Hi, I've been reading alot here and just want some advice. Here's the story, I'll try to make it short.

I am 31, WH is 32. We have 4 children, youngest is 5 months old. I have been married for 9 years, together for 12 with my WH. I saw a girl's number on his phone about 4 months ago. I found the number on his phone 2 times and we fought about it. He said they had business together and that's it. Later I found a text message and fought with him, again he said that he will not talk to her again. 3 days later I found another message, this time I freaked out and since then he has not had contact with her. That was early June. Well, 1 week ago I found out that during the 3 business trips he took in the last 3 months, he called her many times and talked for a very long time. I cried and screamed.

He said that they were friends, he never touched her, he only talked about business, politics and stuff. I just had A BABY in mid-Feb. I felt his behavior change and often questioned him. I asked why he would call her, he said it was fun talking to her. Anyway, he apoligized and said he didn't talk to her since the last time I found the message and had a heart attack. He told me he is very sorry, he loves me, doesn't want to lose me and all that. I kissed someone before we got married 10 years ago, he says he gave me a chance so why can't I do the same. He sometimes brings that up when we fight.

I asked him questions for a week. He always had the same answer. He only talked, didn't mean anything, I'm over reacting and he doesn't talk to her anymore. He wants to move on, he said it was a huge mistake and he realized how much he loves me. I check the cell phone, NC between them and she doesn't work with him anymore. No emails or anything either. My question is, what should I do? He said he will never lie to me again, he wants to start over, he's so sorry, he promised to never contact her again. I want to do plan A, but I just keep thinking about it. I told him I would not bring it up again as long as he promises to never talk to her and to never lie to me again and that we will never do anything that may hurt the other.

sometimes I feel like I should keep questioning him, I want to know what they talked about, why he called her and not me when he was bored. Why he wasn't there for me after I just had the baby. He keeps saying sorry and that it was the biggest mistake of his life. he said nothing will be good if I keep asking him the same questions and he just runs away or gets mad at me. He did say that he felt like I did whatever I wanted by getting pregnant (wasn't planned) and I didn't try to stop it by taking pills or anything. Sometimes I want to do plan A, then I get so pissed off thinking about him talking to her, I feel like I need to know WHY he did it!!

What's your advice?

Yes, you do need to know why he did it or this will happen again. There is something wrong here and unless it is identified and dealt with, this may happen again.

You need to know what happened with her, but he does not feel safe in telling you. The problem is that as long as he has secrets with the OW to which you are not privy, it will be impossible to rebuild trust.

I would start with 2 of Harley's books to see if you can identify the problem: Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Can you get into counseling?

DNVGRL,

There's a lot going on here. If you read and follow the rules of Radical Honesty on this site, he needs to sit down and answer all of the questions you have regarding the phone calls and the girl. You need to know everything that you want to know about the the conversations, why he was calling her, what they talked about, when the conversations started, whether or not they met in person, and what else (if anything) happened.

You have reason to be concerned that he is seeking out the company of another woman for "friendship", and reason to be concerned that he refused to discuss the details with you. Get a copy of "Not Just Friends" and read it.

My advice is that you talk with him about radical honesty, emotional needs, fill out the questionaires for each other regarding ENs, and tell him CALMLY how you are feeling. Plan A is a good thing, and make sure you are watching for signs of whether or not he is still in contact with her. Talk with him also about MC, which you probably should consider. There seem to be some issues you two need to talk about (for one, the other woman, and for two, his blaming you for the new child?) that haven't been properly covered the way you've been going at this rate.

You've come to the right place. I'm not the best at advice - follow what the old sages say, they will lead you down the right path!

SB

Print up Joseph's Letter and hand it to him: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2739000

I sat with him and asked him if anything happened, if he met her outside or went anywhere, he said no. We live in a different country, very Islamic country, women and men don't mix, so I believe him when he says that. Her rep would be ruined if anyone knew she talked to a guy, much less a married one. MC is not an option, they don't have it here. He is being very sweet and attentive, wants to take us all on 8 day vacation on Sun. and is talking to me about a vacation for only me and him. I know it was never P, but I keep wondering if I should keep asking him what he said to her, or just go with Plan A and make sure there is NC between them? I already told him I wouldn't bring it up, he knows how much it hurt me, I cried for a week and didn't eat, he was worried that I would make myself crazy. Should I press him for more info?

Can you expose her in an annonymus way?

I would. Those kinds of girls are just waiting t/d it again.

L.