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For Suzet and 2B...Here is what you say to your husbands... I AM AN ADDICT...(first you MUST admit that to yourselves-and not be deluded into thinking that you are somehow stronger than any other addict-A BIG STEP...) then you say... I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND WANT TO PROTECT US BOTH FROM MY ADDICTION. TO GIVE US EVERY ADVANTAGE, TELLING OMW IS ONE OF THE BASES THAT WE NEED TO COVER IN THE MARITAL RECOVERY PROCESS...I HAVE COMMITED TO STAYING AWAY FROM OM, AND TELLING OMW WILL FURTHER ASSIST THIS COMMITMENT, AS IT WILL PROVIDE ADDITIONAL INSURANCE THAT OM WILL STAY AWAY FROM ME TOO...ALSO, AS PART OF MY PERSONAL RECOVERY(healing), WHICH WILL HELP TO MAKE ME A BETTER PARTNER FOR YOU, I MUST MAKE AMMENDS TO ALL OF MY VICTIMS...THIS IS A VERY CRUCIAL AND NECESSARY STEP FOR ME, AND THAT ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE. I VERY MUCH NEED YOUR SUPPORT IN DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR ME AND OUR MARRIAGE...I FEEL THAT WE WILL BE GREATLY HARMED BY NOT TAKING THIS ACTION, THEREFORE, I CANNOT ENTHUSIASTICALLY AGREE TO NOT INFORMING THE OMW...THE OMW MUST BE TOLD, WHAT METHOD OF TELLING HER DO YOU THINK IS BEST? I would very much question why my husband did not want what is best for me and our marriage... I am removing myself from this discussion. I have to say that it is no wonder that the vast majority of people not getting the need to let the other BS know what has happened are FWS themselves. If they had a clear moral compass in the first place... they would never be on this site in the first place. I understand people change and that the FWS on here are doing the best they can... but obviously there is something off in many of their thought processes. I really need to get away from this line of thinking as it is starting to become depressing.
There are exceptionally few BS out there that would be able to stomach the logic being put forth here. I just can't do it anymore. -medc ... I think you may already know this, but I am a FWS that is as equally outraged as you are by some of the thinking around here...Just wanted to let you know, that you are fast becoming one of my favorite posters...Keep it up, knowing that there are others here that agree with you... There are some days that I'm unable to decide which bothers me more, the fogged out, self-serving thinking or the over-the-top "PCness" of some whose posts scream "why can't we just all get along?"..."everybody must decide what's right for them!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />....AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Unless I'm mistaken, at the very end of Unfaithful, doesn't it show Gere and Lane pulling into a police station on a rainy night? No, it didn't.
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I
I only bring this up here because it's a situation that I think challenges our absolutes. If Connie had turned her H in for the murder, she destroys her son's family and sends her BH to prison.
I wonder how many of us in that situation would ride our "morality" to it's inevitable conclusion?
I have no idea how I would've handled that situation had I been in it. I don't think it challenges our "absolutes" at all, if there were no absolutes, there would be no issue. I think it challenges ME because I KNOW right from wrong. I absolutely know what the right action would be. I just hope and pray I could do the right thing in that situation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. I agree with you 100% on your interpretation of Connies reasons for keeping the secret. It wasn't about self preservation, but about a feeling of guilt about the affair. What a horrible movie.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Whenever I hear two people who are admant about an "easy" topic, I have to look futher:
From a quick Google of the movie:
The special edition DVD features the alternate ending where there is a different dialogue after they both kiss in the car, during the final scene. Richard Gere then steps out of the car (very emotional scene) before walking up and entering the police station. Fox & Regency wanted this ending at first (it was more Hollywood-esque, in-your-face, clearer kind of ending), but the director and the cast insisted that they put in the current ending you see on the theatrical release.
Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"
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Whenever I hear two people who are admant about an "easy" topic, I have to look futher:
From a quick Google of the movie:
The special edition DVD features the alternate ending where there is a different dialogue after they both kiss in the car, during the final scene. Richard Gere then steps out of the car (very emotional scene) before walking up and entering the police station. whew! I like that ending much better! I will have to see if mine has an alternative ending.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"No, it didn't." I'm pretty sure it did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Sing loud for the sunshine, pray hard for the rain.
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Mrs. W. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Thank you... the feeling is mutual. You provide me hope!!!! I too have enjoyed your posts and unwaivering morals.... I know there are other FWS out there that are thinking clearly after the A... it just seems that the boards have been flooded with some fogged out thinking lately! Again, thank you.
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Don't we wish all problems had an "alternate ending" where we could just back up and start from scene 2587 and "retake?"
Yeah, yeah, before you start saying, "But we ALWAYS have a choice of an alternate ending...." we can't just remove that ugly scene that really ruined a good movie.
Anyway, glad also that we could resolve one problem today.
Except....
