I know I am wrong and I need your help. Here is a condensed version of my situation. I have been married to DH for 17 years and we have 3 beautiful children. My DH has had a problem with pornography for at least the last 10 years. I have caught him several times and each time he has begged forgiveness and promised that it would never happen again. I caught him this past October and really tried to help him with the problem. I poured my heart out in a letter and thoroughly explained how much it hurt me and the emotional damage that it was causing me. He swore that was the last time and yada yada yada....I forgave him and we continued on. Well in January I met this guy (a friend of a friend) and I swear when I looked at him the first time there were sparks flying. I have honestly never felt that before with anyone (at least not so instantaneously). I made up my mind that I would avoid this person and remain faithful to my marriage and family and I did. UNTIL...April...when I once again caught my husband involved in internet pornography. At this point I was devastated and began confiding in this other man (which I know was the wrong thing to do). But...if my husband didn't appreciate me then I wanted someone else to appreciate me. It honestly felt so good to be desired in that way again. And, probably the biggest reason was that I wanted my husband to feel the hurt that I had been feeling each time I caught him involved with pornography and to hurt him twice as bad as he had hurt me. The affair with the OM (whom is married w/ 2 kids) has become physical at this point. In the meantime, my husband has sought counseling for the addiction and swears it won't happen again. I am so confused and depressed right now I don't know what to do. I am finding myself with feelings for this OM and I know that I really need to end the affair. Even if things don't work out with my marriage....I know they have no future with the OM either. That is not what I want. Each time I tell myself that I am going to end the A I get extremely depressed and just can't do it. I told the OM that I was ending it about 2 weeks ago and it lasted for 2 days, then we were back on again. Right now I am so depressed about my marriage that I can't add to that the depression that comes with ending the A. Please don't judge me....I know I am wrong...and I am reaching out to you all for help. Thanks for listening. I feel a little better just getting this out in the open.

Welcome brownie -

You've already figured out that fighting one problem by creating another isn't the answer. You just get two problems.

Your H's problem may be the tougher to fix. So fix yours right now.

Bite the bullet and end the affair. Inform both your H and the OM's wife that you're coming clean to enable both marriages to heal. No parallelism.

There are many former wayward spouses (FWS) here that you can learn from and all of us to lean on assuming you remain humble and sincere.

First step - decide right now that continuing the affair is lunacy.

Brown-

You are correct, even if things don't work out with *your* marriage, HE is also married, so you need to break it off.

You could start by letting your husband know what's going on, and then writing a No Contact letter to the OM. (You also want to make sure OMW knows).

Others will be along with better advice, just wanted you to know someone was listening.

God Bless,

-Caren

Browneye,

Glad you are here! Yes, you have to break this off immediately, if you need a list of reasons I am sure that we could help you think of 100s.

Try to see that this is about who you are and not what your husband is or has been doing. You don't want to be this person. Have you ever had to quit something cold turkey? Use those same tools. If you want to call OM, have three people that you call first. Stay away from OM's side of town. Where do you know him from, change whatever you have to to avoid contact.

Look at this like quitting smoking or drinking. Then, you can deal with the why's and what to do now.

I am a former wayward, so I tend to be a little harsh on myself. I would just look in the mirror and remember that I was not raised to be a wh0re like that. You are messsing with 5 kids lives, don't be that person.

Do you feel it is important to tell the OM's wife? This probably sounds crazy, but we (me and the OM) made a pact that no matter how this affair ended we would not do anything to destroy the other's family. I guess kinda ironic since in reality our entire A was doing nothing but destroying each other's family. But...I really don't want to tell is wife if it is not necessary. Also, how much do I tell my H?? Do I tell him exactly who this OM is?? Do I tell him that we have been physical?? Please help....I have cried as I read each of your replies...the compassion you are showing me is exactly what I needed at this time.

Here's some more compassion - for the others who don't know anything > yes, you have to tell them.

Show them the compassion we're showing you.

It won't look or feel like compassion at first, but it is.

The truth will set you free.

WAT

How do you suggest that I tell her?? Should I call her?? Mail her a letter?? Meet her in person somewhere?? Do I tell the OM first and give him the opportunity to tell his wife first?? Should I tell my H before I contact her?? I am so confused...but desperately want this to end. Oh how I wish I could fast forward my life for about 6 months and just be done with this mess I have created.

Absolutely NOT this!

OK, brownie, I suggest you decide - right now - that you will never have a conversation with OM again. None, nada, zilch, zip, zero.

