Just the synposis. (Good thing you typed that word or I never would have thought of it).

My brain is so fried anymore I have a hard time thinking of anything.

I guess I would be told to start with Habit #2 personally. "Begin with the end in mind". Since I know I want a better marriage then I had before - to me that would be Habit #2. This is where I think I am at right now.

After that I would flip to Habit #1 - Be Proactive. (This would be where the self-improvment comes in mind.) aka Plan A?

Do I have that backwards?

Since you want to put first things first, you cannot have a better marriage until there's a better you. By then you will attract a man who is marriage material. Your husband, as he is right now, isn't.

So, drawing on your spiritual roots, (another Stephen Covey book, btw), find a quiet place to connect with your Maker so that He can teach you who you are - not who your husband has taught you who you are. That's the first thing first. Listen to whatever music draws that forth.

BTW, recovering from burns is quite an ordeal. All of the dead and dying skin has to be scraped off daily to avoid infection. Metaphorically, you will have to go through the same thing, scraping away the torn tissue from your heart - finding out that there really is healthy flesh underneath, then grafting in borrowed strength from Heavenly Father as you learn to love yourself as He loves you.

Would you say that ultimately your "begin with the end in mind" is to be at peace living in joy and happiness, no matter what your circumstances may be?

Why do you think Covey put "Be Proactive" before "begin"?

Another line of thinking - Be proactive rather than reactive. You determine what you want out of life instead of responding/reacting to what life brings you. Then choose your goals - the beginning with the end in mind. Then you prioritize what has to happen (first things first).

What's on your list with that sequence?

I'll be back later today with more ideas and to see how you're progressing with your assignment - I was in a car accident a couple weeks ago and I'm getting a little persistent problem with my car fixed.

What I mean when I say "begin with the end in mind" to me is to create a road map. Kinda like if I don't have a map (plan) how can I be expected to get there?


Yes and that is why I say first step is begin with the end in mind. Create the road map to what I feel will bring me the joy and happiness in life. Find what it takes for ME to do to make MYSELF happy. Once that is discovered, then become proactive and take the necessary steps to get there

I am not sure I am on the right track with the 7 habits because I still somehow think that the book wouldn't have been written with me thinking step 2 should be before step one. I must not be grasping something right.

Will someone please help me write a letter to my H without LB'd explaining to him how much he has hurt me but not agreeing to go to court with me on this Order of Protection.

I am biting my tounge to keep from telling him that I'm not sure that I will be able to forgive him for putting me in this mess. If it hadn't involved this OW in our marriage I wouldn't be having to deal with this whole thing.

It feels to me like he is trying to destroy me emotionaly, mentally, financially and physically. I will not let him suceed though. He has told me I don't even need to go to court that it's just a civil matter. He doesn't seem to understand it's my integrity that is in question. I have NEVER in my whole life hurt anyone physically and here I am accussed by the OW that she is scared of me. To bad they don't have Order of Protections for marriages (Oh, never mind they do, it's called a marriage vow) which he so conviently forgot.

He said that if I go to court they are going to file additional charges (OW, Her Father and Her boss) harrassament and stalking charges against me, and that I just shouldn't go to court.

How am I expected to ever forgive im for something like this. I've been doing pretty good all week, but the closer court gets the worse I get. I feel like I'm all alone fighting this battle, and it's one I must fight.

I so want to put my words into a letter to him but I don't know how to word it so he will understand what damage he has caused and how he is hurting me.

I have read SAA and can't find what page it talks about exposing on. I want to show the attorney this. Can anyone tell me what page #.?

Loving,

I don't think that anything that you say in this type of letter will matter to him right now. The next letter probably needs to be the PLAN B Letter.

Begging him will not work and is not viewed as being ATTRACTIVE by a WS. The task now is to gain his respect.



A WS does not understand..and you can't make him understand, Loving



BULLCRAP!! Of course, they don't want you to go to court. Stand up for yourself and your integrity as you say. Let the court know, like I said before, that you do not choose to be around her again. Tell the truth. That's what your WH and his PYT are afraid of now..the truth...



You are not alone. Trust in the Lord, Loving. HE is with you. Your WH and his PYT are in the hands of EVIL...

Forget the letter, now, Loving.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF..what you will say in court...YOUR PLAN B...how you can build your own strength and faith...

Your H is lost to you right now....

BUT YOU CAN WIN THIS BATTLE FOR YOURSELF...

"He doesn't seem to understand it's my integrity that is in question."

I believe your integrity is not in question...your integrity is yours. You own it.

Mimi, you go girl...you rock.

LA

Loving:

Check out THE ART OF WAR thread as you PLAN for your court date...

Remember: FIGHT THIS WAR WITH YOUR OWN PERSONAL POWER!!

