Post deleted by justjilly

{{{{{{{{{{Jilly}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am sorry that you have had to go through this. Your physical symptoms are something that many go through. Please, see your doctor right away to talk about this.

Post deleted by justjilly

Hi Jilly- just wanted to let you know that you are a strong women- I'm exhausted just reading all that and felt like I was living it with you. It brought back memories of my D -day many moons ago.

I especially related to that feeling of being "plotted" against by the OW. My ex and the OW totally plotted and made decisions about our marriage which flabbergasted me. How dare she try to have "input" on my life and my marriage!

As you can see to this day I still get upset when I think about how the OP meddle. Not that the spouses aren't to blame, they are.

The ironic part is that the OP tries to protect their affair "rights" and can't understand the fury and desire of the BS to protect the marriage and family.

Post deleted by justjilly

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is miserable at first, but it does get much better. It won't last two years. You will start getting back to your old self. However, you will probably have to work on your marriage for at least two years.

If you are feeling really bad, please see your doctor.

Justjilly,

First of all, thanks for your post to my thread. That's what made me check out your postings. I understand all that you are going through. Had I written all of the details, I have no doubt that my posting would have been just as long.

I want to say a few things....I, too, acknowledged that there were some issues in our marriage prior to his A. But he's the one who chose to do what he did. So, you take no part in what caused the A (whether EA or PA).

Now you are at the rebuilding phase or the healing phase. Truthfully I don't know if there ever comes a day when I won't think of her. And you are in a worse situation because they work together. He should have No Contact (NC) with OW. And, don't call her, text, email or have any other communication with her. All you are doing is continuing to keep that relationship fresh in your mind and have the potential to reconnect them in some way. You also need to have NC with her. Short and sweet...you don't hate her for what she has done. That is in the past. You are focusing on the future and will not have contact with her. That will be one important step for you to move on.

You and your husband need to complete the Emotional Needs Qustionnaire found on the MBs website. It will give you both some insight into what's important to each of you. You can then operate from that level of understanding when you make decisions, have arguments, etc., etc.

I think about my H's A every day. Every day I am "haunted" by that. The difference is that I don't dwell on it so much now. I can move on. I do have suspicions and continue to check his phone for texts and the cell phone records to see if there are numbers on there that shouldn't be. But I don't do that as often as I used to. It will take time for the trust to be rebuilt.

One of your major issues right now is that you have too much time. I understand this because I, too, am in education. The only thing that kept me going when all h*** was breaking loose was the fact that I had my job to go to every day. And while I wasn't as effective as I normally am (I was actually quite numb), I went to work and maintained the routine. That routine was my lifeline. People knew something was wrong, but they didn't know what. And just to know that there were people that counted on me (in your case your students) is what kept me strong. I did the yo-yo thing with not being able to eat and I probably lost about 10 pounds the first couple of weeks. I don't know how I possibly maintained the strength to get through every day when I wasn't eating. Then I went through the depression thing of eating all the time and bounced back the other way. Now I am back to where I was pre-D-Day. But, I am not happy with myself. He has taken care of that with his viewing porn on the internet and with his two affairs.

But I persevere. I move forward. He is here with me. He has promised that the As occurred during a time when he was struggling with giving up everything to move out-of-state with me. Fact is, I gave up everything too. But I didn't have affairs. Oh well. JJ, I just press on with the knowledge that it is only by God's grace that I have made it this far.

You know, it amazes me how there are women out there who, when they sense any weakness in a marriage, worm their way in and make the divide even larger until there is no turning back. An A is "no turning back". (I would still have my reservations, if I were you, as to whether there was a PA.) There was a whole lot of deception and some major efforts on your Hs part to cover up the relationship. What gets me is that it is so easy for them to lie. My H did the same thing. "I can't believe you don't trust me." "I can't keep living like this." "I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here." And all the time he knew...HE KNEW....and yet he wanted me to think that I was imagining things or blowing them out of proportion. My H maintained one private email address that only she knew. But I found out that he had been emailing other women who were supposedly "just friends" from that site as well.

