Hello, I have been a lurker around here for a few months since I found out about my wifes affair. I am looking for some help on what to do next.

Here is my background and current situation.

I have read most of the marriage builders principles (plan A, plan B, emotional needs etc.) and have spoken with Steve H on the phone. I have not lately due to financial reasons.

My marital background:
Wife and I had been together for roughly 5 years before getting married 1.5 years ago. We had some arguments about minor things but always worked through them. Around 4 month s ago my wife started acting distant and would get mad at me for everything (walking in the door wrong etc.), at the time she was training for a fitness contest and dieting heavily so I wrote it off as being crabby due to the diet. This went on for a month until I told her I was sick of having a wife I brushed my teeth with and slept with because she went to work and then came home and went to the gym for 3-4 hours. This led to crying and having my suspicians I asked her if she was having an affair. She said yes. I was crushed and did not know what to do. The next week we did nothing but fight, and it eventually led to her saying she was going to leave and me thinking that was the best since I was going to have nothing to do with a cheating wife (Looking back on things after learning about MB, this is not helping me now). I later find out she moved in with the ***head she was having an affair with.

We have been apart now for almost three months. Something like two weeks after she left she called me crying at work, because her car would'nt work etc. and just needed me to be with her and if their was any way we could work on things. It just so worked out the night before I wrote her a letter saying I wanted nothing to do with her unil she left the enemy. I never emailed it, but had it saved on my PC. So I told her about it when she called, she went back to are house, read it, and went on her way. This I think hurt my situation.

A day or two later I was at the MIL and I found out she got in a fight with the enemy and so that's why she called me since she was desperate. Atleast that is what I think.

Since then she has spoken to me mostly on Monday's for some reason via short emails, and one other time just recently after going to a music festival and saying she had no where to go. I told her if the enemy was out of the picture I would be willing to work on things. After the call she went silent.

I have talked to Steve twice myself (he first time just to gain my sanity and the second time to get a plan so I could get my WS to talk to Steve). It worked, and she spoke with Steve, was given some work to do by Steve.

I spoke with her today (I called her), and she said she had not done the worksheets but that Steve had told her she does not have a romantic love for me, she had soem other type of love?????? I told her this could change. She also says she wants to move on with her life and I need to stop wasting are time and she kept bringing up the that she hates my family (she never did like them, even though in my eyes they did nothing wrong to her, she says she just does not fit in). I told her this hurt me, and she quickly said "not hate, I just don't like them and never have". This family comment was brought up multiple times. I also pointed this out to her that she keeps saying she does not like my family etc., but she never says she does not like me. I would answer her babble the best I could and kept telling her we can work on this or that and have something better than before.

I am soon to be 30 and she is 31 and we have no kids.

Exposure: I fully exposed to both families within a couple days. Since then my family has not spoken with her, and to my knowledge her one brother will not speak with her, and the other sister has sent me an email saying she is sorry about verything and has told my wife that if she wants a lecture, she knows where to come. Her other brother is a Pastor out east, and I have spoken to him and my sister in law. They both are very sorry and say she is very indifrent on the phone with them. He also filled me in on divorce and the christian church and how I have a right to one since she stepped outside the vows.

I had been doing good and would have 3 good days and 1 bad day and have felt like there is hope, but after today I just feel like I am wasting my time and need to get the hint my marriage is over and need to move on. Here I am a grown man and this situations till brings me to tears.

So I am looking for advice. Being young without kids do I scrap this marriage or do I continue fighting (my family once suported me trying to work things out, but they do not say anything, but I think they think I should move on)? I still love her, but this has made be question everything I do in life. From my marriage, to my job, to my values, basically flipped my world upside down. If you do feel I should fight (I kinda feel like I want to atleast for a while longer) what should be my next moves? To my knowledge she still lives with this enemy.

Thanks!

LHF,

I know what people will say about this post but oh well.

If I didn't have two children with my FWW I would have walked out that day and never looked back.

The stronger the ties that bind the harder it is to walk away.

