Hello to all reading. I need help to get my H back home and to work on our marriage. Our story is a bit long but here goes...

In Jan. of this year I was contacted by an ex boyfriend whom I had never heard from or seen for almost 12+ years. Days befor he emailed me, H and our 3 kids moved into our 2nd home. We have been married for 10.5 years we have 3 kids, d9, s5, d3. Niether of us has ever been unfaithful in any way until this all happened. Granted we have had our issues and after the birth of our daughter(d3) I gave up on trying to make my needs known to my H. Big mistake it made more miserable. He is not the affectionate, loving type. He barley would hold my hand in public. He showed me his love with his hard work to buy use the houses, keeping our home in good condition and working to make it better. He is a hard worker. But he is not at all good with his feelings. Well back to the story. I continued to email J. and shortly after we started talking on the phone. He was like my best friend. We talked about so many things that I had felt I couldn't talk to my H about. It never got to an intimate point. We talked as friends. H found out about J on the night of my birthday(feb). he walked in while i was on the phone with him. He was angry beyond controll. he took my cel away and snapped it in two and demanded to know what was going on. I tried to stay calm and told him it was just a friend and kept to it. well he started accusing me of other things and i cant remember all the things that were said and so on. but i do know that he was probing for as much info as he could get. i did break all contact with J(OM) about a week after this all happened. in my stupid atempts to confuse him i told him things that where not true mixed with the truth. I got so angry i was in the fog. well we(I) have tried to work things out and no luck. in march he started to talk with a girl that worked with one of his sisters. he claims it was a short relationship and it was only out of revenge. that once he found she was living with someone they both agreed not to speak to eachother. he had moved out of our home about 4 days after he broke contact. and about 3 days later came back. I thought things would be good and we would move on, even though he confesed this relationship to me. he said that it made him see that he had pushed me off to the side and forgot that i needed his attention.

We it took me a few weeks to start getting over it cause he promised me that nothing happened. Once H moved back in he started to trick me. he called me at work to ask who i was on the phone with he created an email address to look like J and tried to make me talk to him. Which i was stupid enough to think it was really j and i emailed him back and said that if he wanted to talk to go to a web site that had a forum and we could talk there, publicly. Seeing that my H had all of my passwords for all email accounts and i had no cel. I tried to give him access to everything i possibly could so that he would start trusting me again. i started to go to counseling. i tried not to agrue with him. he would just stay in the garage and think wihtout talking to me. he has started drinking alot more(daily) he now smokes about 3 pack a day when he used to smoke just 1 every 2 weeks. I would try to get him to open up to me and tell me what he was feeling and stuff but then he accused me of presuring him. well then i started to leave him alone to think. H started to go out everyday after work and not come home till 9 or 10 pm. weekends he would leave me at home with the kids and go out on few occasions he wouldn't get home till 2 3 am. we both are fairly stuburn. and h has a very bad temper. he has never touched me though. i get frustrated with the lack of understanding from him and explode into this yelling lunatic.

I have started reading thru the MB web site and some of the forums. in this past month i started implementing a paln a on him of lowering my voice asking him what he needs. not presuring him to talk, leting him know that i see his point of view and even if i don't agree with it i understand where he is coming from. have tried to keep our house nice his clothes ready for him but yet he has still pushed me away. we argue daily. and two weeks ago he told me that it was all over and to give him enough space so that he could find an appartment and move out. he did not speak of divorce but yet he insisted that everything between us is compleatly over and he wanted his freedom and that he wanted to make sure that i would not create problems with his life to just leave him alone to move on without me.

I know he is in so much pain and i am too. i think that neither of us really wants to be divorced the thing is that we just can't be together. he finds our home an unbarable place cause of the issues we have had. but yet he refuses to seek any kind of help for himself. most of his freinds don't know what has been going on he keeps it all locked up inside.

I need to get some advice how to get him to talk to me without geting him angry?
how do i get him to see that i love him and that i want our issues to be over with?
I want him to come home.

