(((((Katie Mae))))))

I'm sorry that you don't feel supported here....I'm sure that it's a lot easier for a BS to get sympathy around here than a FWW.

Mrs.W is right, WS/FWS posts are scrutinized a little more closely........and I usually view them with scrutiny as well....but I can see what you were trying to do Katie, and I applaude your efforts.

I too think that the OMW needs to know more....and as a BS myself, I would have been more than willing to give that to someone................but again, that's as a BS.....I think you are making fantastic strides here, most WS's just want to bury their affair, they certainly don't want to dredge it up for the sake of another person. ***And in my opinion, that makes you VERY worthy of the "F" you have in FWW***

So I just wanted to say good job Katie, and I know that you'll try to reason with your husband, but if he doesn't agree, then ultimately your marriage has to come first, and you are probably trying to POJA this,and I can respect that.

God Bless,

-Caren

Mrs. W-

You are right about how the OMW is going to feel about relationship advice from the FOW...........if it were me, I'd probably read the letter, look at the contents of the box..............and probably burn it ALL.

Having said that. I understand what Katie was doing.....and that it was with good intentions. And actually his personal items, the letter and a book with the word affair in it, sorta spells it out....possibly slightly cryptic, but unless she's a moron, she'll understand.

-God Bless

Caren

Caren...

I too am glad that Katie is taking these steps, and applaud her for trying to do the right thing...

Katie, I don't mean to "bash" you, I just want you to be aware, for the sake of you and your marriage...Keep truckin' along, it will all come together if you want it to...

Mrs. W

Katie,

I agree with your H and I am concerned for your safety. The fact that this guy keeps showing up places stalking you when you have told him you don't want to be with him is a little frightening. I feel it alludes to a more serious character defect. To me he sounds like the type of guy that is going to go nuts when he finds out you sent that stuff to his wife. Just beware and watch your back.

I also think your husband is handling things the only way he knows how to due to his upbringing. In an alcoholic home there is always a huge pink elephant needing to be swept under the rug without any discussion. Maybe when things aren't so tense you can try to talk him. He is also going to need to feel that he is in a safe place with you before he goes spilling any deep emotions to you. He may not feel safe yet.

I am glad you gave the military metals back.

Good luck.
S.

Just wanted to add that I still support the decision to expose the affair to his wife.

Katie child,

And yes to me you are a child, soo young. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> You must learn a few things. One, NO ONE gets recovery exactly right. There is NO exactly right. You have made a few mistakes. They have been pointed out for future reference, but don't you see every agrees with why you did it.

Did you do it as I would have given I was in your situation and I have been reading here for over 7 years? Nope. I don't even fully agree with Mel or WAT about how do this particular situation, but you know what? No one leads their life like I would lead it for them.

So relax. Talk with your H. OM's W has been alerted, she can call you. You have tried to do the right thing and I think you did, did you do it the way I would have? Not completely. So don't be so sensitive about this and realize you have been offered a lot of information that will help YOU and your H if/when OM tries to contact you again.

Think about what you have been offered, discuss a plan with your H, post it here and you will get feedback. It really is that simple.

So hang in there, this too shall pass.

God Bless,

JL

Wow! I just checked my thread (yes, I'm back after my "goodbye cruel world" post, thanks Mrs. W, lol) and saw all of the responses... thank you so much! I really welcome constructive feedback... I am hear to learn and grow as a person, so respectful critisism is always taken very seriously.

Thank you Mrs. W, Dorry, AHuman, JL, CMc, Shattered05 and MEDC, NewBeginningII and MF... I appreciate your honesty. Thank you for seeing that I had good intentions... I agree I made some mistakes (big ones)... I really didn't have a solid plan, and I probably should have brainstormed here first before running off and doing what I did.

H and I talked and he was ademant about me not calling OMW. He said I could talk to her if she called and I can write a follow up letter if I wanted to do that (which doesn't make sense, why a letter is better than a call, but that's H.) We talked a loooong time about it... I told him what Mrs. W. suggested on Suzet's thread about the addiction... he says he understands, but really does NOT want me to make the call.

I know I'm disappointing a lot of people here (including myself) but I'm going to respect H wishes on this one. I hope OMW calls me... I really feel bad about how I approached this.

The day I mailed the package I was home alone for an extended period of time. It's hard for me to be alone sometimes, and I use to do bad things like chain smoke, drink, obsess about or see OM when H was gone for a long time. Now that I am working on healing myself, I do my recovery/self-help workbooks or come here when I am alone, which has helped tremendously.

Since I just saw OM, I was on here voraceously reading Suzet's thread and I was in a complete state of panic. I had those bad feelings again and didn't know how to handle it, so I thought, "now is the time, just DO IT." To be honest, I wrote her a letter and then chucked it. Then I wrote a letter to OM and put it in an envelope with his stuff and SAA. Then I took his letter out, rewrote a letter to OMW and rushed to the post office to mail it out before I changed my mind. It was very fast, and I didn't really think about it. I have to admit, looking back, that I was a little big foggy (and think I am still having foggy moments due to recent contact.)

