I've already posted on another topic, so I thought I'd come here and intro myself.

DDay was 8 weeks ago. It wasn't WS's first offense, so I had a hard time understanding why I was so hurt...and mad!
Previous As happened almost 20 years ago, multiple times. But I found out 10 years later when we seemed to be doing really well; both active at church, things looking up.

A family emergency began taking W out of state nearly every weekend. It soon became 3 days (F-S-S). After a year, WS admitted to being attracted to a neighbor in the other state. OMW started calling and threatening WS and me. WS wrote NC letter (registered mail no less) and sent it off. This long before either of us found this web site.

Things looked good after that till about late Feb/early Mar. WS became more distant, spent less time at home, more visits out of state. WS's tone of voice changed, as did her level of tolerance for anything of mine. If I said anything at all, it was met with resistance. Around friends and family, derogatory comments began to flourish. When I was home, WS had someplace else to be and vice versa.

When I asked, I heard the "...but I'm not IN love w/ you" speech. That's when I began to snoop. I work for a cell phone company and so I looked at her work phone records, found a number, Googled it and came up with the family neighbor. Looking further revealed emails, IMs, pix, stories and poems (all "erased") Found all this while WS was on a family visit... and right next door...I was born at night, but not last night!

I put it all down on paper, in order of occurrence. (10:28pm- 26 minute call; 11:03 - emailed pic that I took; 12:02am- 6 minute call...)

She joined me the next night at our cabin for a night "together" and I laid out what I had. Later found out that WS talked to OM on the way to see me, and on the way home from seeing me. WS also called him and talked 22 minutes 2 days later, then called me a minute after and said "I want a divorce"

A week later I told WS to move out unless she was willing to work on our R. She vanished for 48 hours, then sent me an email telling me not to feel badly about "blowing up" at her (yeah, I shouted) because she "needed it". Last verifiable C with OM was 1 minute call that morning, 15 minutes before the email to me.

Rest is like clock work...withdrawal - 3 weeks of ******, getting better. Agreeing to "work on our problems" - daily, but not much movement. "Can't we just look to the future? We can't change the past." You all know the list, so I'll skip it.

DDAY plus 29, found this sight and began reading and soon after actually started eating and sleeping again. I can even talk to people at work without crying...

Today I printed ENQ, PH, LBQs, REI, and all the BC. This weekend, I want to present it to her as a way of "working on our problems". We have a 4-day weekend coming up next week, so we'll see. Maybe we can begin talking for real...or maybe I'll just end up fishing alone.

Sorry so long, you know how it goes…

Welcome to MB.

Congrats on posting. I know it's difficult to share your story with others and seek out advice.

Please copy and paste your post over onto the Infidelity - General Questions II board as it is the most active place here. You'll get more responses over there.

I'd drop the repeat offender stuff. If she had an affair 20 years ago that you never properly recovered from, never affair-proofed your marriage and then proceeded to develope a friendship that converted into a love affair I'd hardly characterize her as a serial cheater....YET...based upon those facts alone.

If she is bi-polar or borderline personality disorder...then that is more significant.

Sounds like she is home and wants to recommit. It's going to take time. You won't likely be that able to "work our your problems" over a weekend. The MB plan envisions this taking a year or two to figure out.

No Contact is the first order of business. Without it, it is impossible to rebuild your marriage. NO more trips home without you. I don't care how sick the family member is she gave up her traveling priveleges to home when SHE choose to undertake an affair.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

BTW,

About this weekend. Maybe instead you should surprise her and make this weekend about FUN not serious relationship talk. She's too early in recovery to make much progress anyway so attracting her back to the marriage by being fun, kind, empathetic, loving (but not overly needy) will go further than any talk ever could.

If you want to work on something, concentrate on YOURSELF.

Read the do's and don't list I posted in Longhorns Thread pinned to the top of this "just found out" board.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Thanks for the advice (see, I can pay attention)

You are likely right on target about the delaying anything serious and "heavy" for right now. Like most guys, I want to identify the prey and kill it quickly. Guess I just want the pain to stop...

On a lighter note, I've been reading everything on here for weeks, only reg'd a short time ago, our pastor actually knows Dr Harley from his days in the Twin Cities area. Even he din't know of this site, but he uses the BC in his counseling.

I may move it to GenQuesII, maybe not. I'm still reading stuff that is helping me more than posting can right now.Still, it is good to know that this is the place where everybody has been there, done that and got the tee shirt.

I hope you both have been tested for STD's. This is just one of the many consequences to affairs.