Children and Finances have been taken care of. Children short term will work on long term tomorrow.

Got the bold strokes of Plan B reading the fine print tonight and tomorrow.

We slept in the same bed.

But she cut me off about 1 1/2-2 months ago.

Anybody got a good plan B letter they want to share. I know I wont think of everything other that leaving the way back open.

1of9, I will post a link to some good Plan B letters below, but you also have to consider the logistics of Plan B. Do you understand this means asking her to leave? Plan B means you separate from her and cut off all contact.

She still gets visitation, but with her, I would be recommend supervised visitation with an intermediary so your kids are not harmed.

I would thinking on the best way to set this up. Does she have a job?

There are many things to consider here, so please read up as much as you can on it so you are prepared when it is time. Another thing to consider is that the WS almost always becomes very angry at Plan B because it is a THREAT to their affair [your support has been a prop to her] and because it takes control out of her hands.

So, in addition to the other planning, you must have a plan in place for when she tries to lure you out of Plan B. Because if she is allowed to get you to break your committment to no contact, then your credibility is greatly diminished and she will know she can control you. That neutralizes any leverage you have and damages your credibility.

It is very important to be READY and PREPARED when you go into Plan B.

Here are some links to some good Plan B letters:

my personal fave: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

Others: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019428#000000

I think she may have gotten feed up with OM.

But now since ive done exposer and other people know she will not talk to me.

She'll get over it. (Someday she may even thank you.)

1,

here is the e-mail I sent to the OM. He did call me and we had a discussion. Suffice to say I didn't expect a response so, the fact that he called meant I got his attention. The outcome was a bit wierd but he responded none the less....
----------------------------------------------------------
I am writing to you as a last ditch effort to save my marriage and family. I'm not really sure how to begin but I will do my best to be direct and to the point. I also ask of you to keep this communication private and between us alone (I know, that's a slim chance)

I don't know what details of our lives in the past couple of months WS has shared with you. I will tell you (if you aren't aware) that WS and I have made a committment to working on our relationship. We've both backed down on the divorce (unless something drastic changes) and we've told the kids and many of our friends that we are staying together and working things out. I can't tell you how happy it made the kids, to know that they not only have two parents that love them dearly, but two parents who love each other as well. Not only have we made an emotional committment but we are about to move into a new home that represents a new start for our family.

That said, I understand WS has some deep emotional feelings for you. I also compare the feelings she has with an addiction of sorts. The fuel to that addiction is contact with you. Everytime she talks to you on the phone, e-mail, SMS or any other way, her addiction is fueled and the love triangle continues.

WS has shared her confusion with me not knowing how to stop feeling the way she does. I offered one solution that will put WS and I on the road to true marital recovery and that is no further contact between you and WS. The longer she is apart from the source of the addiction, the better our chances are. She has expressed concern that she cannot stop so, I am asking you to stop contact with WS. No calls, E-mail, SMS, letters, nothing. This is the only way I see WS breaking free of these feelings. I understand it will take time, lots of time but, I am willing to work with her to help her through this as I love her more than life itself.

I am hoping you have a strong sense of family, committment and marriage and can respect my request as WS is a married women, we've spent 15+ years together and, in fact we've known each other since high school. More importantly, our children need two (biological) parents who love one another. I've expressed concern with WS that moving into a new home might not be the best thing for the kids because of the fragile state of our relationship if something were to change, we'd be right back where we started and the cycle would continue with further emotional damage to our children not to mention each other. So, I ask you again, please stop any further contact with WS.

If you would like to discuss this live xxx-xxx-xxxx my cell, anytime.
-----------------------------------------------------------

She left. I asked her to stay. She still left.

Document it by email if you can. Document that she walked out and abandoned you and the kids without your consent and without discussing any arrangements. Where is she, when will she be back, how are you supposed to get a hold of her if their is an emergency. Document that she will not answer her cell or text and "just in case" of an emergency with the kids she really needs to stop hiding and give a number you can contact her. etc.

