Every once in a while, some old fogey (like me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />) comes along and decides to post some nuggets of info they've gathered over their years at MB. As you will see by my sig line below, I have been here for... uh... awhile. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I decided it's my turn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />I rarely begin posts anymore but for a couple of nights a week I read here for an hour or two because my H works late... and I post.

My thread won't be deep or profound - at least I don't think so. Consider it a conversational deal... I'll talk for ... like... an hour or so... and then you can talk, if you'd like... and then I'll talk again, and then you.

Feel free to tell me I'm full of air, or crap, or daisies... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />.

So, here are my thoughts/nuggets/road apples (in no particular order):

• The following words should be banned when speaking of Former Wayward Spouses: "All" and "Every".
  
  Not all or every FWS is waiting, pining, or hoping for another contact from the affair partner. In fact, some FWS's will never forget the damage they did to their spouse, their family, or themselves. Some would rather die than 'go there' again. Some will NEVER again in their lifetime be unfaithful.
• There comes a point when FWS's need to move forward and REclaim their integrity.
  
  Time to rejoin the human race as a RECOVERED person, knowing that you will never travel that road again...
  
  You have exposed and made amends to absolutely everyone the affair touched. (Pssst: this includes forgiving YOURSELF)
• For FBS's who feel they cannot move on, even with amends, remorse and the FWS having done everything asked of them (my heart goes out to you!) -- there is no shame in seeking help.
  
  See your doctor, your minister, a therapist, go on a spiritual quest, do SOMETHING: Tell someone or many someone's about your pain. Don't hold it in - it leads to resentment. Like JL is fond of saying (and he's quoting an older poster from years ago): Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
• Don't lie to yourself.
  
  Try this exercise, no matter how dumb you think it is: Go to your bathroom mirror - under the brightest light - and look at your face - especially your eyes. Pull your hair back if its long. You want to see your face.
  
  Tell the reflection what you see, what you think of him/her; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Notice how hard it is to lie to yourself while you watch yourself (it really *is* hard, try it!).
• Hold yourself to a high standard.
  
  If everyone were watching your every move, what would you do differently?
  
  From the little things (you got too much change at the A&P) to the big things (cheating on your taxes) to the biggest things (you were an infidel)....
  
  Remember that someone IS watching you - your children, your spouse, your God, and your gut. If you screwed up before, now is your chance to make things right from this point forward.
• Forgive yourself.
  
  Two little words, but very difficult to do, especially for people like me, who (for some unknown reason probably related to my mother <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> ) enjoy beating themselves up for years and years.
  
  There really is a lot a value in another two little words: Let go.
• From where you've taken, give back.
  
  Hey, that's why I'm still here... though at times, I still take. And I laugh. And cry. And pray.
• BS's, it is never, ever, ever, ever, ever your fault that your spouse cheated.
  
  
• WS's, you made a choice. Not a mistake: a mistake is putting too much salt in the stew. A choice is having an affair.
• "Remorse" and "Repent" are not the same word and don't have the same meaning. Feeling bad is not the same as turning away from. A true recovery (for the WS) will include repentance. It will go a long way toward recovery for the BS, too.
  
  A few parting thoughts:(aka - some things I have done over the years to make me feel better around here)
• Look for posts that have 0 responses and answer them. You never know who's day you will brighten or who's heart you will lighten. Some days you will be in a better place and someone else will be in a bad place. Being ignored is one of the worst feelings out there - especially for someone who is being ignored by their spouse.
• Find junior members and welcome them to Marriage Builders. I used to have a whole welcome message, but NSR and OneGoing crafted a much nicer one. But my little one wasn't bad either, and people felt welcommed, which is what matters.
• Don't think that you have nothing to contribute. If you don't understand, ask questions. If you disagree, say so. If you agree, say so. If you're a praying person, you can always say a prayer.

And finally:

• Today might be the day you were suppose to talk to someone. You just might make a difference.
  
  Last week, LA said that I said something to her that only I was suppose to say... like it was meant to be! What a cool thought!
  

Nice post, NB.

I thought I would just answer since you have zero responses so far... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-HD

new beginning

do you have any additional words of wisdom for those of us who still deeply love our WS and continue to hope and pray for a restored marraige even when it seems hopeless?

Well NBII, you know what they say..."If it's not one thing, it's your MOTHER!"...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the great post; it was a very enjoyable read! Take Care of You!

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I enjoyed this

Pep

I have taken a copy for my MP group -

I must drive them mad going on about MB, but if it is OK with you (beloved crusty oldster) - I will share this with them.

Many of them just need to read the right thing to get that little nudge to come and look at the MB site before they give up on their marriages.

SP

Hey Crusty,

How ya doin? WhoDat was the man that brought to this board.

Dang girl you are getting very very wise in your "old" age. Nice post.

God Bless,

JL

Dear NBII,

Crusty? Naw......that's Mr. Crabbes from SpongeBob. Not U! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now as for 'pulling' one's hair back...... you got me trying to visuallize WAT doing that....no can do! LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Great thread NBII..... hope the newbies and even us oldies, take it to heart.

Good stuff.

Mahalo,

From a newbie... Thank you so much!

