Today feels like one step backward. I'm far from trusting H right now. He was gone for about 5 hours today and I don't believe he was where he said the whole time. Before he left this morning he told me where he was going and I asked him if he would like some company and he said No. There was nothing unusual about him saying No in reference to that because it was not someplace that normally I would go with him.

Earlier today I had decided I wasn't going to ask him about the N/C but after the absence and letting it get to me, I took Orchid's suggestion and asked H if I could ask him a question. He replied yes, so I then asked him if he was still in contact with the OW and he replied No. I could tell though it irritated him that I asked.

I try not to focus on the OW especially lately since it seems like H was taking a few steps forward. I know I can't control how fast or what he does, so I at least try to remain positive that progress of any sort is made.

In the past I had mentioned some work that needs to be done around the house and last night he was actually talking about having the work done. (Guess he does listen, at least sometimes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) We are going to pay my nephew to do some of the work for us. Hopefully nephew and H will go to the store tomorrow for supplies.

It seems like I see it pop up sometimes for example when he's sitting outside staring at the stars. Then tonight Nephew and H were outside talking and I went to ask a question, and it just felt like H clammed up while I was there.

I feel like I am seeing signs of withdrawal and just keep my fingers crossed that he can fight the urge to see OW again.

I am going to hold off on asking about the NC for life and MC'g until he gets through withdrawal. I guess I see the withdrawal as an inner battle he has to fight. I will do my best to keep things calm and inviting on the home front to help him through this, but ultimatly I know it's his battle.


So true Orchid and I can tell you I don't like this Xws. I want my H back. Think I can hold an exorcisim and get rid of the Xws? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and turn him back into my H?


So far the only real time the anger has come out was in MC'g. I'm hoping that's it. I am keeping my fingers crossed that H and I will eventually be able to talk about the things that I'm angry about.

I am finally learning that I can not control H's response or lack of response to anything. It's not easy but I'm getting there.

Mimi, I know what you are saying is true, it's just hard because anytime in the past he would send me flowers he always used the word love. I try to tell myself that it's better that he doesn't say it if he doesn't mean it. It doesn't make it hurt any less knowing that though.


This is one that difficult to understand. It's like I'm suppose to wipe out 25 years of marriage and start over with him. I have no idea how to do this. On the outside he still looks like my H but on the inside I know he's not. How did you learn to do this Mimi?[/quote]

I know I know I'm expecting him to act as my H and not Xwh. As far as what I want, hugs, kisses, holding hands, anything to show that he wants to touch me. Yes, I know I can't make him do this things and I should be happy that he is not doing them when he doesn't feel it, but oh how it hurts.


Okay 100 percent honesty here without sugar coating anything. I'm holding part of myself back (intentional or unintentional not sure) but I am not sure how much more hurt I can handle. I've let him know that he's welcome back in our room any time, I've asked him to sleep upstairs, and I'm trying to give him time to go through withdrawal and want to come to the bedroom on his own.

Second part to this is, I'm still not sure if our marriage will survive this, as there is one thing he has done that I don't know for sure if it will wind up being a deal breaker for me or not. I hope not but still am not sure. To some degree I think I'm half in and half out the door. I know this is not good for our marriage but I also know I can't continue the way things are forever without one of us taking the next step.

Anyway, since I am still unsure of so things around here right now, this next thing keeps popping up in the back of my head, In our state, even though it's a no fault state there are grounds one can file on and one of the grounds is adultry. I have been told so many times here to protect myself financially and I'm trying to do that. But to continue from the above, adultry can be filed if there has been no sex between the married partners since the affair. The best likelyhood of my getting spousal support for life should our marriage not survive is if we have not had intimate contact after the affair. If you have SF after the affair, in our State it's the same as forgiving the affair.

I know the above sounds horrible and all I can say is it's honest. Granted H hasn't even attemped to hold my hand or kiss me so I haven't had to make a decision yet on the above. I really believe though if the day ever comes that I have to make the choice of intamacy with H or not, that he knows how to push my buttons <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> so I'm sure the thoughts mentioned above would fly out the window.


Mime, I'm gong to follow that at least for now. I'll gauge at a latter time if it is something I should bring up.


Mimi, there are just some days I don't have the energy to do much. As you know most of it for now falls on me and sometimes it's just to much. Those I call my weak days. So on those days, I mainly try to get through the day and not do any LB'g.