You must continue to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Cover your backside at all appropriate times. From a legal standpoint, in a divorce case, her walking out demonstrates a tremendous lack of care or concern for the best interests of your children. The "best interests" test is what custody disputes are based upon. If a divorce and custody petition is ever filed, you can bet, due to the extreme detriment to her case for custody, her and her attorney will attempt to portray the "walk out" as other than what it was/is. Without supporting written documentation she'll make all sorts of outlandish claims about why she left such as: He threw me out, He threatened me, He was hurting me physically, etc.

Documenting it now can preclude her muddying the waters later.

Keep the emails innocuous. Don't allow her to KNOW what you are documenting. Don't make it appear legal. Just slide it in while you address the issues of your marriage and reconciling.

In the alternative, if she doesn't come home and you can't email her....call the police and report her missing. The police report can be utilized later to demonstrate that she walked out without telling you and/or the kids where she was going, when she'd be back. Again, it would document her lack of concern for the best interests of your children.

You may think she doesn't care and I would agree. She is ONLY interested right now in her addiction to OM. However, down the road reality strikes and they "out of the blue" decide they still want their family AND OM. They want to save face and appear a caring parent/mother and get some if not all custody. Their attorney's will counsel them to move home and have sex with their husbands to legally nullify the adultery previous to the reconciled sex. It gets very convuluted.

I am sorry you are going through this. I stand by my earlier prediction though...I think your marriage will survive, somehow, someday, and if you want it at the time, the fog WILL clear.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

1of9,

She left and you stopped posting?

Help me out on the correlation here.

Update, please.

LA

Hi 1of9,
I think you are getting some good advice here but it is sprinkled with some very, very bad advice. Do not invloved your kids in this so much - by all means, tell them what is necessary but that is it. Do not make them into the police and do not bad mouth their mother to them, and I have not read anything that justifies supervised visitation. Your WW and the OM are morally corrupt, but do not make the kids fearful of seeing htem. For goodness sakes, if the future holds another marriage for your WW (to the OM) this will have traumatized your kids. Let your kids know that you don't approve, but do not make out a case for danger when there has been no physical danger. No, the OM is not a saint - but you don't want them fantasizing that he is likely to weild a gun, etc. You are getting some advice that is whacked-out. Do not listen to it.

Also, if you fell you can't control yourself in a physical meeting with the OM - don't meet with him. You can write him a breif note or email, and some of those scripts were good, especiall "what are your intentions?" Understand that he probabaly doesn't care what this is doing to your family.

By all means, calm down. This is going to take some time to sort out. You should first of all protect your financial assests and your children's custody. If she left your house, go and file for a temporary order granting you custody and forbiding her to dispose of assets. You might want to withdraw and open another bank account before you do this - one with just your name. Be aware, thouhg, in community property states without legal seperation protection, she can forge your name all she wants and it is a civil matter, not a criminal matter. If your state is a community property state without legal sseperation, then put your money into a different accoutn and do not let her know the account number (But, do not leave her destitute - she will resent you - take only an equtable share, which will be higher if you are caring for the kids). If she has left the home, it is important to get the paperwork started, as this is justification for you keeping the home. Getting yourself protected does not mean divorce - just look at it as "temporary" as temporary orders are such. This might wake her up, especially with the custody issue.

You might want to do an intervention, too. Invite her to the house and have her family and mutual friends there (you can even have a mutual friend serve her with the temp paperwork while she is there, see the rules of service in your state) and have her sit down and in fornt of the witnesses, tell her why you feel the need to protect your family (you and your children) from her BEHAVIOR. Make sure that it is the BEHAVIOR you point out and not HER per se. Tell her, in front of the witnesses that you want to start counseling and get things straigtenied out, that you still love her, and that you will take her back (while keeping the temp orders) as long as she agrees to cease all contact with the OM and goes to the MC on schedule and temporarily renounces this bar lifestyle that is so devestating to your family (at least until you get on a solid footing).

