I know exactly what you mean. Everyone who knows of his A, can't believe he would do it. It is so unlike him. I think that's why I was fooled for so long believing what he told me, that they were just friends. I never imagined he would do this to me and the kids.

I told him the kids would suffer. He told me he thinks the kids are doing fine. He's not living with them though. He doesn't see them but a few hours a week.

My parents and MIL say they can see things that have changed in the kids. H does see kids almost daily..He will either come here or take them for the night so he can watch them in the mornings while I work..But he still thinks they are fine..It's the stuff he doesn't see when he's not here, like the baby crying or my son asking about him..

I really don't think there is a PA but I am positive about and EA..I have been thinking maybe it's a MLC..He shows signs of that, he just turned 30 in April and he's been hanging around with the young 20 yr olds..He lost his dad about a year and a half ago when he was 52..He really had a hard time with his own mortality then and has said ever since he doesn't expect to live past 50..

Bosbo-

Lemme lay this out for you because your story closely resembles mine.....down to the staying with MIL. (Which I think is BS....they're ENABLING this behavior).

He played the same EXACT card your husband is playing.....he didn't know what he wanted....blah blah blah.....he ended up coming back when his mother started putting the pressure on him.....and that lasted about 4-5 months....and then slowly I started to notice the same things......numbers on the cell phone....he first just put it under the OW's last name....and didn't spell it right...well that was a glaring beacon for me to look at it, because I'm weird about spelling/grammar. I asked him who it was, he told me, I got angry.....he explained it all away.

Then he had to help OW move......she'd bought a house.....he was gone, helping her move for 14 HOURS, and flat refused to pick up when I called the cell. He didn't drive his car home....he left it at her new house....along with his sunglasses and keys....he said he'd walk over there to pick it up. I was having none of that, because my gut was SCREAMING that something was wrong.....so I insisted that I drive him over, because I wanted to know where she lived.

Then another time, I was at a store across the street from where he works, and I happen to catch him pulling out and driving the opposite direction from our house. So I went by OW's and sure enough....there was his car in her driveway, but I didn't see her car, so I watched and in a few minutes I saw him come out and lock the door. I waited until he saw my car and pulled up beside me and he asked me "What the *F* are you doing???" I said "What am I doing?!?! What are YOU doing?" We both headed home and I ripped his head off about it. I was livid that he had a key to her house. He said "WE'RE JUST FRIENDS!!!"

Pretty soon I was getting the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you speech."

We ended up separating......so his affair was in full swing, although he denied it and told me I was crazy every time I mentioned it.

I did some serious detective work, and found the evidence that I needed. (I put a voice activated tape recorder on his phone line).

So, basically what I'm saying is red flags are going up all over the place in your story for me.

You need to start doing some detective work......how can you be 100% sure he's not having an affair??? Because you know his wearabouts after work??? That's not 100% of his time.

Even if he hasn't had sex with this person.....even if it is *JUST* an emotional affair....it can be EVERY bit as damaging as a sexual affair, and you're feeling that already......he's left you and his children.....and believe it's to facilitate talking to the OW......And she *IS* an OW. (By the way, at one point I took my DD11 over to his house because she was so upset about us being split up, and she was bawling and crying asking when we could come home and his idea of helping was saying "DD11, Mommy and Daddy are NOT getting back together"....they aren't thinking clearly, so don't let things they say alarm you. They CAN'T think anything other than "My kids are okay" because then they'd be terrible people, and they wouldn't be able to live with themselves.)

Emotional affairs are a little harder to deal with....in my opinion, because they can rationalize away that they're not doing anything wrong because they aren't having sex with the other person, and it's hard to convince them that it's inappropriate.

I would agree that you should be in plan *A* also. Do not tell him that's what you're doing....I would drop the MB talk altogether, as most people don't like to be part of anyone's "PLAN". You just start fulfilling his emotional needs. Also..........don't YOU bring up the relationship.....concentrate on filling his EN's.

BTW, I see you asking a lot of questions like "Is it too late?" "Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be?" You're asking these questions because he's making you doubt yourself. DO NOT LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS......It's fog babble......they're secretive......they lie....all to keep their OP.

So get a grip, read up on Plan A and EN's and start being PROACTIVE instead of REACTIVE.