Prior to the bomb falling, I went as far as to take his phone and text messaged the OW as if I were him. That's when I knew in my heart. But he did a great job of covering it up. Oh my goodness. Had it been summer vacation and we went through that, I probably would have had to make him leave. As I commit these things to writing, I feel a sense of healing. I cannot believe all of the things that he did to me....to us. I'm sorry to put so much on your thread. Thanks for listening. Thanks for understanding. And thank you for not judging. I am here if you need me. No magic cure. No quick fix. Only the painful truth (at least as far as I know from my own relationship). But I am here. My heart has been hurt and I know that you know that pain. No doctor has the cure. But he can prescribe some medications to help you sleep. Take care of yourself. You are a survivor. You have to be.

SS

Jilly,
Welcome to MB! Your story is almost identical to mine..it's kind of scary! My WH and I are both teachers and the same scenerio with the OW. But the OW and I were friends too because we all 3 worked in the same building. My advice to you is to be very careful....in trusting him or her. We were all friends outside of school as well and she would come to my house and we would go to hers. "We" were helping her with her problems etc....All of the time, over a year my H and she were having an affair. I suspected some emotional stuff, flirting, but NEVER suspected this. They would tell me I was crazy for suspecting things, She would ask me personal questions, (girl talk) about what my husband liked, they forged a friendship with her daughter and my step daughter. She invaded every part of my life but continued to say that nothing was going on. He was always on her side and made me feel bad if I said anything bad about her. I was an emotional mess!!! I felt so stupid when D-Day came for me because everyone in the building knew and didn't tell me. Lucklily I took a new position and don't have to go back to that aweful place!!!
You need to demand that one of them leave the building..preferrably your H. He has to have NO contact with her whatsoever!!!!

I wish you luck, YOU don't need to work so hard ant trusting him HE need to be working the hardest at making himself trustworthy. Remember...this was not your fault. It was a game for them in which they selfishly invited you and your children into. Be CAreful to trust too early, too much!

Justjilly,
It does sound like your H is truly remorseful for his actions and wants to get things on the right track. That is wonderful!!!!
It is so wierd how similar our stories are. This is a second marraige for both of us too, starting the same as yours. I was separated from my X, he was having serious problems with his. We had already worked together about 8 years, were good friends and began listening to each other, in the process, found out that we were each having feelings for each other but knew not to cross the line. Unfortunately we did, so I knew he was a sucker for a damsel in distress.
Actually, today is our 3rd anniversary and we are in recovery. He is doing very well with his SA, continuing to attend meetings daily, and dedicated to our marraige working. Finally, someone from his building called me with information that she was spilling out (hoping I would find out). He finally confirmed it. I asked him to leave with every intention of ending the marraige. Within the week, he checked himself into a recovery center for 30 days. As I learned about the addiction I came to understand all of the issues related to it. With lots of support from couselors we are attempting to make it work and so far so good. He has had no contact with OW, OW has made no attempt to contact him directly but continues to have contact with his daughter and his X (who supplies her with all of the info she wants as long as she is screwing me). OW has been transfered to another building next year. I also found out that OW offered to lend him money to move out. I did confront ther on the phone, she continued to plead that she was not a bad person, she loved him. She never apologized for hurting and manipulating me. I believe that it was all a game to see if she could get him away from me. He of course was loving the attention and the "free milk".
I have 2 boys and he also has 2 more boys. Our relationship has always been difficult trying to blend the children and the X's constant interfering.
I truly believe that a higher power was working in my corner when I was able to be transfered before D-day. Not only a broken heart from my H but from all of the people who were my family at school. I had worked there 14 years, and was a small staff so very close. I have no contact with anyone from there except my two closest friends who purposely did not know about the A because my H knew they would tell me if they knew. They almost lost their jobs because of things that happened on building grounds. This went on for over a year right under my nose.
I continue to work on my own recovery, but having a really hard time. This is still so new and dealing with his SA as our first priority, the A is really just now kicking in for me. I am looking forward to going back to work to keep my mind busy. The resentment towards him is starting to emerge and the hatred for the OW is so overwhelming. I am working really hard to stay one step ahead of myself if you know what I mean.