I'm doing less then I was initially, but I think part of what I was doing in the beginning was going overboard and now I'm finally learing the difference between being desperate and being loving. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This about YOU and not about YOUR HUSBAND. What are YOU going to do? What is YOUR PLAN..not what YOU need for HIM to do? Try not to feel the urge to control HIM or to get HIM to do anything....THIS IS IMPORTANT

My plans are as follows:

# 1 - Work overtime and bank as much as I can
# 2 - Tie up loose ends financially
# 3 - Once I have the money to cover the lawyer and
an apartment I will talk to another lawyer about
filing a legal seperation.

This does not mean I want any of the above to happen it is simply my plan of what will happen if I get the point that the love for H is dying.

I've thought about this all day MiMi, honestly after being with H so long I have no idea. I always thought of us as a time and now to think individually is very hard for me to do. God knows I'm trying.

What I use to enjoy doing was dressing up and going out with H for a few drinks and dancing. (gosh how that brings back fond memories). I loved seeing the look in his eyes knowing that he thought I was sexy, that made me feel sexy.

Now how the heck am I suppose to do that when H is still distant to some degree? Last night was the first night we've gone out to dinner. Yes I made sure I looked great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't want to look sexy for others, I simply want my H to look and think of me that way. I haven't let me self go, heck after the infidelity diet I weigh less now then I did when we got married. I've lost about 23 lbs so now I'm down to 120 pounds.

Psst, one thing I do enjoy is wearing matching undergarments , hard to believe those are so hard to find in stores anymore. I use to be able to buy them in sets, can't find um anywhere anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> and it's not from lack of looking.

I think I LB'd tonight (twice) once when asking if he is still in contact with OW and then the second time when I casually mentioned that if he put the title to the truck in my name (currently in both names) that I would start paying the car insurance on it. He asked Why, I would do that, I simply said, Because I'm trying to tie up some financial matters. He asked what I meant by that, I replied, "the ball is in your court". He replied, I guess so. That was the end of the conversation because I walked away.

I've noticed that if I give him time to ponder over things he seems to take a step forward. It's almost like he knows that I'm thinking about leaving and decides he better to something.

I'm not passing on a DJ to him, just simply stating my observations.

I'm not sure about sharing the feelings about him not wearing his wedding band.
First, I should say that i dont understand this part of some peoples versions of "Plan A" that says you should share feelings about how you are hurt by what they have done.

But to me, that sounds like "you're hurting me by your lack of commitment to our marriage".
Which is a shade different from "you have really hurt me by sleeping around with this other person".

I'm not sure either is really good. but nor are they in the same area. maybe someone else can comment. I have not read any success stories on how much that sharing of "your affair hurts me" actually helps.

I don't have much time TONIGHT but I will respond to each of your posts ASAP.



I'm sooo sorry, Loving..

BUT, I think it's plausible to go ahead and ASSUME that there was contact with her today..

Steve Harley told me to ASSUME CONTACT unless I had EVIDENCE to the contrary...

5 hrs. of MIA..would mean contact TO ME...



I wouldn't have asked him this.. Because, of course, he will LIE to you and that's why he was irritated. He was thinking: "Do you think I would really tell you the truth?"

I'm not trying to make you feel less hopeful.

I don't want him to fool you.

MiMi,

I know it's entirely possible he saw the OW today due to his MIA time and you are absolutely correct that me might lie about it if I base this on what he has done before.

The part that puzzles me about this, is I seem to be the only one he is irritated with tonight. He was talkative to my nephew, but it was like no matter what I did or didn't do it just plain irritated him. There is one other reason he may have chosen to go MIA today and it's the fact that perhaps our night out last night was a uncomfortable to him. Yes I know this sounds like I am making excuses for him, but believe me I'm not trying to. I don't want to assume either way so for now, the blinders are going back on and I will continue with my plan of first reaching my financial goal

If they saw each other there is nothing I can do anymore about it, other then to remove myself from the picture and let him see what he's missing. I am a good person and as I've told him before I will not live in a loveless marriage. The way I see it now, is if I go to Plan B, it's him that is losing. He will always have the knowledge that his choices were the end of US. I will walk away with the knowledge that I opened the door and did my part in our marriage. So see, I come out as a Winner. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Bad choice of word I know but I'm sure you can understand what I mean.

I've gotten stronger since I discovered the affair and I will continue to grow and change. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. For my own sanity and peace of mind until I have the money I need I will continue to HOPE there is no contact between them. As you said ACTIONS speak louder then words. So his actions are the ones I will continue to look at.

