Hello, first post. I have been browsing your site the last week or two, trying to gather information on a problem I may or may not be having.

A quick summary:
My W and I have been married for the last 12 years. We have 2 kids, 5 and 2. Our relationship has been pretty strong, even after our two kids came along, we have always functioned quite well. Intimacy, been a rocky road at best. Before the last 2 years, she really didn't enjoy it too much. Once the last kid came, she got fixed, and all of a sudden she couldn't get enough of it. About 4 or 5 months, it quit, no explanation.

Last month, maybe 2, I learned of a friend she has at work. I found out, mainly from her, saying they occasionally have lunch together, and what raised my eyebrow, often enough, he pays for her. Upon browsing through the cell phone bill, I noticed a phone number being called to and from her phone. I figured out, it is this other mans cell phone. Not a lot of long conversations, maybe 2 or 3 10 to 15 minute calls a months, and the occasional voice mail being left.

What brought me here, I just started getting a wierd vibe from her once I learned about this guy. He is her age, works in the same place as her, and he is SINGLE.

To the W, this is just a friendship, I shouldn't worry about it, nothing going on. Once I confronted her about the activity to this number, and she just stated it wasn't what I thought. I believed her, until I got home from work the next day, hit redial on the house phone, and there was his number. Again i asked about it, and all of a sudden, I'm the family ******, no trust, and I'm the bad guy.

The next day, she contacts me at work and says that she and a girlfriend of hers were going out for drinks. Fine I said. I ran home, checked the cell records online, she called him before and after contacting me getting the okay. While she was gone, 2.5 hours, she tried to contact him 4 different times. I have to assume they either tried to meet, or he finally showed up for roughly 30 minutes where she was. When the bill showed up, I asked about the 4 calls, she lied and said she called someone else. I know his number, and that's it.

Can a married woman and a single man be just friends? I think that for her, she may think just friends, but a single man being just that, it could easily become more. I feel I should be running around her peeing on the ground constantly, marking my territory, but realize that I cannot be faithful for the both of us. I suspect the worst, but honestly, in the 4 weeks of watching things like mileage on the car, cell records, bank records, I haven't turned up much of anything.

Well, is it possible?

Welcome to MB Kuky. Sorry you are here.

Not only possible but probable. Your W's behaviour is almost textbook.

It may not have reached the physical stage YET, which is why she can still say they are "just friends" and feel like she is telling the truth.

I am the FWW in my marriage (the one who had the A) and I can tell you that everything your W is doing now is right out of the WW handbook. The ringing him, then checking with you, then ringing him again made me cringe with the memory of doing just that many times.

I'm sure others will be along to talk to you soon. Read everything on the main site. It is very, very helpful.

BTW, one VERY good test is to casually remark that you'd like to get a babysitter next time she goes for drinks and you would like to join her.

Watch her face as the look of horror passes over it, then listen for all the "good reasons" why you shouldn't do that come tumbling out of her mouth.

It is also completely textbook for her to say "you don't trust me, blah, blah, blah." It turns it back on you and makes you look like the paranoid nutjob and her look like the innocent victim.

If the roles were reversed would you wife be so accepting? This is absolutely textbook for a cheating spouse. She lies to you and is constantly trying to connect with this OM. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

If you have/she has to hide it, it's wrong! She knows what she's doing is wrong or she wouldn't feel the need to hide it.

I enjoy this board, I have gotten a lot of information from it. I accept the fact that my W is displaying textbook behavior. The night she went out, I assumed that right off the bat. My problem is, I just cannot find any real evidence. We are both pretty much home bodies. When she isn't at work, she is home, and vice versa. I can account for her where abouts just about all the time, except when she goes to lunch. I have watched the mileage on her car, and so far it hasn't strayed over what it should.

If I have no evidence of an A, just a few signs she knows him, what do I do? I ask her if anything goes on, she denies it... the deeper I dig into the hole, the more I find of nothing.

