Last year I accepted a job in another state with my husband's blessing. He stayed back to fix up the house and get it ready for sale. Every few weeks he was able to visit. He finally moved with me four months later. In March of this year,I found the evidence to confirm what I had suspected for a while--that my H had an A. When I confronted him with the emails he had sent and graphic pictures to go along with it, he confessed that he had actually had two affairs while we were apart. He says he had the affairs because he became resentful at having to leave everything behind (friends, family, our house).

I know one of the women with whom he had the affair. I know that there was no emotional attachment, just an affair of convenience. Please don't get me wrong...I am not dismissing this affair by any means. But the affair that haunts me is the other one. I don't know this woman, have never seen her or heard about her, but he truly had an emotional attachment. From the emails that I found, he told her that he loved her, that the sex was wonderful, and that he missed her.

When I confronted him with everything, he did admit what he had done. He had pretty much cut off contact with these women in the month before my confrontation and he had FINALLY made the decision that he wanted to be there with me, not that he "HAD TO" be there with me. Prior to finding the damning evidence, I told him that he needed to decide what he wanted and either stay or go.

My questions to those of you who have experienced this pain......Do you want to know the details of A? Do you want to know what OW looks like? Do you feel inadequate about your looks? Do you have to fight back the biting comments that come to mind?

I turned to this website shortly after I found out about the A. This has been an incredible source of comfort--to know that what I was experiencing was normal. Only recently did I decide to log onto the forum because I continue to struggle with these questions. Thanks for listening.

SS

Ss,

I'm a newby too. I want to know everything about the OW, but don't want to keep asking (reminding) my husband about her. Yes, I feel inadequate about my looks...sometimes. I'm actually considering getting implants. I did finally go on meds to control my depression/anxiety about affair. I don't know whether the A turned physical or if it was EA only. I want the details but they're painful. Our MC says to focun on our R and not the OW.

My prayers are with you and there are many veterans of our situations who are willing and able to help.

VRS,
Thank you. It's nice to know that someone else is experiencing same. I want to know details, also, but H gets impatient when I ask question, so I don't ask specifics. I think that he hopes that if nothing is said that it will just go away. We were just shy of 12 years. I love him and am committed to this marriage, but triggers send me reeling. When that happens, I have my bouts with crying, sobbing, depression, etc. I have also thought of the implant route. Wish I could afford it, but that won't happen for a while. I think that's God's way of telling me not to do something so drastic over something like this. Sad thing is that I was pretty comfortable with my body until this. You know what I can't get over is the fact that he was willing to risk everything, and has risked our health for the thrill of unprotected sex with these women--not to mention the fact that he could be a father again. (I think if that were the case I would be done.) He hasn't been faithful to any woman, so why would I think that he would be to me? I had hoped that 12 years meant something.

Thanks for listening. It's nice to have a "sounding board" who understands and who doesn't encourage me to move on.

When did you start counseling? Has that been helpful? Does he fully participate in counseling as well?

SS

Ss,

I think that it is very important for you to remember that your FWH's A was not about you or about the OW. It was totally about him. Waywards are totally self absorbed. I have seen the OW, a long, long time ago, more than a decade before the affair. Even in her 20's, OW could not be considered attractive. As theirs was a long distance affair conducted during business trips, FWH pretty much made OW hang out in the hotel room while he was at social events and dinners.

Even he understood the degree of seediness that accompanied his "arrangement." This is a paragraph from his NC letter to OW comparing me to her....

After all this time, OW simply doesn't matter to me anymore. It is the lies and general idea of his betrayal that still cause me to look at him and feel disgust from time to time.

I don't know if that will ever pass.

Who

SS

It seems as if we have a lot in common. We're just over 11 yrs of marriage and also live in FL (near Tampa).

We started counselling about a week after D-Day (Mar 7). He was kind of stoic in counselling at first, but then started to open up. Our MC recommended Five Love Languages, by Chapman and His Need/Her Needs (HN/HN) by Harley. We were to take turns reading these to each other every day for 1/2 hr and discuss content. The books helped tremendously. I found this website through HN/HN book.

My H is now overseas until Dec, so we're having to do everything long distance now.

VRS,
I can't imagine five months apart. After all, it was probably two months (with at least one visit in there) and he was cheating. I don't mean to cause you alarm, but I know that I couldn't trust my H for that long. Yes, we do have much in common. I am glad that we have "connected" even if it is for this terrible reason. I live in Sarasota. H is somewhat uncomfortable with this MB website, but that's his problem. I have given him my online ID and PW so he can check if he likes. I have nothing to hide. Never have. He's the one who has hidden so much.