The problem is that you love her. Even if you do get a D you will still have the pain and agony of this. It does not go away with a D.

Your M was a little over a year old when she had the A.

Most people here say that it takes two good years to get to feeling recovered.

That is two years of hard work my friend.

I wish you the best in this. Everyone is different you can chose to fight or you can pack it in.

Your world will be flipped upside down for a while but when it gets right side up you will be a better person.

Sit down and think if you have it in you to work on this for the next 2 years or so and that is if your WW is working with you.

I don't know if this helps but good luck.

Backpedalling would be tricky, but maybe you can get some good advice for easing back into a Plan A for a while.

When you do a Plan B, you really want it to be a full-on dark Plan B, not with her knowing she can email you every Monday, or call you when her car breaks down.

Unless someone has a better idea, I think I would recommend calling or emailing her, telling her you want to work on the marriage. Say that it's not ok with you that she is with someone else, but maybe ask if she can get together with you in the next week.

Then make it something fun, that will stir up all her old good memories of the two of you, and don't bring serious talk into it unless she brings it up herself. Just be witty and charming, reminding her of why she fell in love with you in the first place.

If she gave you the opening, say something like, "I love you, I believe in our marriage, and I know we can make this work, as soon as OM is out of the picture." Then drop the subject.

She is still pretty conflicted, even though you haven't done a Plan A. That is all to the good.

Anyway, that's my .02, and hopefully somebody will be along pretty soon with a nickel, or even a quarter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

lhf - It would seem that since you have decided to post, you also have decided that you would like to have your wife back. If I am wrong in that assumption, then please correct me.

Your "screw ups" are nothing to worry about considering the fact that she chose to do much worse. At any rate, they are not fatal.

From the above quotation from your post, I also assume that you are a Christian. So my first question before attempting any advice would be, is your wife a Christian? If so does she consider herself a "born-again" Christian, since there are many types of people who call themselves "Christian," and I'm trying to get an understanding of her belief, as well as yours as it, too, will come into play.

God bless.

I consider myself a Christian. I do not go to church on a regular basis, but all my morales are based on Christian beleifs. I thought my WS was a Christian also as she was raised this way, always tried to get me to choose a local church to goto, and we were married in her church.

I do consider my marriage vows as something very serious under my faith but I am losing steem on how long I need to keep trying.

And no, my WS is not born again.

lhf - Welcome to the board and to posting, brother. I am sorry that it is infidelity that brings you here, but this is an "oasis" of information and support when going through this terrible tribulation.

Suffice it to say, with respect to your wife, that it is doubtful at this time that she is a Christian. If she does not consider herself "born-again," then it is likely that she has never had a true conversion experience and has not surrendered her life to Christ. In short, the Scripture is quite clear that unrepentant adulterers are part of the "named" group of sinners who will NOT be in heaven. If one is not in heaven, or headed their by way of Christ's covering blood, they are NOT a Christian in the true sense, but only by appropriation of the "name" for their own purposes or appearances.

On the offchance that she, at some point in the past, did have a saving faith, let me ask you another question about her. Has anyone, her brother, local church pastor, solid believer, etc., talked with your wife about what the Scripture SAYS about both adultery and about obedience to God's commands no matter what we might be "feeling??"

As most on MB will tell you, I am a strong believer in biblical based counseling for believers in Christ. If obedience to God is "not enough," then why would someone think obedience to anyone but their own "wants and desires" should be obeyed and their own "feelings" be denied.

If YOU are a born-again believer, then it would appear that you are currently in an "unevely yoked" marriage. Christians should not be in such a marriage, but if they are, they are supposed to stay in that marriage unless the unbeliever chooses to leave (abandonment) or commits adultery (the only real reason the Jesus gave for divorce between believers, let alone divorce between unbelievers or in and unequally yoked marriage).

Suffice it to say that your wife has apparently met both criteria....and the CHOICE is yours. You do not "have to" choose divorce, but you can.