Perhaps, is it possible I caught this before it got physical and there is really nothing more to find? It broke my heart when she lied to me about the night in question, and it has given me many sleepless nights, I just can't find more than that.

Get a voice-activated recorder from radio shack & stick it in her car under her seat....

fresh batteries every 2-3 days

start taking care of her car for her ... take it to the pump to "top it off" every few days ... say "gas is going up" if she asks "why?"

also

get a semen testing kit (available online) ... and when she has been "late" or "delayed" or there was suspicious phone call volleys .... test her undergarments (sorry, it's gross ... but you need to be certain or you will go crazy)

pop in UNannounced and take her to lunch .... if she gets angry & upset that you surprise her with lunch-time flowers or balloons .... hire a PI to follow her for a week....

Pep

.... and while you are snooping

treat her with the upmost respect
and care
and kindness

fill her ENs for admiration
gifts
SF (if she will allow)
attention

..... and ESPECIALLY .... fill her EN for conversation

send HER sexy messages

Pep

send her a gift to arrive at her job... and sign it

"I want to take you to places you have never been before"

but not your name

sign it

"your love"

PS

if she refuses sex with you

check her previous days panties

gross ... I know *yuk*

but ... this is necessary

Pep

ditto Pep's excellent suggestions. I think she is on hunt for this guy. I would suggest that you stop asking her about it and start doing your own independent investigation. She isn't going to bust herself so your asking only pushes her farther underground. Get the goods, and THEN confront her. Hopefully, you can get the goods before this goes physical.

Do you ever go to her job?
Do the two of you ever go to lunch?

If she was at lunch and you "showed up" would you know where to go?

The bottom line is that a married person having a single friend of the opposite sex is a problem if the spouse doesn't agree, doesn't know him/her well, spouse is around single friend without spouse, etc.

She's hiding the contact (whatever form) which immediately sends up red flags to all WS and BS here. If nothing is going on there's no reason to hide or lie about it.

KiwiJ said it may not have reached a physical stage yet and that's probably true. They may just be in the infatuation stage at this point, feeling each other out.

Anyway, she knows it's wrong or she wouldn't be hiding.

One thing I did was to put a recorder on my home phone - purchased at Radio Shack. Of course now my STBXH says the OW, 2nd EXW and my stepdaughter are all going to press charges and I'm going to jail b/c he found it. Now, that's how I found out the truth about his affairs b/c he was continuing to lie but I'm going to jail.

Your W is having an A. I would bet every nickle I have that she is also having sex with this man. She should NOT have any friends or enagage in any activity that makes you uncomfortable. She is a proven liar and should be treated as such. Snoop, dig and investigate everything. Be prepared for the worst because it will be found out. Have a plan in place for swift exposure...a MC lined up.... be prepared so that you can be "practiced" as to how to respond even though you are heart broken.
I am sorry you are here. There are a lot of good people here that will help you along this rocky journey. Protect your children in all of this. They are your first repsponsibility and you cannot count on your WW to put their interests first at this point.

Explain to your wife if this guy is indeed only a "friend" to her, that he should be your friend as well. And you meeting him shouldn't be a problem.

Then plan, without her knowledge, to go to her place of employment and introduce yourself to the suspected OM with your wife present. That should shake the two up a bit.

Exactly right. If the relationship is totally on the up and up, you meeting him, going to lunch with them, shouldn't be a problem.

By all means if he`s just a friend your wife will want you to meet him. I met my WH`s friend while we were in the store together. Could see how my WH`s eyes lite up when he spoke to her.(red flag). WH back then said she was a long time friend of the family he had known as a child.UHUH. Said he had been to her house with his sister only once.(red flag) Either I denied it or was affraid to really know.I didnt really have proof either back then,but always asked WH if he had been over there.No again.Years later I found out the truth by digging on a gut feeling I let go for MANY years.You have red flags going up don`t ignore them.Shes lied, shes hiding something.I`d hate for you to be where I am now.Its not a nice place to be, it still hurts many years later and it makes trust even harder when they don`t admit.
I really hate when I read topics on friends.It just sickens me when a spouse says we were just friends but I bedded him/her and did`nt care how I hurt you. That I was only thinking of my own selfish needs and did`nt care what I did to my family.

