Now..

I agree..let me make it more clear still.

Say I sneak up behind you and cut you then run away.

You are incapacitated and not aware enough of what has happened to identify the problem.

Eventually I feel some guilt about what I have done..

[you are still bleeding by the way]

So I think about it..

[still bleeding]

I decide I must repent!

So I go into a closet and say I'm sorry.

[still bleeding]

Then move on with my life and forget about you as best I can. When I do think about you I sure do hope that someone found you and helped you..but I have decided that since I said sorry it isn't my responsiblity any longer.

Where does that leave you..and would you find my remorse credible under those circumstances?

Wow, that is pretty clear....clearly cowardice. It would be tempting to recommend to 2B not to expose since so much time has passed, but I can't help but think that perhaps the OM's W is struggling in her marriage right now, taking all sorts of abuse (emotional or otherwise), wondering what the heck she is doing wrong, wondering why her husband is distant and uninterested, thinking maybe there is something wrong with HER, because maybe he is out there carrying on with another affair since he "got away" with the first one.

Is there a statute of limitation on exposure?

Think of all the time that has passed..as time she may very well have been bleeding in ignorance and disorientation..will MORE time provide relief?

I believe not.

As much as it is hurtfull to say..when you have cut someone and left them to bleed to death..more time only makes it more likely that they will be beyond helping.

The hardest part is to admit that this is what you have done precisely.

As long as a person can hide from that..there is no end to the amount of time they can turn their back on their crime and try to self determine which consequences are allowed and which are not.

MEDC,

"Just what these boards need... another milk toast apologist!!!!"

I have absolutely no doubt that you are eloquent enough not to DJ another poster by defining them, which is within their domain, not ours.

Name calling isn't productive...Harley doesn't recommend it, that I've found, in any instance.

LA

Allow me to once again, stand up and broadcast MY stupidity, as embarassing as it is/was, for those that may not know or have forgotten.

I went for about 10 years totally ignorant and blind to my H's cheating.


2 years? YES! 4 years?? YES!! 6 years??? YES!!!!!

thanks for the advice.

What bothers me is that behind the justifications for not exposing, in many cases, is the belief that the other couple, (the OM's and their W's, or the OW's and their H's,) will not be able to work through this crisis. That somehow, the OP's marriage is not strong enough to withstand the fallout. That somehow, it is more "merciful" to allow them to live in ignorance. To me, that is a disrespectful judgement, (or maybe it is really wishful thinking!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />) The success or failure of any marriage cannot be based on ignorance. You are actually taking control of someone else's marriage by deciding what they should or shouldn't know.

NOW,

Have you ever read any Kay Arthur?

In general I like her stuff..her style drives me nutty..but I like the topics and her in depth approach.

Shocking to discover that not only does she not advocate telling even your own spouse..she suggests resuming sex with them asap!

YIKES! Betrayal heaped on top of betrayal!

Noodle

I have read some of her stuff....I can't remember now exactly what...I have the book(s) stashed somewhere.....I didn't know she believed that! I have noticed that Christians are excellent conflict-avoiders, myself included. I was brought up that way, too. I am pretty sure that there is something not quite right about the traditional Christian teaching on conflict, but can't put my finger on it. I can tell you, that you, ML, and some others, made me mighty uncomfortable (still do sometimes!) with your approah, but in my gut, you ring true.

IT Won't always rain:
Hello.

No disrespect,
[As I understand you Mean Well]
but this is where your conclusions (or your pastor's) just don't hold up for me .

First,
to Expect a WS to out themselves, in Most cases --- is just not being realistic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
{We all know the endless excuses as to why they don't .....no need to delve further on that}.

Next,
Too many "ifs" in your belief system.
VERY dangerous game to play to be making HUGE assumptions about OTHER people's lives.
But lets take a look at a couple anyways.

OK,
So
if the WS is now a FWS and HAS outed himself .........then there IS NO Detriment to having the OM's BS notified about it.
The BS will simply say "yep, already KNOW that .........leave us alone".

However,
in the MORE Likely scenario,
that the BS doesn't KNOW ........then Getting Relevant Information about her life would be VERY Helpful.

Let's start with medical reasons ......which in this day and age are VERY Very REAL!
Nuff said.

Next,
Maybe he is a serial cheat and this is all this woman needs to make a final decision.
(note: see where all the ifs and maybes get us? Now ya got me doin it .....Just too many variables to take into account).
Honestly,
The persons themselves would do a much better job with the information we Hold, then us Guessing FOR them! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Lastly,
if we think of A's, and lies and deception as an infection ..........well, if the infection goes along undetected .....there is NO possibility of Ever Treating it.
Heck, the first step in getting healing (in either situation) is to have a Proper diagnosis.
Can't Treat what we Don't Know about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Also,
Think back to the thousands of WS (FWS) on this board alone, that NEVER made any Changes in themselves or in their marriages ...... Up & Until they were "outed" and caught.
Yet,
once caught and FORCED to really LOOK <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> at what they were doing and WHO they were becoming ........Actually made some real changes in their thought patterns and Of course their Actions.

