA

Thanks for the response LA,

I am ready to answer any and all questions.

I want my marriage.

When you say I am not choosing my actions, what do you mean exactly?

I want to be married, love and proactive. Have my own self-respect.

I need to read about plan a and start doing that.

I know that i can not control or want to control someone that is not my or my personality. I like to be in control with goes on in my life and my actions.

I do see her responding to me from pain and hurt, but she says this is her now. I may be expecting way too much.

You are right I am angy with her because we have switched places. I know what she is going thru and fought it out within my self but hurt her so i guess many of these feelings are coming from switching. But I am in a better place about my unconditional love for her and the family.

What is listen and repeat? She will not be at the house with me there. Yesterday she asked me to leave for a while and i got my "hair up" when she asked me.

all i want is a chance that we are both trying at the same time, with the same goal......

NE

We are legally separated since june 06 and she has stated it is like being divorced.

Can I still plan A?

To me the legal separation is a joke.....

I am married and will follow my vows until divorced. By her choice......

I am suspectng that my in-laws are adding fuel to the fire.

My parents are on the hands off approach and we need to work it out as a couple. They will support us, not me only.

last week my FIL came to my house and told me that I have destroyed his family and not my wife. I told him I have blame and take responsibility for what I have done. My wife should take her blame and responsibility. It take two to build a marriage and two to break a marriage. And only the two of us can rebuild it.

He said well then Good luck and left......

I have had the utmost respect for him and the family but my marrital issues are not his or theirs (in laws). They are ours.....

How can she(wife) break away to work with me? I guess its only up to her.....

Can anyone respond please?

I don't really have the answers that you are looking for but I can tell you what listen and repeat is.

When your wife speaks you listen to what she is saying, don't interrupt, just listen, then, when she is finished you repeat exactly what she said. Something like if I understand you right, you said...

This way there's no miscommunication or misunderstanding.

Oh, and yes, Plan A your butt off! When you want to take a step back, take a step forward. let her know that you want the M to work, and you're willing to do whatever it takes but me certain that you follow through. Actions speak louder than words!

Thank you for responding,

Here is the problem, she doen't want it now, but I do and I am committed to doing whatever it takes...

Going back a few posts...

"all i want is a chance that we are both trying at the same time, with the same goal......"

This is where you're tripping yourself...you stated what you knew and desired, clearly...you know the limit of your control...and then you say this...

Which isn't in your control. You have the opportunity to work on yourself, your marriage and your life...your goal...you cannot make her have the same goal...you've chosen yours...to save your marriage.

I'm not picking at you...we have these mess of beliefs in us...and breaking through, detangling and replacing the old ones is really difficult...

You ran into this here with your FIL...

"last week my FIL came to my house and told me that I have destroyed his family and not my wife." This is where you respectfully listen and repeat...acknowledge what he says.

"I told him I have blame and take responsibility for what I have done." End your statements here. Why? Because anytime you have a should or a have-to on your tongue, swallow it. It's a disguised DJ...saying what someone else should or shouldn't do is not in your control..."My wife should take her blame and responsibility. It take two to build a marriage and two to break a marriage." Only takes one to break it with infidelity...and two to choose to recover. You have personal recovery and marital recovery...so does your wife..."And only the two of us can rebuild it."

I am not bashing you--pointing out conflicting beliefs which are sounding, and are, DJs to others...ownership isn't blame...ownership is knowing your part, your actions...your control...taking responsibility. Blaming yourself means you'll blame others...like you did your wife in your next sentence...sneaky belief...believing in blame. Would you consider believing in ownership, instead?

Two different things.

Doing whatever it takes...doing whatever you can...getting calm, respectful, open...she can visit the kids for a set amount of time in your house...with you there...a compromise...no SD's...for the benefit of the kids and your Plan A...many have bemoaned a separated Plan A...wished for the time back to do it with their spouse in the house...your choice...you can do this.

CarenMC...look up her threads...she did amazing separated Plan A...wooing and changing...

What she says stays hers..."I hear you saying you feel divorced."

You know you are not. You're married. Do not react to your wife...choose your actions. Act not react.

No arguing...what's to argue? You have your truth, your goal...your road...she has yours. You've invited her to tag along...she has to find her way back to you as much as you did...switched places.

We recovered and my ILs had a hands off approach, also.

Don't focus on her...stay focused on you...

There is no problem unless you choose to make it one...she is seeing life differently right now...full of pain, resentment, turmoil and not fighting her way out of it. Leave off looking at her...you do your plan, stay focused on you and your goal...eliminate your LB's, even in your mind; read up and study, write down what you believe are her ENs or hand her the questionnaire, pleasantly, to complete...hand her the LB's questionnaire for her to complete for you...this is you working on you...not dependent on her...this is now...temporary...for right now, you can do this.

LA