Hey all in April 6th my wife told me she wanted a divorce, I freaked out a little and yelled at her and called her a name I should not have, but it was the first time in 14 years I ever called her a name. I moved in to my moms that night I went back to get cloths and she would not let me in so I banged on the door she called the police, they did not arrest me because I did nothing wrong, I ended moving back in to the house and we got in another fight on the 11th and I told her to get out, it was enough for her to get an order of protection against me and get me kicked out of my house, now I am 6’4” and I am a big guy then I was 280 lbs now I am 220 lbs she is 5'2" and 120 lbs small. I had visitation I would call and make arrangements she would yell at me, I would cry, she arrested me for violation of the order of protection on the 17th for giving her a birthday present and having flowers delivered to the house, I did not even know what an order of protection was and I had no lawyer. She had me arrested again in may for asking about the bills and she took the kids over Memorial day weekend and would not let me see them, and her lawyer filled so many violations with the court that they took my visitation away from me. I miss my kids so much, and I miss my wife, I love them all so much and I want this pain to go away, how is it that she can just stop loving me after 14 years and I cant, what is the trick? Now there is no custody things in place there is no child support in place but still I pay all the bills for her so she can still live in the house and I give her 25% (2 kids NY State) of my pay in our old joint account, and I look at the account to see if its low I put more money in to it if I have it, for the first 3 weeks of the order of protection I slept in my car, I did end up moving in to my mothers house. I do not hold any bad feelings toward my wife at all. I will never hold any bad feelings towards her, I love her and always will, I do not want a divorce but it looks like it does not matter what I want, I have not seen my kids since May 21st and I am crushed over this. I have had not communication with my wife since before then also, I have called to try to get mediation and she refuses. She is a stay at home mom has been since our first son was born he is now 8, she is accusing me of having an affair with an old friend of mine now she is single and I am single and I have not had any contact with her at all, her husband and my wife though are in constant contact and her husband has a girlfriend he moved in to there house the week after my old friend and him broke up. I have gone to therapy and they will not take me anymore because I don’t have a goal. I miss my wife and my kids I cant stop thinking about them, I am sending her flowers again today and I am sure I will be arrested for it but I don’t know how to turn off my love for her. If anyone can help me figure this all out please help I am desperate, and still in love.

Also it looks like I might get visitation back on the 24th but I am afraid to take it, she calls the police for requesting visitation. Also she had the court order 2 physiological evaluations and they both have come back clean. Her and her lawyer just keep playing the im crazy and trying to kill myself card because I wanted to be alone a couple of nights because I was so upset about things I went to where we honeymooned one night and the other night I just wanted to spend the night in the woods away from everyone. I still want to be away from everyone.

Tmorford...you have a goal.

If you choose to have it.

To save your marriage.

You get a lawyer...and you find out all you can on what you are legally required to do and not do. Do not do that which you are not legally obligated.

Find out if you can write letters to your children...if allowed by the court order...and you get your lawyer to challenge harassment by false RO's...and you clear your head and get in this thing to really know what exists...

You are not alone. Many have been in your shoes...I have not read a single thread, ever, of remorse for having fought for their marriage.

Stop flowers...read up on Plan A...you suspect an affair...many red flags, so you're not nuts...snoop...spend that flower money on a PI to find truth...Plan A is about staying in reality and bringing it with you.

You are trying to remove the pain by being away from everyone...know this...and do not act on it. Your pain is inside you and you carry it with you...

Read all the articles on this website and study relationships...how they work...find out what you didn't know before...

You don't turn off your love...you turn off your addiction. You are addicted to your wife...and you can't get to the real love underneath. Be strong for you...and from your posts, I'm thinking maybe for now, be strong for your children. Strong is not bashing yourself, challenging the system or delaying (which you will if you are arrested again) visitation or removing it as a choice.

Find truth, TM...you can do this. You are capable, whole and complete...God made you marvelously...there is nothing defective in you...believe this and act from real love, not addiction and not fear...which is what is behind addiction.

Try to get to an Al-Anon meeting...open yourself up for all the help in the world...people will help...people will offer their best...choose what you want and leave the rest...running from everyone is running from love and understanding...reach out when you want to retract.

You can do this.

LA

I found your reply in the divorcing forum, and I copied something you wrote from there...

"She called me a narcissist but I talked to my therapist about it and she seems to think I am the opposite of that,"

I learned, in your shoes, where you are now, that one is as off kilter as the other...you are not defective...you have adopted the idea you are not lovable unless others (your wife and children) love you.

This is part of Plan A...understanding you ARE lovable...and to love yourself is NOT narcisscism.

"I don’t really like myself. I don’t really care what people say or think about me, I am kind of use to the way people are. They are going to say bad things even if there is nothing bad to say. I cant communicate with her at all"

People have good and bad behaviors...know the difference. God didn't make no junk, anywhere, anytime. All humans are marvelously made, separate and equal.

You now have another goal...learn to love yourself, like yourself...as you were created...

Getting love from the outside in is backwards. Learn love fills up and overflows...that's how humans live honestly, respectfully, without manipulation or earning love...

I'm so glad you're here...truly. Your life can change forever...

I believe in you.

LA

easiest way to fall back into love? Fall back in love with yourself first. Dont pretend that you love yourself. make it a point to let everyone know that you are in love with yourself and are making yourself a better person for you, not for the other person.

In my experience I fell back into love with the things I used to love to do before I married her, walking, hiking, reading, running, biking and now I have a new goal as well, being the best father to my kids that I ever can. Its not about your spouse, its about you and what you need. Mine needed to run off and screw people 1 month after she asked me to leave, 2 weeks after she filed the seperation agreement, on my birthday no less. So I know where you are coming from. I mean hopefully it wont come to the other person cheating, but it sounds like they already are.

My advice is to just let go and go find yourself again. You sond like you had a lot of fun before, now go out and do those things for yourself.

Where is the link to the plan A? I would like to see it, I know I need to love myself its always been difficult to me since I was a child, my father left 3 months before I was born, and I was blamed for it for a long time until I could understand that it was not my fault. I will work on what you say.

As for a PI there is just no money for it, I only make $3200 a month and give to her $2800 a month to live in the house and for support for the kids. She cleaned out the accounts right before she left, so there is no saving either.

Now as for screwing everything the 1st month etc.. I did none of that, I have many "offers" I refuse to take them, I don’t think its right to do not until I am at least divorced even then I am not sure if I want to for sometime, now I am not gay at all I am just hurt about this, I have been accused of this on and off though out my whole marriage and this last time she did not believe me that I did not do anything, of course the husband of the person I was accused of was in constant contact with my wife, lying to her. I miss my wife and I don’t feel anyone can take her place.