So, is your H in the military? How do you cope with little ones? It must be very difficult. I will keep you in my prayers.

SS

Who,

Thank you for helping me to put things in perspective. Curiosity gets the best of me, I suppose. I completely agree with your take that disgust is something I feel about the lies and deceit. I pray that in time my curiosity and pain fade. In some ways we understand one another better. I won't say that we are better off because I don't think that's true. He does understand when I say to him "You are not meeting my emotional needs". I understand how much he needs for me to recognize him and stroke his ego (like most men, I suppose). Do you have children? Did you tell family members? I have shared this disgrace with two friends. No one in my family knows, except my sister suspects. I cannot believe that she suspected and saw him at a bar with OW, but never said anything to me. She even said something to my mother, but no one said anything to me when I was down here in FL and they were up there in OH. Oh well, water under the bridge. I don't harp on it because I don't want anyone to know.

Thanks for understanding my need to talk and try to understand, Who. It is comforting to hear from others who have experienced this and survived.

SS

SS

The OW is still here in FL. My H will be working 12hr/7 days a week. Not much to do there except read. We're both prior military, so he's been on this end of things before (me deployed and him at home with children) and appreciates what i'm going through. He's a contractor now.

I lived in Sarasota from '73 to '82. Did you go to school there? I still have a brother there and a sister in Bradenton.

VRS,
Posted my email address on bio in case you'd like to exchange emails. Didn't grow up in Sarasota, actually just moved here from OH last June. That's what caused all of this turmoil....him being up there and me down here.

Take care.

SS

SS,


Yes, I have two DD's from my first marriage, but FWH raised them as his own from when they were 4 and 5. They are now 20 and 21 and on their own.

I didn't tell any of my family anything which was easy cause they live thousands of miles away. My MIL and BIL both know and were pretty harsh with FWH. His A ended before I found out and by the end of the A he had no positive feelings for OW. As far as I know, there has been no contact and no attempted contact from OW (I can't say I will ever be 100% certain of anything ever again though).

Both DD's know and choose not to bring it up. I think it was very hard for them to witness how much pain was involved. Just a couple of weeks ago my youngest DD said to FWH, "well, I don't know what kind of husband you are, but you were always a great Dad." My oldest is married and and gave me my first grandson in December. When all other things in my life are a bit grim, he is the one bright spot. Unfortunately they live in Germany, so I have only gotten to see him twice.

I have only shared the information with one friend. I guess because it still kind of embarrasses me that this happened to me. It doesn't make much sense when you put it in writing, but the whole thing, being a victim, makes me feel a bit weak.

FWH and I are planning on moving to the gulf coast somewhere vic of Tampa or Fort Myers. In fact, I have been working with a real estate agent to find us a property with gulf access for a boat that we can buy now and rent out until we can move in the next 2-3 years.

You take care SS, we are all here for ya!

Who

WOW Who,
Many details same here. I, too welcomed my one and only grandson in December! Great Christmas present! Of course, Pre- D-Day. I have seen him twice, too. When I went back to visit last in April, I was by myself and miserable. It was then that I learned that my sister was aware of his preoccupation with OW and even saw him at bar on a "date", at which time they danced. The dancing was a major "trigger" for me because, again, that was something that was sacred. That is what drives me crazy. And then to learn even more details when I am more than 1000 miles away for a week....needless to say, last visit with grandson was stressed, which is so unfair. I hate being in this situation. I know that it is said that marriage can be stronger, and in some ways I understand that, but there are parts of this relationship that I don't know if I can ever get over the thought of his hands on someone else or his mouth kissing someone else, or the thought that we may be exposed to some STD. Or the fact that I don't believe in "forever" anymore. Oh, my, how did I get so far off topic? I do know this.....God placed us here for a reason (SW FL). Had this happened when we were back in OH, we would have been influenced by everyone's opinions and would have most likely divorced. But here we had to rely on each other. And I haven't told my kids. They would never be able to forgive him if they found out.

I hope that you re able to move to FL in the near future. I absolutely LOVE it here. In fact, we just had that conversation over dinner last night. I don't ever plan on going back. I am not sure if he likes the post D-Day "Me", but this is who I am. I won't go back to being so close to that pain.

