Hello,

I'm moving my thread to this one as it's more appropriate. My H had been in a very depressed state for about 2months Jan-Mar. He would come home and stare at a wall for an hour. Clipped words (I don't care, it doesn't matter....etc).

In early march came the I don't think we're "in love" anymore, but I still love you. About a week later i found a receipt for a choc. latte from Barnes and Noble for a date and time he was supposed to be playing poker with some co-workers. I asked him if it was his and he crumpled it up, said No and put it in his pocket. Earlier that day (2 days after their meeting) he tried (failed) sex w/me. I couln't sleep that night and looked at the cell phone records the next day. Lo and Behold there were numerous calls to two local numbers i didn't recognize.

I called the numbers; one was for her work and the other her cell phone. I called him while he was on his way home from work and told him I knew about her. He said she was just a friend, but we'd discuss when he got home.

He's admitted to kissing her but no further. He was "incredibly attracted" to her. She told him that she was diagnosed with cancer 5 yrs ago and her H (3rd i believe) hadn't touched her since. My H was so protective of her against her. He said he wanted to work out our marriage and we started MC a few days later. We went right into a honeymoon stage. I took responsibility for turning my back on him during health issues i was having (being tested for cancer as well). He went on antidepressants and he had further ED problems.

She works as an admin girl at his work; he has to pass her desk every time he has to use the bathroom there. She told him that she'd accepted a transfer to a different place (off the site where he works). We're considering moving next year. I did not expose to anyone except his mom (who is very supportive OF ME!) I'm hesitant to expose at work because he could lose his clearance and present/future job aspects.

He hates talking about the whole thing,but is showing remorse through his actions and affirmations. He still insists that it wasn't consumated. Not sure where to go from here or what to believe.

He is now overseas (defense contractor) until Dec. He'll be working everyday 12 hr/7 days a week. We e-mail back and forth several times a day and he usually calls at least once a day. When he gets back we're looking into a transfer out of state to put the whole mess behind us.

Dorry and WAT have been extremely helpful so far.

I would put in a phone call to her husband and tell him about the affair. An affair does not have to be "consummated" to be an affair, though. And he would lie about that anyway if it were so.

Telling her H greatly increases the likelihood that the affair ends because you will have 2 people watching from both ends. Your H can contact her at will while he is out of town, but it won't be so easy if her H knows. They may still be in contact NOW, which is often the case.

Exposure to her H is the MOST EFFECTIVE thing you can do to kill this affair and keep it killed. After that, I would focus on Plan A. You do have a HUGE PROBLEM, though, because he travels for a living. That is an OPEN INVITATION to an affair. Dr. Harley recommends that married couples never take traveling jobs because they are so devastating to marriages. The odds of an affair are dramatically increased.

ML

MOW allegedly filed for divorce about a month ago. I'm not sure if i can find how to contact OWH. OUR relationship seems to be making much headway. I mentioned "when he falls back in love with me" during a conversation a couple of weeks ago and he gave me a confused look and asked what I meant. I reminded him about "the speech" right before D-day and he honestly couldn't remember it...is this too soon to come out of the "fog?" We've read HNHN and 5 Love Languages together right after MC started (about 1 wk post D-Day). We've both been avoiding LB and have been fairly consistent with trying to meet ENs.

I feel like we're on a roll and progressing and am afraid to put a damper on it.

If he's not in contact with her, he won't even know until later - much later - when you tell him.

If he is in contact, that is a very good way to find out, IMO. Even if he does not let on directly that he knows, if he were to suddenly become angry, withdrawn, not make progress, or be 'off' in some way, you would have an answer.

For $15-20 you can do an Intelius search on her, that may turn up her husband's info. This is important enough that if that doesn't work, you should come back and brainstorm some other ways of finding him.

Your OW is/was married, and you should capitalize on this.

VS, here is the thing you will find. The MOW probably has not filed for D at all. In the meantime, that door is open to your H and as long as it is opened, he can hold out hope of a resumption. This fact will KEEP him in the fog much longer.

Let's say that she has filed for D, though. That leaves the OWH in the dark about the affair but if he knew - and he has RIGHT TO KNOW - he might have the same opportunity to save his marriage that you have had. That benefits all of you.

