I have been on this roller coaster for months now, and the biggest hill and drop have come recently. I have been snooping to confirm my suspicions of her having an affair. Well of course my feelings were correct, but the problem is the means by which I obtained my info. I recorded some phone calls and she found out. Now even though she is caught red handed, and even though I'm still willing to forgive her and try to work it out, she's gotten a restraining order on me, temporary custody of the kids, and we have to go to court where I'm sure I'll have to answer for my actions. I feel as if she wasn't entitled to any "privacy" because of the way that she had been acting, and I think that marriages ought to be transparent. Her attitude is that we've been apart for 6 months and I have no right to "check up on her". i told her that she is still my wife and until SHE decides to divorce me, i have every right to know what she's doing. It is not my desire to divorce her, in fact I want to try everything to keep my family intact. The weird thing about it is, I never said anything to her about the affair, or any of her actions, I just needed to know for me, and I was willing to forgive as long as she would be willing to work on the marriage. The only reason I did it was I was hoping to hear an encouraging word that she might say maybe one of her girlfriends, that would give me a glimmer of hope. That never happened, and even with all of the negative things that she has done, she still has found a way to make me the villian. Like I said, now, we have to go to court, and I have to answer for my actions. Does anyone know the penalty for wiretapping in NJ? I'm just fearful that now my kids will see me in a different light, and based on the penalty, they may not see me at all. I just want my family back, and now that seems like it'll never happen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

And you should answer honestly.

"I wanted desperately to save my marriage and my family and to do that I needed to find out about my wife's affair."

Do you have an attorney? If not, get one. I'm not an attorney but forfeiting temporary custody of your children sounds screwed up. What custody arrangements were established when you two separated? Who separated from whom?

Why is your name "fullofregret"? What do you regret? If it's snooping to find out about her affair you've got the wrong perspective or she's been successful at blame shifting.

I have an appointment to see one next week. I didn't forfeit custody, the family court judge granted her temporary custody until we go to court, which was supposed to be today, but in this screwed up state, courts are closed because of a government shutdown over the budget. We had no arrangements, visitation was very liberal, in fact I called them and stopped in to see them everyday. She told the judge that I call HER everyday, and I harass HER by coming to see the kids daily, when actually, she's never there when I call or come. She never asked me to not call or come, but that's not what she told the judge. I left the home in January because she told me that she needed time and space, and that my leaving would allow her to work out some of her own issues. Here we are in July and things obviously have gotten no better. I know now and have known now for some months, that my leaving was the biggest mistake I could make. I was blinded by love and did what she asked thinking that she would honor that. I have done everything she's asked up until now and more. The blame shifting tactic has worked because now I'm the one who can't see my kids, and even though she has been wrong, I still can't help but love her. My regret comes from things that I had done and allowed in the past that caused us to get to where we were 10 months ago. I don't regret anything that I have done since then, because I feel that I have done everything I can to try to work things out.

There is the Jersey law:

From what I have read there is the potential for civil lawsuit as well as criminal trial. But a lot depends on who has the evidence and what they know. Also, it depends on who was being taped, but if both parties did not know they were being taped, it becomes illegal. You can do some searches on the internet and find information. It would definitely be a good idea to have a lawyer to make sure you get good advice.

Well, consider it your lucky day that the courts are closed. Get to an attorney before the court date so you can be in the best position to defend yourself.

Restraining Orders are granted with very low thresholds. Her claims of harrassment were likely believed as better safe than sorry.

Explain all this to your attorney. Your desire should be to move back to your home. Period. In fact, when you realized that leaving was a big mistake, why didn't you move back home? When the RO is lifted, this should be your first action - move home. Ask your attorney about doing this. I bet nothing can prevent it. What can't be prevented is your wife making all sorts of claims against you. For this reason, you need to be a model citizen.

WAT

You get a lawyer, apologize for nothing except wanting to save your marriage and protect your children from the pain of divorce. An active affair is no ground for saving a marriage. It simply cannot be done and I am living proof. The affair has to end before anything substantial can come from your efforts. Have you exposed to everyone that could help or listen or have any influence on either your wife or the other man?

Seek custody of the children and use of the marital home ASAP. If she wants to have an affair and sleep around then let her do it on her dime in the absence of the children. Get back into the marital home and let her leave without the children if she chooses.

Do not take responsibility for the WW's actions or affair. This is a mistake and leads to depression and unclear thinking and emotional decision making. You WW CHOSE to go and have and continue to have sex with someone outside your marriage without thought one to how hurt you would be and how the kids lives may be affected not to mention friends, family, work, financial, etc. She made her bed not you. She had other choices like talking to you if she wasn't happy, divorcing you and others instead she was selfish and entitled to the affair in her mind and now its her drug of choice. If you could have been a better spouse then learn from it. Read His Needs/Her Needs and find ways (healthy) to start Plan A'ing her when the opportunity presents itself. Tell her that you love your family and want to do whatever is necessary to save it short of having your wife carry on an active affair with another man. Only after this ends and NC is in place and withdrawal takes place are you interested in helping her help your family survice this nightmare (her choice).

Get a good lawyer, set boundaries, get back in the home, go for custody (assuming you are a good father and want custody), and so on.

God bless,