I have moved into Plan B on June 13th. I have exposed him at work but he has kept his job. His big boss loves him too much to fire him. His family is furious at me for exposing him at work so I'm not planning to talk to my in-laws anytime soon.

Being in Plan B, I have the greatest fear that my WH has forgotten about me. Could this be possible? Could the alien have brainwashed himself of all the good memories we've shared? It just seems like I've released him to indulge in the sin and he couldn't be happier. I certainly haven't forgotten him. We had such a good relationship for so many years.

Any thoughts?

in my opinion nope...

he owns all the actions of the affair..

can he stuff them and deny them and never confront them..

yep that can happen...

but whats left is so broken and tainted and lost....and soul-less that you are way way way better without such a being in your life...

ARK

R2W,

Are you in the US? Have you found out if your state has the alienation of affection law? Or if there's one for a hostile work environment based on sexual harassment? I ask because it doesn't sound as if you have much family support, and that can make you doubt yourself...

Evidenced by fearing you will be forgotten.

Reality: You're his wife. You are. This is about fantasy, not a real person. You are real. She isn't.

LA

Yes, I'm in the US but my state has abolished the alienation of affection law.

You are right, I'm real. I have been a good wife and life partner. I continue to re-read the e-mails and cards he used to give me (pre-A, of course) and the messages he wrote were nothing but sweet, authentic and heartfelt. I keep praying for my original H to return. I want my old H back!

If he were human, he'd remember our happy moments, our courtship and loving relationship. Sigh...

He is human...

He is filled with entitlement, fueled by resentment and a lack of respect.

He is dealing in fantasy, like a drug...and you didn't make him.

Why would he remember the happy moments, courtship and loving relationship...which would bring crushing, debilitating pain to him right now? Took a lot of justifications and rationalizations to do this...truth wasn't part of it.

Stay in your truth...focus on you...and kick out those guys who abolished that law...seriously. LOL. Whether you were a good wife or life partner or not...you are his wife. Know your facts...his fiction can spill over everything. Up to you to stick to facts, live in them...know your own truth, too. Guard it.

LA

i share your fear...and sadly i've been in this mess for a much longer time than you have so it's probably a greater fear for me!

it doesn't help that before i went totally dark in plan B...my H sent me an e-mail that said "i'm over our relationship, i'm happy and i have moved on. Do the same"

he has now been gone for 2 years and has been living with OW for 14 months

and still i am waiting, hoping and praying

readytowait
people like us are rare and wonderful...they may push us from thier minds but one day (soon i hope) they will remember the love we have for them and the love they had for us....and maybe that love will still be there

that is what we have to be strong enough to wait for....

Thank you for all your thoughts.

I am focusing on myself but my mind wanders so easily. Even in the dead of the night, I'll awake and wonder what went wrong with my WH. I find myself being distracted with WH and his A...I find myself trying to analyze the past and the mistakes I've made as a W. I know that I shouldn't be blaming myself but I can't help it sometimes...

I continue to pray for my WH...for his repentance...for the realization of his sin...for him to seek God's light and truth and to obey Him...for his salvation...

Ready,

I know how you feel. Sometimes I fall into a place where I begin analyzing everything about my short marriage. Some of it IS helpful since now I can see where I need improvements, but much of it is a useless struggle in my mind, trying to put together all the pieces when I'm only playing with half the puzzle.

As people have said to me before, I own half the marriage and none of the affair. I will just have to accept that I will never have all the answers. Right now I see more and more how this is a struggle between my WW and God more than just me and how I conducted myself in our M. My WW will not allow herself to see the changes I'm making and that makes me realize this has way more implications than just me. That is a benefit of all of my soul-searching.

Keep praying for your WH... he'll need it. But don't believe this is your fault, you are doing an admirable thing in sticking with him despite his blindness, it is a testament to your good character.

R2W,

No, I don't really think it is possible. He may come to his senses soon enough for your marriage to recover, and he may not. But no one gets a free ride. I really believe that.