Just know that SECRECY aides and abets an affair, exposure kills them. The chance of a resumption is always much greater if this secret is held. So, in effect, by not telling him, you are aiding the AFFAIR, because affairs thrive on secrecy.

The OWH has a RIGHT to know about this and should be notified so he can protect himself from your H and his W and have an opportunity to save his marriage too.

Sure, exposure makes the WS mad in the short term, but they get over it. The long term benefit of telling the OP spouse more than compensates. In other words, your marriage can survive some short term anger, it can't survive an affair.

hire a PI to determine if this filing for a divorce an actual fact... and also to determine OW's husband's ID ... just in case....

knowledge is power

does not mean you need to act on it ... but hold an ace up your sleeve

Pep

I'll try to get OWH info. BTW, if they're (WH and OW) not in contact would this give them a prompt/excuse to resume contact?

people who are in affair-mode make stooopid choices without reason .... they own it...

you do not

Look for your state or county records website. I found OW's marriage and divorce info there for free (just dates and case numbers). Then you can go to the county courthouse where the divorce was filed to get copies if you want them -- it's public record.

How do you know they are not in contact? And yes, sometimes they do contact each other when exposed. The exposure is the blow that sinks the Titanic, and the crew mates meet on the deck before the ship sinks. But, exposure sinks the ship so it is inconsequential. Exposure is RUINOUS to affairs and that is what you want.

I would just emphasize that it doesn't matter if she has filed for divorce, her H still needs to be told. This might be the information he needs to save his marriage.

Can you look up her name in the phone book and call and ask for her H? You might be able to find his name at www.peoplefinder.com

I have their address and number; i just don't know if he's still living there. I asked a friend of mine if she would call and try to get contact info. She wants to know what to say to him if he's actually there.

the guy has a criminal record...soliciting a prostitute 3 yrs ago. Am I being paranoid, or does this mean I could put my family in danger by giving my contact information? Meaning, that if he's already gone and done something illegal, what would stop him from doing something else? My H is out of town til Dec. Would the guy try to "hurt" my H through us?

BTW, i've e-mailed scheduling to try for an appt with Dr Harley.

VR, he will probably be grateful for the call. Soliciting a prostitute does not a violent person make and why would he do anything to you anyway?

If your friend can get ahold of him, ask her to tell him that his wife has had an affair with her friends husband and her friend needs to get ahold of him. Have her ask if you call him right back.

was the prostitute a man or a woman?

I served on a jury where this came up ....

if it was a male prostitute.... they may very well be filing for a divorce ... if it was a female prostitute , it is slightly less likely this would cause a divorce

can you find out?

Pep

I don't know if it was man or woman. I'm going to have my friend call him on Monday.

BTW, what are the sign of the "fog" lifting? I feel like my H has been plan "A"ing me for the past couple of months.

I would call it Plan G'ing.

G is for guilt.

After the first 2 months of unrelenting coldness, my then-WH took me out to dinner and on outings more than in the previous 5 years put together. I think he was trying to keep it fair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Does the guilt mean he's coming out/out of the fog? Is it a good sign?

I wouldn't guess he's coming out of the fog, just maybe in a different patch?

It is a good sign anyway, because the more attached he is to you, the more he is thinking of you enough to do things for you, the more likely he is to get off the fence on your side once he grows tired of fence-sitting.

Odds are you will have to go to Plan B - most do - but the more dependent on you he has become, the bigger the shock will be, and likely the sooner he will come home.

This is what I mean by plan "A." This is fairly typical of how he's been acting talking to me. It feels great, but i'm afraid of getting vulnerable again.

"Dearest VRS(Love of my Life),

Good Morning Lover. I hope you slept well. I did. Still not 100%, but it was the best night's sleep I've had since I got here.

It's been cool the last couple of days. It has barely broken 110. Might need to break out a jacket.

Had three Guinni and an ISOM RyJ last night over at the "base pub". They had a couple of actual Irish women serving the beer! I have no idea where they got them or why they were there. Neither was attractive.

Finished two different books yesterday. I had a work book and a home book. I didn't even get them mixed up.

I love you and stuff.

Give my love to the schweine.

Schmoooooooch!"

I'm making cookies for his care package. If you have suggestions for other things, i'd appreciate it.