So again,
"if" (as you say) the BS already KNOWS, simply reaffirming that fact will barely be a ripple in their pond.

On the other hand,
the benefits that come with giving an unsuspecting person a TRUE diagnosis of their situation, is priceless.
Sure it will be painful ........as it is to anyone that experiences Infidelity.

But don't confuse the anguish of finding out .......to the true trauma of all the lies and deception.
That is the true enemy of any person that respects marriage and family.
Its not the message or the messenger that is the problem .....it is the selfish actions that need to be uncovered to the cleansing light of Day.
Only then can the wound begin to be cleansed and ultimately healed.

In addition,
reasonable people consider it the responsibility of ANYONE (be they the BS, FWS ) that has Learned these principles to be a Responsible enough to Inform whomever the party is that has been Left out of the Loop.

Never lose sight of the fact [that if Both infidels are married] that this situation is shaped more like a rectangle --- as there ARE 4 persons Equally effected by the infidelity.
Sadly,
its the RARE case that Both BS's Find out at the same time.

Look,
it shouldn't come down to Luck or chance that a person has a real Opportunity to Save/Heal Their marriage or make otherwise informed decisions about their Lives.

Indeed,
Are we to adopt the same selfish and ME, Me, me mentality / approach to life as Current WS's??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
That being 2 fold.
First, holding the power over someone else (cause information IS power).

Secondly [And more importantly]:
Some how buying into the flawed concept that ---
Hey, I've discovered MBers and am making strides to Improve "MY" life ......but because I was just LUCKY enough to discover it FIRST (the A) ....."well, good for me & mine ...but your ON Your OWN and YOUR SH*T out of Luck" ???
SAY WHAT!?!?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

So if YOU were caught on the Other Side of the Coin (they know, you don't) You'd STILL take this stance?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
If so, WOW ......that speaks volumes!

Why would ANY BS (or person with any understanding of MBer type principles and teachings) not want to give the gift of knowledge that they only WISH Anyone had given to them EARLIER then they found out on their own?

Unfortunately,
we ARE responsible for One another.
Our lives are very much intermingled, due to 2 persons Un defendable actions.
Most likely You blame their spouse .....they'd probably blame yours .......but its all connected.

Back to the power/information thing for a second.
You start of with a lot of "ifs" in your posts.
However,
once all the Facts are on the table, who would you Trust more to make the decisions in YOUR Personal Life?
Yourself or someone else?

I highly suspect you'd say You.

Well,
if that's the case,
why would Anyone that reads here proscribe to do what ALL WS do .......and that is make Decisions for other's without ever giving them the Chance for any input??
Guess I'll Never understand that logic (as its illogical when WS do it) sooo its STILL illogical when others take on the same Justifications due to some fear or discomfort.

Unfortunately,
the Place that I MOST read about "Never tell" --- "Don't get involved" --- and "its NONE of MY business" is over on TOW.
They ALSO believe that its ONLY the MM place to TELL his own W.
I'm not saying that to be critical ......simply to state an Observation.
{However, IMO it's just as twisted a perception there as it is here}.

For sure,
When your thinking is MORE in line with the persons dedicated to Encouraging and Supporting infidelity,
then with Those wanting to end it and Support marriage/family ......That should REALLY give you pause and perhaps get you to re-examine your position.

Just as we are Not children ......neither is the Other BS.
Given the relevant information .....they TOO can make the correct decisions for THEIR Lives.
Who are we to take that choice away from them?
Or anyone to take it away from Us for that matter.

I resent any and all that did it too me.

Why is it such a stretch to Put myself in the others persons shoes and DO FOR them, Only that which I WISH someone had done for ME?

Remember,
Once given all the facts ........the "ifs" just go away on their own.
They do.
Then its just Life.
But a life based in Reality .......not the fantasies and other manipulations of some WS bent on making life all about their own selfish needs.

[Sorry got a bit long ......just kept coming out]. Happens sometimes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
Think of it this way ....the more words I type ....the more others have to dissect and attack. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Again, there are two ways to say things. One is meant to assist the other person in resolving the issue or to better understanding of the problem.

Example: Mel COULD have said:

"2BN, OMW was harmed when you and OM had the affair."

Instead, Mel says things like:

"The OMW was harmed when you pulled your panties off and rutted like a pig with her husband!"

See the difference? There's no intent to help...or at least it surely doesn't do anything to assist the poster...instead, it's deliberately phrased to antagonize and hurt the other poster.

