I'm coming up on my 1st D-day anniversary and thought I'd give an recap, update, and ask some questions.

For those that know my story, you can jump to the update and questions. The recap is more for me to journal, but it may offer some insight into my sitch.

Recap
Been married 14 years and together 18 years. In around 2002, MT and I were working on starting a family. This had been a little bit of a struggle, as MT and I were both busy at work and it was hard to find time together. But in February of 2003, MT got pregnant. I think we were both very excited about the prospect of having a little one. However, in the summer of 2003, we lost the baby. We were both very upset and I did my best to be strong and console MT. After about 6 months, MT and I decided to try again. I did not know at the time, but MT has later told me that she did not want to try again, but only agreed because I wanted to. During all of 2004, we got more and more distant from each other, as MT spent more and more time away from home. We fought a lot more during this time. We fought about some stupid stuff, but mostly we fought about her being gone and how that made it very difficult for us to have kids. I had asked several times if she had changed her mind about that and the answer was always no. These fights were also the first time the D word started to come up. Usually I would say do you want a D and MT would say "I think that would be best". Then the next day we would talk again and she would say she didn't mean it. I also asked a few times if she was seeing someone else, which she denied. She also told me she was unhappy. We talked a few times about this, and I tried to help, but we would make a plan to do something different, but eventually revert back to the same old thing. During this, I fely very lonely, very "excluded" from her life.

In December 2004, MT quit her job. To be honest, I was relieved. For one, I thought this was a big source of MT's unhappiness. Maybe not the work, but the people she worked for. Additionally, I thought, well maybe now our M can get a little better because MT can have a job that has less time demands. (Even if she didn't change careers, her previous job was an hour and half commute one way, so if she got a job nearer to our house, we would have more time). I was hopeful that things would be better for both of us. MT looked for a job for 3 months. During this time she still spent a lot of time away from home. Either for interviews or visiting friends.

We had still been trying to have kids. MT and I had discussed this and she agreed to go to a doctor to get a physical and make sure nothing was wrong. After that appointment, she came home and told me she did not want to have kids, hadn't wanted to since we lost the baby and also told me "I love you but I am not in love with you". I didn't respond too well. I felt betrayed and rejected. What I really felt that day was "you don't want to have kids with me" I said some mean things. MT and I talked some more. Later she said, she didn't mind still trying but wasn't going to do anything extraordinary. We talked about our M some and more or less agreed we would try to work on some things, but weren't going to do anything right then. I thought about it and decided I would rather have MT than kids and so I was fine with just letting nature take its course and see what happens.

I don't know if MT ever looked for a job near us. During this discussion she was interviewing with one firm. But about a week after we talked, she got an offer from a firm in TX, that wanted to open an office near us. The catch was she had to work in the TX office for 3 months. I told MT I wasn't thrilled about this, but if its what she wanted to do, I would support her. I asked if this was actually a M separation and she assured me it was not.

A week later, she was packed up and gone to TX. She took her car with her. She had told me she was staying at a female friends condominium in TX, which I believed because she had told me she stayed there before. Since the friend used it sparingly, it was open, but did not have a phone.

For the next 3 months, things went okay. We talked about things and MT came home about every other weekend. I would occassionally ask how is the firm doing on finding you an office back home, etc.

In July '05, MT was supposed to be returning home. She came home one weekend, but did not drive her car back and said she had to go back for one more week. She came home the next time, still without her car, but was going to stay a few days and then go get her car.

In the middle of July, MT had to go to a funeral. I was on my way to work and remembered that I need some insurance information from her. She had said it was in her bag, so I went to get it. I so a stack of about 3-4 cards that I knew I had not given her. I don't know why I opened them up, but I did. So that was D-Day.

When she got home, I confronted her about it. She admitted to the A and explained to me that it was not a co-worker and that A had gone on for most of 2004 and she had ended in March '05 and the person lived in the town where her old job was (about and hour and half from where we live). I didn't really ask a whole lot of questions at this time. I was a little stunned. Besides, one of the cards clearly demonstrated that she had in fact told OM it was over in March.

MT decided to go back to TX. I found this site and did my best to start working on myself. I also started digging for information. Over much of August, in little bits and pieces I found out the OM was from TX, MT had been living in his condo (MT told me that he was seldom there and she had been renting from him), that they kept seeing each other, etc.