I am sorry to have goten so far off track with my email. I do have a lot of suppressed anger and anxiety about all of this. How did you handle the questions and images (sorry--don't have "smiley" that is throwing up) that creep into your mind all the time? How did you get back to a sense of "normalcy"? We are healing. And I do love him. But I've given up on saying "forever" and am very guarded on telling him that he's a wonderful husband. He is, however, my soulmate and I will continue to work on this one day at a time.

Thanks for listening and for understanding.

SS

soulsurvivor, I know exactly what you are going through. I to wanted to know alot of details about OW and ONS. His happened 15 yrs ago(just found out 4 weeks ago) so he claims he doesn't remember alot. He didn't even know this girl and had unprotected sex with her. It is very devastating to know he would risk everything, me getting some std, our relationship.I suspected then because he had a mild case of pubic lice and that was the only indication but he completely denied it through out the years. We were only married 10 mo when it happened. I now have such low self esteem, like I wasn't good enough for him. I now don't believe him when he says that is the only time he was every unfaithful to me. He lied for 15 yrs so now I don't know when and what to believe. I now have jealousy issues because obviously his was somewhat visual because he didn't know her so now if he goes some where I worry that if he finds someone attractive some where he'll try to pick up on them and have another ONS. He has assured me it never happened again after that and it will never happen again. Trust right now is very difficult. We have started MC and the MC said that even though it is my right to know everything and anything about the affair and he should tell me what he remembers of what I ask, but he said it's probably not in my best interest to know details. The visions of him being with someone else are horrible then having to live the lie for 15 yrs is difficult. I hope things get better.

WTMO,
You know, most of the user IDs are familiar territory for all of us. I want to move on, too, yet I find myself "grounded" in this place for now. I don't know which is worse (if that is possible to determine) a ONS or a PA with an EA. My husband slept with two women during the time that we were separated (four months total, with three visits in between). I know one of them. While I am pissed beyond belief, that is just not what haunts me. It's the image of the one that he told "I love you". It's the one that he spent numerous days with and even took my phone calls when he was at the bar with her. She's the one that text messaged him repeatedly and the one to whom he sent graphic pictures of himself to. The one that I have no face to match to the name. The one that I texted from his phone. The one who lied repeatedly to me and told me that she didn't want to be in the middle. Although, I guess that wasn't a lie. She didn't want to be in the middle at all. She took the best and bailed out. I just really struggle with all of the questions and visions and images and lies.

I am so sorry that you found out so long after the event. I am sure that your husband was hoping that you would never find out and that he was in the clear after all this time. How did you find out? I would imagine that a ONS is much more difficult to track than the OW in my husband's case. (And it's almost impossible for me to track her down).... I understand how you would have anxiety issues about if your husband goes away.

You completely understand how I feel. The jealousy over someone you have no clue about what she looks like, who she is, if it meant something to her. I wish you luck for the long road ahead. You are a survivor, as are all of the people on this website. I thank God for the support system provided by the MBs website. I am so fortunate to have found it. I hope that it has helped you, too. Thanks for replying, and please continue to do so. There is comfort in knowing I am not alone. Take care.

SS

soulsurvivor, well I suspected 15 yrs ago because of the crabs, there was no other indications. He completely denied it. I even called a couple dr's at that time to see if there was any other way he could have got them. They said yes, but the chances were very slim. All these years I held on to the fact and believing him that maybe he got them from the laundry room (we lived in an apartment) and people would sometimes be rude & just take your stuff out & put them anywhere. However deep down I always had suspicions I asked him on occassion through out the yrs and he always denied it & said he was completely faithful to me. A couple yrs ago our marriage was starting to be under alot of stress, his mother passed away then husband a year later got a rare med. condition. We were having some problems he was very distant ect. During this time it started to just eat at me, I couldn't let it rest, something told me not to let it go. He kept denying it & would even get very mad & tell me to stop bringing up the past. Finally he broke & admitted to the ons. It is hard to find out this much later because now I have to worry about the last 15 yrs. Did he have any other ONS's? He says that he never did it again and has been completely faithful to me. He said he knew I would have left if he told me then, we had only been married 10 mo. It's hard to look at now because if he did tell me then & I left I wouldn't have my 2 kids now.