H has come a long way from when I first posted here and while only baby steps have been taken it was tons more then I was getting months ago.

I know this isn't all coming out right but it's early in the morning hours and I woke up with stomach cramps so trying to wait for them to go away so I can go back to bed. Then later on, I won't have the time to worry or think about what H is doing since I have some class assignments I need to knock out today.

LH,

His tiny baby steps are not enough to fill your needs and you should accept on those steps.

If he is irritated with you, why not do some reverse babble and give his irritation back to him? I know I did that when my Xws was an airhead. Later he even admitted he did that so I would pick a fight with him and give him his reason to leave. What a putz. Instead I reverse babbled him into frustration......that pizzed off the Xws and my H started to surface. The more times H came up for air, the less strenght the Xws had to survive. It was an internal struggle for him and him alone but I was not going to let the Xws get the better of me.

JMHO,
L.

I let my anger get the best of me today when H was gone for a bit. Immediately upon his return I asked him where he had been? He said to get gas. Now I know it doesn't take that long to get gas.

That was when my anger came out. I told him I could not continue to be the only one to work on our marriage and that we both deserved more. He simply gave mumbled replies that I could not hear. When I would ask what he said, he replied, Never mind.

Finally I heard him ask how come if I wanted to work on the marriage I cancelled the MC'g sessions. I replied that I changed them to IC'g becuase I was tired of him beating me up in the sessions. Once again he clams up. I then told him I have another appt for the middle of the month and that I will call the counselor and let him know that H may come. I let H know that he didn't have to tell me if he would come or not all he has to do is show up if he wants to work on us. I guess time will tell what happens.

I know I should not have let my anger get the best of me and I have apologized to H and told him it wasn't right for me to just sit home and wait for him to get here so I could explode at him. However it also doesn't make me feel safe when he's gone and I have no idea where he is.

I have to give him some credit though, he has taken a lot of baby steps and part of what is going in is because he's not moving at the speed I wish he was. I keep telling myself I have no control over how small or big steps he takes and stop focusing on what he is not doing and look at what he's done so far.

He has done more changing than I have. In April he wouldn't even talk to me at all, he was full of anger and could barely look at me. Now he's at least talking (this is a major change for him) I have to equate this to me trying to stop smoking (which I do plan on doing soon). So part of my new vow to myself is I will try to think of at least one nice thing H has done lately.

Wow Longhorn you just dropped me like a hot potato. Hope things are okay and I see you posting and offering your wise words of wisdom. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Longhorn hasn't posted since June. I believe he couldn't take tha constant pain here anymore.

Not much going on around here. Truck is in the shop and hopefully by the first of the week at the latest I should have my truck back. Of course it's going to cost me $500 for the deductible. There goes the money I had saved. I'm still working overtime weekly to reach my goal of having the attorney money. I'm truely hoping that I never have to use it to file for LS but I feel I have to be prepared should things continue as they are.

H is paying my nephew to do some work around the house that I've been asking to have done for a while. I'm not sure if this means he's doing it for me or because he knows the house may have to eventually go on the market. Either way, I"m glad it's going to get done. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Next Thursday is the next IC'g appt. I will call the counselor and let him know that it may actually turn out to be a MC'g appointment instead of IC'g. I've let H know when it is and told him he didn't need to tell me if he was going to go all he has to do is show up. Either way, I am taking it as a good sign that H even asked why I cancelled the MC'g sessions.

I still have no idea if H is seeing OW or not. If he is it's very minimal contact. If he shows up at MC'g I will bring this up and see what his response is. There are some days I'm days I'm convinced he's not seeing her then other days (like last Sat and Sun) I think he saw her. My gut says he hasn't seen her in almost 3 weeks.

Gotta run family is here now.

Does this lonleyness and sadness ever stop? No idea why I'm in such a sad mood today. I guess I'm just missing the H I use to have and don't know how to come to terms that he's not the same man anymore. I still haven't figured out how to come to terms that neither one of us are the same anymore.

This is my experience.

I thank GOD everyday that I am not the same.

I am a much better person in ALL RESPECTS.

I'm thankful that I took this as an opportunity to LEARN AND TO GROW in my understanding about myself, my H, marriage and parenthood.

H is having my nephew do some work around the house that I've been wanting done (sand and paint rails on porch) and he's also having some of the wood on the outside edges of the house replaced, and a few other things.

I've also mentioned that we need a new dishwasher and H asked if nephew could put install it.

