Started therapy this week with wife to find out why she is trying to destroy our marriage and family.

I have demanded full and radical honesty and not gotten it all yet, maybe 80% of it. She has lied to me for 8 months straight.
Our therapist seems to be in favor of not necessarily being truthful in a full way and says we can reveal things later as he coaches her on it, but that seems a rather slow way to do it.


I don't feel like i can go forwards with out honesty first , to know where i stand.

Am i asking too much too soon or is it reasonable to want to stop having to wonder and suffer like this?

"Am i asking too much too soon or is it reasonable to want to stop having to wonder and suffer like this?"

Nope you are not asking too much.

Just to let you know I went almost 3 years without radical honesty.

It is a horrible cycle of wondering and suffering. You will figure stuff out on your own and then it will eat you up.

The main problem is without the radical honesty it is really difficult to move forward. Each little nugget of info makes things different. Different problems different solutions.

I have worked on several different problems only to find out they weren't the reason for the A. The info brought that to light.

I wish you luck.

Try Josephs letter it is really powerful.

WH and I to are in MC going through the same thing you are. In fact MC had to seperate us. Now she is focusing on WH family.I understand what she is doing but its gonna take a long time I know.I can`t get it through WH`s head about RH.Just hang in there, its hard I know and you deserve RH. JUst keep posting here.Good luck

Radical honesty? That would be really nice right now. I don't think I've been given RH in months. It's been eating away at me but until WH can give me RH, there is no way I can try to work on this M. I am trying as best I can by working on myself but WH is in major denial. Can you imagine how the WS is feeling by not giving 100% RH?

We through MC but WH was not being radically honest and it was a waste of money and time.

I don't think you can enforce, force, expect, or demand radical honesty until your spouse is ready to give it. My MC stopped me from asking for details or the truth as she knew my W was not ready. If they are staying because it is their best option, or not sure if they are going to stay, then RH will not happen. If you try and force it or demand it, you push your S further away.

They need to feel safe in a R to want to give RH. When someone demands from you do you feel safe? Most of us become defensive. In MC, they will just feel "ganged up on" if the MC tells them they must give RH...unless they feel safe with the MC... so don't expect this right away.

Although your trust for your WS is definitely lost, the WS has also lost trust in you or in the M... they need to get some trust back before they will feel safe and give RH.

If they give RH out of obligation, this may eventually work, but the feelings have not changed and resentment may grow deeper. There are reasons they had an A to begin with... by demanding such things, we may be just adding to these reasons and pushing them further away.

This is why recovery takes so long. The book says RH is required for the BS to recover, but WS or FWS won't agree to RH unless they trust or feel obligated... I would prefer that they do it in trust. I think that way will last much longer.

Shaden