I am new to post here. I am going thru a difficult time and wanted to seek guidance/advice. Me and my husband have been married for 9 1/2 years and have 2 kids together (7 & 6 months). I won't go into detail, but our marriage has been very rocky for a long time now. We are both to blame for our failing marriage. Recently (May 2006), I found out that my husband had an affair that lasted 4 months (Jan. - April 2006). He had sex with her 4 times over that period. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant when his affair began. He was having unprotected sex with her and coming home to have sex with me (while I was pregnant). I started getting yeast infections one right after the other. I went to the doctor more times than I care to remember. I was suspicious of my husband's affair because he was spending the night away from home quite a bit and not coming home till the next day in the late afternoon. He would always act very hostile and cold when he returned home. Normally, even during pregnancy, I NEVER get infections. These were the worst ever. I asked my doctor if I could be getting these from my husband having an affair. His answer was yes. I confronted my husband and at first he lied and said no. After the 3rd infection, I asked again and he admitted to it. He says that he ended with her because he realized it was wrong and because he wants to be with me and our kids. I have been in a whirlwind of emotions ever since. I never know what kind of mood I'll be in from one moment to the next. I fluctuate between anger, resentment, sadness, etc. At the time that his affair started, I had an appointment to see an attorney to seek divorce. I had had enough in our marriage. I had told my husband a long time ago that I didn't love him and that I didn't want to be in this marriage. It got to where we were only existing together. Many times I pushed him away. I rejected him, I acted cold to him and I wouldn't talk. These were my reactions to the way he treated me. I know that people get thru affairs and sometimes there marriage is better than ever. It's hard to see that now. I am in so much pain that I can't hardly function. I guess the affair has made me realize that I really do love him. If I didn't, this probably wouldn't affect me as it has. We start marriage counseling today. I have been faithfully studying this website, as well as other Christian sites regarding adultery. My husband wants to renew our wedding vows and have a new beginning. He wants to stick with counseling and he wants us to get thru this and have the marriage that God intends for us to have. Well, I want that too, but this affair has almost destroyed me. I'm in a state of confusion. I myself have thought about having an affair. I know I won't. It goes against everything I believe in. I never want to be able to say that I committed adultery. I have ordered some recommended books to help also. This is the single most painful thing I have ever had to deal with. Part of me wants to run from it and get a divorce, part of me wants to try to get thru it and part of me doesn't know what I want. Does anyone have advice/suggestions? Sorry this is so long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

He has acted so different towards me since his affair. He's a lot kinder, more attentive, helping around the house, keeping the yard nice, buying me things, etc. I know part of this comes from guilt!! I'm pretty numb to his kindness at this point.

I also wanted to add...more than likely, I am strong enough to not go thru with an affair of my own, but the thoughts are overwhelming right now. It's all I think of. I know that this can be a typical reaction to my husband's affair. I can't get the image out of my head of him and her together in bed. It is debilitating and it makes me sick. These thoughts are forever in my head. It's when I think of him and her together that I feel like I could possibly have an affair.

It angers and baffles me that he took the risk of jepordizing me and our unborn baby's health. Not once did he use protection. He met this girl in a bar and knew nothing about her. Part of me wants to have an affair to show him how it feels and part of me feels like it may help me get past this better (well, I did it too). I know that sounds crazy!! I know I'm not thinking very clearly right now. Please help!!!

Connie,

Welcome to MB. It is the best place you can possibly be, given the circumstances. This forum will be a place where your feelings are understood and shared.

Understanding the why an affair happened is very important. Understanding how our spouse could betray us that way is an ongoing process.

I didn't find MB until 15 months after d-day and I was really struggling with my feelings and pain every day. THe publications are very helpful, as will be MC with a good pro-marriage counselor.

Be prepared for a long, painful process with many ups and downs and most of all understand that the recovery process will be the most difficult processes you ever go thru.

My pre-affair marriage also was rocky in many ways and we have had to work very hard to resolve issues that existed independent of my FWH's affair.

Even after all of the time that has passed, I am still not sure that we will remain together. But, for now, we are still married and still working toward a common goal, a good, happy, fulfilling marriage. That is something, and for now anyway, it has to be enough.

Good luck to you.

Who

Connie,

There really is hope for your marriage.

Please read Longhorns thread at the top of this page.

Order "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" from either here (this site) or amazon.com

Read the infidelity FAQ's and also read all the information on this site provided by Harley. The infidelity FAQ's are linked below in my signature - you can click on them.

Breathe. Remain calm. You can make it through the curse of adultery.

Hi Connie -

The swirling thoughts will lessen with a little time. It is normal to be confused. You do not need to make any decisions about the marriage right now. If you are afraid of him messing with your finances, take steps to protect yourself there but don't make any big decisions. You are a new mom again, and babies are so taxing - the affair is adding to that, so you are not in the best frame of mind to make long-term decisions. As long as you protect yourself, you should give yourself and the marriage a little bit of time.