I don't think that 2BN is the only poster here who's got a lot to learn...I think Mel could stand to let go of a lot of her OWN anger without taking it out on others.

Armchair psychiatry is over for today. Have fun ya'll.

IMHO, If 2B was really comfortable with her decision, she would not have posted it here and on a 'christian' forum. She would have just not told and gone on with life.

Instead, every time anything remotely comparable is brought up we go through this again.

If she doesn't want to tell she is the one that has to live with that.

However, maybe after all this time she would realize she is not going to have her optinion validated here and she is not going to change the minds of the people who believe the OMW has a right to know.

If she doesn't want to be told to reveal, then maybe she should stop brining it up.

Yeah...but then how would I get my "cat fight" fix????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (j/k)

Intriguing, from a man's perspective....not so much on the topic and the opinions....but as to the different WAYS women tried to convey thier opinions about the topics.

Actually MF, I have remained QUIET about this since March. I only came on this thread to offer encouragement to Suzet and was immediately blasted. I didn't come on this thread for advice at all, but yet felt I had to defend a decision my H and I made long ago.

What part of Scripture does this come from?? First Fleshalonians??

ML is right on!! Repentence looks a whole lot different than this. It is sorrow, it is turning from your evil ways, AND it is making amends. Anything short of those three things is NOT Biblical repentence!!

In His arms.

Noodle posted:[quote[Every single person I have posted to or read about who has discoverred the A YEARS after..EVERY SINGLE ONE..counts every minute of those years a waste and a lie..sometimes they look back at their whole lives together as a lie.

It stains every tender moment, every holiday, every child born under that lie. Twists and perverts every moment, decision, conversation..you name it.

I cannot even describe the misery I have observed from those who have had their choices taken away from them..and years of their lives lost.[/b]

That is absolutely the TRUTH! My FWH finally admitted to a one-night stand 13 years after the fact...13 years of verbal abuse, hateful behavior and extremely disrespectful behavior toward me. Chances are that the OMW in 2BNormal's case is also in this same situation, and possibly agonizing over what she could possibly have done to deserve this treatment.

2BNormal, I didn't realize that your H is a minister. I'm sure he is very sincere in his faith, but perhaps he should examine his own motives in not wanting to tell the OMW. I'm sure that one of his concerns may be that the OMW will tell others about your affair with her H, and that word of the affair will get back to the members of his congregation. Could it be that he fears his wife being a topic of scandal and perhaps losing the respect that he now enjoys? Could he be more concerned over the possibility of his own embarrassment?

For Biblical reference, read Matthew 5:21-24.

2bNormal, you have a BUNCH of BS telling you that you will not be hurting the OMW by telling her the truth that she deserves. Most of the ones agreeing with you appear to be either WS or FWS, who quite naturally don't want their dirty little secrets to be exposed, either.

You and your H should do the right thing and inform the OMW, NOW!

LC

To clarify, NO he is NOT a MINISTER. If you read my post, I stated he is in a MINISTRY POSITION at our church.

2B,

I am in the largest marriage problems group on yahoo.

We did a survey about this. Only one BS said they wish they could have stayed in ignorance. They have since changed their mind.

I was in ignorance for 18 years and suffered so much like the other BS here thinking it was me. Going to therapy for years trying to be a better wife a better person.

This is not your husband's decision, it is not yours, it is the Lord's.

To receive forgiveness we have to repent and that includes showing contrition by telling the truth to those affected.

OMW was and still is affected. I do not know how you will come to terms with telling her, but I sense you will eventually.

You have gone to God and asked for forgiveness, so you obviously have a renewed faith, but faith without works is dead. So find a way to do the works. Find a way and the Lord will carry you through it and any of the tribulations that result from it.

God Bless you and your husband and inspire you both to bless the OMW with the truth.

SP

For those that know my story...I found out about my W's PA (1998) after our divorce, I found out what an EA was after D-day of that PA (6/04) when we decided to try and reconcile...which was made even harder by attempting a recovery..which was when I eventually found MB...I came to boards about 3 months later..I sure wish I knew why I went through all I did....

It is my opinion that every spouse has the right to know, the only person who knew was my FWW's best friend, who told me of rumors after our D. There were no rumors, she KNEW and did not tell me...she had other motives...her decisions cost her two friends....me because she did not tell me right away and FWW for her "other motives".....

I felt as if half my marriage was a joke because of what she did....sad thing was everyone EXPECTED that it would be me who was the infidel....

Anyone who does not tell the OBS is in my opinion still a WS. Until EVERY stone is turned over and the nature of the A is exposed to the light of day to all agreived parties, there is an active betrayal and that is what allows A's to survive.
I am sorry if that offends some.. but it is my opinion that true healing and recovery cannot begin until these "cost of admission" items are handled.