If she refuses, you can standc frim and wait - to see if reality sinks into her in a couple of weeks. You can be loving without compromising on the orders.

and BTW, your kids aren't your peers. Please, please, please, try to minimize how much you lean on them. No matter what their mum has done, she is still their mum, and you do not want them to resent you in the long run. Right now, you are all they have - God knows, they can form their own insightful opinions about who is truly wrong (kids instinctively know that there is a right and a wrong, they don't blur it) - they will know wrong for what it is, so we don't need to point fingers when we calmly explain the circumstance. Give them room to disapprove of your W's behaviors by themselves and let them still have compassion for the person your W is. Kids especially need the distinction of "wrong behavior" instead of "bad person." Otherwise, it could hurt their future relationship with God. God hates the sin but loves the sinner. You hate your W's behavior but you love your W. Let them hate your W's behavior but love your W, too.

all my love
allforone

allforone, his children should be told about the affair and should not be dragged into the morass. They should never be exposed to the OM, which would be viewed as an endorsement or approval of the affair. They have been "traumatized" by their mother's affair, not by being protected from their mothers sleazy affair partners. If the mother does some day marry this creep, then the children should NOT approve of him.

Telling the children is the best thing for them and something that Dr. Harley recommends. Children can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with LIES.

His wife has proven to be unstable and irresponsible with the children by running off and leaving them so she could be with the OM and by even bringing the OM around in their own home. That means she cannot be trusted to take care of them right now and should have supervised visitation.


Children need to be TAUGHT right from wrong by their PARENTS. They don't get this from OSMOSIS. That is the DUTY of the PARENT. They don't just "get" it all on their own. His children must be given MORAL GUIDANCE about their mother's affair and told that it is a very bad thing. That is how children learn right from wrong.

Parents who say nothing and leave it to the children to "form their own opinions" do great harm by causing the child MORAL CONFUSION. That is a dereliction of duty. Children instinctively know right from wrong, but when it is not validated by an adult, they only learn to DOUBT thier own instincts, which causes moral confusion.

1of9's main obligation as a parent is to protect his children from his wife's sleazy, destructive behavior and I think he is doing a good job of that.

1of9, I hope you are doing ok. Please come back and give us an update. God Bless, my friend.

Infidelity:The Lessons Children Learn
by Jennifer Harley Chalmers, Ph.D. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_lesson.html

My son told me that 'children do not like to be lied to.' That told me a lot. While I didn't dump my problems on my son (he was 6 at the time), I did let him know we were a team and should stick together. I told him enough to know how to be safe.

I have seen parents who did not tell their children. I have seen where later some children are upset that they were either kept in the dark or lied to. I recall my son's words and worked hard NOT to do the same to him. When the Xws came back, it was H who had t/d the repair work to the R with both myself and our son. Each of us have an R with evey family member and we are individually responsible for the part within our control.

Reassure your children, they are not stupid nor ignorant. In turn you are teaching them respect and honesty. 2 very good qualities to carry into their adulthood.

take care,
L.

I have given the basics to the kids, not to much.
Oldest has the right to smack me if I bad mouth in any way.
Still waiting for the first smack. It will happen and I get to say I’m sorry that was not right.
The WW is more than welcome to come and see the children by her self any time she wants. I’m not sure I want to be here when she come now. It hurts too much.
All children know the OM can even say his name if they see a picture of OM. Older ones know what has been going on. I fear what they would do if they came in physical contact with OM. Teens will pent up the anger and if its the wrong moment it will not be pretty.

Call to OM was done about 2 or 3 hours before she walked out. He doesn’t care.

Finances for the most part have been take care of. At least until THEY find the hole.

Home is being taken care of. She called and asked if she could draw some 20 cash to get food. I told her to take 40. I don’t want her dead I just don’t want to pay for her A.
Joint account that she has easy access to still gets a little cash each paycheck. Not enough to pay a bar tab but enough to buy the bare essentials.