I would confront MT with this and she would reveal a little more. But to be brutally honest, she would seldom reveal more than I already knew. She agreed to move out of OM's place and into a hotel. In Sept '05 MT agreed to MC with SH and we started. MT sent a NC letter. OM responded with an FU. MT also explained to me that her employer had decided not to open an office where we live. MT said she would take care of this and a couple weeks later said the company said it would be fine if she worked out of our home. During this time, I found out about another cell phone she had.

In October, MT flew home to stay and start working out of our home. Her car was still in TX. She stayed for the weekend, but then went back to TX. She came home every know and then for a few days, but there was always a work reason why she had to go back to TX.

In Nov'05, she drove her car back from TX. As this was now when she was really going to start working from home. She also brought her computer back. I put a key logger on her PC and over thanksgiving found out she was still or had resumed contact with OM. I also found out that some copies of her cell phone bills she sent me to prove NC had been forged. The real ones showed contact had not really ended. I confronted her about this, and she said she had contacted him because she did not want to burn those bridges. Although, what she wrote seemed a bit more than just maintaining aquaintences. MT also pointed out that she felt like she would end contact, but did not want to work on the M. She says she decided a long time ago that the M was over and did not want to work on it. I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea to make that decision while still in contact with OM. She agreed. She sent another NC letter to OM. He again responded with an FU. She went out that night and called OM to end it with him.

We went through the holidays and had a good time. We continued some sporadic MC sessions with SH. But essentially, MT never stayed at home more than a few days at a time. We kind of treaded water for a few months.

In about February '06, MT said her employer had decided to open an office in our home town. I saw the memo, so I know this was legit. However, MT was going to have to help them with a special project and would not be able to come home until July '06. I said, I can live with that, but I would like to understand how she feels and are we going to work on the M. She said yes. We started doing MC a little more regularly and MT and I were both doing fairly well. She started posting and reading on this forum. I thought we were on a plan that might actually move things in the right direction. I wasn't thinking things for our future were all squared away, but I did think we had established PORH, POJA, NC and MT was finally going to be moving back home. Because she was going to have to be in TX, she wanted to drive her car back to TX for financial reasons. I agreed. We spent most of the next few months getting along fairly well and MT was great about most things. I thought I was doing pretty well too. I had all but quit snooping, but for the occassional check of her e-mail account.

Then in late May '06, she went out to run an errand and I checked her work computer internet history. I found an e-mail account she had never mentioned to me. She set up the account with a fake last name. When she got back I confronted her about it. She said it was just for junk mail, but would not show me any of the e-mails in it. Later she admitted that she had contacted OM, but the e-mails were just friendly hello's. She deleted all the e-mails and closed the account. She also sent another NC letter via e-mail. I don't know if OM responded.

Update
So that brings us to June '06. MT had been doing even more to work on the M after the latest NC letter. I thought she would be driving her car home the first week of July and have her new office opened. She said her company had signed the lease and it was all set to go. Mt was still only coming home on the weekends. In fact, the weekends seemed to be getting shorted a little, with trips home requiring to leave on Saturday or Sunday. But, I assumed this was to sort of close up things in TX. Anyway, two weeks ago, on Saturday, MT tells me she is leaving that day and will be flying home the next weekend on Friday. I say, why do you have to leave and why not drive back? She says, I she has to do some work and she decided it would be fun for both of us to fly to TX and drive the car back. I say how long will you be staying for when you come back. She says two weeks until we go get the car.

Last Friday, she changes her plans and can not come into town until Saturday. I go to check on her flight plan and find out she has already booked a return flight for the following Monday. I get upset about this and basically say I can't keep doing this, I would like her to move home. I'm sure I did a few LB's during this as well. She then tells me that she never really wanted to work on the M and was just saying all this stuff to keep me happy. She also tells me that her employer did not sign a lease, but they have it ready if she really wants to open an office here. MT is supposed to be coming home this weekend and still has plans for us to go get her car.

Questions

First a couple of caveats. Yes, I have considered that MT is still in contact. If she is, I don't think its the same as it was pre D-day. I can't list all the reasons why I think that. Second, I don't consider my self a crumb eater. While I may in fact be eating crumbs right now, I'm viewing that as being patient. I'm sure I'll get 2x4's for that statement.

Ok, the first thing that stumps me is this. I think MT is telling the truth when she says she wants to work on the M. I also think she is telling the truth when she says she doesn't want to work on the M. I think she goes back and forth. For FWS, I would imagine you had this type of indecision. What made up your mind?