If your H wants you to have the marriage that God intends you to have, does this mean he has come clean to your pastor? Ask your H to get an accountability partner from church, too - one who is a mature Christian (elderly is great). Talk to this partner and let him know what your H has been up to as well (just to make sure he doens' paint a foggy and less than real picture of what he did).

Has he tested for STD's? I would insist on this, too.

allforone

Hi Connie,

I am new to MB too. I found out about my H's affair on April 23. It's been a very up and down process. I too had been getting yeast infections and never had them before either. I didn't know they were sexually transmitted until recently. My H has since been working really hard at trying to make our marriage better. Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley was the best book I could have read. I read it several times and it really helped. I would HIGHLY recommend it if you haven't gotten it already. I feel exactly like you do regarding the resentment. My H did not use protection either! It's so difficult. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Daisy

Connie,

There is hope, there really is. Order Surviving an Affair like everyone has recommended. Both of you need to read it together though. Also they have His Needs Her Needs for Parents which is the same book as the one recomended.

All of the emotions you are feeling are normal. What I will tell you from experience is you need to get the book asap.

Go to the actual "basic concept" section of this web site if you have not already and read about Emotional Needs and Love Busters. Print those questionnaires out, one for each of you and do them as soon as possible.

I do not know how open minded you husband would be to read the forums, but there are a lot of FWS here that will give him support also.

My husband belongs to the forums and it has helped us tremendously. We both feel like we have learned so much in such a short time and can now understand what happened in our marriage to make it go in the direction it did.

You are angry right now and I understand you would like nothing more than have an affair on your H as payback. This is a normal feeling but if you really think about it what would that solve? Nothing, just make things worse.

Use the tools given by the website and the forums. If you can, make an appointment with the Harleys together. You can do this by phone and it is very helpful. We have and it is worth every penny.

There is hope Connie! I was sitting in your shoes angry, hurt, resentful. etc. I will not lie to you and tell you that it is an easy process but with everyone here, the books that were recommended things will look up.
Keep your chin up!

7142

Dear Connie

I am feeling all the things you are feeling right now. On an emotional rollercoaster and not knowing what is real or not. Needing comforting but the only one to comfort me is the one who caused the pain.

Only 3 weeks ago I found out that my husband of almost 20 years had been having a very long term affair. When he came clean he also said there was another long term affair at the beginning of our marriage when our kids were little, which explains a lot about our entire marriage. According to him he felt so guilty that he pushed me away.

He too wants to start anew with me and try to build what we never gave a chance from the start.

At least you have found out now and have a chance not to waste the next 20 years. If only I could have found out at the beginning, we could have had counselling, then I wouldn't have had 15 sexless lonely years (I thought he hated sex!).

All I can say at the moment is to think selfishly and treat yourself well. Give yourselves a chance to reconnect and start an honest relationship, even though you might not feel there is anything worth saving.

My husband is currently going through all the tests to make sure there isn't anything for me to catch. Fingers crossed we can have some sort of sex life!

This website is a godsend and we are going to try to follow all the advice and do all the questionnaires. We've been to two counselling sessions and they have been useful.

The best thing for me was that we were recommended by the counsellor to go see the other woman together to end it. That way I could see it was done properly (without teary goodbyes etc) and the other woman could see we were a couple and it was definitely ending. Also, the entire story came out on the way to see her because he thought she might tell me everything.

Best of luck with your situation Connie.

Nads

Hi Connie

I feel so much of the same things you are feeling right now. I thought I was alone and crazy. I found out 2 weeks ago that WH was having an affair. We had a big blow out about it and I took the kids and told him we were leaving. I am also 4 months pregnant. He finally came clean and said that he did not want to lose me or the our life together. We have been reading articles and doing questionaires from the website, but i am still so confused.
At night I cry because all I can visualize is him and her having sex. I get so sick to the stomach!! First I'm sad, then resentment, and finally anger. I think about physically hurting him. The father of my children and the man I love. I don't know what's real and what's not real. I think about all the things that he has said to me like he wanted to get away from me, or it's cheaper to keep her, or the fact that he was okay with divorce if I let him keep the boys. So when he says he wants me, it's hard to believe. Does he just want me because of the boys and not being separated from them - or is it because he doesn't want me to get any of his money from an divorce. I think he feels stuck with me because of the boys, and I don't want a partner that is here because he has to be. I am better than that. But he will never say he feels like that.I won't go the the cities were he and his lover met up, I don't think I will ever go to those places with him. I don't want him to buy me anything or take me anywhere, because I don't believe it is authentic. And I don't tell him how I am feeling because I think "what can he do about, he's the one that caused this pain". I sometimes don't want him to touch me, because I think about him and her and I feel dirty. I washed my body for an hour when I found out. I'm so sad and hurt, resentful and angry. Hoping I figure it out as we go along. So I too totally understand what U are going thru and how it makes you me. Just keep reading and studying if fo no other reason but understanding. We can make it thru.
Be Blessed