I had been mentioning to H for the last several years that we need new flooring in the kitchen and the house needs new carpet and H said that my nephew can do the work but that H wants nephew to do the outside work first.

This is the FIRST time that it feels like H is willing to work on having the repairs on the house done. No idea if this is done in preperation of selling the house or if it's done because he knows I want it done and it needs to be done.

See what I mean when I say I analyze everything? I can't accept anything without wondering why something is being done. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Both sons, grandson, nephew and his wife and kids were over the house yesterday. H had school so the rest of us were just hanging out being a family (some of us were playing Yahtzee, others playing chess, and niece watching cartoons. All of us were in rooms that adjoin so while several different things were going on we were all together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

H walks in the house and this is the first time he didn't just go straight upstairs to change clothes. He walked in the room and asked who was winning (Yahtzee) stood around and talked for a few minutes, then he went upstairs to change.

He then came right downstairs and joined son and nephew at table and was watching them play chess and H picked up the instructions and started reading those. Lots of conversation going on there.

Newphew and his wife have planned on grilling at my house tonight (hamburgers and chicken) and wanted to make sure that H would be there. This is their way of thinking us for the help we've given them since they have moved here. Anyway, they wanted to make sure H would also be home tonight so I tlet H that they wanted to grill tonight for us and his reply was SOUNDS GOOD. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Perhaps the FOG is lifting?


I'm taking this as all good signs it just scares me because several times in the past when things have gone well the night before H then seemed to pull back some the following day. Keep your fingers crossed and most importantly keep us in your prayers please.

I feel stuck though. I'm not sure where to go from here other then to continue with what I'm doing and show from the actions around the house that this is definatly where H wants to be.

We are doing so much better then we were 3 months ago and yet I still long for more. I am working on being patient and not LB'g and have done well all week. But I long for so much more from H yet I know I can't speed things up so I'm working on learning to accept that H's choices are just that. They are HIS choices. I am also learning that I can not control (never really thought about it till I discovered this site) but I would always want things done in my time-frame. Now, I'm learning that I can't make him meet my time frame but I do have the power to say when I've had enough and I'm free to make my own choices.

I am still working on saving money should it become necessary to file LS and go to Plan B. I just hope it doesn't resort to that but I will survive should they become necessary. I have learned a lot about myself along this journey and while I have to admit I will be scared if I decide I have to file LS and go to Plan B, but I will survive. The ONE guarantee I can make to myself is that I WILL NOT SETTLE just for the sake of being married.

WOW Loving!

This sounds GREAT to me.

It does seem as if the fog is lifting.

Keep doing what you are doing!

Focus on YOURSELF and not him! That helps with maintaining YOUR Plan A!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Got my truck back yesterday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> One less thing to worry about and now that also means I have NO more rental car payments. I had H pay the deductible on the repairs, told him I simply couldn't afford to pay them.

Now I'm not sure who the heck I made mad at me or if perhaps it's a plan God has for me and hadn't told me about prior to Monday but anyway, my nephew, his wife and 3 kids are now living with me. The extended stay hotel they were living in pretty much was a drug haven and we needed to move the kids away from that environment.

While it does make things a little more crowded around the house to some degree it's a help. Nephew and his wife know what is going on around the house and they are such an emotional support for me.

H is okay with them being there and I think within the next day or two we will sit down with them and let them know the $$$ amount we feel they should contribute to the household. It's hopefully going to be a short amount of time they will be staying with us and hopefully will get them on their own.

H's birthday is tomorrow and I have a counseling session set up for me and let H know he is welcome to join me. I told him he didn't have to let me know in advance all he has to do is show up if he wants to be there. I have already let the counselor know that there is a possibility that H may join.

I think I'm going to contact the Animal Shelter about participating in their nursing home program where you take one of the dogs they have to visit those in nursing homes. I don't have much information on the program yet but I do plan on checking into it.

I'm also going to a book signing on Thursday night. The author is one that I have met in the past and she actually helped me find my brother who I had not seen in almost 25 years. I'm greatful she was ablapproximalty one year after I visited him he passed away. I want to let her know how much she has helped me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I need a private place to talk to some of the EXPERT MB"S here. I just got off phone with my attorney. Really need help. I'm scared and not sure I am doing the right thing.

It's been a while since I have posted. Took some time just to think about things. Here is where things are now. There has been NO contact for one week today between OW and H.

My question is this:

What kind of things will I see during the withdrawal stage?