When I told H that I had mailed SAA to OMW, he winced, "nooooo! KM!!!" Then it hit me... just what Mrs. W said... what nerve of me, the FOW sending a self-help book! What a complete [email]dips@#$[/email] @#@hole. And I thought I had come so far! I'm so embarrassed, and I apologize to anyone I offended on this board. It was very insensitive of me.

I also should not have written something to OM in the letter. At the time, I was thinking of OM telling me "you are my soulmate, I KNOW we will be together someday" and I wanted to say telling his W was "for the best" because I didn't want him to have illusions that we would ever be together. I now realize I was foggy and I was very wrong.

THANK YOU again for everyone who supported me with constructive feedback... I appreciate it. What should I do now? Should I wait for OMW to call me, or should I send a follow-up letter like H suggested? He really isn't budging on the call thing. My stomach is in knots waiting to see what's going to transpire.

My plan right now is to keep doing my recovery work and spend time with H. During our talk yesterday we came up with a plan if OM tries to talk to me so I know what to do if he sneaks up on me again (since it's happened twice now.)

Thank you again everyone... I really value the advice I receive here.

If husband is OK with you writing another letter than I'm guessing you should do it immediately, post it here for comment and send it out. The sooner the better. If your husband didn't ask or require seeing it then don't offer as long as it meets the approval of us herein. IMHO, we really are more objective than either of you and he may just try to stop you saying anything for a million reasons...mostly fear.

Anyway, others will come up with what to say exactly but it should remove any doubt that there WAS an affair (as OM may be in denial mode right now). It should apologize for the affair and for the insensitivity of sending a book. Perhaps it should somehow dissillusion your OM, by inference, that you have any care or concern for him...that none of it was real. You are committed to restoring your marriage and you wish her (not OM) well despite the pain your message has bestowed upon them.

Perhaps you should indicate that she can call you or your husband at a specific phone number or write back if she needs further details or evidence.

Finally, the letter should prompt her to give some indication that she actually received it (as OM may be watching the mail and intercepting such letters) after which you intend to move on with your life and NEVER contact either him nor her again. Perhaps the letter should include a copy of the "no contact" letter you gave her husband or include one if you have not. Don't ask her to give it to OM...as the FOW you make no demands or reference to communicating with her husband...she'll do it without prompting.

Then this can be over.

Mr. Wondering

I agree that letter needs to go out immediately. No later than tomorrow. In addition.. make sure the letter has an apology to her for including the book.
I say have the letter posted here by ealry evening today and prepared to go out the door tomorrow.

Please send the OMW a letter with all the FACTS as soon as possible along with your contact #. She will probably be frantic trying to figure who, what, and why when she gets that package so it would be a mercy to resolve her anxiety as quickly as possible.

And I do admire you for wanting to do the right thing, KM. Although you never intended it this way, please try and understand how shattering it would be for a BS to receive just a HINT of an affair, but nothing else. That would be holy ******. So, I am sorry if you felt my advice was "not constructive" I felt it was important that you understand how very troubling this would be to a BS.

Your heart is in the right place, Katie, and I appreciate the fact that you intend on making this right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know Katie Mae you meant well...

but seriously....

any NC should go to OM only! HIs wife? she's been thru enough FROM THE BOTH OF YOU...HIM AND YOU...and she needs to be finally treated with dignity and respect.

so you also wrote hon that she was "the ow1"? that his marriage was an affair marriage? wow. what a history this winner of an OM has girl. serial cheater. and the wife is already probably sad b/c she's on the receiving end now of WHAT SHE DID EARLIER.

however, this being said...IT IS A HUUUGE SLAP IN THE FACE TO SEND ANY SORT OF AFFAIR PREVENTION/SELF HELP BOOK TO A BW. Or a BS.

My xh's ow...monkeyho...she sent my H bunches of this...she wanted to go to therapy with him to "work things out with me"...she got dumped by him many times, but sucked him back in each time with "I just want you to heal WITH YOUR WIFE"...and he was stuuupid enough to do that...thus contact prevailed...and went as a result more underground.

Your emotions (the crying and the over-thinking) tell me it's not over yet...not the emotional part of the affair.

And your choice of words including how the wife was once the ow too, should NOT diminish the ability to ALWAYS DO THE RIGHT THING.

Sure! My xh's wife is the OW. She's a wistressho. But I do not treat her with undue cruelty other than calling her the wistress and stuff here. In real life, I am decent with extreme minimal contact...I don't go aorund people I don't like or find decent ok?

I don't condone the sending of anything to anybody but the person you're ending an affair with. A NC letter goes to the OP. NOT to their spouse, who has already been injured by the affair.

Families are fragile. It's sickening to know this happens sadly today in over 50 percent...in some studies I've read...up to 75% of all marriages.

And it's GOT TO STOP NOW.

Sorry...

Katie Mae wanna know what I did with the self help/spiritual garbage the OW gave my H to "help our marriage out"?