I know I was a mess when I first posted... I know it was sooo long so babdly writen so confused that I could not expect much response... but I felt so lost for not having any response. I felt so hopeless.

I will try the exercise!

NWII,

Thanks for the post and positive directions. Was very similar to what I read in Norman Vincent Peale's book "A Tough Minded Optimist". Something I picked up when my mess boiled up - basically encourages you to have the willpower to turn your negative thoughts to good - sometimes hard to do in practice but necessary for your wellbeing.

Thanks again,
No Way

Nicely done young lady.

But it's "Today might be the day you were supposed to talk to someone." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I still remember a dream I had several years ago that included you and K.

You were neck deep in a sea of chit and I was standing on the bank.

"Oh, NB, I'll get some help!"

"Don't help me, help K - I'm standing on his shoulders!"

Of course, it was a metaphor for how we can help/lean on each other when needed. I wonder how many have stood on your shoulders?

WAT
-------------------
Gone fishing until 16/7.

Thanks for this wonderful post.

It's things like this I need to read to know that there is hope out there.

I am going to cut and paste your post and email to to my FWH. HOPE that he reads it - and understands it.

Cheers
zuj

HD, eav, Mrs. W, Pep, silver, JL, Orchid, lost, noway, and WAT, (did I miss anyone?)... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

silverpool, Wow, what a compliment! Share with whomever you like!

JL, Thank you for reminding me about WhoDat. He showed up a short while ago, didn't he?

WAT, I forgot that dream you had... but sure do remember it now! That was a loooooong time ago! AND, haha about the "supposed"... but you failed to mention my glaring misspelling of "welcommed" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />... which, hey, is SO ME, so I'll leave it anyway.

eav, If you really, REALLY want my opinion about your situation - read on.

I have only a limited time to respond, eav, so I'll have to make this quick... so it will be from the hip:

You're doing the right thing by being in Plan B (and going dark).

I know (from reading your responses around here for the last little while) that you hate it when anyone tells you to focus on yourself -- but it is the kindest, most compassionate thing to do right now -- for both your WS and yourself.

You won't stop loving your WS and I would never suggest you force yourself to do that. But you can 'let go'... and before you tell me that it's impossible, please continue reading.

Picture this: Your WS finally pulls his head out of his butt after being with the OW for years (it's already been 18 months, right?). He wants to come back to you...

What will he be coming back to?

A strong, vibrant woman who has learned that she deserves the BEST life has to offer?

Or a broken shell of a woman who will accept him as he is, back into her life?

eav, the man he is... is NOT the man you were married to. He ceased being that months (possibly years) ago. You need a new man, a new husband.

My opinion, for what it's worth, is this: Build a life that you can be proud of. Continue loving your H, because you can do nothing other than that. But let go of the notion that he will come riding back to you on a white horse. If/when he comes back to you, he will be limping, or crawling. Be prepared for that. Decide what you REALLY need for YOU, not for HIM.

In short: Continue building the strongest eav you can. Love him, but protect yourself.

Where have you been when I needed you?

What am I to do about this DRAMA QUEEN whose DRAMATIC QUOTIENT is going OVER THE TOP?

Thankfully she will be on vacation next week.

But, of course, we will not be able to function around here without her...

She had to come in EARLY today..although she usually comes in FASHIONABLY LATE..to prepare for her you know what..DRAMATIC EXIT..this afternoon...

She had to rush out this morning without blowdrying her hair..her hair does "crazy things" if she does not use the blowdryer...Who gives a flip?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi NB! Great Post. Life can be beautiful after the affair. I too like to check in. It keeps me focused on the fact that all marriages are dynamic and we need to keep a pulse on what the day, month brings. Hugs.

Wonderful stuff, NB! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I love to see positive, realistic, useful advice here!

You've been thru it all and successfully made it to recovery....with your sweet spirit intact! Those hoping for or beginning their journey to recovery would do well to pay attention.

Lori

This should be a "sticky" thread.

It's great NB.

Coming up for air...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Haven't been by these parts for a long time. It's nice to see a positive post like this one...

Thanks NB. And it's good to see you and some of the long-timers around here...

Nice post, I needed it today. Bad week at work and lots of insomnia.....REALLY makes me grumpy and intollerant.

Who

NBII

i really don't hate that everyone is telling me to focus on myself (although it sounds that way when I re-read my posts)

what i actually hate is that people don't get that I am doing BOTH and i'm doing it in my own way in my own time! I am working on me and my life.....while i still focus on rebuilding my marraige

i think that people here don't GET IT (except for Mimi a few others who have taken alot of heat for supporting me instead of having people realize that maybe they are UNDERSTANDING me best!)......most people don't get that it's possible to do BOTH and it may not be the way EVERYONE does it but that doesn't make it wrong.

but i don't want to thread-jack here....i'll cut/paste your advice to me on my thread and respond as soon as i hve time

i actually think that what i have been doing the past weeks to focus on ME might surprise people here.....i've not posted about it because i've not been ready to share my thoughts and actions

i really come here to post my thoughts and actions about my h and his A.....i feel people here are most qualified to share thier thoughts and advice on THAT part of my life

i've shared and discussed my "life" outside of my H with my close friends and family as i feel they are most qualified to give advice in THAT area

perhaps that's why people here think that i'm not working on ME?