Rantint, raving and thinking - Pity Party Day for me I guess

I sit here and wonder why I am even typing, and what I want to say, or what I even want

Today I feel so alone, as I sit here with tears running down my cheeks, feeling so hurt and angry at the same time. I don't even think H realizes or cares how much he has hurt me and continues to hurt me. I have a hard time trying to understand how one person can do this to someone else (yes, I know I am allowing him to). I'm the type of person if I see someone hurting I want to take on their hurt so they will stop hurting, give them a hug and be there for them. So when someone I love so much like my H can't see this it shatters so much that I believe in.

The uncertainty with Court tomorrow really has me on edge and I can't stop thinking about it. Yet the more I think about it the more I cry and the more I feel hurt and angry I get.

I sat down with a calendar today and was looking at when I can even afford to go to Plan B financially and the earliest date is Sep 29th. I am so afraid that by then I will have gotten to the point that I don't even care anymore. H has and continues to drain my love bank so much that Plan B might not even be an option at that point.

On top of this I have to find me another attorney because when I talked to the one I have about filing S papers in the future after this other court issue is cleared up, her reply was, Oh you don't want to do that. You will want to file D papers. Since I need her for court tomorrow, I wasn't about to ask her how she thinks she knows what papers I need to file. After all I would be the one paying her. I guess she just doesn't believe in Seperation insted of D.

I truely know that if I file seperation papers, (since everything in them is laid out exactly as if they were D papers) when it comes to finances that H will seek an attorney and file D papers. Of course at the rate things are going now I may not even care by then.

On top of all this my son is no longer living at home, but only because he got arrested. (Please don't ask me more on this). So now he is trying to manipulate everyone to post bail for him so I will be the bad one (once again) because I won't put any money in for this. While I love my son to death he has to learn sometime that he is responsbile for his actions and that we can't always bail him out. This is not the first time for him. However I'm sure H will wind up hiring an attorney and bonding him out so once again H will enable our son to continue to make the bad choices that he does. God has given my son so many chances and yet son continues to make the wrong choices. I fear someday God will decide my son has had enough chances.

We have taught our son right from wrong and yet he continually makes the choices that do nothing but bring on problems and pain to those that love him.

I had to go to work this morning for a while and when I got home H wasn't home and for once I am thankful. I am a basket case right now, that I'm not sure how I would act or what I would say if H was here.

My nephew just invited me to go to the Lake with them but I have this damn mid-term due by midnight and I can't even concentrate on it. I have no idea how the heck I will manage to get it done but there is NO way I will let all this stuff keep me from doing it. I've stared at the questions I need to answer for hours and still no answers come to mind.

Please pray for me to find peace at least for the rest of the day and tomorrow. Hugs would be appreciated also.

I hate feeling this way yet I don't know how to get out of this funk.

(((((((((((((loving him)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My prayers are with you. I pray things will go well for you tomorrow. I have an upcoming court date soon too. I am already a wreck and it is still weeks away.

They put us on this journey that we don't want to be on. It's not fair, I know.

My WH is so involved with OW, he could care less about me and the kids. I don't see him ever ending the A. Very sad. I hope someday he will wake up and see the path of destruction he left. My kids wil never be the same again. Not fair to them. It breaks my heart one person can destroy so many lives.

Hang in there. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

CG

I fully support you with not bailing your son out...look to yourself on this, separate from anything anyone else does, because this is true, tough love.

You love in a strong way, LH...know this. Give yourself the acknowledgement, comfort, assurance you are craving from others. You have it in yourself. You really do. The way you love is powerful...love yourself today...be good to yourself...choose clarity...keep your thoughts on you...because you are wholly worth it.

Know that.

LA

Loving,

I will share with you beliefs and convictions that kept me going in my darkest hours...when I felt all alone..and didn't know how I could possibly make it...

My encouragement for you to FIGHT is based on my Christian beliefs..that this is a battle that you are waging against the forces of EVIL...

These are my favorite Scriptures, Loving..

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3: 5-6

Most importantly for tomorrow:

Finally be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the FULL ARMOR OF GOD, so that when the day comes (tomorrow-for you), you will be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of TRUTH buckled around your waist, and with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of FAITH, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one....With this in mind, BE ALERT and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6: 10-18

We will be with you, Loving...Praying for you...

Most importantly, the Lord will be with you in all your GOODNESS...

BTW, you can find another lawyer who will do your bidding...

Keep us informed.

Praying for you.

Court did not go so well, but I can't say to much about it now since I have filed some charges that will be coming up in Civil Court soon.

Now an update, I thought things were going better around here from Tuesday until Friday, then all of a sudden H sends me an email saying he won't be home that night. (No explainations or nothing). It's possible that he discovered the charges that were filed but if so then he hasn't said anything about them yet.

