moveforward,
You can assume whatever you like. But, if my husband would say expose to the OM'sW, I would! I was hoping that the OM'sW WOULD HAVE ANSWERED THE PHONE when my H called their house a few months ago, so she would be know the truth about her H.

As I stated earlier, I stand by my H's decision for our marriage and family.

2B....you weren't throwing around bible quotes when you were involved in an affair...your use of them now is seems far too convenient and more than a little hypocritical. However, hiding behind one bible quote on headship unfortunately leaves you at odds with other bible quotes and stories.

John the Baptist tells us in Matthew 3:8 to produce fruit in keeping with repentance; if we sincerely repent, we will behave differently. Who we are or how important we think we are makes no difference; we have to produce this fruit, as John commands in Luke 3:8. Repentance is a change of attitude and action, not just muttering, "Oh, I screwed up. God forgive me," and not restoring your harmed brother.

Repentance, obviously, should be sincere and should be accompanied by actions that reflect a change of heart. It is not a trivial matter. The Bible does give a few examples of repenting to other people. The parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:21) is one example. David repenting to Nathan (II Samuel 12:13-15) is another example. Notice that since David sinned publicly, he paid for it publicly. You are required to repent to God and whomever you have sinned against; sin publicly, you must repent publicly.

Hmmm...odd tangent thought here.

Since this is the Marriagebuilders site...

Does telling the OMW build the marriage? In Suzet's case, I'd say yes, since he's still actively pursuing her and attempting contact. I strongly feel that she SHOULD contact OMW...and she should simply tell her H bluntly that it's a step that has to be done in order to safegaurd their marriage.

Will telling OMW in 2BN's case help build the marriage? I don't see how...it's been over a year since the affair ended and no contact has been attempted (I think...could be wrong) since then. Doing so now does nothing to help build her marriage...but puts her H back into the memories and triggers of the affair. (and you know it will...all of us BS's have been through this...it's unavoidable when anything to do with OM comes up)

If the focus is supposed to be on building MARRIAGES (notice I didn't say morals...I said marriages)...what action should be taken? Now...if the plan here on this website is to enforce morality in EVERY situation...that's a different subject, isn't it?

starfish,
I don't know you at all. You don't know me except for what you read on here.

I don't view repentance as a trivial matter. My repentance was sincere and did and does reflect a change of heart. I turned from my sin and agreed with God that that I was in sin. I didn't just mutter a silly sentence as you wrote.

Owl, isn't the goal in life to do the RIGHT THING no matter where you are? I don't think morality is exclusive to a specific time and place, but should be practiced EVERYWHERE, even here. Nor do think sacrificing her morals on the alter of POJA is good for any marriage.

Owl, a couple of pages back, 2B said that her OM made contact- but AGAIN they POJA'd not to tell the OMW. This was AFTER they POJA'd that they would tell her should there be a next time.

2B, if you wanted to tell the OMW you would have done it - if your husband wanted to tell OM to stay away, I do believe he could have called back.

Part of POJA is JOINT- I can only imagine that if I didn't really want to do something I would not work very hard to present my side.

2B, you say you stand by your husband's decision - is HIS decision POJA?

I am removing myself from this discussion. I have to say that it is no wonder that the vast majority of people not getting the need to let the other BS know what has happened are FWS themselves. If they had a clear moral compass in the first place... they would never be on this site in the first place. I understand people change and that the FWS on here are doing the best they can... but obviously there is something off in many of their thought processes. I really need to get away from this line of thinking as it is starting to become depressing.
There are exceptionally few BS out there that would be able to stomach the logic being put forth here. I just can't do it anymore.

MEDC, some days I feel like I need to vomit reading this stuff, so I know how you feel. I just wash myself off, say lots of prayers and come back later. Hang in there, friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There was a "discussion" in the past that we would expose to the OM'sW if he contacted me again. We never made a complete agreement. BUT, I had felt that my H would expose if this happened.


The OM DID call my H back! My H DID tell the OM to NEVER contact me again on this phone call. And HE DID tell the OM to TELL HIS WIFE!


And, you are mistaken if you think I haven't tried to present my side to my H.

I'm tired of going round and round on this same issue that many of us don't agree on. I am now bowing out of this disussion so that it will get back to the intent of the original poster, Suzet.