My hardest thing is that he had unprotected sex with someone he didn't know, risked me & our relationship, & the fear that there could have been more the last 15 yrs. I think an ONS like that is hard to track. They didn't exchange anything. I have a hard time believing him with what he says now because he lied for 15 yrs. He seems very sincere and is doing all the things to make me feel comfortable. My H doesn't go out without me or anything and he never really has but I still keep looking back & finding tons of times he had plenty of opportunities to do it again. I trusted him all these years, had no worries, if he would have told me back then & I chose to stay I could have at least been less trusting and more aware of what he was doing. I always thought we had a good marriage, even back then, we had lots of fun together & it got even more awesome after we started having children. I feel like I don't really truly know him. Some moments I feel good about my desicion and think I can make it and then in a split second I think I'll never be able to trust him again, and that my pain will never go away. I have visions of them together so it's very hard to be intimate with him. I also feel that he knows he hurt me & I feel that he knows he could have lost his family but I don't feel he knows just how much he has hurt me. He has had such a long time to deal with it. I guess I feel too that if he was genuinley guilty about it that the guilt would have got to him a long time ago & I would have noticed a change, but I never noticed anything. He said he was very guilty & scared I would find out but he knew he had to hide it well. Well sorry this is so long but I'm glad I have someone to talk with that understands what I'm going through to. I'll be thinking about you.

WTMO,
Wow....Lots of lies and deceit. Same here. I just want the feelings to fade. The pain has become tolerable and that's about all. I am able to go through the day-to-day stuff, but I still harbor the pain. I know what you mean about your husband knowing what he could have lost. I guess I just want to hear him say "I'm sorry" and "I will never hurt you again". Something. I want to hear it. My husband lied repeatedly, too. At least it wasn't for 15 years. Gosh, makes me wonder now if there have been others. I don't think so, but now I wonder.

You are so strong. While our Hs hurt us more than they will ever know, we have the strength to move forward. Does your H understand your triggers? Do you have any emotional days? There are times when I become withdrawn and I might cry. He feels helpless and leaves me alone. What he doesn't understand is that during those times I want more than anything for him to hold me in his arms and tell me he's sorry. I can't quite get him to understand that. He doesn't talk about his feelings. So, we press forward and maintain the households, right??

Take heart, WTMO, I don't think that the visions and images ever fully go away, but in time they become less frequent. Thanks for your posting. Be blessed and keep them coming. The support is very much appreciated. Healing is taking place one day at a time. Baby steps.

SS

ss, I completely understand the triggers. I have to drive by the place he worked when he met her, drive down the road he took to get to her house & drive by the place we used to live during that time every single day, it sucks. It makes me cry most of the time. He understands most of the time. Once he said why do you think about it, I don't. It made me very mad. But I have to understand his mood sometimes and his frustration because he gets upset and frustrated with his disability (his med cond.) he has been worsening. He does hold me when I'm having a bad day and he is very good about reassuring me and affectionate and tells me all the time he's sorry & it will never happen again. I tell him that I wish I could trust and believe what he is telling me but it's hard when he looked at me for 15 yrs and said he had never been unfaithful to me. The only difference is he doesn't get mad anymore. When I brought it up before he would get mad about bringing up the past, well now I know why. He wanted to avoid the subject. The only time he backs away is when I get the emotion of anger, I do say some awful things to him, but they are true, like i'll say it's disgusting that you would have unprotected sex with someone you dont know, and come home to me then. How could you do this, he'll initially try to reassure me but if I keep it up he tends to back away. I hope that MC helps us and I would like to know the cause, which I may never know because H says that everything was fine back then. We had financial problems and the MC said alot of people fall into affairs from that being the cause, so it makes it scarier to know he was happily married and then able to do something like that and jeoporidize everything. One thing I do want want to know and he says he can't remember is who initiated it. (I don't believe him). I think if he initiated then he had more of the attraction & it could be easier for him to do it again, but if she did it could have been more a weak moment. does that make sense? My hardest thing that I'm dealing with is trying to believe that was the one and only time it ever happened and that he has been completely faithful to me since. Having a ONS is so much easier I think to hide, they didn't know each other, he quit his job right after that so she didn't have any way of locating him or calling, he knew where she lived but so he says he never saw her again. I love him very much and thought we had a great marriage which he agrees with and I can't imagine my life with out him.

