I may get some heat for this post being this is marriagebuilders and all. I was wondering if there was any BS here that divorced the WS right away or any BS that divorced the FWS b/c they just couldn't get over it, not b/c the fWS wasn't remorseful??

I just ask myself over and over again if I'll ever get over it and be happy again. How long am I supposed to be unhappy for? I'm at the point where I don't even know if it's worth working on after being lied to over and over again and having to find EVERYTHING out for myself.

--CO

It's a personal choice that I struggle with on a daily basis. The one question you need to ask yourself over and over is "do I want to save my marriage?" Right now, I choose to do anything I can to save my marriage but tomorrow, who knows?

it took me three years to really recover myself. its a long road either way.......

I don't know if anyone has divorced the fws, but I know I feel the same way. I have said this many times, I now look at the world through affair colored glasses. 3 years ago, after d-day #1 I begged my ws to stay with me, to work on the marriage. 10 days ago after d-day #2 I told my ws he had to decide what he wanted, I didn't want a divorce but if he couldn't do what it took to put our marriage together I was ok with being a single parent. Now I feel like I'm slowly going crazy and I should have jumped ship 3 years ago.
J1

Most folks are here at MB in the first place because they are trying to save their marriages, so those who divorced outright probably never found their way here and we'll never hear from them.

I do know that one long-time poster here, Mortarman, is in the process of divorcing his WW.
Mulan

I am in the process of D'ing right now. Some days I regret filing, other days I don't.

I NEVER wanted this in my life nor my kid's lives.

WH is living with OW, 17 years younger, still won't admit it's an A, still "just friends".

Had he shown something, remorse, admitted it, whatever, I probably wouldn't have filed. I just couldn't take the lies and knowing he's taking her out in publice with no shame at all.

I guess at the time I had had enough.

D won't be final for a few months, and who knows if I will regret it then.

I'm hoping WH wakes up by then and sees what he's done to his family. But I doubt it. He seems happy with OW and is welcoming D.

Some people throw in the towel at right away, thinking why throw good money after bad.
But what if we all gave up whenever there is trouble ahead?

You know the saying? (paraphrased)
If everyone could have gotten off the ship in the first storm, nobody would ever have crossed the ocean.

Just wanted to throw that in the discussion...
Greetings, may the strong keep going

I actually filed for D in August of last year, long before I discovered this site and others like it dedicated to dealing with affairs. WS and I are a LOOONG way from recovery but we are closer now than 4 months ago. I've dropped my petition and her's is on hold for now.

Even though she is trying to entice the OM to dedicate his life to her, she is still here waiting for something all while putting on a stellar performance of mother, wife and (almost) lover to her husband (that's me) of 15+ years. As my sig says, she is waiting for someone to make up her mind and the clock is ticking......

I keep convincing myself that it will all be worth it in the end. I guess everything will work out exactly as it should in the end.

BS

Hi CO,

I tried working on the M for a year and a half. ExH could not get past the A to work on the M. Oddly enough, he had an EA during the latter part of our attempt at 'recovery'.

When he said that he could never feel about me the same way he did about her, and that their friendship meant more to him than our M, I moved out. A couple of months later, I found e-mails from him to her saying he wanted to marry her, he wanted to be physical with her, etc.

I confronted both of them, and they said they were doing nothing wrong. He then said "Let's just get a D quick. I want this over with." So I filed.

That Nov, his EA ended and we started talking again. From Nov to Mar, we worked through a lot of the pain of the A as well as some of the problems in the M. We even spoke about getting back together. In march, we both agreed that we should go ahead with the D (because if we didn't the case would be dropped) - if we wanted to get back together, we would get M'ed again.

A week after that, I (inadvertently) met the girl who he had been dating for a month. I gave up all hope. But we remained friends.

Fast forward to now. He and the girl have broken up (in Nov), and both his parents have been diagnosed with cancer. He just recently approached me about getting back together.

This time, I said no. And it's killing me.

There are a variety of reasons....but getting back together now would be a slow suicide for us. However, he can no longer be friends. Now we've lost everything.

Let me be the first to tell you that D does not make you heal from the A any faster. All it does is cause you to have to wade through the pain of the A, as well as the devastation of the D. If you want a step by step book, read my past posts. D was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done. My exH would most likely agree. He's going through now what I went through a little over a year ago.

D is horribly painful. It's a lifetime together, destroyed. Recovery from that is IMVHO ten thousand times more difficult. Especially if the A has ended, and your FWS is trying.

I have been separated for nearly 2 years, and D'ed for a little over 1. I have not even begun to date. ExH and I are both still trying to heal individually.

Please, if you two still love each other, and you both are willing to try ....please hang in there.

