I posted this on another thread and you responded so I thought I'd move this to a thread 4 u:


Catgirl responded:
Orchid; Your question was requsting clarification about presenting everything as a family package.

What I mean by that statement is to say that often the WS tries to say stupid stuff like:

WS: I will come back but only for the children.
WS: Don't worry, I will take care of the children.
WS: I only love the children not you.

That's bull crap.

The smart BS will present all reasons for contact from the WS to affect the entire family.

Ex:

BS: The children and I.....
BS: Our family needs......
BS: Our family wants.....

See? Even if it is just your need, as a parent most of your needs revolve around your children, even if it is a need for some quiet time. So don't make it what U want or need. Present the same need as coming from the family and for the family.

So if Johnny needs a bike.....u say: The family needs a bike. If little Susie needs school supplies..... u say: the family needs school supplies..... you need a hair cut... u say, the family needs to get their hair done.

ok? A unified front is much better than a divided one.

L.

Thanks! I uderstand now.

Good. Howz about posting your info here so we can help you directly? It's kinda hard when your responses are on different threads.

Just a thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Catgirl,
Here's your last post on another thread. Brought it here like Orchid did to try and keep together.

I'm having exactly the same feelings that you are and I think most folks here would say that they have all experienced the same thing.

I thought I had found Mr. Wonderful and got WH instead. I think there were red flags that I ignored out of ignorance. I wish I had found this site long ago. I don't think I'd be in the position I am in now.

But, there's nothing wrong w/fighting for your M if that's what you have determined that you want. And, if it doesn't work out, just remember, God is in control of everything but, we all have free will. Otherwise, we'd all be robots. God gave us free will b/c He wants us to love Him willingly, not out of compulsion.

I got past an A w/my WH the first year of our marriage. It was hard being "with" him again but I got past it. Now, I don't know if I want to. But I could if I did want to. Time will heal the pain. I went from minutes not thinking about it, to hours, then days, etc. You will never forget but the pain will lessen with time.

Of course you'll hear that he's happy. Do you really think he wants you of all people to know he thinks he made a mistake?

In my case I think the A was in trouble before I found out. On the romantic affair thread a couple of things fit my husband to a T. I do think he's a philanderer. He did choose someone who is a total opposite of him. Nothing in common but sex. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> And, they even have some technical issues in that dept (her's not his). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> There's was (is???) a romantic A.

And, As are easier than a M. It's all built on a stack of lies. Both have their best foot forward. They don't have to deal with real life issues. You're at home taking care of house, kids, bills. He's playing.

How often does he see the kids? Maybe they both need a "dose" of reality.

Thanks everyone for being so kind to me. I really appreciate it!

I will post all of my things on here from now on.

L2S,
That's exactly what I am having trouble dealing with now. I'm stuck home with these kids and their emotional problems, they are in IC cuz of him, and he's out playing and having a good time!

He sees the kids for about 5 hours, one day of the weekend. This weekend wasn't "convenient" for him, so no visit. Wish I could say that some days aren't convenient for me to deal with the kids! He doesn't call them at all during the week. I've mentioned it to him, but he doesn't care.

I think when OW, who is M by the way, and has no kids, realizes what it's like to have an A with a guy almost twice her age that has kids, her fantasy might bust. That's why I'm trying to have him take the kids more often. But he laways has "things to do". Might have to get the courts involved.

Him taking the kids more often, would mean her sitting home alone, while he's with his kids. Doubt that would sit well in fantasy land!

Letting him have the children more often.....get it in writing (visitation agreeement). Sounds like a good plan! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Btw, let the kids ask him for whatever they want (within reason of course).....the object is the more he spends on the famly, the less for the OW and her $$bags king will be poorer. ;( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

That's exactly what I'm doing. "Go ask Daddy, I can't afford it." He tells them he can't either, he has his place and expenses to pay for.

I heard she wanted to get involved with someone that was loaded. Guess it's time to burst her bubble!

Does she "think" he's loaded?

I guess anything is possible where reconciliation or divorce are concerned. But, think of it this way:

Both of them are married and having an affair. Neither of them are available. So, how much trust do you really think exists between them?

I can tell you that the OW my WH is/was involved with (who is by the way 12 years older than my H) was/is very jealous of me. Every time she called him and he was on the phone or someone beeped in, she thought it was me.

So, rest assured as much of a good front that he or she puts on it, all is not well in fairytale land. How could it be?

Make him take a bigger role by lessening your role. Don't take care of everything. If the kids need something, need ot go somewhere, want something, they have a dad, too. He's been pretending to be a single man and he's not.

I'm quite sure there are a few chinks somewhere that you could get a foothold into. But, doing a good plan B and delaying the divorce for now (if that's what you decide to do), you may just discover that deep down inside you don't really want to continue the M, you're just scared of the unknown. He's comfortable, kind of like a worn-out pair of shoes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

L2S,
You seem to know exactly what I'm thinking!!! Yes, He is comfortable, that's why I don't want to start over. I am scared of the unknown. We've been togehter almost half my life.

Who knows, maybe in time even if he is remorseful, I won't want him back. I realy don't know what I want anymore. I change my mind every day!

He does think he is single. That's why he loves livng with OW. No responsibilty.

I'm not sure if OW is jealous of me. I doubt it. I can imagine what picture WH painted of me to her. Poor, poor WH, having to live with a bitc* of a W.

I just can't see how WH can look DD in face knowing she knows what he and OW are doing! Does he have no conscience?

Yes she does think he is loaded. He makes good $$ and she has expensive taste.

Conquer your fear of the unknown. Think back. What fears of the unknown have you conquered in the past and survived?

L.