God Bless,

-Caren

BTW.........my ending is yet to be written....but I'm plugging away.

Thank you Caren, we have done EN Questionnaire.. I have been working really really hard at filling his needs..#1 was financial and I got a job and am starting my 3rd week..#2 was appreciation, I appreciate the heck outta him and thank him for every little thing I can..#3 was sexual fulfillment..He says he feels guilty afterwards..I have made a point to do things he said he wanted and I wouldn't do..

Plan A - I have done everything I can to make him see I am a good wife..I bake, I drop food off to him at work, I offer to cook him dinner, I keep the house clean..Most of Plan A is covered except the no contact..I have tried, but have been unsuccessful..He said if he came home, what would I expect him to tell OW?? I said I don't mind you talking with her at work and if she has a work problem..But I don't want you talking to her outside of work about things not dealing with work..If she is a true friend, she would understand that your marriage and wife come first..I asked him a few weeks ago if he would ask her to call me..I just wanted to have a non-confrontational conversation with her to get to know a little bit about her..It never happened..He said I don't think she would be comfortable with that..What kind of husband remains friends with someone who is not comfortable being friendly with his spouse?? She doesn't mind to call MIL at home to talk to her??? I do not know her, I have only met her on 2 occasions, I know nothing about her..I felt that if he is so set on having a single female as a friend, he should be sure that I know her and that I am comfortable with it..It's just respectful..

Speaking of respect, he was here on Monday July 3 to spend time with his family in the pool and grilling and fireworks..So what happens? He gets a text message from OW..I told him that I thought that was disrespectful, he was trying to spend time with his family when he has time off of work, because he never gets time off of work and he said that I was being silly..It wasn't disrespectful, she was just seeing what he was up to.. I know she knew what he was doing, she has contact with him everyday.. I said tell her to leave you alone, you are spending time with your family..He said that is mean, I'm not gonna act like an a**hole..haha - never stopped him from being that way toward me!

I am guilty of bringing up relationship talk..Sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesn't..I'm sure you can tell OW is a touchy subject..

He really does fight me on not talking to OW..He says he will not stop talking to her..

Bosbo,

Can you expose to his superiors in the union? He's a shop steward...aren't there rules?

And forgive me, but I forgot...is she married? Have you exposed to all of her family, boyfriends...etc.?

A marriage is between two people. When a spouse puts another person ahead of their marriage, it's an affair; whether they are sleeping together or not.

You can choose to believe that and live it, or not.

In your corner,

LA

Bosbo-


You Said:


There is no "no contact" in plan A. Plan A is showing your WH that your marriage is a viable alternative, don't bring up OW, don't talk about your marriage, it's about *showing* him how it can be.

Don't bother trying to talk to the OW, she'd only lie to you anyway.

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling your WH that it is disrespectful to have the OW text message him while he's spending time with the family, but I would have stopped short at telling him to tell her to leave him alone.....WS's don't like to be told what to do. I would have made it an open ended question like "Don't you think it's disrespectful for your friends to be text messaging you on your family holiday?" and then dropped it.

How long have you been plan Aing??? You need to keep it up, make your WH see that the changes you've made are permanent. Also, make sure you look drop dead gorgeous EVERYTIME you see him.....even if you just happened to go to the grocery store and bumped into him.

If he happens to bring up what you were saying about "Why didn't you change 3 months before I left?" Simply tell him that you can't change the past, all you can do is work on the future.

God Bless,

-Caren

P.S. Can someone link that Carolhk or whatever her name is, to this link??? I think if her husband isn't sexually involved (as far as we know) a little Plan A/180 combo may be effective.

OW is not married..People at work thought he was involved with her before we separated..I teased him on one of our dates because everywhere we went, we ran into someone he worked with.. I told him there is now going to be a rumor that he is cheating on OW..He said he wouldn't doubt it..I could call the union president, I am sure he already knows the situation..The vice-president knows the whole situation because he has talked to her about our situation..She is married and he wanted a married woman's input..
I have tried to be very aware of how I say things to him..I know it's not what you are saying, it's the words that you use that make it offensive..I do try to think of how I am saying what I am saying..
He has really been in a good mood the last few days..He's been playing around and acting silly like we used to always do..I don't know, maybe he's had some kind of revelation..