This is the most important point. There is no short-cut through the pain of infidelity. It has to be healed whether you recover your M or get Dv'd.

co, these are VERY LEGITIMATE questions that no one should condemn you for asking. This program is for those who WANT to save their marriages. Many DON'T choose to save their marriages after an affair and there is nothing wrong with that. That is a choice that only a BS can make. Only YOU have the right to decide if you want to stay and deal with recovery.

Well, I filed last year and my WH tried to get me to wait another 2 years, 'til our son graduated HS. D-Day was July 3, 1998. Less than one year before D-day (1997) I found a letter in his briefcase written to guess who? Right! The OW.

THeir "Friendship" had been going on for a couple of years before I dared to snoop.

We entered couples therapy in 1998 or 1998, I don't exactly remember. He did it very against his will & drug his feet all the way. Never, NEVER cut off contact with the "friend." He was on the phone with her before therapy, and again after therapy.

The year our son graduated 8th grade, I gave him a heads up that D papers were coming, when was best time & place to be served. Didn't want to shock or embarrass him. He came home, begged me to give him a chance to be a nicer husband. His mom was very ill, he was involved in a very long, involved and convulated matter at work, and eventually I relented. I didn't insist on no contact. What an idiot.

He continued contact with the OW.

I endured more humiliation. Phone calls not returned, unexplained late homecoming from work, and engaged in regular snooping in his wallet, briefcase and cell phone.

Finally I got my ducks lined up again. He never expressed remorse. Never admitted to an A. Did, however, promise not to have any more contact with the OW and her family. (Too late - offered w/in hours of paying deposit to hold new apartment for himself.)

In one way, I know I did everything to steer things around. Well, not everything. I didn't expose the affair. By the time I was ready to serve the papers after the 3 year delay, I was really done with the humiliation and shame of being a betrayed wife.

He seems happy now. And our son stopped being jittery the weekend he moved out into his own apartment.

Rambling. Just one woman's story.

Many of us have.

Some still post here.

Others have "moved on".

One poster "FaithInMe", recently posted baby pictures from her child in her new marriage, after divorcing the WS and remarrying within the year.

My D was final in September, but W and I occationally talk about reconcilliation, in spite of "complications" - and in spite of the fact that she usually gives me the brush off.

We have one child, which is the most important factor in that.

-AD

I can think of at least 4 or 5 FWS posters on here since I've been here whose BS would not consider reconciling, despite the fact that the As finished on or before Dday and they were remorseful.

Some people are not willing or able to forgive. Some have already suffered such pain in the past that they need to protect themselves by cutting off. Thats their choice.

Unfortunately, its not necessarily successful. Self-recovery is still necessary, and that involves facing pain.

C_O

I'm now exactly at the 2nd anniversary after d-day and for the first time I am now pretty sure I made the right decision to fight for my marriage. Its been hard but our lives now ( Squid, the kids and myself) is better than it has been for some years and we're dealing with the hurt better all the time.

Also a lot of what hurts has to processed the same whether the choice is divorce or recovery.

I'm still not certain I'll ever 'get over' the things I lost through Squid's affair, but I have no doubt we can live as victoriously and abundantly as possible while we try.

All blessings.

sarah:
hola chica how i see your back and going again, like you i'm going threw some what the same thing as you now im the one who doesn't know what i want to make things worse i we just got this house i really wish i would of waited alittle
longer seperated.

now i kinda want to be single and have the same thoughts as you as far as why they planed out what they did knowing they where married.

i always told her to leave me and i would still respect her but right now i can't and dont trust her even though she hasn't did anything to make me think other wise.

well keep your head up.

Hi, CO. I filed for D almost two months to the day of WH moving out into OW's apartment. Something just told me that he wasn't coming back, and he himself told me the night before I filed that he was going to file against me. So after a lot of soul searching, I decided it was best to end things on MY terms if it was going to end, so I beat him to the punch.

Heck, yeah, it stinks. I never wanted a divorce or for my DD's life to be complicated. But in the long run, I think I will end up happier than I ever was with XH. He's got a long bumpy road ahead of him with OW...

sorry.....could the pain of the truth be any worse than the he// she has herself in???? just tell her and be done with it and man up and deal with the consequences!

sad:
sorry to hear that it didnt work out how are things now for you and DD. what is this power that the OP gets over our spouse anyhow good luck to you.

I felt very similar to you when my xWW A's happened. I really didn't have much confidence in myself being able to move past it. Its something that cut really deep into the foundation of who I am and what I believe in. I know that she knew my views on this even before she had the A which made even more difficult to consider reconcilation. But still I did offer it when I first found out about the A provided she ended contact immediately and we started counselling. She refused and showed no remorse so I proceeded with divorce.

People are right, it takes time to heal regardless but IMHO if you aren't ever going to be able to look past it you are better starting over and healing on your own.

Our marriage had lots of problems before the A was the last straw and the thing that made me give up.

I don't know if that helps, but your not alone in how you feel. I felt the same way.

Miker