1of9, instead of sending him a note, why not call the man up and have a conversation if you can't go see him? Steve Harley has counseled folks to MEET with the OP, but if you can't do that, you can at least CALL HIM UP. And the most important thing that needs to be asked is this:

"what are your intentions with my wife?"

Get him talking and find out what is on his mind. You will probably find out that your WW has been lying to you both if you compare notes. But you won't find out anything if you just send a note. A note will get you nothing.

If he can see your face or hear your voice it will help him put a real live HUMAN behind your name. He will also know you are man enough to face him. And he needs to know this.

I don't see the point of sending a note. He will just laugh about it. He can't laugh off a man who has the balls to call or visit him, though.

A call may be an option.
Face to Face. I Cant. It will get out of control It wont be pretty.

I love the input lets me see things from all the angles.

Just so y'all know 1of9 literally means 1 of 9 members of his family (2 parents 7 kids under 18).

Welcome back 1of9...glad to see you've started a dialogue.

I just got home a bit ago from the Steve Miller concert with my way Former Wayward Wife. We went alone and had a wonderful date. She won't let me go to sleep just yet since I'm the snorer...alas, I come here and post.

TMI,

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I have to ask...where does a mother of 7 kids find the time to intiate and partake in an affair?????? I just don't get it. I can see you having difficulty meeting her needs but exactly how does a mother of 7 become bored and/or resentful of that???? I don't know if you've read much on infidelity but I'd guess you have about a 1/2% or 0.005% chance of ending up divorced. A parent of 7 kids just don't walk away. Read up, man up and fight hard for your marriage...you've got yourself and 7 others counting on you to demonstrate what you're made of (without violence).

Thanks for the hopefull Stats MrW.

As far as where did she find the time. over the past 6-12 months she has done less and less around the house and with the kids.
She said shes done. She cant do it anymore.
She just wants to be a daycare provider for the Kids. She'll be home at 7 everymorning.

This is frustrating. Its 11 am and she still hasnt answered her cell..

1of9, what do you mean she will be home at 7 every morning? She is not living there anymore?

I know it wont work.
I think she may have plan B'ed herself.
I havent heard from her since about 4-5 yesterday.
She wont answer her phone. For all I know she could be....
I really dont want to think like that.

1of9, can you help me understand this situation so I don't have to keep asking endless questions? Describe the situation NOW and what started all this. What is her pattern? I am not able to get a feel for your situation. Can you help me here?

Quick Summation
Married almost 16 years. July 21st is aniversery
7 Children
two weekends ago I took wife away for weekend to talk.
I let her know I wanted her to stop seeing OM.
She said no. She doesnt want to stop seeing him.
We still had a nice weekend between the talks

I havent been the best Husband but after reading SAA I know im am capable of being much better and have been putting into practice all my tools for the past 4 weeks.(this has been the best time Ive had with my kids in years)
I was atleast able to get her to give me her top 5 emotional needs. Not sure if there acurate or she was jabbing to make me shut up.

She is still at home, sometimes, she leaves the kids at home most of the day, 15 and 13 yo babysit (I hope this doesnt destroy them), and stays out till 1-3am 3 4 times a week. this has been going on for over 2 months.

Now she leaves the house and comes home at 6-7 am.

I currently doing exposure about 15 people so far. I'm still trying to track down some of her NEW freinds.

1of9, you might be pretty close to Plan B since she is so destructive and flagrant. Why do you think she is so flagrant? What is she so angry about?

She really has no motivation to STOP since you have allowed her to do this so flagrantly. Can you think of ANY reason why she would stop at this point?

Also, are you exposing to people that will MAKE A DIFFERENCE? Like her parents? Your CHILDREN? Exposing to some sleazy bar fly friend is a waste of your time. What has been her parent's response? Are there some close family members who have influence on her?

TO WHOM HAVE YOU EXPOSED? What was the reaction of your wife? What was the impact? What are you saying?

I have exposed to Her parents her siblings My parents (I dont think they'll have any impact but may be helpfull to me) 7 of her old freinds. Her new freinds I dont know but im still in the process of tracking some of them down.

Her parents are furious with her. I havent talked to her father but I know he is almost as broken hearted as I am. Her sibs want to help.

I have no reaction from my wife as I have not seen here in the past 28 hours and she will not answer her cell. then we were only togher for about 2 hours I tried to talk to her but all im getting is the 101 things the WS is going to say. I think she has hit about 75% of them so far.
She says
"I love you but im not IN love with you."
"We can still be friends"
"Im done. I dont want to work at anything with our marriage"
"she would never truly be happy with me"
"I dont mean to hurt you"
and on and on

I dont want my old M back, I want a new one, The old one sucked and we beat each other up for atleast the past 5 years.

"She keeps asking me why do you want to work on it now you didnt care that ive been begging for help for the past 5 years."

Anybody got a good plan B letter?

Is this why she is so angry? Did you truly not care for the past 5 years? Because her flagrant behavior indicates that she is FURIOUS and wants to punish you.

