Yes, God forgives. When we REPENT. A changed heart is evidenced by the fruit it produces. And when you show no compassion to your victim and refuse to make amends for what you have done, everyone can see your "fruit." Climbing into bed with another woman's husband and refusing to make amends to her is what is incredibly "discrespectful," and leaves a dark spot on your soul.

And it is your right to judge my repentence? You know me personally and what I have prayed and spoken to God about?

The fact that what you would say is true (or think is true) does not necessarily make it right to say. Often Satan's accusations are true; he is an expert at being a judge. He is even called "the accuser of our brothers" (Rev. 12:10). You may be pointing your finger and speaking words of truth, but you may unwittingly be an instrument of the devil as you speak.

It's alright, 2BNormal, you don't have to justify yourself to me. We both know that one must make amends to their victim to be forgiven.

The fog induced, conflict avoiding, cowardly, consequence avoidant, A supportive drivel that has spewed forth on this thread turns my stomach.

Are we all looking at the same creature here?

The thing I’m looking at is so heinously ugly, so sordid and despicable, that to harm a partner to a higher degree you would have to pull a pistol out and shoot them in the head or murder one of their children.

Now, in that scope I dare anyone to defend exposure to parties directly related to the A. That would be the S or the OPS. They both need to know everything.

Go over to recovery and read about people that have discovered these events 10 or 20 years AFTER they had concluded and witness the utter decimation of character that they have experienced and then tell me that something that significant shouldn’t be brought to bare in the crosshairs of honesty.

Ask anyone that is a FBS if they would rather not have ever come to know the truth and continued living a lie for the rest of their lives; burning up the pages of their story that can only be written once.

Plank.

You are correct.

I know He Rescued my soul
His Blood covered my sin
I believe I believe
My shame He's taken away
My pain is healed in His name
I believe I believe

Pastor advice from a different forum:

Your only concern right now is your relationship with your husband. Concentrate on that and realize that the OM is an adult that has his own repentance and consequences to deal with. But never contact the OM again to discuss anything. Leave the past where it is, work on the future with your husband.

2B,
You are thinking and acting in such a disrespectful way here yet you have shifted the focus of that disrespect to the ones that have pointed out how hurtful your actions continue to be. Read Plank's post and think about how much of an insult to the OBS your rationalizations are.
Please reconsider your actions and if you can't... please stop discussing your willingness to leave the poor woman that you assaulted dazed and bleeding. Your appraoch is exceptionally distasteful to many BS that have suffered far too long because of the failure of someone to step up and make a difference. Until you right this wrong, you are that someone.
MEDC

Just what these boards need... another milk toast apologist!!!!

Actually..

There are quite a lot of *pastors* who advocate and teach to NEVER tell ANYONE including your own BS.

For just those same reasons.

Personally, if I am lying in a puddle of my own blood in a ditch..I'd sure like to know how I got there and what help might be available to me.

I can name at least one prominent womens bible study [cough kay arthur cough] writer who also advocates this approach.

WSs who want to find support in the christian forum for not exposing will not have to look far.

So then agree to disagree. I made my statement based on what my husband & I have agreed upon. No one needs to judge the decision we made. You don't need to worry about me and the actions you all think I need to make.

Please understand that this is not the time to consider it "barging" into someone's life. That has already been done.



NOT to bring it up IS what it devastating to their marriage and the OP. Do you really expect anyone to believe that these Exposure Cowards here are doing it out of a desire to PROTECT another marriage???

I suggest it is out of a desire to protect themselves from taking responsibility for their actions and making amends to their victims.

ItWon’tRianAlways,

[color:"blue"] Plank, sure it would be best if the OP's spouse knows of the
affair but is that the responsibility of the FWS?[/color]

If it’s been years? My experience in this world is that the BS will emotionally flush the years between the A and DDay down the toilet on many occasions.

Let me ask you a question. Would you be more injured if it was 2 months or 20 years of flushing that was to occur?

I for one would want to know. I would want to know why everything was “my fault” and how I was demonized for months or years during their A. I would WANT to know what part I really had in our M. I would want to know what my life’s story really was about.

Justifying not telling someone that you committed an atrocity against them even years down the road isn’t fair to them IMO. Actually that’s a classic enabling attitude that a lot of passive aggressive people use to cope with conflict and get what they want out of life at everyone else’s expense.

The damage is not complete yet IWRA. The damage only stops to compound after exposure. That is my belief after reading thousands of stories and watching all the plays unfold about A. That’s based upon reading human emotion on these pages and my own life’s experiences and what I know is right.

Plank.

So what? They would say, "thank you, I already know." No harm done. I don't GET THIS rationalization, it doesn't even make sense.


Wonderful, a pastor who advocates deceit and secrecy and an appalling LACK OF EMPATHY and compassion for 2BNormals' victim. In direct CONTRADICTION with the Bible.

2bnormal,

Explaining likely effect from cause is not judgement.

It's predication based upon experience.

Well, yes we can judge the decision you and your H made. It was a callous, selfish, heartless decision that shows absolutely no compassion for your victim. We are not worried about YOU, but about your victim.

Remember her?

I don't understand exactly how exposure qualifies as making amends. Exposure brings to light a wrong that was done, but it doesn't correct it (though it would help in the case of an ongoing, active affair)
The way I see it, the only way to "make amends" as a FWS is to stop the affair behavior. Telling a BS about that affair is fair and right, because they need to know what they are dealing with. But that alone isn't enough to make amends, IMO.
Honestly, I sincerely doubt that, as a FWS, I could ever really make amends with the OM's W. The fact that she knows makes me realize that I desperatley need God's forgiveness. If it were up to the OM's W to decide whether or not I deserved forgiveness, I'd be in ****** right now.

Agree plank.

Every single person I have posted to or read about who has discoverred the A YEARS after..EVERY SINGLE ONE..counts every minute of those years a waste and a lie..sometimes they look back at their whole lives together as a lie.

It stains every tender moment, every holiday, every child born under that lie. Twists and perverts every moment, decision, conversation..you name it.

I cannot even describe the misery I have observed from those who have had their choices taken away from them..and years of their lives lost.

So please do not insult those men and women with the notion that you protect their marriages by protecting yourself.

The WS is not a child and it can not all just go away because they changed their mind.

Real people and real lives have been affected and INFECTED with the fallout of the affair.

Refusal to step up and take responsibility is pure undiluted cowardice.

I quite agree. Let's stick to that, please, and stop throwing things at each other <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />.

The best way to make amends to someone you have harmed is to CONFESS what you have done to your victim. Whether they forgive you or not is irrelevant. But repentance is necessary to recieve God's forgiveness. To not tell them is to compound the crime by adding DECEIT, and shows an incredible lack of compassion and emphathy.

When the bank robber robs the bank, it is not enough for him to just stop robbing banks, he has to confess his crime and return the money. That is what true repentance looks like.

I agree in a way, that you can't really make amends to someone unless they KNOW about the crime. Repentance does require an admission of guilt accompanied by a change of heart and behavior, and the Bible does say we need to confess our sins to each other, and forgive each other....Yes, I see what you're saying now.