I gave them to my attorney the day I had named her and subpoenae'd her for my court case. She crossed the line on that one.

I am not being mean. I think you're doing a good job and your heart was in the right place Katie Mae.

But your tact was a bit well...waaaaay off on this one.

Keep up the NC. this should be it.

Hey Katie Mae,
I can see how you were impulsive and sent the pkg as you did. I firmly believe you were doing what you thought was the best thing.

Let's get constructive and draft a letter.

Mr. W had some great ideas to start with.

Why don't you post one and we'll critique it?

I have to go to my inlaw's, but I will try to check in. I don't usually sign on MB from her computer I just read, but I will try to do that tonight.

I'm glad H agreed to a letter. Maybe the OMW will call you. That would be even better.

ok, we're off to the inlaws. take care, Katie Mae.

Dear OMW,

You should have received a package from me recently. I would like to apologize for the insensitivity of its contents. Sending you that book was disrespectful and I wanted to let you know that I am very, very sorry.

I'm also sorry for not being more upfront in my letter to you. I should have told you who I was and given you facts about how I knew your H. I would like to do that now.

My name is KM and I had a three year A with your H that ended last year. I am also M, and my H knows about the R. The book I sent you was ours (again, I apologize.) At one time my M was in crisis, and I sought comfort outside of it by engaging in an inappropriate relationship with your H. I have continued to have occassional contact with you H and the lastest was last week. He told me he was leaving his job and that was the last time that I spoke to him.

I love my H very much and I am not interested in a relationship with you H. I don't ever want to see or speak to him again. I thought you should know the truth, and I'm sorry it took so long to get this information to you.

This will be the last time you will ever hear from me. I'm sorry I intruded on your family. I will regret it for the rest of my life. If you ever need to speak to me, my number is xxx-xxxx.

Sincerely,

KM

I just banged this out... what do you think?

Peach... I know you're not being mean. I appreciate your input. I need to hear the side of the BS, because that's how I learn and heal.

Mel... thank you for the kind words! Your email made me feel better. I was afraid you misunderstood my intentions and I'm glad you see I'm trying to do the right thing (see, I even used the word "facts" in my letter! lol.)

I haven't told H yet about sending this letter... I'm thinking about not doing it, just because I'm afraid he'll change his mind.

Mr. W, you are right about fear... my H has panic/anxiety disorder and although he has been in recovery for quite a while, he still makes decisions that are fear-based at times.

Opinions?

Thanks again everyone for your help...

Katie Mae

Katie, that is PERFECT! I would just send it off now and get it out of your hair. Afterwards, show your H what you wrote.

You did good, girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, Mel...

I've been trying to figure out why I sent the book (other than "I wasn't thinking") and I think I know why.

I'm a "fixer" kind of person and this is something I've been working on... growing up, my brother was mentally ill and the family were always trying to "fix" him and my mom had a drinking problem that we also tried to "fix." I am currently in a helping profession, and it feels good to me to try and help (aka "fix") people. I think on a subconcious level, I felt I needed to help "fix" their marriage (because I helped destroy it) and "fix" OM by pulling him out of the fog.

Anyway, enough of that! I'm sending the letter tomorrow and I'll let everyone know what happens (if anything.)

Thanks you again and God Bless!

Here's a Big Brotherly HUG for you Katie Mae!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
You Done Good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

First,
I know you were doing what you Thought would help in your First attempt.
So good job in starting the process.
That step is Huge and a tough one to Make.

(However, I know you had to have felt like you'd done a good thing ....and probably were more than a bit disappointed by the less then enthusiastic response you got from some of the board).
Sorry you had to experience that.
Just KNOW they TOO had their hearts in the right place.

Next,
big ups for taking that further step to try and make it a little better.

I commend you for that.
Why?
Cause I KNOW it was Oh So very hard to send that First Package.

But even More so with the 2nd.

That took courage.
Especially in the face of your H's reluctance.

So Bravo!!
-------- and wait ........HEAR That??
Listen:

***Applause*** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />........Just for YOU ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Of course I can't speak for them all,
but from this BS (and I suspect for the majority of us out here):
I say Thank You for Helping this woman out.
Cause that's ALL most of us Ever really needed .......a Real Chance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No,
of course you can't change the past,
but by Stopping the Lies and the cover ups .......you've Helped change this woman's Future for the Better.
Thanx for that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

KM,
As far as the book goes:

Again, we know you Only had the best of intentions in sending it.

You thought something like ......."hey, it helped me and my M .....probably could do them some good too".

Only thing you didn't do,
was put yourself in Her shoes and perhaps SEE the gesture AS SHE probably Will.

****************************************************
Yea <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />.......you got it Now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />...........THAT WAY! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
(Nope, not soooo good ....ya know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />).

But don't beat yourself up about it .........Heck, maybe she'll actually read it (before burning it ---J/K of course).
However, it might go upside the OM's head once or twice .......but that's NOT the use I'd recommend for it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Who know, it might even lead her (and him) here.
Stranger things have happened, that's for sure.
Have a good weekend.