He is the enemy of your family and of your integrity.

Listen to the suggestions of others, but I suggest you contact his wife first or simultaneously with him via a "no contact" letter.

This is a short, to the point letter, that states your recognition of the huge mistake having an affair with OM was and also states your devotion now to your marriage and family. Apologize to OM's wife for your role in her husband's affair and specify that it's your intention to permanently sever all contact with OM. Ideally, your H approves this letter and mails it.

The important aspect of NOT telling OM first is that he'll then have a chance to soft peddle or outright lie about what's coming to his wife. He'll go into full bore damage control to "protect" himself.

Do you know that your H could successfully deliver a NC letter to his wife? i.e., is she a stay at home Mom who gets the mail first?

Yes, this is all messy and ugly. You can't clean up a muddy mess without getting muddy in the process.

WAT

I don't usually post to "help" people, not yet anyway due to the fact that I'm VERY early into recovery myself, and still "need" more help than I am able to give. I am a month and 2 days into NC and recovering my marriage with my W. However, I thought maybe because you're so early into it like me, I might be able to help a little.

The first thing I think you should do is tell the OM it is over, you can no longer continue on this way hurting your children and your H. Then you need to tell your H everything. At first just let him know what it is you have been doing. With time all of the details must come out.

If you are willing to take some advice, let me say this. When you tell the OM it is the end, make it really be the end. NC, period. I made it so much harder for my W, for me, for everyone involved by continuing to sneak around after the A was out in the open. Our D-Day way 2-26-06. 2-28-06 The OW and I started our first of many many many NC attempts. Each time my wife would find out a week, a month or so later that I had just continued to lie. Each time I caused her more and more pain by lying to her about the A being over. It took me until 6-6-06 to actually accomplish true NC, where I finally know that this is the end of the A and the actual start of the recovery of our marriage.

That being said I know how hard it is to end. I sat in my car by the railroad tracks with a drywall saw to my wrist with tears streaming down my face ready to end it all because of the depression and the feeling of being torn in two. Not knowing what to do. It's called being in "the fog" and going through withdrawal like being a crack addict, or an alcoholic. It fades with time and it does get better!! It really does! But, the longer you let the A deepen the harder it will be to let it go.

My wife and I started reading "Surviving an Affair" together and embraced ALL of the recommendations in that book. I highly suggest reading it, the first thing you're going to find out is (and it's quite a slap in the face) your A is not unique at all. It's just like the other million A's going on right this second. The other most helpful thing we found in that book is the theory of "Radical Honesty" this is one thing you and your H have to fully embrace to make it through this.

I hope this has helped you some... it's not easy, it really isn't, BUT you CAN make it through this, and you CAN put your marriage back together again.

Do a post search on my name, I have gotten some of the best advice on coping with withdrawal, NC and dealing with the fog from a person named KariJean, she has helped my W and I more than I can say. I also have quite a few posts out there dealing with my previous addiction to porn that may be helpful to your H once he begins to recover from this bombshell he's about to get hit with.

I'll keep an eye out for your progress, if there is anything else I can help you with, please don't hesitate to ask!!

Tell your H the truth first. Then, write a no contact letter to the OM and have your husband read it and send it. Your H should probably be the one to talk to OMW's. Do not talk to OM about talking to his wife, he'll just spin some lies and she will still not know the truth.

First things first, talk to your BH. Ask him for his help to end this mess. You could, theoretically, end this affair without confessing to your H. But then, your marriage will have all these lies and guilt and shame built into it. The problems in your marriage will never get fixed and you will never be able to be honest about your feelings and you will probably do it again in the future.

Just keep telling yourself, it is not love or soulmates or any of that crap with OM. It is a mental disorder, and addiction, an unhealthy diversion to the real issues in your life. Same as a drug problem, gambling problem, all that stuff that keeps us from thinking about what is really going on inside us.

I am a smoker, I have quit many times. I only successfully stop (temporarily) when I make a public announcement that I am going to quit. When I try to quit 'on the sly', I know that I am not telling people because I am not serious about quitting and I don't want to be seen as a failure. But when I tell everyone that I have put them down again, I have that support and peer pressure to not light up again.

This is what is known as marital sadism ...



we've all committed marital sadism one way or another ... it is unusual that someone so new to MB would admit it !

your marital sadism .... has hurt others as well



YOU are enemy to this wife and her children

how do you reconcile that?