Emotional Needs are a real part of our God-given makeup as humans. But "love" itself is a choice, an "action verb" that someone chooses to do. The "feelings" we tend to call "in love" come long after the choice TO love. They are not hidden. They do not come first (unless you are calling infatuation love, and puppy love is not Love). But the feelings come in response to the action of "being loved" by someone else, and in turn cause them to return loving actions that result if "feelings of love" in the first person.

Jesus did not die on the cross because he "felt tingly in-love feelings for us." He did because he DID love us despite our total adultery from him because of sin AND because he chose to submit his human will to the Father's will in humble obedience. Make NO mistake about it, Jesus DID NOT (as the part of him that was fully human) WANT to go to the cross (and to endure the trial and scourging before being nailed to the cross to die). That is evident in that 3 times he prayed to the Father for "another way" to provide salvation to mankind, but in each case he surrendered his will (of equal power and authority as being fully God) to the Father's will in acceptance of his "role" to extend God's love to mankind, despite the fact that they did not deserve it.

So, the first issue that must be addressed with your wife is her relationship with God, since she claims the name of "Christian." In these matters of blatant sin, God is very clear. It is "black and white," "right and wrong," and God leaves NO "wiggle room" for a WS to rationalize or justify their choice. The ARE sinning, first and foremost against God. They ARE also sinning against the BS, but in the "order of precedence," sin against God is the MAIN problem that we must all confront in our own lives.

Until she "gets right with God," there is, in my humble opinion, little chance for recovering your marriage. The "problem" will rest with who, or what, she chooses an "authority" that is higher than "self" or "self desire." It then becomes an issue of her personal Standards and Boundaries and whose "set" she adopts as her own. Obviously, from her current actions, she has NOT chosen God's, despite any claims to be be a Christian. God DOES NOT endorse or support willful sin.

So, my first piece of "advice" is to have someone begin a Matthew 18:15-20 intervention with the objective of restoring her to fellowship in the faith. Once that is accomplished, you will have to choose divorce or marriage based upon her then "current" relationship with God and surrender to both God and to you as her God-given husband in matters pertaining to the roles God has ordained for husbands and wives.

In the meantime, as you go through this, YOU are going to learn a lot more about what it means to be a Christian, I can guarantee you that.




One last comment for you to think about. While these actions and attitudes are good, they do not make someone a Christian. Many think that "doing" these sorts of things is all it takes to actually be a Christian. But it does not and is yet another false lie from Satan to "pull the wool over the eyes" of people and keep them from a true saving faith IN Christ Jesus. In short, it's just another form of the lie that Satan told Eve, "God didn't really mean what he said." God did, and the path IS narrow and there is only ONE narrow gate by which we can be saved, and that is Jesus and accpepting as our personal Lord and Savior. Your own relationship with Christ will deepen and strengthen as a result of this tribuluation you are facing as you "seek to do God's will in your life" no matter how you might be "humanly feeling" at any given point. No, we don't like "going through this," but God has something much better in store for us as we submit to HIS will and Lordship of our lives.


God bless.

Has anyone, her brother, local church pastor, solid believer, etc., talked with your wife about what the Scripture SAYS about both adultery and about obedience to God's commands no matter what we might be "feeling??"

Not to my knowledge. We were married in a church where most of her family goes, but we moved some 60 miles away. I have not spoken to the Pastor of the church. So he has not spoken with her, and I do not have first hand knowledge that her Pastor Brother has either.

Everything I read about MB principles says there is not much hope as long as the affair is going on. Any ideas out there on how I can bust up this affair when she is living with him and I have already exposed to her family? I am going to try and get her to go out for dinner like a poster suggested, is there any other ideas?

Thanks!

I'm just bumping for you. I don't have any good advice, but think NSYN had some great ideas.

WW texted me late on Friday saying how she could not live without me etc and wanted to talk on Sunday. (Funny how I set up an appointment with an attorney for 8/1 to file for a divorce because I was tired of the situation and had thrown in the towel). Anyways we meton Sunday and she told me all these nicethings about us. She said she was willing to work on things, I gave her a list of things I needed POJA, STD Test, NC Letter, etc. she agreed and I let hermove back home. She slept in the other room.