What is the advice you give to someone who is waiting for the "feeling" to motivate them. I feel very much like MT is waiting until she feels like working on the M. She does not want to do it if she doesn't feel like it. I'm sympathetic to that, because basically she feels like she has been living her life supressing her feelings and doing what was right even if she didn't feel like doing it. Now, M recovery requires her to do that again and requires that she have faith that it will work out different this time.

Finally, how important is it for the BS to follow the PORH. I don't mean I lie to MT, but sometimes she says something that hurts me. Should I bring that up or let it go.

I'm sure I'll have some more questions, but those are my latest.

rprynne,

I don't have any answers for you. It just makes me very sad to read your post because it looks to me like she is using you. She is flip flopping back and forth like she was trying to decide whether to have vanilla or chocolate ice cream when it is YOU - a real person with real feelings that she is toying with.

This is not very MB-like but I just hope that God takes care of you and one day places a very loving, gentle, kind, and caring person in front of you who can love you as you deserve to be loved - wholly and completely. Whether this is MT or not, time will tell but what she is doing is cruel.

I'm sorry if I am judging the situation, it just hurts to watch it.
S.

She told you above that she does not want to work on the marriage. Why do you not see this? Her treatment of you indicates that she does not want to work on the marriage. You might want to start paying attention to her actions. I want you too realize her affair is not about you, it is her own unhappiness.

Her Affair has gone on since 2004? Let me ask you a question- “Why should she commit to you?” I ask this because I want you to really think about it. You have not had a real wife for over 2 years.

What are the consequences for her actions? I cannot see any. The fact is you want to be married so bad to her that she knows you will accept her crumbs. She continues to lie and you continue to believe her.

None of us can make her act like a wife. Obviously what you have been doing has not worked. You are probably a really great guy. She is taking advantage of this by cheating on you and having a back up plan. If she faked a cell phone bill she certainly can fake a memo on the job near your home.

Why accept crumbs from her? What inside of you accepts this kind of treatment? Why don’t you stand up and be a man instead of a doormat? Take control of your own life. She treats you like this because she can, plain and simple! There are no consequences to her actions because you allow it. What she is doing is horrible, but you could stop it today if you choose to do so.

What do you think your wife would do if you were having an affair for 2 ½ years? How would you feel about your marriage? You would probably feel that as long as you have both women it is not so bad. You may not want to work on the marriage since that may upset your affair. Now if you were having an affair and your wife said it is either me or her then you would have to make a choice. My guess is your wife would not allow you to do that to her so you would have to commit one way or another.

You allow her behavior! What are you afraid of? You would be far better off without a woman than having one that treats you like this. You have no kids and you really do not have a wife. None of us are going to be able to solve your problem.

Harley’s principles are great but they do not work on everyone. Some people are not marriage material. Some men and women should not be married because they are too selfish. Your wife appears to be one of these people.

I am not telling you to divorce her. I am telling you to be prepared to divorce her if she is not willing to end her affair and move back home and commit to you. You are your own worst enemy. She does not respect you because she knows you are a fall back plan just in case. She has no reason to commit to you because she knows she does not have too. She can have her affair and you so there is no reason to change anything.

Bottom line is unless you are willing to move on with your life without her you are in for a horrible existence. You have all the power but you do not use it. You are a conflict avoider like I once was and it will kill your marriage. Either just accept the crumbs you are getting or be a man and expect her to be your wife or be willing to move on. Those seem to be your two choices.

Good luck to you. A lot of us have been there and done that so we all know how hard this can be. Again, stop doing what you have been doing it is not working. You have all the power regardless of what she does. You either accept it or move on.

rprynne, it looks to me like you have three choices:

1. Plan A for another 5 years with no result so she can have her cake and eat it too

2. Plan B to remove yourself from her ongoing cruelty

3. divorce her

You already know that Plan A has availed you nothing, nor should it. As IHadEnough stated, she has no reason to quit her affair or move in with you. This is much more than an affair, rprynne, this is a marriage that is extremely damaged by your seperate living arrangements. And since that will never change, you cannot do more than you have already done to repair that breach. She won't move in with you and you know this.

So, you can choose to live like this, at the mercy of a profoundly selfish, cruel woman, or you can take back control of your life. It's up to you. But if you choose to stay and spin your wheels, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Shattered - Thanks very much for the kind words. FWIW, I don't view what MT has done as cruelty. At the very least, its not intentional. Plus, when I list the time line of the last few years, it excludes much of my behavior. I did not do this intentionally, its just my "cruelty" was more insidious, but less action oriented. I neglected my W. For most of our marriage, I was the very selfish one.

