This has been bouncing around in my brain ever since I read SAA and started reading these boards for support, and the came up on a recent post.

It's common for a WS to try to shift blame, rewrite history, rationalize & justify their actions, etc, etc.

Does this ever work for them? Does the WS (who never becomes a FWS) in effect brainwash him/herself into believing it so that they never feel guilt/shame/remorse? Is that possible psychologically speaking? (I'm guessing it is possible, but that's not my expertise.)

I sometimes think of a guy in college whom I dated. Towards the end of our relationship, I felt annoyed with him, blamed him for our problems, focused on his flaws, etc, and then broke up with him. Even before reading SAA and these boards I could look back and see that my actions and view of him/us were tainted by my interest in another guy. (At least I had the decency to break things off before starting anything new.) When I look back on that, I feel a bit ashamed and wish I had been more mature about it. I realize that he wasn't as bad as I wanted to believe at the time. Maybe some WS never get that clarity in hindsight - I'm not sure. Thoughts?

hes trying to say these things to justify everthing ...but deep down he knows he screwed up hes trying to hide by leaving blame for you

I think mine absolutely believes the lies he has made up. He can do NO wrong and will never admit anything different. After 22 years of loving and supporting this military pilot and raising our family...his latest email to me said "better married to her than to the beast I was married to for 22 years."

So much for 22 years of our life together. Actually 26. Oh well...it is his loss.

I do think he really believes all the junk he has spewed to her though. Pat

I believe this actually takes place.

And it's not limited to folks engaging in infidelity. It appears to happen in assorted idealogical settings from Moonies (and other isolationist religions) to NASCAR fans. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Pardon the thread jack--gotta know, how do NASCAR fans shift blame, remorse? Or are they just deluding themselves that Oval Track is actually racing? Pardon the interruption.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Lack of remorse is simply an outcome of blame shifting which in turn is simply an outcome of delusion. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT
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Snubdivision - a gated community created to keep out people like YOU.

Easy. Use the clutch and downshift going into turns of fate.

Easier said than done. I've been missing shifts all over the place lately.

Of course they do. Especially as long as they stay wayward. At some point, I think it has to click in what the truth is. Nobody is married to a "beast" for 22 years. Not every minute of a marriage is horrible.

fog, fog, fog

barking spud, I can't downshift anymore cause my gears are all stripped.

I'm also dizzy...I think I keep seeing the same problems crop up with each new left-hand turn. My alignment is permanently stuck...

Ok, now I can see your analogy WAT, even if it wasn't what you intended.

I think it can be summed up fairly easily.

"Peoples perceptions are their realities"

We have all run into the person that was Mr. Popularity in highschool, star athlete etc then you meet their family or you look through the year book and they weren't any of those things. They have been telling to story long enough that they believe it.

If you tell the story about how bad things have been for so long you will believe it too. Not to mention the fact that they are so darn concincing that you start to believe it too.

Lets face the cold hard facts: only a really horrible person would have an A in a good M. Therefore if my M is bad I am not as horrible of a person. If my M was good I would need to take OWNERSHIP for my actions. It is much easier to give that ownership to the BS.

If I tell myself, the OP and anyone else that will listen how bad it has been they will understand why I made that bad decesion. It wasn't my fault my BS pushed me into this.

Post deleted by Hiker45

Some marriages are just not meant to be.

Some people do marry the wrong person and realise their mistake even before taking the vows. But they go through with it anyway.

I think the percentage of people who do that is very small though. WS`s who found themselves in that situation probably do not feel any guilt or remorse. Marriages like that usually don`t last more than a few years and are unhappy from day one.

If I were you I would not feel guilty about that guy in college. He obviously was not the one for you and you did BOTH of you a favour by ending it. You had never lived with the guy, seen him with the flu or washed his dirty underwear and STILL his shine faded...he wasn`t the right guy.

I think they believe it at the time that they speak it. They have to.
When my WxH first left I said "If OW is so wonderful, then why is she cheating on her own H and taking his kids away from him?" My WxH said "her H abuses her!! She has to leave him!!!" to which I said "Well, good for her, at least she has a reason. You, on the other hand, have no reason" and that man actually had the nerve to say "Well, you have abused me, in a way. you weren't the wife I wanted, so that is a form of abuse" I openly laughed at him. right out loud. I was able to see that loud of crap for what it was. He had spent many nights on the phone with OW planning the getaway, and they managed to co-ordinate stories where they both looked like wounded soldiers.

in time, he did eventually admit that he wasn't abused, and oh - by the way - neither was she. I remember the time I said to him "do even YOU believe your own crap anymore?" and he said "No, not really" and I answered "good, because I certainly don't believe it, so please quit wasting my time with it".