Ive been with my W for 3yrs. In that time, Ive never cheated on her with anyone. About a month ago someone on AOL started sending my W messages telling her that she has been sleeping with me. My W seems to believe this person. I have an ex wife that also has AOL and I believe it could be her trying to cause trouble for me and W. My W gets these messages while I am at work..so how could I be with anyone else? W has been to my job and sees that I dont even have time to take a phone call much less get out to be with someone else. Im a bartender in a strip club. W feels that because thats the kind of job that I have that I would, and do, sleep with other women. Ive tried every way I know how to assure her that Ive been faithful, but its all starting to really bug the hell out of me. How many times is a person to be accused of the same thing over and over and be put on the defensive about it until they blow up? Helllllllp

TC - Sorry, gotta give this one some thought. Just wanted you to know that someone's paying attention. Weekends are kinda slow, ya know.<P>Welcome to the forum. A question though:<P>Why would your wife have any reason, other than a mystery e-mail, to believe that you might not be faithful to her? I mean, is she REAL sure of your feelings for her?<P>Lori

What would you be willing to do, to help your wife feel more secure?<P>I don't know if your wife approves of you working in a strip club? Do you go directly home after work, or do you stop for breakfast with some of the co-workers?<P>What happened in the past that destroyed the trust your wife had in you?<P>

Heya,<P>You do know that you can inform AOL that somebody is sending slanderous and unwanted e-mail to your wife's (or your) e-mail address, and that you want this harassment stopped. Legally AOL has to inform the person sending these unwanted e-mails to stop and if it continues AOL must shut down their account(s). If this person is falsely slandering you and really trying to do damage to your (a) marriage and (b) reputation, you can even have them charged with harassment and sue them for damages (whatever they may be). <P>Don't sit back and allow somebody to falsely accuse you, don't allow some mystery person to get away with creating for you and your wife. Take action to stop the harassment right away! If your wife sees you aggressively pursuing legal action (getting AOL to revoke their account, threatening to sue or have this person charged) then she would perhaps be more inclined to believe you have been falsely accused. Otherwise, she can only sit back and wonder "why is he letting somebody slander him like this w/o doing anything about it?"<P>Your wife is probably reluctant to believe in your innocence because of your lack of action against whomever is telling her about your alleged infidelities - I know if I were in her position that would be what I was thinking...<P>HTH, Elixir

Totally Confused--<P>I am not the least bit concerned with Ms. Troublemaker. Ease your mind on that. It doesn't bother me in the slightest.<P>What DOES bother me is how you continually stay out after work, even on weekend nights when I can alter my sleep schedule to spend time with you. I agreed to your socializing after work, without me, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but apparently it's not enough. After this agreement, the first time you came home late I was calm and sweet and said that our agreement needed to be readdressed since you didn't come home after work. You re-agreed to come home after work on the weekends, and again, stayed out late Sunday morning. So much for trust in agreements. And you tell me it's my fault and if I continue to ***** and nag you about it, or about anything, you WILL stay out til whenever you want to come home, nary a phone call. <P>You continually lay the entire blame of our fights on me. It's wearing me out and closing me up. There's two of us here, and my emotional needs are just as important as yours. You've stated your needs--your friends (kept separate from me), your time winding down after work (without me), football and wrestling. All right, and what if you get ALL your needs attended to, where does that leave mine in the NO time left over?<P>Even you admitted I'm doing much better about the ex situation. I just let her dance around us with her little selfish/control agendas and smile. Does it create stress? Yes, but so what. What is creating MORE stress for me is always going to bed, by myself, many times waking up by myself when you're on the couch. No romance. No movies I want to see. No dancing. You'd even mentioned your work friends go to a place Sunday nights, and there's dancing. I asked you to check it out, hopefully so we could go last night. You didn't, and I can only assume you will tell me it's because I ***** and nag and you want to keep your friends separate. <P>Funny...you describe yourself as sometimes a hermit and yet have to have your co-worker bonding; I'm the social butterfly and do nothing.<P>I need you to talk to me without telling me everything's my fault. I need you to hold me and make love with me. I need to be in social settings with you. I need to sometimes do things, with you, that I like to do. More than during a blue moon. I need your help with domestic things. Most of all, I need to feel secure and trust your word.<P>I love you very much. Welcome to the forum.<P>Laura<P>P.S. Mrs. Mush4Brains--I know who you are too. <BR>

I JUST KNEW this sounded all too familiar. Keep talking to each other. And, TC, listen, if you don't understand, listen to what she is telling you. Seems to me there's the reasons you were looking for.<P>Lucks - keep talking, keep trying. Maybe it's good you BOTH are posting now. An easier way to talk to each other - hey, we've even got built-in moderators!<P>Lots of love and luck to you both.<P>Lori

Thanks for the responses. I tried to address one concern at a time, but W kinda threw everything at once in here. Im glad there is no concern over Ms. Troublemaker. As far as blaming you for every fight we have, I dont. You seem to take everything I say to you as blaming you no matter how I say it. When you ask me to tell you what my feelings are on a subject, I want to be able to tell you without hearing back "okay, its all my fault" that just doesnt get us anywhere.<BR> As far as my ex dancing around us, Ive stated that I would like a restraining order against her, but you tell me not to take that route, so what CAN I do?<P> Laura--I love you too

A note to Mush..<BR> I guess you and L know each other. Yes, Ive been out to breakfast with fellow co-workers (all male) just as she enjoys lunch with her co-workers. Is this not a normal situation? I dont know what happened in the past to destroy her trust..maybe you can clue me in.

Dear Totally C,<P>Just followed up on your post today. <P>I don't think I've read anything about the breakfast deal, or anything else. I think I got my "perception" from reading your post, and assuming that a lot of people go to breakfast after the bar closes. <P>Sorry to make you feel ganged up on, I really want you to feel welcome at the forum.<P>M4B <p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Mush 4 Brains (edited October 07, 1999).]