We married 10 years ago today. It has been a rough, emotional day. Husband still isn't home. He still isn't ready and most of the time acts like he will never be ready. My son asks everyday if dad is going to live at mamaw's forever. I tell him I don't know. It breaks my heart that my children miss him being at home as much as I do. H feels like things have been going well, but the way he feels hasn't changed. I need good advice on what steps I should take next. We have gone on dates, we have had family outings, we spend days together. It hurts so much that he doesn't feel he loves me the way a H should love his W. Like we are more friends who love and care about each other. What is the definition of marriage? Is it suppose to feel the way it does when you're dating? I don't think it is, but I don't know what he thinks it's suppose to feel like...
He is impressed with the progress I have made improving myself and the way I deal with things due to MB. But he wants to know why I didn't do it months ago, before he left and we wouldn't be in this situation. Why I didn't take it as serious 3 months ago when he told me he had thought about leaving? He's afraid the damage has been done and that it could be unfixable. If he thinks that the improvments I have made would have saved things 3 months ago, why can't they save things now? When is it too late?
I am 100% sure that H has not had an A but he shows so many of the signs. Seems now that he is worried that if he comes home, he will not get to go do things that he has been doing since he's been out of the house. Hanging out with people after work and such.

Okay, I gotta here more about your marriage. What were the things he complained to you about?

Also am I getting it right that the two of you have been together since you were 15?

Yes we have been together since our freshmen year of high school.. Main complaints were finances, jealousy, time and appreciation.

Over the last weeks I have done a lot of thinking and soul searching and found where I was at fault on these issues..I was a stay at home mom and he was working 7 days a week to pay bills and give us the things we wanted. I screwed up and got into credit card debt..I have gotten a job to help financially and also to help him not having to work 7 days a week..

I am working on my jealousy and trust issues. He has a friend from work (who is female) and he has confided in her about our problems..He has in the last few days told me that she is upset at rumors at work about them being together because it keeps her from being approached for dates.. and that she has actually had a few dates in the last few weeks..that made me feel so much better about the situation and feeling that it is not more then just friendship..

Time is to do with work and things he wants to do with his life.. Work, union, school..He is working full time and taking 3 college classes and he is very active in the union. planning on being president next year. he tells me he doesn't feel like he can offer me the time that I deserve and that I should find someone who can give me that..I don't feel that way, I want my husband and family..I want to work through this issue because I know that this is not something that is going to last forever..A divorce might not be forever, but it's meant forever..

Appreciation..I didn't tell him how thankful I was that he worked so hard so I could stay home with the children. I didn't tell him how proud I am of his accomplishments..I assumed he knew how I felt because I was doing things for him..I found out from suggestions in another post that men want verbal praise.. cleaning, cooking, and caring for children doesn't register.. they need to be told how great they are.. I send him a text message every day for the past 3 weeks telling him how proud I am of him, how thankful I am, hoping his day goes well, etc..I have never felt anything but proud of him in anything he has done..(except for leaving of course)


MB has helped me so much, and I've learned so much..I am thankful I found this site..I wish I had found it 3 months ago!

He may still be having an emotional affair with this woman. If that is the case, he will not get back his attachment to you, until they have no contact.

He might not even realize it is an emotional affair.

Yeah, I agree with that. Even though he feels it's only a friendship, he is connecting with her on a level that he isn't connecting with me. He says he never speaks badly about me to her and that he has taken up for me when she might mention something that he didn't agree with. Seems some days that he is thinking positively about the relationship and then the next day he is thinking negatively. He makes 180's from one day to the next. I can't help but think that it's his relationship with this girl( I say girl because she is 21) that keeps him from figuring out how he truly feels.

I feel that over the last 7 weeks he is not the same person I married. He isn't the same loving and understanding person. I have told him that I feel like the day he left, he turned into a different person and he shut himself off from me.

Our relationship over the last 15 years has been wanderful. We are best friends, lovers, supporters, we get along great, hardly ever fight..That's why I feel so badly that our relationship can be saved..Just have to figure out what it is that will turn his light switch back on!

Plan A is the place you should be. That is where you show him what a wonderful wife you can be, with no disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts.

I think he is definitely having an emotional affair. But he probably will deny it. He is sharing things with this woman that he should be sharing with you. He probably fell into this pattern accidentally.

Will he spend time doing fun things with you?

Yes, he has been spending time here at the house swimming and grilling.. We have been on dates, we have had family outings.. He comes over just to spend time here..

He can't stop all contact with this girl because he is union steward and he has to help her with problems at work. He has told me that he doesn't want to tell her he can't talk to her anymore because she is his friend and he doesn't feel like he has to, he's not interested in her. He says he doesn't want to be an a**hole..Which gives me mixed emotions because I feel like he's choosing her over me and our marriage..I offered a compromise by cutting down on contact with her outside of work..He agreed and is doing that..He has changed the password to cell account so I can't check it and they are talking from his mom's house phone..So I don't have any way of knowing exactly how much they are talking..I have to trust what he tells me.. My MIL hasn't been exactly honest with me..But she says he should be at home and she wants us to work things out..But when I ask her about him talking to her, she says he doesn't or not that she has noticed..When I was over there today I saw on her caller id, girl's cell # from lastnight..

What are some advantages of being separated? Does it cause irreversible damage? What is the success rate of a marriage after a separation?

It's not that he can't stop talking to her, he won't stop talking to her. He could quit being a union steward.

Changing his password and hiding phone calls doesn't bode well for your marriage.

He "doesn't want to hurt her" (GAG), but what about your feelings?

