To All the Wonderful MB Folks,


[color:"red"] Please scroll down several boxes to my latest post...I'm having a problem starting new threads...thanks![/color]

Question: Did plan B help you the BS recover...even if the WS didn't return?

How effective was your plan B? How long did it last? Was your WS angry with you? Did the WS basically never talk to you again?

Thanks
Strongest

Plan B DID help me recover in the sense that I did not have to relive his decision to continue what he was doing every single day. I did Plan A fairly well, until I got complacent and thought I'd "won" already. When I realized it was still in full force (with a vengance) I wanted with all my heart to Plan A, but no amount of unconditional loving was enough and it only drove me crazy mad asking him every night to come back home. It was too painful.

Eventually, I exposed to his mother (who spoke with his father who spoke with him) and wrote a letter to the OW parents (who didn't really care and some how completely supported her decision or at least the ability to live with and make her own mistakes). I don't get it. He's a Christian, She's a Christian, His family is Christian and everyone is apparently "supportive" of whatever decision he makes.

I don't know how well I did Plan B, but I think I've done/tried to do the "right thing" and/or what God is asking of me. I don't know His will for my life. I know that it will be ok however it turns out by his grace, but this is not what I want. I gave him a NC letter Feb 19 (the Sunday after that I told his parents on Thursday. I had told him on Sun/Mon that if he didn't break it off with her by the end of the week that I would do this. I did it one day early, but he'd already told me he wasn't going to write her). Mostly I found her myspace account which said "not fighting for anything I've already won." which freaked me out. (It was a direct response to a blog I had)

I didn't do a NC Plan B very well, since I initiated a lunch in March. Easter he came home and said he would come home in June and he wasn't going to talk to her anymore, but I continued to hear they were out together. June seemed too convenient since it was the end of the school year and she was suppose to be going to Australia. All I could think of was her coming back in November and going through all of this all over again. (It's happened so many times, I've lost count. They continually break it off and get back together.)

I finally filed May 12. He was/is quite angry to have been served papers, but I regretted my decision immediately. I called him the next day to tell him that this wasn't what I wanted and we weren't officially filed so if he could give me a reason not to I would call them in the morning and see if they could stop the paperwork. He said to go ahead with it.

I still can't stop thinking of him no matter how hard I try and the past three weeks have been really awful. I finally wrote him a five page letter and called him last Friday to invite him to my gallery. He said he didn't think he'd be able to make it bc it was short notice, but did actually. I was speaking with someone else, but I'd left the letter out so he picked it up (I thought I'd lost it and rewrote and mailed another one). Yesterday I called him for lunch and we went to dinner also. He said he'd promise to call me in the next week. I called him last night to say goodnight and see if he made it home alright. I called and left him a message this morning. I really don't know what to do. All I can do is love him. I'm not really angry at him for anything that has happened. I would completely offer my heart to him again on a platter at the risk of everything. He says she risks the same thing and is afraid of losing him to me. I don't really feel sorry for her at all and I don't really care either since she put her own self in this situation...

Well, I guess that's my update and way too long answer to your questions. He still wonders if he's on the right path and all I can say is that I know he's not bc what he's doing is wrong and I would tell him that even if we were just friends. Even if he thinks he's happy right now it will never lead to peace because God will not honor this. I don't know. I guess a lot of people think they're happy enough without God...

Have you filed for divorce?

I just noticed your signature line. I don't remember what mine says, but I think it's interesting you put your personality profiles on it. Ours would be...

=========

Married 5 years
WS, 28, ISTJ, EA/PA almost 2 years
BS, 28 ENFP (wants to reconcile and restore, Plan A/B, filed 5.12.06)
No children
High School Sweethearts
Dated year and a half long-distance
OW went to college with him, 28, "waiting," pursued the entire relationship.

I wish you all the best in your situation.

No. I sometimes go months without seeing or talking to my H. He has been gone for over seven years now, and I love him just as much as I did when he was home. Love is permanent. It may be possible to "heal" after a short marriage or if the parties never progressed beyond the "in love" stage, but I do not believe that is possible to heal from betrayal after a marriage of decades.