My WHs OW probably thinks he's loaded, too. He is a real charmer and presents himself as someone w/money. And, I have financially supported that perception. He won't be destitute when I'm gone and will be okay but he won't have the money he had while I was there.

Once your WH starts paying child support (does he help you now?) he won't have so much disposable income. Also, he might get tired of her expensive tastes. Is he generous or stingy?

Yeah, they love to live like their single while someone else is taking care of everything. I have stupidly done lots of house work, laundry, bills, shopping, etc. for my WH which only gave him more time to have As. How stupid was that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

As Orchid said, look back and think about that bad times you've come through, your stones of remembrance. You've probably gotten through a lot of stuff that you thought you couldn't but did.

And, you know deep down inside that you can get through this, too. You might not want to but you can. We will both be fine. We're much stronger than we think we are.

No, he does not help me now. I've been livng off of our savings account. We go to court soon for temp. support. Said he has no $$ to support us and his place.

He likes to spend $$. Likes the good life.

Yeah, me too. I did everything in the house.
You are right There are a few things that I never thought I would get through, deaths in the family, health problems etc. But I did.

I know I will somehow get through this too. I really have no choice. As I said in an earlier post, we were put on a path that we didn't ask for. We have to survive whether we like it or not. Just wish we didn't have to.

People tell me I am strong. I don't feel it. I take hour by hour and it's not easy, as you well know.

You know, I've got a feeling that you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for being.

Hey, a big chink in the affair armor is coming as soon as you start getting temp support. She ain't gonna like that and neither is he. So, it rains in fairytale land, too. Uh Oh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You aren't going to just survive, you're going to flourish. Now, I don't know if you are a Christian but I assume so b/c you said you had been going to church. I just felt within my spirit the need to type the words above "you are going to flourish".

God is our protector, our salvation, our tower of strength. We can't do anything by ourselves but, with His help, we can conquer anything. (I'm preaching to myself right now). I need to be living that.

You are going to be fine; not just okay but great.

I really hope for you that your WH comes to his senses. Maybe the temp child support will be a reality check for him. So far, he's just moved out and let you pick up the pieces. Now he is going to be forced to deal with the reality of his choices. Here come some consequences.

I would imagine there will be some problems in the A starting soon.

Are you out there?
How are you doing?

Just thinking about you.

L2S,
Yes I am here. Have been busy these past few days getting papers together for court. DS has been sick too.

Please know how honored I feel that you take the time to answer me and are concerned about me. It really means alot right now, since I don't have many to turn to here at home, this site has helped me more than you know!

Yes I am a Christian, but my faith is fading. I posted a poem here the other day, that I read daily. I'm trying to convince myself what I read is true, but it's hard.

Haven't heard from WH. He doesn't call the kids all week. He'll be taking them Sunday for the day. I do hope you are right in that he wakes up soon and sees the destruction he's done. He can't afford to give me $$ now for some bills we have, how will he pay temp. child support? He says he can't support his apt. and me too. Time to ask OW to help him then. She's living there!

I do hope the OW will feel the effects of him paying me. As you said, they are living in fantasy land now. Going out to dinner all the time etc., while we're home eating mac and cheese!

Yes, he has left his family to be "single" again and left me to deal with it all. It's about time he felt some of his consequences.

My father would always say about situations...give it time. I'm trying to be patient and know that he will get his. I know that sounds mean, but he's living the life right now and we are suffering for his actions.

Guess I'm feeling sorry for myself again.

But thanks again for thinking of me.

How are you doing?

CG,

Good to hear from you. Sorry your little one is not feeling well.

As for the WS.....there's is a sorry state of mind (or lack thereof).

Still we must move forward. Taking care of your family is one of those moving forward things.

One thing about $$, it doesn't waiver....you either have it or don't. Your family is his expsense and must come before the comforts of the A. Take as much of it as you can. Lack of funds makes it harder t/b selfish. Consider it one of your tools. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It belongs to your family....if it means he has to eat only 1 meal a day (that's what my WS told me), then so be it. I reminded him that was his choice not mine.

take care,
L.

CG,
You're normal. I think we all question God at some point in life. When things don't go the right way and good doesn't win out we sometimes wonder what's the point or if God cares or if He even exists.

But, we both know that He does care and He does exist. The Bible is full of men and women who faced some really hard struggles but it's the end that we're all striving for. I've heard plenty of folks talk about how sinners seem to be having all the fun but, they're experiencing their heaven now and we're experiencing our h*ll.

By all means do whatever you can to get all the support you can. A judge is not going to be too concerned with the expenses associated w/him maintaining a life style attractive to the OW.

He's the one that is going to lose in the end. And yes, your dad is right: give it time. That time may just be what you need to realize that you don't need him in your life to be happy or complete. Or, that time may make him realize that he needs you, not the OW.

Anyway, whatever happens, just know that there are folks here willing to help or at least listen. There are some really awesome folks here that give great advice.

If you're like me you don't really have anyone that you can talkly freely with about your situation. Come here.

Take care. Keep the faith.

20th anniversary coming up next week. Don't know how I will handle that. WH and I always went away every year for our anniversary. Will be a very sad time.

Wonder if WH will be thinking about me that day. With OW in picture, I doubt it!

Would have liked to have at least made that milestone.

I am so sorry but take the advice of those here and do what's best for you and your children's future. He has made her bed now let him and OW lay in it. Whatever happens to him or them is not something you did. The future and its outcomes are totally on them.

I know how you feel about the anniversary date. My WW'd birthday is next week and then one month later is our anniversary and two weeks later we will be having Armageddon for custody, property split, etc in court.

Hang in there! and God Bless!