IHE and Mel - I understand your message. I have considered what you have said many times. So let me ramble on a bit and in no particular order.

The central thrust of much of the advice we've been given is you need to spend more time together. I don't see how that is accomplished by a Plan B or Plan D. So should plan B or plan D be done to manipulate or motivate? That would be repeating my behavior of the past, pre-A, and I already know where that has gotten me. Should plan B or plan D be done to protect myself, my reputation, my self-esteem or my respect? I've got that covered.

Should I plan B or plan D, so I can move on? Get on with things so to speak? There is only one thing I could do that can't be done while in my M. That's start a R with somebody else. Frankly, I'm in no big hurry to do that.

I do not understand this obsession with time. Maybe it is the fragility or scarcity of that resource. Yes, I understand I could be hit by a bus tommorrow. But I may live to be 110. So, I'm going to assume I'll end up somewhere in the middle. That leaves me about 40 years. So if I spend 12.5% of those remaining years trying to be a good husband, trying to recover my M, so be it. The leaves about 90% of my remaining life.

And its not the classic definition of insanity. I don't do the same thing expecting different results. On a macro level its going to look the same, but take anything to a 10,000 foot level and it will look the same. The devil is in the details. Plan A is a high level plan. MC is a high level plan. There are numereous variations. When some variation does not work for MT and I, we change it.

Mel, early on, you said this would take a lot of time and would be a very difficult thing. You said the odds were against us. I'm not deluded into thinking that has changed. I realize the predicament.

Fear is not what keeps me working on the M. It is the fundamental belief that we (both MT and I) will be happier in the long run if we work through this. I am not afraid of being alone or starting over.

I do not understand how patience and playing the cards you're dealt becomes crumb eating. Every BS eats crumbs for some period of time. It is the very nature of an imbalanced M. When one S is in one state of the marriage and the other is in another state. I'm sure if you asked MT, she would say she ate crumbs for years and years. When she decided she wasn't going to be a crumb eater, she chose to have an A and then left home. Would I have rathered her say, this just isn't getting it done and you need to change some things. And then given me the time to change them. Yes. I would bet she feels she did exactly that. I bet she feels she tried for years. I don't see what is so awful about treating others as you would like to be treated.

As for consequences, there are consequences to her actions. MT knows this. FWIW, I realize there are times when MT lies. But in most of the situations, when her actions don't follow her words, I don't know what you call it. When she says she is going to do something, she's not lying about it. When she says it, she fully intends to do it. However, on some things, when it comes time to do it, she doesn't. I don't know if that is lying or not. MT is not trying to be cruel.

This still leaves me with some of the questions I asked above.

As always, I appreciate the advice and perspective

Why would she ever "feel like it" or make up her mind when she can just keep having the best of both worlds by never actually making a decision? Rigth now, you're giving her the perfect reason NOT to make up her mind, and NOT to "feel like it".

If you let her see that she could actually lose something - you, her marriage, her family -- by continuing to act this way, then she has a reason to choose, a reason to make a decision and decide how she feels and what she wants. It's still her own choice, she's the one who decides what she wants, and then she lives with the consequences (good or bad) of her choice.



How important is it (to you) for her to follow PORH with you? Do you want her to tell you if something hurts her? Or just let it go?

RP

Just quoted you on these two things below.

"Every BS eats crumbs for some period of time."

"When she decided she wasn't going to be a crumb eater, she chose to have an A and then left home."

So crumb eating for a long time leads to.....

Be careful you don't eat crumbs for too long then.

Be very careful my friend either you are buying into her justifications or you are building your own.

Plan B is to preserve what love you have left for her. It is to protect you from any further damage.

It is necessary if plan A is not working.

You need to give her a reason to make a choice. Right now she hasn't so if you read my sig line you will see what doing the same thing over and over is called.

It is NOT INTENDED to accomplish any such thing. And you know it. Plan B means you END CONTACT. Plan D means the same thing except in a more final tone.

There is NO PLAN that will force MT to "spend more time" with you, rprynne. She won't spend more time with you. That is REALITY. So, what we are trying to help you do is ACCEPT REALITY and remove yourself her sick, twisted little cat and mouse game. Take back control of your life and allow her to live as she chooses: as a single woman.

