I have been gone a while...and I see that some things don't change. Excellent post!

Lem

Thank you to all who offered advice to my situation. I have spent much time over this weekend in prayer and thought to all that was said.

We are to make direct amends to people we have harmed wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

My husband and I have thoroughly discussed and prayed about this situation. With using great discernment, we believe that exposing to the OM1'sW would cause harm to our family and potentially the OM1'sW. (for those that do not know, the PA of this A has been over for almost 3 years. The online part of the EA ended 2 years ago)

As I stated in an earlier post:

I can make amends in part, by no longer participating in behavior that caused this harm. [The part that says "except when to do so would injure them or others" also includes ourselves in the "others" and also includes my family]

I have made amends with all such people in which I would not cause harm to. I have made amends with my husband, I have made amends with OM2's W, and I have repented to God and have agreed with God that I was in sin and I have changed my heart and my actions to reflect that. I have chosen to be accountable to my H and to reveal any contact that I should ever receive from either OM. I have proven my trustworthiness in this by not responding to the OM1 when he attempted to contact me, and by immediately informing my husband.


I very much LOVE my husband for doing what is BEST for me and our marriage and LOVING me enough to make this decision that would not cause further harm to anyone. I fully trust my husband's decision in this to protect our family from any potential harm and to not cause any potential harm to the OM1'sW. I fully trust my husband's decision as the best decision for the continued recovery of our marriage. My husband makes many decisions that involves great discernment through his ministry position at our church, and I believe God has very much gifted him in this area. Many people look up to him with great respect and seek his counsel. The "fruit" of his choices and actions and decisions he makes through his position is greatly respected by all who know him. I continue to choose to stand by his decision.

Again, thank you all for allowing me to further examine this. I will not be discussing "my situation" any further on this thread. I will continue to pray for Suzet and her H as they continue in their decision for what is best for the recovery of their marriage.

God Bless,
2BN

So now we are trotting out AA steps since nothing else has worked? A new day, a new rationalization! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But, you don't need our approval, 2Bnormal. You don't need to convince us, so these never ending rationalizations are completely unnecessary. The only person you shortchange in your refusal to make amends is the lady in the mirror. As a member of AA, I will just tell you from personal experience that making TRUE AMENDS is an indescribably freeing experience that will change your life and facilitate your TRUE recovery if you will stop fighting it. Fighting it is so much harder than just doing it!

Making amends to your victim will remove a DARK SPOT from your soul. Is it easy? No, it's not. It is not always easy to do the right thing. But it is RIGHT. And it will bring you in alignment with God to truly repent. The rewards are unspeakably wonderful: it is like a BATH FOR THE SOUL!

True repentance means making amends to your victims. Don't be like the bank robber who imagines he is forgiven even when he refuses to give the goods back to his victim and turn himself in. ["hey, I just said a little prayer asking for forgiveness and I was good to go!"] The only person fooled by little ploy is the bankrobber. You have NOT "turned away" from your crime when you continue to lie to cover up your deeds. You only compound the crime. Truth is the solution to infidelity, not more secrecy.

I am honestly flabbergasted at the length to which you will go to avoid doing the right thing. Your campaign to rationalize not confessing to your victim is almost pathological. We have watched your amazing gymnastics since MARCH. If you spent one fraction of your time doing the right thing, instead of striving so hard to AVOID IT, you probably could have changed the world by now.

First you tried to hide behind Dr. Harley by twisting his words. Then you tried to hide behind POJA. When that didn't work for you, you very selectively cherry picked some verses out of the Bible.

Others quickly shot holes in that little ploy, so now you are onto a NEW one! You are now reduced to cherry picking Alcoholics Anonymous steps! As a 21 yr member of AA, I PROMISE you we don't use that qualifier in Step 9 to avoid doing the right thing as you are doing here. That bullcrap would not fly.

AA Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

You know and we know that you would not be "harming" the OMW or your H in confessing your dirty deeds. The OMW was harmed when you pulled your panties off and got it on with her husband. The TRUTH is the solution to infidelity, 2BNormal, not more secrecy. So, don't insult our intelligence by telling us it would "hurt" her to know. This is the last place you should expect to fool anyone with that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Give it up, 2B, you only shortchange yourself with all these machinations.

Some have been here for awhile .......yet could Learn a THing or 2 from a relative newbie by the name of Katie Mae!

Just ask her.
Doing Right,
usually ISN'T the route that is Most Comfortable.

Katie Mae has some serious BALLS and a kind, caring heart! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And I received the expected reply. Again, thank you all for allowing me to further examine this.


No, I do not. And I am so glad you think you know what is best for my marriage.

I will not be discussing "my situation" any further on this thread.

2B, I am so sorry you are being treated so disrespectfully
for just stating what you and your husband's have decided to do concerning this issue of telling OM's wife after years have passed.

On this MB forum, we are suppose to be able to express differing opinions and ways of recovering our marriages without being 'potty mouthed'.

This same question about telling OM's wife (after several years had passed) was asked on a Christian forum.

All replies were: Do not tell; quite a contrast to this secular forum.

This post explained it best. The advice was given to this lady by her pastor.:

"Since you do not know what has resulted between the other man and his wife, and whether or not he has repented or has continued his behavior, to bring it up now could be devastating to their relationship. Since you are really not friends with the OM's wife, you should just leave it alone. If the OM does not confess to his wife, it is on his head.