One last comment...and then I'll shut up, I promise.

IF my wife's OM had been married, I would have insisted that OMW be contacted...odds are very high I would have done it myself. If he'd been married, and OMW found out, I would have wanted her to contact me herself.


I BELIEVE THAT THE OPS SHOULD BE CONTACTED...


But to do so against the will and agreement of the BS is counter-productive to rebuilding the marriage. If you agreed to do something...especially ANYTHING to do with the affair...and then go back on it...you destroy your credibility with the spouse you've already betrayed.

Now...with the realization that OM has tried contacting 2BN recently...I agree that the OMW should be contacted. BUT...this HAS to be done by getting agreement of her BS FIRST.

Otherwise she's ONCE AGAIN destroying trust.

Don't think I'm advocating maintaining lies...or that I feel that the OPS shouldn't know. But this has to be counterbalanced against the greater need to maintain your OWN marriage...IMHO.

My opinion...that's it. I've voiced it, and I'll say no more.

Ya'll have fun debating this to your heart's content.

If you have to lie and sacrifice your morals to maintain your marriage, then you have bigger problems than this. That has no place in a healthy marriage with decent, moral people.

It is not "destroying trust" or "destroying credibility" to make amends to her victim, just the opposite.

owl..

I have yet to be convinced by the arguements presented for not telling....

are true marital deal breakers....

IF the affair is not a marital deal breaker...
then HOW does one logically choose

NON disclosure to an innocent party as the deal breaker...?

how does that work
how is that logical...

and often we must enact for the greater good of humankind...than via our own microscopic universes....

IF marriage building/rebuilding only values honesty and truth within the two parties...and can not or will not extend that value to other parties...it has little value or meaning....

there is no point to valueing honesty within...the marriage.....yet not outside of it

marriages stand for and hold great meaning....
within and outside of the context of the two people...

if speaking the truth was a deal breaker with my spouse..
I'd walk away from that marriage...

I would not be with such a spouse...
I want a spouse who wants better from me and for me..
as I strive the same for them....

God knows having a differing opinion turns you into a callous black and white ranter....

I believe the revealing of truth holds many gifts to all parties involved...
it is an act of love...when done correctly even if not received thusly....

I pray suzet and her husband can see beyond their own fears.....and look at it from a long term perspective....

not a knee jerk lets just get over this and never mention it again stance....

ARK

Well, luckily I'm not in that situation, isn't it?

But I guess that what you're saying is that anyone who is in a marriage where they'd rather solve their own marital issues than focus on OM's marriage is immoral and indecent? That their marriage isn't between decent and moral people? You obviously can't be talking to me, since you've clearly read that I'm not in that situation, and would have contacted OMW myself had I been in that situation.

Nope..

Intentional misread denied.

The message is..if the price of admission to the marriage is loss of integrity..the price is too high.

If I have to become a person I don't respect in order to sustain and nurture the marriage..the marriage problems extend well beyond the issue at hand.

Please explain to me how I misread Mel's response?

Arkie... I *heart* you



this is what saved our marriage

I watched my husband rise to the challenge

he confessed & apologized to the BH in person

if he could not be that man that seeks penance

he could not be my Godly husband

he grew larger in my heart that day

not smaller

You misread it by changing the point from self betrayal to focus on your own marriage.

What ML is saying is that suzet has to agree to do something she knows is wrong in order to be in agreement with her H.

Which is NO POJA btw.

Not real agreement either.

If maintaining your marriage requires that you engage in self destructive behavior..you have bigger rpoblems than whether or not you agree on any single issue.

2B, the he I was speaking of was your husband- if he wanted to talk to him he would have called back.


You must be kidding if you think that your husband telling the OM to tell his wife is going to work.

Surely you son't expect a man who is chading another man's wife to 'fess up' to his wife.

You know if this really bothered you and Suzet as badly as it seems to- you would find a way to present it to your spouse to bring you peace.

I know as a BS, I would do whatever it takes to help my FWS reach a place of peace.

It really is easier on you to not tell- you only have to live with yourself and your own guilt. You don't have to know how badly she is hurt.

It is not OMs marriage that is in question..it is Suzets integrity.