I posted my story earlier, if you want to read it. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3052679

Anyway, I still don't know if I should continue pressing him for answers, why he called her, what did he say, or just go with Plan A. How can I do plan A when I get so angry thinking about him talking to her? Why should I be loving and sweet and all that? Won't he just feel like it's not a big deal and I got over it quickly and he might feel like he can get away with it again if I don't do something other than be nice and sweet.

I didn't read your story yet but you have hit on one of the fundamental problems that people have with Plan A and that is it doesn't seem to make rational sense. But it does work. This is one of those things you just have to accept on faith. The short answer to your question is that no he won't think he has gotten away with something. Plan A is something you have to do all the way. You cannot have a Plan A-.

Also.. plan A is a PLAN.
A strategy, with a time limit.
Meant to give your M the best shot for the future it's got.
It's not something you're supposed to do all your life, because that would turn you into a doormat.

The alternative to Plan A is to be angry, bitter, and resentful -- which does nothing to stop the affair and actually provides the WS with ammunition to support the affair.

But my experience with Plan A is that it often leads to fence-sitting (the affair continues and the marriage goes on autopilot with the BS slowly getting more resentful over the situation everyday). That is why there is a time limit, because after all, the BS's emotional needs aren't being met either. Resentment builds, and soon the BS no longer wants to save the marriage, leaving nobody with a desire to reconcile.

So I'm supposed to be this nice sweet person, meet all of his EN and he will do what? There is NC between them, I am just still angry when I think about him talking to her and not me, how do I get over that?

If there is no contact between them, why do you need Plan A? If the affair is over there is usually a period of withdrawal and then you both should start working the MB marriage rebuilding plan. That plan provides you with some ways of dealing with your anger.

As long as there is NC b/w them and he repeately says so and apologizes for what he did AND meets your EN, this is a good indication.

FACT: YOU may NOT be able to get over the fact that your H was capable of lying, cheating on you as long as you two are married. You will continue to have trigger moments. But as you read some of the BS posts who have been in recovery and survived, you will have less and less trigger moments. There is no time frame to when you get over your anger. Only YOU can decide that. The problem is that as long as you ALLOW your anger to dictate your behavior towards your H, it will eat you alive to the point that your M may not survive.

If you haven't had IC yet, do so. It will help you personally. MC for the both of you should be in order. Use plan A only if there is contact.

Good luck.

Hey there,
I am glad there is no contact. However, in respect of you and your marriage, ask your husband to write her a no contact letter.

Now, for Plan A. If there is no contact, a 'normal' plan is not called for- However, much of Plan A can be used to draw your husband back to you and help reignite the romance.

My FWH's A was over. No contact has been established when I found out. I could look back and see how I had let some things go. I had not focused on meeting his needs. I had let myself go, too you might say. I guess in a way I took him and our relationship for granted.

I made many changes- I made meeting his needs a priority. A huge one for him is attractive spouse. I started making me a priority as well and in turn that met his EN of attractive spouse.

My suggestion for you would be to purchase and read Surviving an Affair. Do the questions with your husband and get busy at meeting his needs while also making yourself a priority.

Did you give him Joseph's letter?

Sometimes it helped me to write out my questions and give them to my FWH ahead of time. That way I did not get as emotional while I was asking them and he was answering them.

As an aside note, because there was no sex, many men think it is not 'as big a deal' that is not the case for womem. Because there was no sex, I doubt your husband will understand your need to know.

I understand your need completely. Mine told me all I needed to know was that it was over. Wrong! I explained to him that it was arrogant of him to decide what I needed to hear in order to heal. It did not happen over nght, but he has answered the questions.

I know it seems like an eternity to you, but in reality the time is short. Just keep on making your self and your home and marraige an atractive place to be.

Here's a question to ponder:

What are you going to do with the info, 'should' he give it to you? How will you be able to distinguish the truth from the babble? Then ask, why? How will that knowledge help you?

Now I must tell you that many of us BS seek those answers....what we fail to consider is what t/d with those answers once we get them. So that's why I asked.

L.