WHAT WAS HER REACTION TO BEING EXPOSED TO HER PARENTS? What did her father say to her? What did others say? What happened? DOES SHE EVEN KNOW?

I think she is so mad because of how I have been a taker for so long. This is her second M she was the BS so in the back of my mind I always had the idea that she could never do that to me.

I felt if I could keep the money flow up she could make her self happy and in turn she would want to make me happy. I see now it dont work like that.

In the top 5 EN list she gave me Financial didnt even make the list.

She hasnt talked to anyone that I have exposed to.

She has only been home a few hours in the past 48.

She wont answer her phone.

I finnaly Texted her Phone "R U alive I love U" 3 hours later she texted me back "Yes I am OK just dont want to be me"

I know shes physically OK so im going to stop calling her cell every 30. I'll try her again in a few hours.

1of9, I would suggest having a serious talk with her when she gets home. Let her know that everyone knows she has been ****** around, including her parents, your parents and your children. It's important she knows she has been exposed in order for it to have an effect.

Will her father or mother have a chat with her? What was their response when you told them?

Also, I would explain to the kids what is happening here. They need your guidance more than ever right now. Affairs are very morally confusing to children, especially when no one says anything. They need to know that OM is an unfit adult and that they should never be around him. If they are exposed to him, they should call you ASAP. They should NEVER EVER be around this sleazeball, especially your daughters.

I texted her an invite to diner.
She knows what I would be making as we got the ingredients together 4 5 days ago.


She texted back about an hour later "actually sounds good but i am still trying to not be me"

If she comes home I will give her the list and let her know that they would like to talk to her. all of them

Her Mother and Father want to talk to her. They will probably have to comer her with a little bit of my help as she's trying to avoid almost everyone on the face of the earth right now.

I’m setup to talk to the kids in three shifts tomorrow before they go to church.
The older 2 and put it all out on the table with the real gory stuff left out. 3 and 4 will get a toned down version, 5 and 6 will get something along the lines of Mommy’s not very happy right now but she still loves you and she’s going to come home as soon as she can. 7 will always get Mommy and Daddy Love you.

Wow, why are you acting like everything is NORMAL and hunky dory, 1of9? Can I suggest that you stop with the pretense and let her know how devstated and upset you and the family are? Plan A does not stand for APPEASEMENT and [censored] KISSING, after all.

Its almost like you are REWARDING HER and encouraging her to act like an alley cat in heat. WHY??

What needs to happen here is some serious heart to heart dicussion about her affair and its impact on the family. She needs a page that says: this is very serious, please come home so we can discuss! She needs to be told that her parents, your parents, your children, ETC have all been told about her affair and they are all devastated and disappointed.

Stop with the CUTESY text pages that only encourage her to keep carrying on like this! You have become her ENABLER, my friend! STOP!!

This is no time to be sampling new recipes, 1of9! This is a time for SERIOUS GRAVITY!!

1of9, here is a good overview of what Plan A really is written by Pepperband. Your W is in serious need of some straight, truthful talk, ie: THE STICK OF PLAN A. Please pay close attention to the STICK here:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

"Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused."

I did. Very calm and in control, she was almost yelling the entire time. "I'm done" "I don’t want to go home anymore to the kids." and "Why now, I've been begging for so long, now you want to work on our M I don’t, I'm done."
My response was “I’m sorry, this had to be my HUGE wake up call. I'm scared as ******. I want nothing more than to fix my flaws and rebuild a better marriage.
She says “I’m Done”

"Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders."

Tried to let her know OM is not allowed to have any contact with the kids, it would be best for them. I don’t think she heard me. Kids 1234 and 5 know to ask him to leave if he’s on the property and to call the police to have him removed if he wont leave.

She went to church with us this morning, gave me a little hope. (she came home at 7:10am) She walked out of the church crying after listening to a couple of songs, she was crying. I felt horrible I cant stand to see her in such agony.

Tried to go the movies with the whole family. When we got in the theater was crowded and we weren’t going to be able to all sit together. I got her a seat in her favorite spot and she would have been directly behind 4 of our kids. I was going to sit with 1, 2 seats over and one row down, and my oldest was going to sit with the other younger one. She hates crowds doesn’t like the cramped feeling. She would have been sitting next to 2 smaller kids. She left and said she could not do it she had to leave. I stayed with the kids. When the movie was over I found a Business card from her favorite bar with a note saying she got a ride home. If the person came from the bar they would have driven 45-60 minutes to pick her up.
When I got home her car was still in the driveway.

She still wont answer her cell. hasn’t replied to any texting.
I have to do what’s best for the kids now. I'm just not sure what that is yet.

Well, I would stop texting her and start making plans to go into plan B. Her actions are destructive and she is out of control. The first thing you have to do is protect your children and your finances from her. She can't count on her to take care of the kids and you know she has no reservations about dragging your children into her sleazy lifestyle.

So, I would start off by arranging some childcare and then taking steps right away to protect your bank accounts so she can't plunder your family money.

Are you familiar with Plan B?

p.s. whatever you do, don't sleep with her, 1of9. She is likely to have STDs.