Exactly how I feel..I don't want to ask him to give up union steward because he really loves it and it's exciting to him..He always told me that he had nothing to hide, he just didn't think that it was important or that it was something I cared about seeing..Who deletes call records and text messages immediately after they receive them? I guess that's what always had me so suspicous, because he was not letting me see and was telling me I was invading his privacy..I don't know what to do with him anymore..Thanks for all your help believer..

"Who deletes call records and text messages immediately after they receive them?"

Someone who has something to hide.

ok, i cannot help my mouth here.. got to say it... what the h*ll does a 30 year old man have in common enough with a 21 year old girl to have such a "close friendship"?! PULEASE.. I'll tell you what it is... she is a nice young a** that strokes his ego to be seen with. I think he better decide what is more important: his family or some bimb... he is chancing a lot on a "friendship", an inappropriate friendship.

my ex is with ow who is about 7 years younger than him... ya wanna know why? because she is a young idiot who just drools on the ground he walks on, worships him because he is "older" etc... makes me gag. he uses her something terrible for the money she makes, for the fact that she will do anything for him, prances and follows him like some little puppy dog. it's ridiculous. what ever happened to having a REAL woman by your side who respects you, admires you, and is an equal partner in all ways? men like my ex are so self absorbed they can only be with people who constantly feed into thier egos. sure hope your husband isn't one of those! mlhb

Amen...MLHB

My WH is living with OW who is 17 years younger than him. She is M.

I filed D recently.

What in the world do they have in common? Like you said, she strokes his ego and he's loving it.

She's not much to look at, so I know that's not the reason why he's with her. She supposedly isn't rich, but can take care of herself, so I think that is the reason, she feeds his ego, and he got sick of the daily routine here, with the wife and kids. No responsibilties with OW.

Believer, I agree. WH has shared things with OW, that he should have been sharing with me! He lied to me for months, saying they were just friends. Like a fool I believed him. He never gave me a reason in the past not to. But all the time the A was going on.

He still won't admit to the A. Still says they are "just friends!"

Plueeze!!!!!

I don't understand what he is thinking.. His "group" from work consists of a lot of young 20 something single people..Without spouses, without children, who come and go as they please.. I have felt that he is envying that and wanting to experience that. We did our partying and running at that age before we had kids.. Thought we got that out of our system so we could settle down and have a family..Now it seems like I still want the family and he doesn't..He doesn't seem to be the same man that I married..I don't know who he is..

I hear ya.

Alot of people at WH's work are the same age as OW. Most single or D'd. I guess he hears their stories and I'm sure envies that.

We too did our partying before the kids, but I guess he missed that or got tired of me and the kids and the whole ball of wax, and now wants a "free" life with OW.

I have read blogs by some of his co-workers and most of what they talk about is wanting someone to be with..As far as sharing his marital problems with a 21 yo single mom, doesn't make much sense.. What does she know about marriage? What kind of relationship advice can she really offer? I thought that the way his kids light up when he visits or how my 21 month old daughter cries when he leaves or when my son asks when he's coming home, is he gonna live with mammaw forever, would open his eyes..He says he doesn't love me like a husband should love a wife..How should a husband love his wife? I thought that you love, care, support, friendship, admire, want happiness, want success..Am I wrong? He told me that is how he feels and what he wants for me.. HMM

I asked myself the same question. OW is 17 yrs. younger. Only been married a few years, no kids. What insight could she possibly give him?

I found out that was just his excuse to me, saying she was a good friend to talk to. The whole time they were having an A!

I was so gullible!

in my opinion and experience... it has NOTHING to do with what insite she is giving the sitch... wtf insite could she have at that age? N O N E! I am sure he talks to her and she agrees with EVERYTHING he says, hangs on every word, ooohhhss and awwwsss... all that crap. Strokes his ego, gives him the pity he is looking for... all the while he is crying on her 21 year old chest i am sure. sorry to be so blunt but i love how men justify these "friendships" with much younger women when all it is is an ego boost for him. the "look at me, i am 30 years old and can still get a 21 year old" what a bunch bs...

he's thinking with the wrong head obviously, that is why he is saying such stupid sh*t to you. i heard it all too believe me. well ya know what? i am 35 and look better, feel better, i am damn fine if you ask me! lol i take good care of myself, am very high maintenance. i could get some 20 something too if i wanted it. but.... and here is the clicker here... i actually want more than just a hot body or pretty face. i want the whole picture and that means someone who is close to my age, with my experiences, some life under their belt, etc... not some airhead who might have a tight body and look good on my arm and offers me absolutely nothing else. people who only want that, well, that says a lot about them. SHALLOW, SELF ABSORBED, NEED TO GET OVER THEMSELVES.

I'm going to go and smack your husband in the head, he is making me mad! mlhb

WH OW is nothing to look at. Very immature. I agree she is definitely stroking his ego. He loves that. And I never did it much.

I've been taking care of myself these last several months. Lost a ton of weight, so I have to say I am looking much better than when he left me. Everone has told me I look great. (Don't want to be conceited, but they have). Not that WH has noticed.

LOL mlhb!

My H's "friend" isn't all that either.. She's heavier than me, I don't think she is prettier than me.. I believe he would be trading down, isn't that how it's worded?

I have to say that it has crossed my mind that if he doesn't know if he wants to stay married to me, he doesn't deserve me.. I am a good wife, a good mother, a good friend, and I'm pretty easy on the eyes.. LOL

He told me 10 years ago he would love, honor, cherish, through good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, til death do us part..I trusted him, my family trusted him to his word..He has always been a high moraled person and I'm wandering where that went..Our kids deserve a family life..There is so much more and mother and father together can give their kids and I don't want it any other way..He see's everything with the kids being peachy..

H and me will forever be linked for the rest of our lives because of our children..Birthdays, holidays, ballgames, graduation, weddings, grandchildren, etc..