Did I just hear Mel ADMIT to owning this movie on DVD? Say it isn't so. Maybe she's just doing research, or she was hoping for some good nudity from Richard Gere. You know they almost cast Robert Redford in that role? Guess they liked the job he did with Indecent Proposal.
Now, we've totally jacked this thread....sorry.
Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"
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There are some days that I'm unable to decide which bothers me more, the fogged out, self-serving thinking or the over-the-top "PCness" of some whose posts scream "why can't we just all get along?"..."everybody must decide what's right for them!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />....AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Mrs. W Bravo! Well spoken as usual, MrsW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Except....
Did I just hear Mel ADMIT to owning this movie on DVD? Say it isn't so. Maybe she's just doing research, or she was hoping for some good nudity from Richard Gere. hubba hubba! He is tres' cute! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I am not a big movie watcher but I caught a piece of this movie one day while flipping the channels and landed on the scene where he won't return her calls and she is in withdrawal. From what I knew about withdrawal this was very true to life, so I went out and bought the movie. The movie is VERY GOOD in that it is seems true to form in its description of an affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. I agree with you 100% on your interpretation of Connies reasons for keeping the secret. It wasn't about self preservation, but about a feeling of guilt about the affair. What a horrible movie. Of course it was a horrible movie...that's why every WS and FWS SHOULD watch it...not for punishment...but for insight.
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Nice to know that I come across as "overly PC"...I can garauntee this is the only place I've ever been accused of that up to this point!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
And again I want to stress...I completely agree with telling the OPS...had my wife's OM been married I would have done so.
So what should happen here is simple...Suzet and/or 2BN should simply go tell the OMW the whole story, and then go back to their H's and tell them that they couldn't abide by what they'd agreed on, and rely on their H's to eventually come to realize the true reasons and value behind doing this (assuming that they've already tried to explain this to their H's...). And pretty much expect their H's to 'suck it up and deal with it' until they DO reach that point.
That it in a nutshell?
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So what should happen here is simple...Suzet and/or 2BN should simply go tell the OMW the whole story, and then go back to their H's and tell them that they couldn't abide by what they'd agreed on, and rely on their H's to eventually come to realize the true reasons and value behind doing this (assuming that they've already tried to explain this to their H's...). And pretty much expect their H's to 'suck it up and deal with it' until they DO reach that point.
That it in a nutshell? yep.
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I'm still confused.
If a WS disagrees with exposure, and the BS exposes anyway, that is marriage-building..
If the BS disagrees with exposure and the WS exposes anyway, it's anti-marriage building?
Though in both cases the WS/BS really doesn't want it and might even say that the M is over if the BS/WS exposes?
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Hello Low! How have you been...
Here is an interesting thought.....
At what point does "truth" matter?
If I define truth as a piece of factual information, then falsity could almost be defined as a lack of factual information. I just saw your post, ncw. Things are going as well as they can be at this point. I am working out of country and essentially out of contact with STBXW. Actually, I think a piece of factual information is just that...a fact. Truth involves applying some kind test to a fact that yields a T or F outcome. "This item reflects light on a high frequency wavelength" is a fact. Apply a test - Is this item blue? "T or F" A false outcome does not mean a lack of facts, but only that the current facts don't fit the situation. A lack of facts can only yield an outcome of "indeterminate". Whether something is true or not depends on the tests we apply. A lot of people test facts differently, yielding different "truths".
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"No, it didn't." I'm pretty sure it did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Oh baby! I am liking this ending much better! Under "deleted scenes" there is a chapter called the "police station" where they pull up to the station and let him out. He walks up to the station while Connie sobs and the movie ends.....
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Acts 3:19
19Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord, Repent ---- turn to God. Repent---- Turn from sin. Sins-----wiped out. You know about repentance leading to restitution 2B? Or is it just enough to you saying sorry? How's your conscience going? Nicely seared now isn't it. Don't worry. It won't be troubling you for much longer.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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It is not OMs marriage that is in question..it is Suzets integrity. You've got it in a nutshell Noodle. Exactly. Integrity. Sadly in short supply.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Almost all of the folks who are castigating you for not telling were perfectly willing to continue deceiving the man in that situation.
Some posters admitted that they were in possession of this critical info, but decided that they weren't the right person to tell it or that it would only do more harm than good to tell him.
Yet these same folks are rabid advocates of sharing information that has the potential to destroy a family just as surely as sharing paternity information.
Do you see the disconnect?
It fundamentally affected the way I view their posts.
Hence... situational ethics . Loworbit: I just wanted to chime in and thank you for posting this above. HYPOCRITAL.....is what it is. "Situational Ethics"?.....absolutely. You nailed this one. I have to bite my tongue everytime I read a certain section of this board and read the "situational" ethical rationlaizations....Ughhhh. OK, rant over. Good post. Lem
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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