Please I need as much advise as i can get. Thanks to all.

Well I am posting again to see if anyone would be able to help me thru this......

I have been extremly nice to my H but I will not call him so I don't pressure him and he hasn't called me either.

I have no idea what to do now it has been 6 days and we have talked over the phone 3 times. I have not seen him at all.

He said he has no desire to see me and that he will call me when he is ready to see our kids.

Hi LilD,

It sounds to me like your husband is having a full fledged physical affair, maybe brought on by your emotional affair with old boyfriend. He is exhibiting the classic signs: blaming you, saying he doesn't contact her yet moving out a few days later, not wanting to be with you, etc.

The only advice I can offer is to keep reading all you can here. I will say that I know from personal experience how desperately we want to make things right and get our marriage back YESTERDAY, but unfortunately it usually doesn't happen that way. The best thing you can do is continue your Plan A and expect nothing in return. Do not pressure him. He is a confused pressure cooker right and he doesn't want to open up just yet. Give him time and space and take this time to learn about you.

The affairs usually don't last. Good luck.

I just got off the phone with him and he is being somewhat nice but I can't help breaking down and crying I feel like something is stopping me from breathing... I tried to keep the call strictly to taking care of the bills and he asked me not to talk with his fam. in re to our situation and that he wanted our oldest to call and talk with him and I said that it was ok and he asked if he could see them on Sat. which I asked what time and he said I don't know so i just mentioned that it would be nice to keep a schedual so that I would be able to plan that day. he got upset and sid never mind i will see them after the divorce...
I will post again in the morning...

Thank you for Shattered for your input it is nice to see that someone has responded. All I need is to vent and get a different perspective as to what is going on.

Breaking all contact with the OM means not even talking to him on a public board. If I were your husband, I wouldn't trust you either. How long has it been since you had contact with the OM?

It sounds like your husband and you have different love languages. You want affection, and he shows his love by working hard for you and the family.

When you asked what time he was coming over, he probably thought you were planning on going out.

If I were you, I would continue showing him that he can trust you by being honest. Read about love busters here, and see if you can eliminate them.

I know you're hurting right now, we've all been there and we all know how badly it hurts. It sounds like your husband is trying to twist your words around to say you won't let him see the kids. He is going to bait you to lash out at him. Don't do it. Stay calm and come here and vent. He will try to make you out to be the villian for his behavior. Don't let him.

You have 3 young children that are going to be affected by all of this. Please keep them in mind when making decisions.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? It is a huge help in understanding the dynamics of affairs.

Take care. You are not alone.
S.

lil:

i will tell you what was told to me when i was going threw the same:

1.give him space
2.start working on yourself i.e. do things to help you out.
3.dont break down in front of him or show him you are hurting.

it worked for me dont let him see your having a bad time w/ it. also instead of having an EA w/ the otherguy you should of just talked to him anyhow keep ya head up.

and dont forget to do things to keep your mind off it what ever that may be find a new hobby stay busy it will help w/ it all.

good luck

Thanks for your input.

Believer- I did break all contact with om(J) we both agreed to end our contact that was in Feb. about a week after H found out about it all. so no contact for about 4months. with a set back in march so i think that makes it about 3 months now. Should I stay in the house if and when he comes to see the kids? I don't think I can keep from getting upset in front of him. (which he told me is a LB)

Well as far as the rest of it I guess that I should just keep trying on plan A and see if he comes back but I am going to convince myself that he is not coming back because if I try to think things will work it will only hurt me more.

He is so set in what his mind has told him and he will not look inside himself to let go of his anger, hate and resentment. Lately he can't even bring himself to say that he has any feelings of love towards me. It's hard to move on now my future is up in the air and not just the relationship but financially. He is willing to help me with kids but won't say how much. I am left with a mortgage that takes all of my income and still have to find a way to pay for all of our living expenses, day care and so on.