Well enough of all of that...Continue to build your relationship, talk about your fears, celebrate your successess but don't let your guard down yet!

Post deleted by justjilly

Jilly,
I wrote a huge reply but it got lost some how sooo here's a shorter version.. I too have a huge amount guilt towrds his XW and deserve it. I have told her. For some reason I believe that this OW will never take responsibility for her actions.

That song is a great one! Another song that really hit home for me right after d-day was 'Because of you" by Kelly Clarkson.

Thank you for listening and for your insight. We are strong women. I told my counselor today that as devestating as all of this was I do believe that it happened for a reason...Our relationship needed overhauling and we will make it better.

Post deleted by justjilly

Jilly - I used to have panic attacks, and anti-D's help them. You might ask your doctor about that. They stop them before they start.

Hang in there, I promise things will get better. It is awful at first, but the pain gets less and less.

Jilly,
I feel so bad for you! I'm sure that the anxiousness you are feeling is bringing on your attacks. I have not experienced them but have friends who have and I understand that they are very scary. I know that the stress you are feeling with everything that is happening and the fear of having the attacks are not helping. My H and I have been in MC from the very start of our relationship. It'a amazing to me how much money and time we have spent over the 8 years we have been together and all of the problems and complaints that we have had about our relationship is only now being resolved because of this A.
We took a long weekend away a couple of weeks ago, just the 2 of us. We had a great time just being together, renewed look at each other. We vowed not to talk about the A. I had been in so much turmoil about it a couple of weeks prior...some awful dreams and thoughts, that we did not want to trigger any of those during our time together. I did really well until we got closer to home and had to go thru the small town where the OW lives. In that split second everything came rushing back. IT WAS AWFUL BEING BACK IN REALITY!
I feel so bad that you have been dealing with all of these issues your whole life including your own A. In all of it I sense, that you have such convictions about affairs. I do too, even though I found myself within one. That is the part I hate.
In my S-Anon meeting last night we were talking thru Step 4, taking inventory of our own character flaws. Unfortunately, I have known lots of my flaws for a long time, I just didn't have a label for them..co-dependent. (Good book to read..."Codependent, no more.") We were supposed to ask ourselves what we are afraid to admit to ourselves the most. Right now, the shock of all of this is starting to wear off, I have been so focused on getting him through the recovery program, worried about his job, mainly recognizing that my life is unmanagable (Step 1) that I had put some of the anger about the A back. Well, it is beginning to surface and my resentment is setting in. I love my H very much and do not want to end the marriage. I have told him that I am committed to us but...I feel myself becoming more detached, cold, not letting my heart open because of the fear of opening too much. He knows from my first marriage that I struggled with opening my heart again. That is what I am afraid of the most that I will not be able to let go and open up, trust him and let go of the resentment. As much as I know about the addiction and the role it played in the affair, I still cannot let go of the fact that he made concious choices knowing that what he was doing would hurt me.
Get some sleep, keep talking to your husband. sounds like he is a great listener and wants to make you healthy again. Mine does too, just struggles with his self-worth, shame and guilt over it.

Jilly...where are you? Just wanted to know if you are okay...?
2for2

Post deleted by justjilly

Glad to hear you are okay. I understand about taking a break from being on MB. As much as it has helped me sometimes it does get me down, too. Sometimes the stories are so heartbreaking and makes me feel like there is no hope for us staying together, but then I read the good ones and feel like we will be okay too. I feel sad because I feel like we will only be okay, it will never be the same. I know that I never want what was happening during his acting out with the SA, but will I ever feel the same about him as before. I know that he can sense my pulling away and I try to reassure him that I'm not but at the same time I also feel like I am lying to myself.
I am just tired of living in this right now. I do feel better since I have been back to work, I have no time to think about things, so I can't dwell on the bad things so much. I work in a year around school so we started this week A transition to a new school is really difficult and stressful but it will be good for you to be away from those triggers. It was the best thing for me!!!! He is very nervous about going back to work and I worry a lot about it concerning the SA. Stress is not a good thing, but I believe that he will be okay. He does still have some close people there who will look out for him.
Are you still taking your trip?
Glad you're back!
2for2

I believe my H has made the turning point and realizes that what he did was incredibly wrong and hurtful and that he wants to make it up to me by being a better husband."