Plan B is FOR YOU. It is not intended to manipulate MT, but to REMOVE YOU FROM HER MANIPULATIONS.

But then, if you enjoy living like a cuckold, then you should ignore my advice and continue with your lifestyle, where MT lies and sneaks around and lives like a single woman while you sit by the phone with baited breath waiting for a phone call.


Honestly, I don't think you do. When I said it was going to "take time" I didn't mean that you should make Plan A a way of life in the face of a reality that should tell you it is hopeless. Plan A was not made to be a way of life, rprynne. Its purpose is to end the affair, not to accommodate her affairs and her life as a single woman. And that is all it is. You don't have a wife and you will never have one as long as you remain in your perpetual Plan A doing the the same thing over and over and over again.

I am sorry to be harsh, rprynne, but I suspect that you somehow believe that doing the same thing over and over and over again forever will magically produce different results. It won't. So it comes down to a matter of ACCEPTANCE. Acceptance that you can't change her.

I am a huge fan of Plan B.

After reading your cliff notes, I think that is your best option.

If it were me, this is what I would do: really amp up my Plan A, put my very best efforts into it for 2-3 weeks, all the while getting my ducks in a row for Plan B. Then I would go suddenly dark.

What do you stand to lose? From a (fairly) objective viewpoint, it looks like you have almost nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

AMIOK - I understand what you are saying. I really do. I guess I'm just stuck on this idea. In all honesty, I think MT knows she may lose me. I just don't think she knows if she cares or not.

To your point about PORH, yes I want to know the truth. I guess I will try and do better about that. I will try and give an example. While MT was out of town she went to a work function. She called me while she was there and I was asking about it. At one point she said something like, "oh don't worry, everybody here is in their late fifties, so nothing bad is going to happen". Well, this may sound petty, but OM was in his late fifties. 20+ years older than MT. She occassionally says things like that, and quite frankly, it stings. I don't think she means anything by it, but it still hurts. If I say, hey that bothers me because of this, I think MT views it as more evidence that I will never be able to recover. I think she has this dreaded fear that ten years down the road, I'm going to be slinging barbs at her about this. When I say something, it tends to feed that fear.

Hurtingless - In some respects you are 100% correct. I would be building justifications of my own. But for right now, I don't need Plan B to perserve things.

Mel - I'm not looking for a plan to force MT to spend time with me. What I'm saying is plan A and B are for ending an A. I believe NC is in place. Will it stay in place. I don't know. Perhaps you are saying that NC has never happened. If so, then plan B may be appropriate. If not, and we are in NC, then I don't see what going dark does to help my situation.

I don't view it as a cat and mouse game. What I view it as is someone who is 50/50 on giving their M a try or chucking it all to start over. Each day, they vacillate between the two. I understand that MT's actions result in cruelty towards me. But you are saying those actions reflect her intentions. I just don't think I agree with that.

I think it was you who once told me that you were bad about estimating your arrival times. If you told your H that you would be home by 8, and you in fact did not arrive by 9 and this caused the surprise dinner he made to go cold. How would you define this? Not with a lot of ifs, or I would have done this, etc. I mean was telling him you'd be home at 8 a lie? Was not coming home until 9 cruel?

I don't sit around waiting for a phone call. I have plenty to do when MT is away.

I don't believe doing the same thing will get different results. I am asking for advice on what to do differently. If the general consensus is that its either a Plan A type thing or plan B, then I guess I'm a little stuck.

Not so - thanks for the tips, I think I addressed some of your comments above.

rprynne,


Back and forth between wanting to work on the marriage and wanting to chuck it. Yup. Still feel that way sometimes. Because it's hard work and takes a leap of faith that the payoffs will be worth it.

For me, the shock that my H actually wanted to save the marraige and make it better... along with the follow-up in his actions... were the first things that motivated me.

And as my head began to clear, my motivation became the realization that I would likely live with deep regrets for the rest of my life unless I really, honestly gave recovery my best shot.

In your case rprynne, I wish I could come up with something more that you could do to tip the scales. But it seems to me that YOU have done all YOU can to motivate MT. The rest must come from within her. So the question is... how much longer are YOU willing to wait for her to make up her mind?



As you know, I've had the exact same reservations. So it comes down to her making a choice -- to try or not. You've counseled with SH, no? So she knows the drill, yes? The "advice" is... the feelings never come first. If you're not willing to do the work first... say so and get it over with.