The last audible conversation we had she said she wants me to ignore her this week end and she wants to have diner Monday evening.

Intervention is inpractable as I cant even grantee I can get her on the phone. Monday diner is a pipe dream.

Got to keep this in mind
God hates the sin but loves the sinner.
You hate your W's behavior but you love your W.
Let them hate your W's behavior but love your W, too.

So far only the oldest has expressed his disapproval of WW behavior. it was short and to the point I do believe.
Your Wrong.
WW went into a barrage of insults and general yelling.

An hour later he denied he said a thing. I heard him - she heard him I heard the volume she let out. not the content.

The children that can comprehend understand.

Sorry if I worried a few peps by not giving a timely update. But you know life must go on arrangements must be made. to much time must be wasted on the phone taking care of the family. And on top of that I get a notice from some mortgage company that their records have been compromised and you MAY want to put a safe guard on your credit records.
Crap what else can happen. (Please don’t expand on that I don’t need it at this time)

Daily Montra "#$it happens"

Daily Montra to children

Mommy and Daddy both love you.

I cant sleep with out her beside me.

Welcome back, 1...

Thank you for coming back.

Please respect your WW's choices...you've split an account off...you protected yourself...don't go for the daddy routine...you're her equal. Speak your truth. "I have no control over what you do. I fear you'll spend it on your affair partner." She is a big girl...

I remember this time, 1of9...felt like being wiped away...horrid...sleepless and crushing...and you live through it. You find you can sleep, over time...accept this is...for now...temporary...cry when you need to, laugh when you can...stay respectful. Be honest with your kids about your thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Be who you really are...

You can do this. Are you in Plan B or separated Plan A? Focus. Not on her, on your plan.

You're not alone.

LA

lazzy trash men came early today.
9of9 hates the Trash truck wakes shaking.
Im up for atleast the next two hours now.

I'm here...not trash day...no shaking...just not sleeping.

LA

Melody - never did I tell this man to lie to his children, but I did say to be gentle with them - I did not say do not tell them right from wrong. No matter what it seems now, reality is that this affair could possibly result in a marriage to the OM and there is not a court in this country that would keep the kids away from that home just because someone is "sleezy" and adulterous. Most states do not even consider adultery in its proceedings, and whether we like it or not, that's the way it is. If children know that behavior is wrong, they can come up with their own "sleeze" words without hearing it from the other parent. As parents, it is our job to love our children and look out for future harm that we could be causing today, and with God as my witness - I say that people CAN change. I have seen it. But words, once spoken, cannot be unspoken. If this family reconciles, the kids do not need to deal with past name-calling.

1of9- weigh all of the advice you receive with prayer and do not feel pressured to take anyone's advice. Calm and steady says a lot to our children, who learn more from our behavior than any words we speak. I will be praying for your family.

allforone, first off, most affairs do not ever lead to "marriage.". And secondly, even if they were eventually married, children should never be forced to CONDONE or APPROVE of an affair partner or an affair marriage. It would be traumatizing to FORCE them to endorse evil. How very pernicious!

Many judges do DISALLOW exposure to sleazy affair partners in seperation papers. Children should never be exposed to affair partners because it sends the message of ENDORSEMENT. The risk of molestation by a "boyfriend" goes up dramatically in these situations.

As parents, it is our job to teach our children right from wrong, NOT TO leave it up to them to "form their own opinions" or convey ENDORSEMENT by exposing them to immoral situations. Affairs are evil and destructive and if this is not pointed out to children they become morally confused. They have to conclude that affairs must be OK if their parents sit there silently, which only increases the chances they will grow up and have affairs.

No one has suggested "name calling." It is not "name calling" to explain to a child that adultery is EVIL, IMMORAL and that the OM is an unfit adult to be around. But worrying about "name calling" is an irrelevant trivial side issue when lives are being smashed by flagrant immorality.