My WH "just friend" turned out to be his mistress. Like a fool I believed his lies for months.

I offered to have her and her H over for dinner, if OW was such a good friend of his. He said he'd think about it. (This was before he moved out). Obviously never took me up on that offer.

They are now living together.

I've filed D.

Im sorry you had to go through that. Mine lied for years, I caught WH in a parking lot talking to her, still he said he was`nt over there but once. Would leave on his motorcycle when I went to work, the kids would call me at work and say dad left and would arrive a half hour before I got home. after all these years we walked into a store and lo and behold there she was. WH acted like he could`nt get out of that store fast enough.(RED FLAG) So now I knew after this happening years later something had really been up. Stupid me. So one day WH and I was driving down the road I asked him to show me where she lived. My my just a few blocks from us. I had him stop in front of her house and told him to get out, of course he wouldnt he stated he did`nt know what to say, I said sweety say what you did every time you came over here, he drove away. So I looked her addy up on the net and called her then went over and tslked to her. Got info there to which WH denied. Still since its been 5 years that he has been there to see her he still denies it was anything else but friendship. I know and he knows what happened all those years but he still wont admit and he maybe never will but I won`t and can`t go on with him until he does. MC says to forget it, well I don`t think so, MC says I can still live with him have a carrer and sleep beside him and still have a life of my own. Ya know I dont really think MC gets it at all (RH).Maybe I need to look for another MC.

Thank you for all of the good replies.

I have often comtemplated the voice activated recorder, the digital ones are so small, can be mounted with some velcro easily. I have dropped in unannounced right before her lunch, and I was told to go home, later admitted she already had plans with him + friends.

I have actually started my own little investigation. I know more about him that W knows I do. I know what he drives, his plate number, and I think I found where he lives. I know his cell number, and have snapped a few pictures of him. I wish I could afford a PI, currently I am saving up money enough so that I can take some paid time off and follow her around myself.

See, they both work at the local Wal-mart. Their schedules are never the same, sometimes they work same shifts, others they don't. I can never figure out if they have lunch together or not. Unfortunately, I work during the day as well, except I get home at such different hours, I would imagine if anything is happening, that it happens over at his place. I was going to use my PC to record the home phone, but only laptop I have with a modem enough for it, is hers. I'll look at other options.

I appreciate all of your inputs. I originally couldn't figure out what plan A and B was, kept clicking on broken links. I figured out that I am already sort of in A, but I just couldn't argue my case in any court. I have started acting nice, and trying to improve our at home relationship, hoping to make a difference, all while continuing to gather info. It makes me extremely uncomfortable that she claims the friendship, yet hides the obvious truth from me. So I know what the logical conclusions tell me.

It's funny, I read through the profiles of a WS, and really I should be the WS and not the BS. I do all of the cooking and cleaning, I take care of the kids, all the laundry, feed the dog, cleans up after her... and all I want in return is affection, which I quickly become the ****** for wanting. (twice in the last 6 months isn't enough for me ) Yet, I continue to play the game, hoping my gut, suspicions, and hunches are wrong.

Unfortunately, I think the night in question, (first post) revealed to me that something occurred sometime. Ever since then, the cell phones calls quit. I haven't been able to conjur up anything else, except watch things closer and get closer to the truth I think happened. I have often thought about testing panties, found some affordable ones. Truth be told, her nights out without me have been about one a year, I may have to start down that avenue.

She is off all next week, it will be interesting to find out if any communication happens. Of course, I cannot control her trips to the store where she works to see him.