I know he knows he has caused me alot of pain but I don't think he realizes how much he has caused. Sometimes I feel like he expected me to stay with out even considering the consequences of what he did and how he has caused a lot of pain in our family. Our kids now have a mother who is irritable, sad & crying all the time and they don't understand why. I try to be as happy as I can when they are present. I now can tell my H if I'm having a bad day or if I had a bad nightmare and he is very reassuring. But it is hard to accept sometimes because he had been reassuing for 15 yrs that he never cheated on me. It is all so painful. I told him that if there are anymore I want to know now so we can deal with all of it right now in MC, but if I find out anything later, lying anything I don't think I can stay.(I know I say that now). I used to always say if I ever caught him cheating I'd be outta here but obviously I was incorrect.

I do want my marriage to work and I hope that it's true that alot of marriages get better and stronger, that is what I am hoping here. I hope one thing is that we can communicate better with each other and not blow up at each other all the time. I'm glad I have someone to vent to sorry I hope you don't mind. I hope your days get easier, It does take baby steps and I seem to go forward then backwards again. It's frustrating and painful. Talk with you soon.

SS,



This is completely normal and unfortunately lasts quite a while. Frankly, I had real high points and very strong feelings of love for my FWH off and on during the first few months. Some here call it the "honeymoon" period following d-day. There were many very low points as well and I really struggled to just manage my life day to day.

I don't really get the Movies of him with OW anymore and don't really obsess about her at all. The reality of my situation is that for the past several months, I really have come to understand that none of this was about her. She was and is nothing to either of us.

I have moved to a new phase of obsessing which for me may even be worse. And that is accepting that my soulmate is a liar. He told so many lies before, during and after his affair that in my own mind I question every word that comes out of his mouth. I may never be able to believe that he isn't phoning, emailing, or hooking up with some equally desparate OW whenever he's not within my sight.

I guess that was a vent of my own.

Who

Ladies,
Thanks for the posts and the moral support. You know, we used to joke that if the other person ever had an affair we would kill them. Guess he knew it was a joke, huh? Always thought that we would last forever. Now I can't even say the word to him. Used to tell him, "I love you for now, for always, forever" but what the ****** does that mean? I too never thought that I would EVER stay in this situation. But here I am....commiserating with all of you who have decided to do the same thing in the same situation.

JJ--Thanks for your post...Interesting that you talk about the lying in his arms. I remember our D-Day so vividly. I was experiencing pain like I had never known before. Middle of the night and he was ready to sleep on the couch, but I asked him to hold me. He was my best friend and all I wanted was for him to help me through the night. As he held me I prayed that Christ would just put his arms around me and help me. I felt that. It was only by God's grace that I've made it this far.

Who--Even though I still have the images in my head, I struggle with the pain of being lied to as well. When he says I'm beautiful, I am thinking, yeah, right. Just not enough. When he says I am the love of his life or his one and only, I wonder if he said that to her. I think well, why wasn't I enough. I hate him for what he's destroyed in all of this. He has damaged my self-esteem. He's always had a thing for women with big breasts. I have the body of a 12-year old. Nursing three children nearly 20 years ago have taken it out of me completely. And most times when it comes to making love, I need to have several drinks. Sounds terrible. I have always been one who enjoyed and initiated sex. Now I wonder when he isn't in the mood just WHY....Is it me? Is it her?

WTMO--When I was back in OH in April, I made it a point to drive to the OWs home. Rinky dink little apartment in 4-family building in run-down, not-so-nice part of town. I called him to ask if that was the right place. He kind of blew me off...couldn't understand why I was doing this. Was afraid OW would call police (long story). ButI just had to know where they were when the did it. He says that he never took her to our home, but I am not sure. I can understand if he didn't...there wasn't much furniture in the house. He was sleeping on a mattress on the floor because I had furniture here in FL. (He was only supposed to be fixing up the house to get it ready to sell.) He said that he didn't take her into the house because of our neighbors (all retired and very nosey). And he didn't want my daughter to come over unannounced and catch him. He knew what he was doing. He covered his tracks very well. He was an amazing liar. The fact that I don't know if he took her to our house has convinced me that I need to let go of the house in OH. There are a lot of mysteries and unhappiness and temptations (for him). We are doing fine here. So, pray that we sell our house and SOON! Just one more step forward once we get rid of it.

Be blessed....All of You. Thank you for your support--if in no other way than just to read the rantings of a BS. You are an incredible group of people. In this unfortunate circumstance, I am fortunate to have you to rely on. Take care.

SS

The pain and memories are still so fresh.