Pep

A necessary modification to mark's recommendation - do not "tell" OM anything.

Resolve right now to never speak to him again, OK? This is why it's a no contact "letter". All too often WSs set out to beak it off with their affair accomplice face-to-face only to end up in the sack.

JMHO

WAT

I suggest you call her:

My name is Brown Eyes

I regret I have something to confess.
My marriage was falling apart and I went outside my marriage for comfort. Unfortunately, I chose to have an affair with your husband. I regret this. I ended the affair. I humbly apologize. I am trying to save my own marriage. I will never contact your husband ever again. If he tries to contact me, I will call you to let you know, unless you ask me not to.

I would have to agree there. You are right worthatry, that is defiantely the best plan. Had I followed that advice, maybe there would have only been one NC, instead of all the others.

ok...I made it through the day (well it is 4pm right now) without contacting the OM. That is probably the hardest part of the day for me. I tried to tell my husband but just couldn't get up the courage. I invited him to go for a ride with me and we left the boys for about 2 hours and just drove and looked at the scenery. Not much was said...but it is a starting point on my focusing back on him instead of the OM. I did ask my husband to go out to dinner tonight..just the two of us...but I am not sure that I will tell him today. I still need to get some thoughts into my head before I drop this bomb of a mess I have created. Please pray for me that God will give me the courage to confess to my husband the wife of the OM.

The longer you wait the more it's going to mess with YOUR head which will make it harder to tell, which will make you wait longer, which will mess with your head, which will make it harder to tell...

Do you get what I'm sayin?

You are only torturing yourself with the unknown...

- Kimmy

The BIGGEST asset you have is your husband! You want to end this thing with the OM? You want to get over these feelings (read up on here about how affairs are like addictions...you, my dear, are addicted to the OM!)? You want to be able to get past this and feel better and have a healthy marriage?

Then you had best tell your husband SOON! If he finds out on his own, it will be twice as bad!! But you telling him gives your marriage the best chance of surviving. So does telling the OM's wife.

Sure, you are going to hurt your husband. But you have already done that. He just gets to find out what you have already done! In many ways, BSs already know before you tell them. They know something isnt right. They just dont know what it is.

If you have any love or respect for your husband, you will tell him right away. And then, stand by him. He will be hurt, angry, depressed. Send him here so we can talk to him. Dont justift anythig to him...what you did is your fault. Period. Not because of his pornography. Sure, you have issues to deal with that he helped cause that led up to the adultery. But the adultery decision is entirely yours. Own it. Dont put it on him.

You can get past this. You can have a great marriage. But right now, the first step is honesty. And then stand by your man as he goes thru the He!! he will go thru. You will too. You will have withdrawals from the OM. You will want to quit at times. But you can make it thru this.

Many FWWs on here. They will be on here soon to help you. But first thing is first. Regain your integrity and honor by telling your husband, by sending a NC letter to the OM and by telling the OM's wife.

Today.

In His arms.

Perhaps this will help:
Stilltogether's advice on how to tell spouse

I hope you don't mind if I pray for you.

SS

Boy, do I feel your pain. Our stories sound very similar, except in my case, the OM finally ended it, and there is no doubt he isn't changing his mind. I guess I should be thankful for that. My H has also struggled with internet porn. I don't think he has ever really understood that it is just as painful as a "real woman" for me. As lonely as I feel right now, and as hard as it is to know I really have no human place to trun that loneliness right now, I am at least free from the constant guilt of repeatedly "doing it again," even if it wasn't completely by choice! I don't know you, but I will be praying for your, that you can make it past that awful withdrawal period and really stay away from the OM. It is incredibly hard to do, I know. I really don't have any advice, but your post just really struck a chord with me, and I want you to know that a stranger from the south has just prayed for you.

Nursedana,

How you do this is you just tell your H.

You will not be able to concoct the “perfect situation” to tell him about your adultery. Just make sure he is sitting down, display compassion and empathy, then you tell him.

While you are doing this demonstrate sincerity in your future commitment to your M.

Do not blame your H for what you did. You own that entirely.

As other posters have described, he deserves to know, and the most compassionate way that he can find out about this is for you to assume a leadership role in your M and tell him.

Believe me, if he finds out the way that I did through chance happening it will be worse. You have an opportunity to help your H understand that you CHOOSE him.

Then ask your H for support in implementing final and complete NC and writing that NC letter to OM.

Hope this helps,
Plank.