Yes, marriage recovery requires her to do that again (what's right despite what she feels)... ONE MORE TIME.... with no guarentees. Either she's willing to do that or not.

She kept you hanging on with the promise that she would move home in July, and then the real work could begin.

Now she's wavering again?

Maybe that's her real answer rprynne. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />




Sorry to say this rprynne, but that sounds like a lame excuse to me. What, she wants some kind of guarentee that you will be 100% "over it" at a certain point in time in the not to distant future? But she's not willing to even make the 100% committment to work on the marriage in the here and now?

I don't know. I don't mean to bring you down. I honestly thought her move home this month would be the turning point... but now I just don't know.

I don't believe she's hurting you on purpose either. But how much longer are you going to be willing to be hurt "by mistake" or as an unavoidable "byproduct" of what "she wants to do"?

Please take care of yourself.

--SC

Can you answer this to me, Why should she give up any OM? What is her incentive? What are her consequences for her actions?

There is no magic solution to your problem you can only pay the odds. What do you want out of marriage? I ask this because I don't understand the point of being married when you have people treating people like this.

No one can give you the answer that you seek. There is no pill to take to make her act like a wife. You are also responsible for your actions. You have taught your wife that she can treat you like this and you will still be there.

Now since she is a WW why should she not go out and try to find a better man than you? Maybe I can explain it like this. If she knows you are willing to accept her treatment why should she not see what else is out there. Maybe she can find someone that is better looking and makes more money and is more fun than you if she keeps looking around. (And by a better man I mean in her mind not in reality!)

It really is not about you it is about her. She could have talked to you instead of finding another guy. Healthy people do not do that. She knows you will be there no matter what because you have taught her this. She does not need to commit to you because she thinks no matter what she can fall back to you.

I can't make it more clear that if you do not force her to make a choice then nothing will change. You have no children so why accept it. If she does not want to move home and commit to you then you are far better off without her.

IHE - I understand what you are saying. I just don't think this is MT's frame of mind. Perhaps you mean subconciously MT is reacting this way and I am playing my part in that. I don't know. But it is not a conscious choice she is making. Her consequence is that it dissappoints me and she feels guilty. I know many will laugh at that, but it is the truth.

SC - Yes, I thought July was a turning point. Anyway, she is supposed to be home tommorrow for good. We'll see.

FWIW - I have seen three different periods of NC. Folks here like to believe the worst, but it is true. MT has ended contact with OM 3 different times. I have verified it. At times she starts to work on the M, but then she backs off. When I ask about her backing off, we get right back to her indecision about working on the M. The distance apart just kills things.

SC, IHE, and a post by LowOrbit on another thread combined are what makes things difficult for what action I should take. MT has clearly decided at some points in time she wants to work on things. Then something gets in the way. I feel like a plan B is using an nuke when colt 45 would suffice.

Get her HOME and hopefully progress can commence. If not, move on.

You both deserve a chance. You deserve a chance at the recovery you so desire and for the patience you've exhibited. She should take a chance to realize what she's got. MT will NEVER have a man in her life willing to do what you have done for her. NEVER again. She may not respect you now but someday, hopefully, she will be so appreciative of the fact you waited around for her. It is a testament to your love for her, not your weakness. Love isn't weakness, it can be misplaced, but it is not weakness.

If she doesn't come home NOW and give it a chance. At that point, you've got to love yourself and move on. It really is up to her right now. Submit or get off the pot.

Mr. Wondering

Well, MT has been home for 5 days now. I believe it's a new record for us over the last 15 months. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good! Now did you address the problem of the phone?

IHE - Uh, yes and no. MT gave me an explanation about the phone. Basically it was left over from when she was in the A and she only used it again to let her previous employer get in touch with her. She did not want her previous employer to have her new contact information. She also said that she is not in contact with OM. Other information supports that what she told me was the truth.

I told MT I'm not 100% convinced and also let MT know that I felt that it really doesn't does not matter if the phone was "innocent" now, she should have disclosed it to me.

We then got in a long discussion that basically boils down to she wants me to trust her and she wants to be able to have secrets. I don't think her desire to have secrets is motivated by a desire to continue an A. But I let her know that given the current circumstances, it doesn't look good.

Anyway, we are trying to talk through some things.

Rprynne,
I don't know your story at all but this really stuck out at me.


Um, no. This is not an option if you want a marriage. You can not have both. You especially can not have both if you have had or are continuing an A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Totally unacceptable.