I am in an odd sitch, and now faced with another odd sitch. Now divorced since the end of March - we all still live in the same house. I believe that it is best for my kids for us to be together for as long as possible. (there is no yelling, or open animocity) I did make it known, however, that I was not interested in the living arrangements if xw began dating.

I have detected that she is now entering into another EA, and this morning DS came into the room and began talking about how "mommy's friend" is coming over today and might play some video games with him. (and has been over a couple of other times)

After he left the room, I could hear xw explaining to DS that the "friend" is coming over to look at a car she just bought, to check it out so she can take it back if it has issues. (meanwhile I am being garnished $1000 a month for some of her dental work...)

This is not the first visit by a male friend to our house. I am logging these events, as I think it will be useful when custody issues come around (the judge has decided to wait until we decide to de-cohabit to rule on custody and all of the other stuff, except to say that for now, my money is mine, and hers is hers).

I need to tell her that male friends coming over is not OK, but I also appreciate the ammunition for the eventual custody litigation.

I did not speak to her before I left the house, I just said "bye" to DS.

I am considering a certified letter explaining my desire that she not have male friends over, but I want your take on it. I am also thinking about calling her before om arrives. I detest the example she is providing for our 3 children.

Anyone with experience, or thoughts?

far

Technically if you are divorced it is not an EA. Your W cannot have an A now if you are officially divorced.

This just sounds like an odd arrangement to me. You are no longer married but you don`t want your W to find someone new. What about you? Are you going to have to remain alone too as part of the deal?

What was the point of the D if you are still living together and the conditions are that neither of you can move forward and make a new life?

I don`t understand this.

This situation you are describing must be very confusing for your children.

why? their lives will be disrupted whether your XW move out now,next week, next year, or 5 yeras from now. Children learn relationship skills from their parents. right now your children are learning that it is ok for a couple to get married, live together, and have other "friends" come over to the house. Is taht really the message you want to teach them? Wouldn't you prefer to teach them that marriage for 1 man and 1 woman, and that they should settle for nothing less?

your children have been through so much all ready. In my opinion your current living arrangement is just slowly dragging out the whole process. Like a wound that will not completely heal, because the scab is being slowly picked at.

your XW has shown a complete lack of respect for you, and for the institution of M. She will continue to show this lack of respect to you for as long as you allow it. You both need to get your own home, so that you can each complete the healing process.

God bless you as you go through this next stage of an all ready horrible situation!

Wow. Thanks. Both of you are helping me see this differently.

Divorce sucks.

far

divorce fully

think of this

in your marriage ... your wife never fully committed to the marriage

now

after the divorce

neither she (nor you) has fully committed to the divorce

divorce already

get away from this sick cycle

break it off

be courteous but not friendly

stay out of her business unless it involves children

separate ~everything~

.... this is like tapping on an infected tooth every day instead of getting it extracted

OUCH !

Pep

*** tap tap tap ***

yep

still hurts like heII

Argh.

The kids are yet to fully feel the pain. I am past most of it. But I want the best for them.

I guess I will feel a lot more as they do.




All sage advice.

Thanks.

Pep - say "hi" to donkey for me.

yes it does. Big time. Your wife should have thought about that before she broke her vows. But that doesn't mean you have to be miserable forever. you do not have to continue to feel the pain of her betrayel, right in your face everyday, in your own home.

It is time for you to get past the pain of the D, and move onto the next stage - where you focus on your healing, your own personal recovery, and to he11 with what your XW is up to.

Pep, please don't mention Dentist today...read my new thread on award winning passive agressive behavior...LOL!

Seriously, though Found, I see a lot of me when I read your situation. Like pep said, you haven't embraced the divorce together, and you haven't embraced the marriage. I'm not divorced yet, but we certainly haven't embraced the marriage, and here we are.

Good luck in making the strong decisions necessary. I have kids, too, and I'm suffering along for their sake. Not so sure they're benefitting in the long run, though.

I have been silent and asking God to show me the correct path today.

I had no idea He would speak so clearly.

Do you feel like His messengers today?

You are.

far

The real danger is not the pain they might feel, but the behaviour they will learn. Time and time again in this life you see:

- Children of teenage moms who go on to have children of their own in their teenage years.
- Children of alcoholic parents who grow to become alcoholic and incapable of healthy relationships.
- Children of broken homes who live much of their lives breaking homes of their own.