I don't know for fact if he is having an affair now but i have access to one of his cellphone records to see who he is keeping in touch with but he has a work phone which i can't get any info out of. He hasn't told me where he is living and if he needs anything from our house he is asking for me to leave it in the garage and he picks it up when i am not home.

I did offer to go out with him on a "date" so that we may try to see if we still get along. But i made it clear that no commitments just a nice evening out to have fun. He declined.

He will not come back...

I would stay home. Find something to occupy your time, like cleaning the house. That shouldn't irritate him.

Angel, do you understand that agreeing to talk to the OM on a forum was breaking contact? I am not getting that you fully understand this and wonder if this is part of your H's angst. What was your response to this betrayal when your H confronted you?

What is this "setback?" What happened and does your H know?

The set back was in March. My H created an email address that was very close to OM's and he tried to make contact with me. I answered it and a few hours later H called and wanted us to meet and talk. which we did and I told him that first the email address was close but when it came into my email account it showed the name of one of H's friends so i kinda knew that it was not OM but then I refused to believe that H was so sneaky. so I answered and said that i just wanted to let OM know that I was going to work things out with my family and for my family. I loved my H and I wasn't going to cheat on him anymore. I then renewed my promise to stay faithful and that I did not want to be with anyone other than my H.

H did this while he was seeing OW. And to make things he has done everything that he could possibly think of to get me to fail. I have been 150% honest with him and he has used my honesty to twist my intentions to his own personal perspective.

I had never seen OM and till this day I have not seen him. He lives in another state. I now know that he played with my feelings of beeing lonley and used them to try and get me to sleep with him. I just wanted for someone to give me a little attention. Which H had not wanted to give me. I had told him befor that I felt lonley and that I wanted to talk. When we did talk it was all about him. I could never get more than a few words in. Plus I also informed H that I wanted Him to be my best friend. I didn't and don't want anyone.

As far as my daily life I go to work, pick up kids, go home, make dinner, and get them ready for the next day. Weekends I just stay at home and clean house. I would try to not even go out to run erands if he wouldn't go with me. And I have always taken my kids with me everywhere. I have never to this day had one single day or half day for myself. I have been with my kids day and night. How would i ever have time to sleep around if they are always with me?

I have expressed to H that I understand the pain and hurt I caused and that I don't expect him to just up and forgive it all but to try and give us a try. or at least to make sure that he is not going on his feelings of resentment and hate that it is truely the right decision to make.

Please keep posting as this is helping me see things in a different light. And hopefully get things off to a better start. Thanks

But you also made arrangements to continue to talk to the OM, right?


so, really, your H rightly views this as another breach of trust. What is your plan if the OM tries to contact you again?

Mel, it was not the OM it was H who tried to make the contact to trick me. And yes H does see this as another breach of trust. Which I told him at that time that it was never going to happen again and I have keept my promise from then(march) till now.

OM has never tried to contact me agian.

NO contact has been made at all, after this attempt made by H.

If OM tries i will deleat all emails with out opening and not return calls, and hang up if i answer not knowingly who it is. I will also turn to H to let him know what has happened.

Yes, I understand that was not him actually, but it shouted to your H that you were available if he contacted you again and would speak to him. It's real hard to regain trust again when you are tricked a SECOND time, and I suspect this is how your H feels. He probably feels this is hopeless.

Would he come here and talk to us?

no I now for a fact that he will not talk to anyone. His family, my family, friends, our pastor at church, ic, and mc he is set against talking to anyone. He said that his mind has been made up and no one will change his mind.

Well he only did it to me once and that was it. And I have keept all of my end of the agreements we made after both our D-Days. (he had a ea also, after mine) He is just not willing to try and work on us. he is stuck in the past and is reliving the A over and over mentaly. Which as i have read that it causes the bad days.

Angel, his dealing with your affair is not being "stuck in the past. " It takes much longer than that to deal with an affair. Your last breach of trust was just in March. This is not going to go away overnight. It takes about 18-24 MONTHS to recover from an affair. Reliving it the affair in his mind is part of recovery. It doesn't mean he is "stuck."