Your only concern right now is your relationship with your husband. Concentrate on that and realize that the OM is an adult that has his own repentance and consequences to deal with. But never contact the OM again to discuss anything. Leave the past where it is, work on the future with your husband.

And I praise God that you and your husband are able to work through this difficult situation. It sounds like you two are working together on restoration. Keep up the good work.

You do not need to tell this woman anything."

So Rude! And unnecessary.
Doesn't really help anything does it?
Unbelievable.
Utter disrespect for another human being in that whole post.

Thank you SURVIVOR, that is EXACTLY what I was
referring to about DISRESPECT in my post above yours!

UNBELIEVEABLE that she would use such disrespectful language!

IWRA, I was quite restrained and respectful in my reply if I do say so myself. There was nothing "potty mouthed" about it. I will tell you who is being "treated disrespectfully" here. It is the WIFE of the man who 2Bnormal jumped into bed with.

That being said, do you think that anyone with a decent, moral mind should "respect" such a disrespectful stance as 2BNormal has taken here? She knows she is in the wrong, or she wouldn't be endlessly grasping for the most harebrained rationalizations. Now, she is reduced to scrutinizing Alcoholics Anonymous steps looking for potential loopholes. Sorry, but I just don't "respect" that at all.

And what kind of a "friend" would encourage her to avoid the steps needed to truly repent? I am not surprised, though, because you are also a wayward wife yourself. Shame on any pastor who would wrongfully encourage her in such a dereliction of duty. True repentence requires making amends to one's victim by confessing their sin.

2BNormal has every opportunity to make that right by making amends to this woman, as a truly repentent Christian would, but she refuses. She does not care one whit about her victim as she has made it clear that her only concern is HERSELF AND HER MARRIAGE. To heck with her victim and her marriage. Anything that does not benefit her own situation does not interest her. Never once on this thread have I seen her express true remorse for her victim; it's all about her. Because in her mind, that is "someone else's problem."

Isn't it "rude and disrespectful" to pull your panties down and get it on with some other woman's HUSBAND? Of course we should have disrespect for that! THAT is unbelievable! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

[hey, at least I didn't say "RUT LIKE A PIG!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />]

Don't stroke out on me, girls! Let me change that statement lest you girls get worked up in a lather:

"The OMW was harmed when you pulled your panties off and rutted like a pig with her husband!"

Is that better, girls? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Melody Lane, you may have 17,693 posts verus my few
but YOU SHOULD BE BANNED FROM POSTING ON THIS FORUM
with disrespectful posts such as above.

What is wrong with you this evening?
Something MUST BE WRONG for you to write such cruel posts.

2BNormal is a FORMER WW, 2 plus years down the recovery road.
WHY DO YOU TREAT HER SO DISRESPECTFULLY?

What in the world is wrong with you that you would be morally outraged at the WORDS used to describe her ACT and not the ACT itself? Please cut the PHONY "moral outrage."

No one here is required to use cute words to describe a despicable, filthy act, IWRA. If you feel you can get me banned for accurately describing what she did, then I would invite you to email the moderator.

This is a marriage building forum. It is designed to discuss Marriage Builders principles.

Potty mouthed?



Where is the dirty word in this statement..."panties", "got it on"???

The truth IS ugly, isn't it? Affairs are ugly.

So you think its "CRUEL" to point out that someone slept with a married man, which is TRUE, but somehow NOT CRUEL to sleep with another woman's husband and then refuse to admit it to the man's wife? Are you really that twisted in your thinking?

MY GOD, what has happened to your mind? Honestly. Do you not see something terribly wrong with that line of thinking?

"potty behavior" sometimes invites "potty mouth" along for the ride ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

what do you want to call the act of having sex with another person's spouse?

..... consensual amoral rutting .....

or ummmmmmmm


..... bootleg fornication .....

or.... lemme think .....

.... booty burglary .....

..... nookey looting ....

here's a good one .....

..... raping a marriage bed .....

my point is .... no matter what we call it ... it is U G L Y

Pep

I thought I would add some ideas for this. How about these fine phrases???

For the Jerry Mcguire fan… Shoplifting the pooty?

For the Anti American… Genital Terrorism?

For the Lawyer… Removal of the briefs?

For the Doctor… Giving the secret injection?

For the Fitness Expert… Eating at the Y?

For the Thug… Hit it and quit it?

For the Agro-American… Playing spank the Farmer??

For the Wiley E Coyote Fan… Fornicatus on the Downus Lowticus?


I could think of more I suppose. All really pretty…for sure. Not.

The "dark spot" was removed when I repented to God, agreed with Him that I was in sin and changed my heart and actions. My sins were washed away and God will never slam them in my face over and over again as some love to do over and over on this board with such "choice and hurtful words" and utter disrespect.

2Bnormal,

in my humble opinion it's not God who judges.
God's love is always there, no matter what we do or don't.
But we know when we are not loving, when we are not compassionate, but looking after our own selfish needs.
We know - a little voice tells us.
The voice of our conscience, that carefully weighs our actions against this example of total and unconditional love.
At the end of our life we will stand before our own judge, our own conscience.
So we have to be careful about our choices.