Granted it has been only 2 days, but she almost acts like she is doing me a favor by being here. I told her if she did not want to be here, no one is forcing her and to please leave. That was last night.

So I call her at work today and we talk and I asked her if she spoke to the enemy (I used his name..should I or should I call him something else when talking with her), and she said yes she did call him this morning. I told her thanks for being honest, but if we are to have a succesful marriage, tehr must be no contact and at every contact that is made, we are back at square one. She also corrected my spelling in an email jsut tobe snotty with me... figure.

Anyways, I knwo she was not kicked out by the enemy, but left on her own free will. I do love her, but part of me really resents her, heck I was going to file the D because I had had it with her and basically had not spoken to her for much time for 3.5months as she abandoned are relatiosnhip.

I do want to save my marriage and know that it will be clear to me when I need to throw in the towel and I do know I can live without her, but right now I do not want to live without her.

So I am asking for help from you pros. How should I proceed. She seems very depressed, is currently sleeping, and cancelled what plans we had for tonight. Should I just go and do are plans without her (it was go to the gym together?). I know the depression is textbook for what is in the MB book. I think I am in plan A, so do I just take a beeting from her and let all the fog talk bounce off?

What i she continues to contact the otehr guy, do I plan B her and tell her to get out, or is taht a mistake?

Also, we are currently sleeping in seperate bedrooms, by mostly her choice, should I be encouraging us to sleep in the same bed, or let her bring that up. Also, with any SF, I am assuming I let her initiate anything which I am sure will be awhile (have not had any since this episode started :-( ).

Thanks!

I am not an expert. But, I think these are good signs, like she is back into the conflict stage of intimacy?(Right?) It goes, intimacy>conflict>withdrawal.

Seems like you brought her back toward conflict. Stay firm about NC. I am sure not every NC has worked perfectly the first time. Before SF, maybe you should see how important it is to her ala EN Questionnaire. If it is, you need to see how her SF EN can be fulfilled. Don't let her fence sit or cake eat. You should do all REC Activity together. If she doesn't go, then you don't. Stay in and come up with something that is fun but loafing.

Remember, you want to attract her. Show her she made the right choice by coming back.

Anyway, my 2 cents. Hopefully all works out.

Any thoughts?

You let her back too easily.

No contact with the enemy should have been a condition.

But that's water over the dam.

Young, short marriage, no kids.

Keep the appointment with the attorney.

Very un-MB like, give her an ultimatum > complete severance with OM immediately or you proceed with divorce.

In other words, cut your losses. If this wakes her up, good. Try to rebuild and consider a post-nup agreement > either of you engage in infidelity in the future, the faithful spouse has first right of refusal for all marital assets if the infidelity leads to divorce.

JMHO

WAT

Anyone else have advice?

You were not married very long and then she cheated on you. She even moved in with another man and she still did not find happiness. Now she found out that the OM did not make her happy either so now she is back.

It is kind of funny and sad in these cases how when a cheating spouse is afraid they are losing their spouse and that the spouse is moving on they pull them back into the pit of Hel! I wish I had an easy answer for you but I don’t.

Think very carefully about what you want out of life. Your WW has shown that she will cheat on you and ditch everything for another man. How sure are you that this will not happen again? Especially since she has the attitude that you are lucky to have her back? You do not have any kids and I can assure you that with kids it is a lot worse.

She is still contacting the OM. If it were me I would file and not look back since it is a short marriage and there are no children. I would not under any circumstances let her contact the OM without consequences. I filed for D with my WW and she also wanted to come back to the way we were.

You have to make the hard choice because you love her. No matter what your life is going to suck for quite some time. Just make sure you set firm boundaries or you will have a wife cheating since she knows you will put up with it and accept it. Tough call for you but don’t let her cake eat. My theory is if I can’t make her happy I want to let her go so she can be happy with a “better man” than me. The one thing I don’t want is an unhappy person that thinks it is OK to sleep with OM and destroy my life. In that case you are far better off without her.

