Also..

I think your H is tired of having consequences dumped in his lap as a result of what he views as being..probably little more than a silly crush..or something of the sort.

He is *obviously* not taking the addiction aspect seriously.

He may very well resent any MORE fallout..but he would be well advised to accept that the fallout is from the AFFAIR not the exposure.

Cancer unaddressed will still kill you eventually.. people know this somewhere in their intellectual process..that's why they act..but nearly everyone who undertakes chemo feels resentfull about the pain once they experience it.

Many question whether they even want to continue..because although they know the facts..they don't KNOW/accept that certain death will be the result of that choice.

They know they don't like the sting of the current experience..the later consequence is distant and alien enough that a true denial is easily slipped into.

I sort of see your H in that place.

Obviously he loves and cares for you..but he isn't seeing clearly the threat that is before him I don't think..and neither are you..you CAN"T be trusted to be the person who safeguards because you are the addict.

I was never told the time beforehand of when it would be read on the radio program. But, as ML suggested, ask for a written reply. I had asked for a written reply to my original email that was read on the program and did not receive one. I had to email again to get a reply.

Suzet, it is because of your moral obligation to your husband that you should tell the OMW. By not doing it, the odds of a resumption of an affair with her H stay HIGH.

Your moral obligation is to do everything to AVOID an affair and to alert the OMW. You don't have a moral obligation to defy your conscience in order to avoid making your H temporarily angry. If it makes him ANGRY to do what is right and MORAL for you and your marriage, then you have a much bigger problem here that no amount of POJA will resolve.

Suzet, if I steal money from the store am I morally exonerated because my H will not agree to my confession? I would suggest I am not.

Noodle, thanks for your post and thanks for taking the time… I listen to what you’re saying. Please know that I’m not ignorant about this issue…otherwise I would have not continue posting about this and want too seek input from Dr Harley too.

Bingo. It is a waste of time and exercise in futility. All the reasons you should expose to her will still be there. You don't need the advice of a professional to know right from wrong.

I think this will eat Suzet*s guts until she relieves her conscience

True.



Not true.


I wrote back to ask: "Based on your MarriageBuilder's Principles, do you suggest that I expose this affair to the OM's wife by another means? Do you suggest that I disrespect what my husband feels and is asking and expose this affair to the OM's wife? "

I asked this question based on what everyone on this board was telling me to do. Expose regardless of what my H feels.

Dr. Harley would not reply directly to my question. Only that he was OK in letting my husband decide on whether or not to let the OM's W know about the affair.

Thanks Mel, I will do that (ask him to e-mail a response back to me) especially since I will not be able to listen to the radio show (because of different "time-slots" and I don't think I will be able to listen to an overseas radio show). However, if Joyce is going to inform me about the time beforehand, I will let this board know. Do you know how long it usually takes for them to send a response or read a response from the radio show since the e-mail is send?

2BNormal, he told you this because you insisted that your H would not allow it. What was he supposed to say? That is not a MB principle, though. Remember he also told you that the BS "should always be told." And he stated that this was NOT a matter of POJA on the radio to my direct question.

And you are still left with a OMW who does not know. What about her?

My email was responded to on the radio program the same day.

Suzet, I think if you email Dr. Harley directly and just ask for a written reply, he will respond without it being read and responded to on the radio program. Unless you want it to be responded to on the program?

I think it really depends on their schedule. One time it was the next day and the other time it was 3 days out. But both times I received an email from Joyce who asked me if I wanted to call in when my email was read. I really liked that because it gave me a chance to ask follow up questions.

What did you want Dr. Harley to say?

I do understand that the BS should always be told. And I do still feel the OM's W should know. But, I am still in the same position. My H does not want to expose to her. We even discussed this again last night.

2Bnormal, it doesn't matter to me whether the response will be read on the radio program or not. I will not be able to listen to it anyway, so I will make it clear to Dr. Harley that I live in a foreign country and needs his written reply on e-mail.

POJA is not a tool that addresses YOUR own conscience 2BNormal ..... POJA is a practical tool for getting mariage decisions made that do not cause resentment-building to either person in the marriage

if ignoring your own conscience hurts YOU (I happen to think it does) ... then you cannot be expected to sacrifice your conscience because doing that is not in your best interest....


back to the drawing board ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Suzet... I see that you are struggling with this question. I believe in my heart that your conscience is causing the struggle because you know in your heart what the right things is in this case. Does it really matter that Dr. Harley says A or B... I don't think so. No man, no matter how accomplished, is going to convince me that doing the right thing from an integrity and moral stand point is in fact wrong. YOU would want to know if your H was a cheater... the argument ends there... she has a right to know.
I can find you 1000 people that could make a good point on either side of this argument.. who really gives a hoot if they have PhD after their name or not. My ten year old can see right from wrong and would know what is right thing. You have tremendous power here to once again choose to harm a woman that you have already asaulted... or you have the ability to do the two things that can begin her healing process... you have vowed to do the first (leave her H alone) and now you must complete the task by letting her know.
If your H does not agree that you need to handle this in a moral fashion, I say there are some things that he will just need to accept. Your H may be afraid of this man becoming single and available to you. That is a fear he will need to deal with. You have an obligation here to do the right thing... and that obligation is simple... how would YOU like to be treated????
So, let's not worry about how Dr. H will respond to this (BTW, I have heard this very topic addressed in the past and his direction was clear that the BS must always be told... no abiguity at all... ALWAYS BE TOLD). But again... so what... you have a moral obligation to help the woman. You have harmed her and it is time to start making amends. It is that simple and there is NO wiggle room on this issue.
MEDC

Unfortuately, that does not erase your moral obligation to alert this woman. You have a MORAL OBLIGATION to tell her that supercedes your H's objection. Dr Harley was quite adamant that the OMW should be told in your case.

Yes, Dr. Harley made it very clear that the OMW should be told. Dr. Harley did not say that my moral obligation supercedes my H's objection. I never received a clear answer to that.

2B... do you really need another person to tell you that NOTHING supercedes your moral obligations???

You do not need Dr. Harley to tell you what your moral obligations are, because you ALREADY KNOW.

The first question read with your email on air was "do I have a moral obligation to tell the OMW?" Dr.Harley replied YES, and went on to qualify that the contact should come from your husband and not you.

Without going into details about my situation and my marriage...Exposing against my H's decision will cause harm to my marriage and my family. This is not the best choice to re-build my marriage. I choose to stand by my H and his decision.