At this point I'm more confused then ever and have no idea anymore what's going on. I start IC next week and am actually looking forward to that.

I mentally have an "end" date in mind on how long I will continue to let things stay this way. In the mean time, please continue to offer me your suggestions and prayer that things will turn around here.

Okay H has not spent the night here Friday or Saturday night. Yet he comes over on Saturday afternoon and hangs around the house (deja vue all over again). When I was taking a nap he left and of course didnt' come home last night.

I woke up at 4:06 this morning and my truck was missing (yes, son is out of jail) and I have no doubts he has my truck. In the past when he has done this, it's just considered by the local authorities as him taking the vehicle without permission. IT's not considered Auto Theft. He is still not home.

I have decided to give H a Plan B letter. I do not think it will have any impact on H nor do I believe he will agree to move out.

Please critique my Plan B letter

My Darling Husband,

This is one of the hardest letters I’ve ever written. It breaks my heart to have to write this letter, however I feel that I need to put my thoughts and feelings on paper. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and to us. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Let me explain.

I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I did not stick to the agreement we had when we first purchased our house, nor did I stand by your side when dealing with the issues of _________ (son’s name). I failed to meet your need to have a spouse that was a willing participant in the one hobby you enjoy (racing). I helped create a void in our marriage that helped allow this affair to happen. I now clearly see many of those things I was lacking in. I just didn’t understand how important it was to us.

I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, or how to meet your needs; including not meeting your need for a recreational companionship or financial support. I can not sit here today and say that I know all that I need to know about relationships but I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving wife. The type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife; the same pride I felt so many times when I called you my husband.

Since I first suspected your involvement with ___________ (OW) and especially since that awful day in April, I’ve been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better wife to you; to give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to build our family together. But the past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the memory of the love we once shared, of all the good times we have spent together. You have always been the “rock” in our family. Your honesty and integrity was something I could always count on. You have always been a great provider for our family. One of the happiest days in my life was the day we got married twenty-five years ago. I remember not so long ago when we were sitting outside a local grocery store and a lady walked up to us and said we look so happy together and wanted to know how long we had been married. Unfortunately, I now find those thoughts and feelings fading away. Before I lose any more of these thoughts and feelings of what was once us, I must take some drastic steps.

M, I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage stronger and better than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply can not continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with _______(ow’s name). It has become too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage together when you completely end your relationship with________ (ow’s name).

Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. I feel it is best that you find another place to stay while I stay in our home. I would also like you to take R with you since we both know that he has a violent temper and has to respect for anything that is asked of him around here. I am also asking that you continue to pay the mortgage payment and I will cover the utilities. I would also like any regular communications between us to be handled through ______________ (name of person here).

I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know the horrific pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with _________. I simply cannot continue to be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and she are together. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery!

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from M and are willing to construct a plan to ensure a total separation. Until that time I will continue to pray for our family and us.

In my mind I will keep the vision of a happy and loving husband where our needs are being met and of a relationship that no others could come between. I know it can happen! I still love you today; I just can not be with you or help you as long as you are still involved with M.

Your loving wife,

Loving:

Hugs to you.

During my PLAN A, my FWH spent each and every weekend with the OW...Been in your place, my friend..I definitely know how hard that it is..

It was like H*LL. I hardly ate or slept. I wouldn't recommend it for anyone..but you see both me and the marriage survived. I spent lots of time getting comfort and support here on the forum. Melody Lane and others..BLESS THEM...

I get the sense that they are AT WAR against you..wanting to run YOU off..

If at all possible, you need to develop a WAR STRATEGY to FIGHT back against the EVIL FORCES trying to DESTROY YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE.

I'm not sure that the PLAN B LETTER is your next step. You, of course, have more information than we do.

HOW CAN YOU GET HIM TO LEAVE..MAKING HIM THINK THAT IT IS BEST FOR HIM?

HOW CAN YOU POSITIVELY NEGOTIATE GETTING HIM OUT THERE?

MAKING HIM FEEL THAT YOU ARE FREEING HIM UP TO BE WITH HER?

IS THIS POSSIBLE BEFORE YOU GIVE HIM THE LETTER?

I'm sorry that I ended up typing in caps..I just realized that..I guess I wanted the emphasis...can't type again because I'm in a hurry...

Think on this and I will be back with you ASAP.

MiMi,

I don't have it in me to Plan A him anymore. I know I'm really emotional this morning and part of it is because night before last I had to break up a pool party at my house at 1:30 in the morning that my son decided to have without asking me.

Now he has stole my truck.

I just want to be left alone here at the house.

I will ask him again to leave making it sound like you suggested but what happens if he doesn't agree?