I was wondering if anyone else out there has dated someone for a considerable amount of time after divorce and still felt uncomfortable with their partner's actions at times. I've been divorced for alittle over a year and a half and I've been dating a girl for almost 5 months. I get this feeling from her sometimes that she's not into the relationship as much as I am and that she is keeping things from me like how she really feels and I wonder if this is my instinct or paranoia after what happened in my marriage. My ex wife had an affair and pretty much led a double life behind my back.

The problem is I really care for this person and I want things to work out but I get really freaked out sometimes. I've come to realize that I need to communicate with her what she can do to make me feel more comfortable in this relationship like, let me know what her plans are for a certain day when she goes out with friends.

Anyone else ever experience this and if so, how did you work it out so that you could trust that your relationship is solid?

i think it is realllly important that you DO NOT let your "stuff" from your marriage interfere with a new relationship post divorce. i, for one, give everyone a clean slate. i go into meeting someone assuming they are nothing like my ex and give them a full clean slate until they show me otherwise. i had major trust issues with my ex, his lying, etc... i do not automatically not trust someone new or assume someone is lying just because my ex did. i don't think that would be fair to the other person.

i will say that 9 years of marriage did make my senses VERY sharp and i think i could spot a liar and cheater a mile away. i know EVERYTHING to look for believe me. my radar goes off immediately when i sense something is up.

communication is KEY. talk about EVERYTHING. if you feel you are not getting what you need tell her. tell her your fears and insecurities. if she really cares about you she will understand and do whatever she can in her power to put your mind at ease. just don't over think things, don't analyze every move she makes, etc. you will drive yourself nuts. have an open HONEST relationship with COMMUNICATION and that is really all you can do. if you have those things plus of course respect and caring and love and affection, etc, i don't think you can really go wrong.

mlhb

This is a tough one for me. I would bulk if a man started asking me for details of my plans after only 5 months. It would feel like a controlling behavior, not to mention untrusting. Also if something feels invasive or unsafe, I stop answering questions. However, if a gentleman were to take an interest in my life, I’d probably be very happy to fill him in on where we went, or were going.

Is she secretive?

Hi mlhb and Greengables,

She isn't secretive but she'll do things that make me question her judgement. I think she tries too hard to please people, including me, for various business reasons and it makes me wonder about her intentions.

For example, she'll wear different, more trendy clothes around her guy friends than she does around me--going so far as to wear the necklace I got her all the time when we're together.

I just get the feeling that if I were to leave her alone for awhile, she'll need to find attention elsewhere and she doesn't realize how her actions can leave the wrong impression on certain people such as "touching a guys arm" while she's talking to him or going out to lunch with a married attorney at his country club alone to discuss business and network.

There was even a situation where she googled her ex-boyfriend's phone # on my computer while I was sleeping once.

All of these situations combined have brought about many arguments and discussions about how to handle things better and although noone is perfect, it seems like she always has an explanation or excuse for what happened but I've heard them all and we're gonna give eachother some time apart to see what happens.

What's her previous relationship history?

How old is she?

Have you talked about a committed or an exclusive R yet?



For me, my gut is usually right..So IMHO if it's your instinct or paranoia - it doesn't matter - something isn't right in the R.
But, not knowing her "history" - it could be alot of reasons. She could be holding back because she's fearful of being hurt, she's a "player", or she's just not that into you..LOL...


I would think in a healthy R - a person would just tell you their plans or what they did on a given day...Sharing..thier day with their partner. My WH never shared his day - or he ommitted a few hrs. here and there..Like the hrs. he spent in a hotel room w/someone else's Wife...GRRRR...I use to give a play by play of my day..I was hiding nothing.....




Please - you have been drug thru the mud of your XW A, point blank ask her if the R is solid.

As for "touching" another guys arm - she just may be a flirtatious women - and you live with it or you don't..I admit that I can be "touchy" with my male friends - do I mean anything by it?? NO...
I can be flirtatious too - in a kidding way - It doesn't matter if the guy is 20 or 75 years old. I'm very friendly and outgoing. I never hid this from my WH. He on the other hand was NEVER flirtatious in front of me - he did it all behind my back..

Hugs

I'd trust my instincts and judgement.

Then, I'd ask myself, where am I now... am I too needy? too lonely?

People tend to settle when they are lonely. If you think you may be on the rebound, stop and just go out as friends, not dates. She sounds flighty, if you ask me.

I'd trust your gut. Any of the items alone are probably fine. But, when you take the aggragate, they are problematic. I especially find problematic, the sense you have that she needs constant attention, and if you can't give it to her, she'll find it elsewhere.

That's not a healthy person.