I am ashamed to admit that I was a WS in my first marriage decades ago. I left my BH and started a new life that didn't include him and did so without guilt.

I didn't understand or care that he was hurt. But time caught up with me and I became a BS myself. It hit me like a locomotive and I honestly felt like I deserved it.

I understand now that what happened to me as a BS really had nothing to do with my actions long ago, but, I still believe that there are no free rides in life. We get back that which we give to others, plain and simple. Sometimes it takes a very long time and sneaks up on us when we are least expecting it.

Who

WhoMe,

If I may, I have questions for you.

You wrote you never had guilt for your betrayal of your first husband.

Now in the present, I'm wondering if you've considered contacting him to tell him how you feel now and to apologize. I also wonder what you learned from being on both sides of this, WS and BS.


I also wonder if you married that affair partner, and is this the relationship you became a BS in? If so, I absolutely believe it is related to your actions long ago. JMVHO.

Jo

R,

Yes it finally did sink in that I had hurt my XH. Mind you, we really had a terrible marriage. He was incapable to showing any feeling or affection at all and really neglected me and our 2 DD's. When I decided to leave him, he never once indicated that it mattered to him at all.

We have always stayed in touch and frankly have a much better relationship than we ever did while we were married. He only lives 3 miles away so we still get together for holidays occasionally.

Yes, I did apologize to him for hurting him. He is aware of FWH's affair and while they used to get along well, it's now pretty obvious that XH really dislikes him because of what he did.

I didn't marry FWH until 7 years after my first marriage split up. I guess I didn't make the connection at all, that in my second marriage, I neglected my FWH the same way my XH did me. It really is funny how you can't see the forrest for the trees. FWH was as lonely in our marriage as I had been in my first marriage and responded the same way I had long ago. He looked for attention and affection elsewhere.

Who

Listen, Ready, this is perfectly NORMAL. Do not get so upset. You are relatively new into this. It takes a very long time (it took me several MONTHS) for the "new reality" to sink in. That "new reality" was my life w/o WH. I cried myself to sleep, DIDN"T sleep, didn't eat, the whole nine. BUT, at some point, you have to get on with the business of life.

As has been pointed out to you, your WS is the ONLY one responsible for the A. While you are responsible for your state of the M, it is NOT a one-way street....there's still plenty of stuff your WS could have done to help the M. Leaving it is NOT one of those things.

It is a very good thing to be introspective, to be repenting of your "sins" within the M. It is also a suggestion that you send your WS a letter (I did) telling him that you realize you weren't the best W you could have been. I wrote about specific things, and asked his forgiveness. I sent to where he was living at the time (w/OW), and I really don't know if he got it, but it was lethartic(sp?) for me to do that.

I also spent a LOT of time on my knees, repenting before God for what I had done to help destroy my M. That caused me much pain as well. But it was a necessary - surgery - so to speak. It cut out a lot of deadness, and ugly, black JUNK out of me! After that, and after many months, I picked myself up, and went on with life.

I continued to pray for recovery of my M, for a chance to demonstrate to my H that I had changed! But it didn't come for another 2+ years. In the meantime, I had NO contact from him, so I also dealt with the reality that he wasn't thinking about me AT ALL. I honestly had no way of knowing if he was or not.

When we were finally talking again (3 years+ after he left), he told me he NEVER stopped loving me.....that made all the waiting, praying, worrying worth it!

Hang in there. COntinue praying, seeking GOD, bettering yourself...and leave the results to our Heavenly Father.

God Bless,

Lupo,

Wow I hope my WH is still thinking about me! Who knows if he is. He's living with OW, we are getting D'd, but I guess there is hope, huh? You proved it!
Thanks!

Lupo,

Your message brought tears to my eyes.

As for the letter you sent your H, did he ever respond it? You said you didn't know if he got it...

The last letter I gave WH was the Plan B letter. Since I'm in Plan B, would it be worthwhile to write another letter?

I have definitely leaned on the Lord more than ever before. Yes, repenting of my own sins in the M is very important. I will do so. I know I was at fault for a lot of the friction that was created in our M.