I have seen a huge different in my H this week. We have had lots of time to talk about things that happened with the OW. He hates talking about it but it does make me feel a little better somehow. He is learning about all of the rotten things that the OW was doing to me that he was not seeing. I believe that he is understanding how and why I hate her so much. As devastated as I was about his involvment with her, the biggest part of my anger was directed at her for all of the terrible manipulative things she was doing and saying to me. He continually says how lucky he is to have someone that was at least willing to learn about the SA despite all of the hurt of the A. I think he is finally realizing the amount of love I have for him.

OW got transfered to a different building this year. Thank You God! I know she is having contact with my SD, I don't like it but her mother allows it and there's not much we can do. She has no contact with her or OWC when she is with us. She doesn't know about the A, she only knows that we can't be friends with her anymore.
My S (15) and SS (16) both could see what was happening. They wanted her to stay away from us. My son knows about the A but I'm not sure what his boys know (other one is 13).
My S is very angry with my H. They are just now beginning to talk a little but he is very protective of me and wishes that I would have left the marriage. My youngest S (10) doesn't know a whole lot of it. He was upset by my H having to be away from the home, their relationship has actually changed for the better.
Did you catch all of those kids??? 5 between us...4 boys, one girl!
Where are you going on vacation? Are all of the children going with?
Thanks for listening and posting replies, I think that you are the first person that has a story so similar to mine. I hope that it is oksy with you to keep replying. Your positive outlooked has helped soooo much. Thank You.

Post deleted by justjilly

Have YOU APOLOGIZED TO THE BW? YES...your H's former W.

I am very truly sorry for your pain....but you both hurt others also to get to this marriage.

I am sorry...I do not buy the few paragraphs you wrote:

"She says because my H and I have been together so much longer and married because we loved each other makes it different. She says she is in our corner and wants us to make it. She also said that she didn't plan on being kind to the OW if she ran into her. She said because the OW hurt her son and our daughter and me and my H. That the OW hurt our family and potentially could have caused a D for us."

just sounds like justification to me. very very bizarre and wierd.

I am glad your meds are working for your heart rate.

If this marriage is to truly heal, then forgiveness must also be sought BY BOTH OF YOU TO THE FORMER H AND W YOU WRONGED. If all is to bode well. Karma train. karma.

I think in getting right with each other, you must get out from behind this "stuff" I saw in your writings...yes, it's still some fog. some leftover affair fog.

I tell the truth. what I see and what I read.

Imho, it's easy to break a boundary like fidelity if you've broken it before...my xh is very unfaithful to his new wife (from the affair) and they've only been married two years. It's like if you've done it again, when why not?

This is why I think forgiveness must be truly sought. No more rationalizations WHY IT'S OK THAT YOU TWO HAD AN AFFAIR AND MARRIED...no more of that stuff. You did marry. And you two should work together to make it right.

Correct the problems in your marriage from the BEGGINNING TO THE PRESENT. That means first forgiveness from those wronged. Then work on the issues that have made him yet again a WH. It really sux being a BS doesn't it? I know. I have had the panic attacks..the racing heart rate. I remember hooking myself up to an ekg machine at work and my coworkers (docs included) marvelled at how high my hr suddenly jumped up to and how my bp rose alarmingly during one of them.

Move to a different school system. sorry but this is what is needed. Do wht it takes. Don't let another affair rip another family apart. Learn from the past and apply to the future.

And please begin with a marriage cleansing...from the ground up.

Forgiveness heals so many wounds that YOU MAY BELIEVE WERE HEALED ALL ALONG...BUT MIGHT NOT REALLY HAVE BEEN.