Do you say this kind of stuff to him?

From this point I will be posting a diary of events, thoughts, and feelings. Hopefully this will help me track my weakness and strengths and really work on my marriage. I will be reading up on some of Harley's books in the next week.

Let me start from the 3 or so weeks that lead to H moving out(7/1). H had stopped "trying" to communicate with me and had started being out of our home almost all the time. He would only come home to sleep. While I took care of everything. The household chores, the kids, bills, cooking ect... I tried my best not to pressure him into opening up to me about his feelings I let him be. Someone had mention "tool worshiping in the garage” and that is exactly what he would do, or sit in our room and watch tv like a zombie. It did make me extremely unhappy to see him so distant and lost. It was hard for me to hide my sadness or hurt. On one or two occasions we did go out and I couldn't be happy. I now look back and see that I made him unhappy by keeping a sad face and we went in circles making each other miserable. Then about 6/20 or so he started to express to me his choice to move out. That he couldn't bear to be in the home that I had lied betrayed and stripped him of his life/dreams in. And that living with me was killing him. We could not agree on anything in regards to our relationship. He has lost so much weight from not eating well, smoking and drinking.

I attempted to make him see that running and working on our marriage was not going to solve the issues we each had to face. (both of our EA's and anger) But his bottom line is I cheated so he is not going to love me anymore and he is leaving me.

Once I saw that it was his choice to move out and not try to work on us I started to recreate my life. I would not inform him of my whereabouts( I ran earns and stuff with my kids mostly no going out to party or anything of the sort) I was just trying to be the best Mom that I could by taking my kids to the swim center, movies on walks, cleaning their rooms/house. I believe that he considered this as my act to show that he did not matter. But I did it for two reasons: my kids and me. He had clearly told me that our marriage was over and I was free to do do what I wanted. I still want to be married to him I still want to continue my life with him. Yet he sees me as an evil person that is only trying to do him harm.

Well a few days before he moved out. I had informed him that my sister was in town and that I was taking time off of work to spend it with her and the kids. I did ask for him to participate or at least join us on one of the outings. He declined. We had planed on doing family activities. He saw it as my family was more important than solving our issues. This is after he tells me to consider myself divorced and that he was no longer in love with me and our marriage was over. So then he moved out.

I did not speak with him until Monday 7/3. Which was a bad choice on my behalf to demand that he take the kids the next weekend. Once we got past the discussion about the kids I went on to ask for him to give us a try and to pressure/make him see that there was hope for us to keep our M and to give it a fair try to be happy. This obviously got us no where.

Thinking back to several of the conversations we have had I see that we both fall into talking about our relationship even if that is not the intent of the call.

to be continued....

Susie

Have you done any snooping to see if he is seeing another woman? His reaction to an emotional affair over the phone when most men are mistakenly relieved that no physically affair took place still seems a little over the top. To me he is seemingly using your betrayal as an excuse to blame this all on you while he continues in an affair that may have gone on for a long time (even preceeding your emotional affair).

Does no one in the family even know you are separated or is it he just doesn't want anyone in the family to know about the problems in your marriage (i.e.-the affairs). If you bust him you WILL need to expose.

These all could be his true feelings and it may be a consequence of your actions but I doubt it. You must investigate his doings and see if he is in an affair currently. If so, everything now is FOG talk and to be discarded until you facilitate busting up the affair, if you can.

Do you have a brother or an uncle that can stake out his apartment/house on a friday or saturday night to see what he's doing and whom with????

Finally, if he's not paying to support his family you may need to consult with a lawyer about a separation/custody agreement forcing him to pay his share of the household bills. Just get the information first and see what the options are in your state. Your kids are depending on you to stick up for their rights.

I'm sorry you are going through this,

Mr. Wondering

I concur with MrW. Are you certain he is not having an affair himself?