LHF,

You need to "appear" strong. If she is too depressed to do things with you. You go alone. She needs to know your life will not stop because of her bad decissions. Let her know you want her to be involved, and if she declines... Off you go

She is morning the loss of her failed, or failing A. NC has to be inplace to get past that. If she continues to communicate with "the enemy" getting over the OM will not occur. Contact = continued emotional feeling for OM.

You are well within your rights to take any path you choose, but speaking from experience. Do not use the D word unless you are sure. Threatening without action, becomes crying wolf.

Plan A sounds like the answer if you want to save your M. But without an agreed NC, she is breaking no rules by contacting OM.

Once you both agree to NC, and she sends the letter. You can begin working on your M. If she then breaks NC, you have the option to move to Plan B without threatening D again.

Need some help:

WS has been back in our house for 3 weeks. We have been sleeping in diffrent rooms, talked to Dr. Harley twice, and I have been trying to follow MB principles with a plan A. She is still having contact with otherman.

Last night at about 3am I hear this beeping noise, it was her phone going off. I walked into her room and asked her what the heck is going on. Hse said the that he had called, but was drunk. I said what the heck are you doing, you know this puts us backwards and not forward. She then said she did not want to talk about it and wanted to go back to bed.

This morning while she is going to work when she came in my room what were you thinking last night. She then tells me "I was talking to "the enemy" and I still love him". This just sank my heart and I told her she had to leave. This was unnaceptable. So now I beleive she is going to move in with her Mom she says -- Probably going to move in with enemy.

I need some advice on what I should do tonight when she comes home from work. I know moving out will be a bad thing for us. Atleast according to MB if I am in plan A. DO I just go to plan B. The last three weeks I have been really good in my plan A.

The leave comment was a LB and I know that. I still want to make things work, but since she has been back part of me hates her now. And that part of me is growing every day.

Give me some advice before 5:30pm central time on 8/12/06.

Thanks!

U need a plan so you can let go. Right now the WS is toxic and you need to cut off all funding for the WS.

Do NOT let her take any family or things around the OM.

Do a complete background check on the OM. Let her mom know she is planning to use her mom as a springboard to go to the OM.

She c/b threatening t/g to the OM just to anger you or make you beg her to stay or it c/b true. U don't know but right now she is toxic so get her out of your home before she destroys you. Anyone who wants to go live with a drunk as a choice....is dumb.

NOTE: I edited this and took the sentence out about children. The rest of the info is pertinent.

L.

Wife comes home and asks me what she should do. Says her contacting other man is wrong and she is tired of hurting me. I tell her yes, contacting the enemy is wrong and even through all this crap, you know right from wrong and this is wrong.

She then goes up to bed to take a nap saying she feels like dying inside. Which she has said allot in the past three weeks since she moved back in.

So Orchid or others, should I tell her to leave or let her leave on her own? And how should I tell her? IE...Please leave, get the ****** out..?

Or if you think I should not ask her to go, what the heck should I do?

Thanks for the input as this board can be a life saver!

She feels like she is dying inside. She is tired of hurting you and contacting OM is wrong.

Ok....as you did agree with her. Then tell her to go get help. She may ask you how. Tell her you have some ideas but don't give those ideas until she asks for them. That way you will have her attention and curiosity. Otherwise the Ws c/b using that line to bait you into guilt.

As for asking her to leave....if that's what you need to feel separated from the guilt, then do so. If you can stomach it for a while longer until u figure out if the is pulling your leg by being a drama queen or honesty sorry, then let her stay. It is important u find out if the enemy is still in your home.

L.

Well she moved in with her mom. (Atleast she says she is moving in with her mom.). So I am pondering what to do now. Should I contact her or only let her contact me?

Before she left I told her she was making a mistake but I could not force her to stay.

Looks like plan B or an attorney or both?

Thoughts on a plan of action?

Thanks!