Here is the long and short of it. Been married to my wife for 18 years. 3 Kids. She works full time and I have my office for my business here at the house and am primary caregiver for the kids. I love or loved her dearly and she seemed to love me too. A few nice trips every year and nothing out of the ordinary here at our home. Didn't seem to be any problems. I discovered she was having an affair for about 3 months with a single man. Confronted her. She, of course, was mad I'd even think that. Proved it. Then, she tried to sugar coat it. Lots of lies and denying. Got it out in the open. Lots of pain.....Mostly on my part. I had ALWAYS trusted her. Had to face three months of lies, sneaking and betrayal. I was fighting through it to look forward and get on a healing path. Scheduled counseling etc. She agreed to end it. I called the other guy to let him know I knew. She SWORE this was the one and only one ever to me and the other few of her family members that knew. Well, one week later I discovered another affair that was the first three months of this year about two weeks before the one I found. This guy is married. Naturally, lies, denial, shock. Proved this one too. It ended when she caught him with another woman. We were all there to see it and she acted odd for a few weeks. After I discovered the second one (all I care to dig for and swears there is no more) I asked her to get some things and find somewhere else to be for a while or forever. She was gone one night and she wants to make it work between us. She begged to stay and make it work. Seems like she has been able to just put it behind her and wants to look to the future. We have been working at it for a month. I have done all the scheduling of the 4 meetings with the councelors. Researched everything online. I am the one who is losing sleep and struggling with this. All the images, dates and times with them. When I bring it up she is mad at me. The past or the future. She wants to be trusted. Can this be saved? Should I just not put this effort into this and let her go about her business? ANY advice? Thanks in advance.

Welcome, Time...to MarriageBuilders...

I hope you'll read everything here...especially in the Infidelity forums...General Questions II...and find out you're not alone.

You are experiencing what many of us have...and know about losing sleep, trust, respect, feeling rejected, annihilated or erased...confused about the shoulds, what ifs and if onlys...

I invite you to learn so much...giving yourself permission to bring up whatever you wish, and to acknowledge she becomes angry...and still, bring it up. To find great living skills...know that she earns half the trust over time, and the other half, you choose to give...when you believe in her, again.

And you can.

I believe my marriage was worth saving...your first step is to choose what you believe...and to believe in it...you cannot be made a fool of...you are human. You trusted. She betrayed. Facts of actions...no fool involved. If you choose to continue on this journey, it will take all of you and then some...stuff you didn't know about yourself...with no guarantees.

The posters here on MB have been there, some chose that road...they can tell you about the scenery. The potholes and the view. There are plans here, and one which seems you've been doing part of...Plan A. There is also Plan B. Those are two choices other tha Plan D (divorce) you can contemplate.

Seems like you're a good piece down this road already...you believe in honesty...finding out for yourself, not relying on her...and exposure. Did you expose to OM (other man) 2's wife?

There are steps for your WW to participate in...I heard resentment in you doing all the work, as you posted. Is that correct? Laying a course to recover and knowing there is no contact, withdrawal and then recovery might be helpful.

No contact letter to both OM's...you can find sample ones here in the forums under the search feature...counseling, as you are doing...I recommend both IC (individual counseling) and MC...we did both through our MC...reading His Needs, Her Needs, and Surviving An Affair (both by Harley)...reading all the articles here on this website (links are to the right of your screen), and Coping with Infidelity...

Reading about Love Busters, which include Disrespectful Judgments (DJs)...you have some in your post...no bash here...knowing them for what they are helps you with your own resentment, knowing what you do as part of the dance in your marriage...your power...not you as the problem.

There are great threads on triggers...your images, dates and times, etc...working through these has its benefits...and no, you don't do it alone...

There are many creative approaches to getting the whole truth...after withdrawal. I found that attempting to demand it during withdrawal was useless...why would I ask for truth when I know he is lying to himself and to me? Know that what you are experiencing is now...not forever...time matters...stages matter...you matter.

Welcome.

LA

Thank you for the response. Yes, I'm a bit puzzled as to why I'm doing all the work and telling her, for a month, to get counceling for herself as well. We or she has not told the first guy's wife. He has left his family for another woman in the last month. At the time my wife was with him, he was with his wife and three other women , including my wife. Four total. He picked girlfriend #1 to move in with. This is what I've been told.
The whole discovery part was bad since discovered both within a week. She does get mad when I ask questions. Says she wants it behind her. Every talk led to her slipping and telling more. I, finally, just called both guys and asked for their version of the truth. Of course, I'll never know it all. Fairly sure, with the last one, you can't "just talk" for 5 hours at a guy's house until 2:30 AM when they are single. I knew at that point and decided to not even call during the "talking". That night's story is different every time.
Forgot to mention these guys were both friends we had done social things with.
There are dates she can't account for that probably don't matter. I'll just get more lies. Both guys say she was very aggressive in what she wanted. Lots of planning on phones and talk of what each wanted to do to/with each other. It all makes it hard to believe they were the only ones and this won't happen again. All for now...thanks

T4t,

You know your being lied to. How convient A#2 has left his W? Sounds to me like you WW is protecting him. If this is all true, a call to this XW should not be a problem?

Can I encourage you to post your story in the most visited and popular forum here - General Questions II

But for a start:-

1. Check out the infidelity FAQ's on this site linked below in my signature
2. Purchase "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" from this site or amazon.com
3. Expose your wife's adultery to OM'sW's and family I think at this stage. More widespread exposure is warranted if the affair is ongoing.
4. Read everything you can on this site - Harleys Basic concepts etc.

Post here and inform yourself. You can make it through here.

We have been going to couciling about twice every three weeks. I told one of our close friends about the whole thing (the husband, so she told the wife) I want her to tell another one of our close friends (she works with my wife and had warned her about inappropriate behavior) This will give her someone else to talk to and I can talk to the husband who I am good friends with. They may then understand odd behavior and help avoid situatons.
We still see guy #1 because he lives in same area and has a child involved in same sports as one of ours. Still see #2 wife and kids but no #2. She has not told her. It's been over 2 mos now since discovery. Anything sound unreasonable or odd or advice?
My wife did some things with both that she has never been interested in doing with me. Too tired, too late, said it's different because this is her home. Described it as "just like dating and wanting to please the other person." Was always physical when with them when they met. Lots of calls would be between meetings. Is this normal with most affairs? Should I be waiting for her to show interest in doing these things (diff places, times, things)? I've brought these things to her attention. Do I just chalk it up to these were affairs? Has made it clear she made mistakes and wants to forget about it and move on. Guess I'm not built that way. Looking for direction. Am I trying to overthink this mess?
thanks

The way you describe it - it sounds like your wife was quite active with men who were players and engaged in this type of behavior previously. This means that she has continued to put your health at great risk for STD's. It is absolutely essential that the both of you be tested for STD's as soon as possible. It is not a point of discussion.

From you description it sounds like your wife would still be engaging in illicit activites if she was not caught. She continued to lie to you to your face time after time. My guess is that she apparently was willing to engage in these betrayals because she felt she was not at great risk for ending her marriage because you would take her back regardless of what she did. She refuses to do the work and in a weird way seems almost rewarded for it.

Did she choose to beg you to let her back into the marriage because she had no where else to go and you were her last choice? I say this because you continue to mention how she does so little work in recovery. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes. She should be working overtime showing her great remorse about how she could have betrayed you in such a horrible way. By not taking action she is sending you a clear message. Am I wrong?