Hi SBD,

Thank you for your detailed message. It reminds me that this whole thing is a process...every once in a while I wish I could pinch myself and wake-up from this nightmare...then there are those other moments when I'm glad he isn't around so much and coming down on me with nasty remarks and attitudes..rewriting our history.

I know how you feel about taking him back no matter what...I KNOW I COULDN'T take my WS back now unless he had a life changing event..an epiphany or something...I think I would know if he sincerely wanted to try us again...but right now...I don't think it will ever ever happen...so I'll always love him but hate what he did. It hurts.

Hi Nellie2,
Thank you for your honest reply...I know I will always love him...and that is the part that hurts so much...why wasn't I as important to him as he is to me. Well the very best healing I think has been doing my very best giving it over to God.

Strongest

I hate to say this. Honestly, you haven't lost anything if you don't have kids. Ok, you've lost time and the hopes and dreams of what your marriage was supposed to be. I completely understand that. I'm dealing with that myself. However, the fact that there are no kids in the picture makes things infinitely better. You're young. You will love again. You may not believe it right now, but you will. It will be especially tough since he was part of your life for so long, but trust me, he's done you a service by doing this now when you're young rather than later.

Have faith that it will get better over time. I'm feeling better than I did 5 months ago, and expect to feel even better 5 months from now. What's tearing me up inside is not seeing my kids every night or putting them to bed every night like I used to. Trust me when I tell you that the love for your children pales in comparison to anything else.

You will get over your ws. I really think you should go to no contact with him and really let him see what life without you will be like. The reality of the other relationship and what it is will set in soon enough and he'll see she's not the fantasy I'm sure she's constructed in her head.

Take care of yourself. You're young enough to recover from this and love again. You deserve someone who won't do this to you.

[color:"blue"] To All the Wonderful MB Folks,[/color]

This hurts so bad. I just want it to go away. I want to move far away. Why is OW moving around the corner? This is twisted sick...stuff soap operas are made off. My stomach hurts.

I'm only having 4 or 5 feelings all at once...let's see if I can name them...Anger, Resentment, Hurt, Self-Pity, runaway, lash out, love utter hate...why was she my friend...can this really be my life? Why can't my WS be out of the house already? I want to move not 30 minutes away...I want to move 6 hours away.

She proudly drove by me all happy with her nose in the air. My boys were in the car. My WS is at a mtg. (so he says)

Where is the love? How about some consideration? How can my WS blame me and say the meanest things and just not care at all and be so incredibly selfish...why can't he even be civil...after all that has happened. I swear...I don't know...I've tried so so so soso hard for so long...and all I get is "I'm trying to save every dollar I can!!" in mediation.

He'll be home soon...do I show him my tears...let him see my pain...or hide it...the big fake (like plan A) can feel like some times. I'm happy really, I'm fine, I'm strong, no really go try to screw my life and our kids life up...just try...see if you can!! Then when he leaves cry, cry cry.

Strongest

so sorry! all i can offer is hugs... my ex and ow live just down the road and around the corner from me as well. luckily they never drive down my street, no need to. but i know the feeling of having them be just entirely too close by. do not let him see you cry. do not.

hugs,
mlhb

Virtual hugs are good, and you've got mine too ((Strongest ))
You sound like you'll get through this much better than you were in it, and live up to your namesake. I'm almost embarrased over the depression i feel over my own situation. How do you all live under the same roof with WS? Good for you being so strong! My home alone is lonely, and I've lost the reason I worked and planned for our life. But wait, I like to fix dinner whenever I please, or eat out with a co-worker if I choose. I can play my guitar as loud as the neighbors can stand it, and if I want to paint a wall green tonight, well that's my choice. You who are enduring A or the indignity of living with WS - you give me strength to deal with my situation.

Thank You
-GMan

Nellie long time no see!!! As you well know I say AMEN to everything you said. Are we still in the minority??

"No. I sometimes go months without seeing or talking to my H. He has been gone for over seven years now, and I love him just as much as I did when he was home. Love is permanent. It may be possible to "heal" after a short marriage or if the parties never progressed beyond the "in love" stage, but I do not believe that is possible to heal from betrayal after a marriage of decades."

Hi Skye,

I was just thinking about you a few weeks ago. Yes, I think we are still in the minority. It is great to hear from you again!