I'm confused and looking for some other opinions on what to do next. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and it hasn't been a great marriage throughout. I've repeatedly tried to tell him how he wasn't meeting my emotional needs. He's always said my needs are too much. I'll admit I haven't always communicated my feelings in the best way.

When we married I was on active duty and shortly thereafter I took an assignment near his exwife so he could have a relationship with his sons. Bad decision cause the fighting only got worse. Three years ago he decided he couldn't take living near is exwife and decided to go back into the military himself. He didn't ask my opinion. When he left for training I was 7 months pregnant with our second son in a city where I knew 5 people, about to be off active duty myself so soon to be unemployed and in a brand new house. I felt no choice but to move with him after our son was born, I was off active duty and sold the house. The marriage didn't get better and I feel I kept trying to tell him how emotionally abandoned I felt. We tried counseling 2 seperate times but he would never go back after the first visit.

Last year when he went to Iraq we spent the 4 months fighting over email and both of us saying we wanted a divorce. When he got back he changed his mind but he was a little estranged and talked to/about 2 females he deployed with. He told me there was nothing between them. I asked him never to have contact with them again. I didn't trust that situation. He promised.

Over this past year we've fought even more. While in Jamaica for our anniversary he told me on the actual day he again wanted a divorce but the next day changed his mind. He continually negotiated new assigments and each time I told him I didn't want to move and our marriage would not survive long distance. After the 4th negotiation he said our marraige was more important and he would get out. Two months after he got out the only job interests he shared with me was for a company that had no positions in the city we lived. I told him to continue looking into it and I might consider moving because it would be a great career opportunity. He took that and ran with it. When they called to offer him a job 2000 miles away he accepted and then called me. 2 weeks later he walked out the door and said when I sell the 2 houses we currently owned and quit my great job, me and the kids could join him.

Oh yeah, each night for those 2 weeks I cried myself to sleep while he slept next to me. That was 4 months ago. The first two months I also cried non stop and all he could say was stop crying. In very clear words I told him how alone, lonely and sad I felt. I even told him I felt vulnerable to anyone's attention. His response was he realizes he made a terrible mistake and maybe in a year when the contract he signed expires he'll look for a job back in the city me and the kids live. In the meantime he would not be able to provide me the emotional support I needed and couldn't even promise to call and say good-night every day. His exact words. I've asked him to go to counseling but he says he doesn't believe in counseling.

Oh yeah and right after he left the cell phone bill was over minutes so I read it and found out that he never stopped calling those 2 female friends. When I confronted him he felt I was being unfair so it was better to just promise to shut me up and keep it a secret. I asked him to send them an email saying he could no longer communicate with them and cc me but he refused. I decided to give the marriage one more shot and said I would be willing to move if he promised that when he got his next promotion in a few months that whereever they moved him we would stay for 5 years even if that meant he left the company. He told me he couldn't promise that. Since he left I've been seeing a counselor and made the decision to file for divorce. The petition was filed with the courts (somehow he hasn't received it) and we'd even agreed in writing the complete settlements.

Two weeks ago I went to lunch with someone I met at work who happened to know my husband. This guy said all the right words for my loneliness and we ended up in bed one night. I was a one-night-stand to him. This weekend my husband was in town to visit the kids and I agreed to let him stay in the guest room rather than a hotel. The day he was to fly out he went into my email and saw the emails that told the story of my "relations" with the other guy. When he confronted me I was open and honest about it. I sincerly apologized for how much my actions hurt him. He went crazy but actually after he calmed down we had the first real talk in I can't remember and I felt like he finally heard how much emotional pain I have been in. We agreed we both wanted a real start.

But the next day he called and demanded that I give him my email passwords so he could make sure I had no further contact with the other guy or any other. And that the only thing we needed to focus on was how I betrayed his trust. Any of the topics about why he moved on me twice or why I felt so lonely was not important. If I don't give him the passwords he doesn't want to talk to me and he won't continue to help paying the 2 mortages. What does someone else think? I understand that despite his abandonment of me and that I clearly declared us over he feels betrayed. But what is okay for me to feel?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I think your marriage is very saveable. Please give him the passwords. There should be no secrets between a man and wife. You need to be completely transparent to each other.

I suggest you ask him to join you in some counseling again.

Sad, Welcome to MB.

First, let me ask a favor of you. Your post is one giant unbroken block of text. It's virtually impossible to read. If you would please hit the Edit button above it and reformat it into small paragraphs, I am sure you will get more responses.

Many folks here, myself included, skip over posts like these because they are just too hard to read. For some reason, new posters always do this and we have to ask them to reformat so that it's readable.

Thanks very much - I'll be back -
Mulan

Sad, you are in the right place.

Give him the passwords ans ask him for his. The door swings both ways.

Print and fill out the emotional needs questionaire, send him the link to it and ask him to do the same.

Begin to look into what you each need to be able to feel loved and supported. Invite him to the MB forum, he will get some great advice and support too.

SP