I am a soldier deployed to Iraq. I went home on R&R to a shaky marriage. I thought that we had started a reconciliation on the phone a few weeks before I went back. The first day was pretty good, with a limited amount of kissing and hugging. I found out 2 days later that she had hooked up with a guy I know, her journal fell open while i wass looking for her ID in the truck, who is also a soldier. I confronted her with it and she called me an a**hole and said she would never forgive me for reading it. I controlled my temper and told her we could get past this, which surprised me. She said she needed to feel loved and that we had been having some problems before I left. She also said that she is confused right now, b/c she doesn't want a divorce. I told her i didn't want her to even contact him again, but i caught her texting several times while i was home. Everytime we would start to reconnect she would run away to her girlfriends house and tell me I could call every 5 minutes if I wanted to. I didn't, but i wanted to. She told me she loved me for the first time in a week the day I flew back to Iraq and kissed me. We got in an argument about the journal thing over the phone and she hasn't said anything positive sounding since. The other guy is on block leave and is about to deploy himself. I return home in less than 3 months. None of her friends or family knows, and i haven't told anyone...yet. I only call her twice a week and rarely talk about us. I always end with an I love you and get an I know on her end. I love her with all my heart, but i am teetering on kicking her out and leaving her with as little as possible. We have 1 vehicle (in my name and credit) and the apt is also in my name. I have opened a seperate acct that I put half of my paychecks in. Also, she makes a little more than I do, so support is not an issue. Any advice would be helpful

Welcome, USS, to MarriageBuilders...

Have you read the articles on Coping with Infidelity, Plan A, Emotional Needs (ENs), Love Busters (LBs), and The Love Bank? A lot of great ways to understand and have a great marriage here...

Have you reported the infidelity to the OM (other man's) CO? Plan A is about exposure, about living in truth and reality...and yes, it is to save your marriage.

You surprised yourself...you believe you can get past this...well, you can work through it, yes. Can you get "Surviving An Affair"? Has detailed Plan A and Plan B in it, as well as a lot of great information.

That's good you rarely talk about the relationship (R talk) when you call...Plan A is you eliminating your LBs, finding her ENs and filling them from afar...and affirming you want your marriage.

You are fighting your urge to cut your losses...I think that ties into your surprise that upon discovering her infidelity, you didn't automatically do that...did you believe, as many of us did, that infidelity was a deal breaker? Until we came to it, we had that pre-belief...experiencing it was a different thing entirely...many here chose to stay in and learn a lot; you have the right to divorce now, if that is what you want. Your choice.

My son was in Iraq and Afghanistan...and was married while in Afghanistan...I gave them "His Needs, Her Needs" for a wedding present...they survived it, and now he's out...back home...and there are a lot of adjustments. The book helps. Early marriage can be tough, harder when separated...doable. You're not alone.

Keep posting...add more info...how long married, any children? Would you be willing to expose to her family, your family, friends, the service branch you are in, to break up the affair?

LA

We have been together for 5.5 years and married for just over 2. We have no children. We were talking about starting a family just a month or so before I went on leave. I have read all of the information on this web site and alot of the forum discussions also. I don't know the OM's last name, but i think I now have his email address. I am debating sending him a warning, but i don't want to pull an "or else" type of thing. She's not sharing her EN's with me. She really doesn't tell me much about anything anymore. She says she leads a fairly boring life b/c she only goes out once a week and she is home alone with our dogs every night. OM is out of state on leave, but i know they talk. He sent an IM while i was on yesterday and didn't answer my IM's. I fought alot of anger last night. As far as exposing everything, i was planning to wait until i get home in 2.5 months to play that card. I have always hated cheaters, so yes I thought it was a deal breaker. The thing is, the longer this goes on, the more I want to make sure both their lives are miserable. I don't know what adultry would do to a security clearance, but i am considering turning him in once i get his last name. I am emotionally exhausted and hate that i am keeping this secret in the hopes that her an I can get back to normal without everyone knowing what she did. While I was home, i did do alot to make deposits into the love bank, but as the article said if the bank is closed you can't make a deposit. She is very head strong and once her mind is made up on something, thats what she does. I think her mind is made up, and not in my favor. Thank you so much for you initial reply lovinganyway! I hope this forum can help. Would you suggest exposing him to his command? and leave friends and family out of it for now? Wouldn't this enrage my WW and really push her away? Or would it be best to go with what I mentioned earlier and wait until I'm home to play that card? Sorry this is so long.

Exposure isn't about making them miserable...unless you choose that as your intent. I understand your waiting until your home...however, that's a hard 2.5 months in between. Exposure is sharing truth...a statement you are choosing to be the reality bringer, in Plan A, which includes not participating in anyway in their fantasy.

Plan A is also about you--being true to yourself, radically honest...learning listen and repeat, injecting respect, as well as the rest of the ENs and LBs...when we are betrayed, we will feel immense pain...by not adding to where you betray yourself, your pain doesn't increase, and as I experience, it can be reduced by half.

You be very headstrong...if you make up your mind to save your marriage, then allow nothing else to deter you. Yes, once you get his last name, definitely expose to his command...and his family. Find out if he's married and let his wife know.