No, it's not 100% guaranteed that a child will follow the pattern set forth by their parents, but it's a good chance.

This wound won't heal up for you or your children as long as you keep the knife buried in the flesh. Pull it out.

Of course you want the best for them, all good parents want that for their children. But a situation has arisen that is beyond your control. You have had to get a divorce.

I don`t know how old your kids are but if any of them are school aged they KNOW what a divorce is. They will have classmates whose parents are divorced. The concept of divorce is familiar. The kids talk about D`s.

Now put yourself in your kids shoes for a moment....imagine what it`s like for them when they explain to their friends that their mommy and daddy are divorced...but still living in the same house....their friends are going to be perplexed by this...(just as we adults here on MB are) and are going to ask a million questions. Your kids will be on the hot seat....they are going to be seen as odd...different...

Not good. Kids don`t want to be different. They are going to want to fit into one "category" or another. They are not going to appreciate having to explain this situation over and over again everytime they make a new friend.

It will be less confusing and less embarrassing for your kids if you just make a clean break of it.

The best thing you can do for them is to start anew, move forward and be happy. That`s the lesson you want to teach your kids...to be resilient and capable of moving beyond a bad situation.

we ate pancakes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well - I have got to get my ducks in a row. I have kept lots of notes, but they are not very ordered. I need to start spending time working on that.

W filed, and I did not contest.

I must be a part of my kids daily lives, and need to fight a good custody battle. I was advised to get the e-book for fathers fighting custody battles. I will delve into it. I think I have found a good father's rights lawyer in town. I will contact him. And I have some decent evidence.

I will not give her a hint that I am preparing for anything.

And I will approach every moment in prayer.....

How do you get him to shut up?

It is amazing how much you can get done at work, when you decide to blow off work and concentrate on the important stuff!

when your XW finally moves out (assuming that you stay in the house and she moves out) you will be AMAZED at the relief you will feel. Almost immediately. Have a couple of CD's handy, with really good worship songs. (something like WOW worship) and play the music, nice and loud. Dance around the house eating your favorite junk food, singing praise songs to a Lord who knows you are hurting and has wonderful plans for you.
Plans to prosper, and to enjoy a great life.

donkey never shuts up

but donkey is funny

and loyal too

We will likely both move out. We rent, and the rent will be too much with what I anticipate I will be ordered to pay her. Too bad. We live across the street from horses, around the corner from horses. DD13 LOVES horses, has been working with them, and will no longer have access to that.

Our (all of us) quality of life will go down quite a bit. A co-worker of hers (20 yo) has lived with us for the last year and a half. She watches the kids a lot. I will loose that benefit. But XW and her friend will have to start paying rent. In SoCal, that STARTS at about $1000 (in the low end...) We are in a big house on a big lot, for a GREAT rental rate. Great neigbors. Great neighborhood. Were I married, it would my dream house. I have considered offering to buy it.

But I have to own my life, and I am not married, and the house is not gonna be part of it.

I will look at some apartments near work, and try to eliminate the $5 a day round trip to work.

About a month after the D was final, I took off the ring and developed a peace with the situation.

Thanks for the advice.

Hello far,
I have been in a similar situation.
Only my "kids" were my dog and cat, and here in Belgium it's pretty hard and expensive to find a decent place to rent where you're allowed to keep a cat and a big dog (Bernese Mountain dog... I just love her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)
So it took me several months to find something. Meanwhile H started dating 1 week after I told him I wanted out of the M. He had had 3 girlfriends by the time I moved out. I drew the line at him bringing them to our house, where I still lived in a separate room. XH wanted me to stay home: partly because he felt guilty about what he had done, partly because he's not good at facing consequences... I could have stayed there for years if it had been up to him. But hey - I'm not his mom, am I?
And even though I really wanted out of the M, it stung to be so easily replaced. His A's had all been about sex, not love: but now he was looking for an emotional replacement. Taking these women to "our" restaurant, to "our" spots.

Well.. I did find my perfect house, and ending up buying it. And I'm SOOOOO glad out to be on my own now !!

You sound like you are in a good place "inside".
You'll find a good place "outside" too.
And perhaps, like me, even a lot better than you had ever imagined!