Yes, exposure ticks off a WS terribly, for a short while...because it is difficult to maintain the fantasy, and exposure is reality intruding...has consequences of what they have done, what they have chosen...that said, a WS's anger IS already part of the affair...would you rather have her blaming you (which she is) in anger and resentment for driving her to someone else...as absurd as that is, believe me, it's the justification factor...or angry directly at you?

I take directly at me.

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You can't push your WW away...and she can't do that to you. Choose to believe this very important human truth--we are all separate and equal...we are complete, whole beings, marvelously made...our selves truly are, by God's design. He limited us in power...we can only control ourselves...we cannot be the cause, control or cure of another human; we can't. Our feelings, thoughts and beliefs are our own. That's our balance to our limits...we have total power over ourselves and what is ours. We choose so much of our life..our perspective, our beliefs, our expectations, our responses...we only influence others when they allow our influence. We cannot drive away, though we can act horribly. We cannot pull to us, though we can act divinely...when we enter marriage, two whole become one..and too often, we believe we complete each other...what we lack they have and vice versa...in reality, we complement one another.

However, along with our limit and powers, we have imaginations...and our brains truly do not know the difference between fantasy and reality...if you believe you are one person, and half a person when divided, then that will be what you experience.

I say all this because her anger is hers...her resentment, perspective, choices, beliefs and perceptions are hers alone. You carrying them and her carrying yours isn't a true trade off...it is called enmeshment and has no respect for you both inherently being two separate humans. Loving by choice instead from feelings is the key here...and knowing you aren't making her anything.

Your pain comes from inside you...all of us...its ours. I believe our emotions come from our beliefs...trace back what you're feeling to the why...find the belief...you'd be surprised sometimes how off that belief is...we've been accumulating them since our toddler years...

We have better beliefs from our adult experience...takes time to replace the older ones. Do it. Now's the time. Your mind will want to obsess on her, her choices and actions...pull it back to you...dig around inside you...you're a fascinating person and very complicated. Learn to be respectful in your marriage...know when she's anger, sad, happy...that's hers. You have your own.

During an affair, you may feel wrecked by her. Put a hopper on your head, a filter...and listen to her words and repeat them, "I hear you're feeling bored, is that correct?"

Let her words go into that hopper and do not allow them to enter your brain until you know that they are hers, and hers alone. Respect that...You'll feel an immediate drop in the pain...when we believe our choices caused others' feelings, then we get doubly whipped...with theirs and our own...halve that.

I think expose now...in all ways on all fronts. Do not alert the OM to anything, please. Nor your WW. This is about truth...you don't warn people about truth. You do warn them about retaliation.

Well, sometimes. If you can't contain yourself.

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Your post wasn't long...no apology necessary...try to break up into paragraphs, though, because many of us have old eyes, and when there aren't breaks, it's hard to quote and track.

About the deposits you were you making into her love bank. I believe some got by...your very presence had an effect...however, WS's block deposits...actually, their resentments and guilt/shame do...my advice? Make your deposits, anyway.

When you make love a choice, then each act of love is your choice...has immediate reward internally, not based on results. You're choosing from your beliefs and your heart to love...not going by what you feel or being manipulative. You can love the way you love and feel it inside yourself. Like filling up from the inside and overflowing...awesome experience. Keeps that respect in place of being two whole beings choosing to be married, choosing each other and the union...not falling out of love and giving to get, tit for tat.

Cuts out a lot of garbage we were taught early on...maybe all our lives.

You can do this, US...takes a lot of work, self-control, awareness and understanding...and it can change you completely...your choice. Your power. Know your limit.

You're not stupid for trying, because no matter what, you will grow, hugely, if you want to...and the rest of your life will be different because you made the difference...not limited because of what someone else did to you.

LA

My Brother in Arms,

Please consider posting on the General Questions II board. It is much busier and you will get more support from the posters there.

I am experiencing a similar trial this deployment and I have posted a link to my thread below. Please take a look and consider following a similar strategy where applicable.

Deployed Army Officer - God's for Us, Statistics Against Me

Hang in there. Make yourself the best husband you can be for you and for her. Try and figure out what's going on. Expose to critical people in your lives and let them do the heavy lifting for you while you are away. Execute plan A to the best of your ability and wait patiently for your return home when you continue to work on your marriage.

sbmmal

SB,

I actually have read some of your thread. I am being patient and have been going to counseling over here, even before WS started her EA. My question to you is, do you know the penalty for adultry in the army? I have been trying to find out without letting anyone know. I will copy paste my msg in the general II.

Thanks,

US

You would have to talk with your JAG office, but military member cheating with another military member's spouse is majorly frowned on. Throw in the Betrayed Spouse serving a deployment especially in a war zone and he will be in big trouble. The one incident that occured in my Command recently resulted in a loss of stripe and forced retirement due to him being past twenty years. Go to JAG, Family services, your 1ST SG. The more of a stink you raise the worse it will be. Go to his 1SG, his Chain of Command can actually order NC with your your wife and if he breaks it, he has disobeyed a direct order. Just a thought.

Thanks for that insight, but i still have to find a way to find his last name.

I don't know how to remove this thread from the board, but its twin thread can be found under the same name in general forum II. Thank you all for the help to this point!