(We've been seperated since May 19, he left because of my emotional abuse due to my past with sexual abuse. Which I'm now working on and getting help with! I still have a long road ahead but I'm getting better everyday.)

My in-laws and I have had a trip planned to go visit a family member that is getting ready to move FAR away for a week or two now. We were going to go visit them this next Sunday. My mother-in-law just called me and said that they changed their plans and didn't think it was such a good idea that "we" go anymore. It's not just they aren't going with me, but they aren't going, period, anymore. This decision has made MIL a little upset. After asking what caused them to change their minds they said that they had talked to my H and he didn't think it was such a good idea. MIL said he didn't do it in anger, but he just said that he didn't think it was a good idea. I see this as an opportunity to show H that I've changed because the old me would be full of rage and want to hurt H. However, I don't know what to do. Should I call him and ask him if he thought it wasn't a good idea for his parents to go with me, or if he just simply didn't want them to go because of other reasons, i.e. weather has been bad here, that sort of thing. What should I do??? Any and ALL imput is needed and appreciated!! Is this a good time for me to be an example of my new ways, or what do I do?????????? HELP!!!

Were your H's reasons justified? Does the relative want you all to come and visit?

Can u go by yourself or with another? Sounds like H is havng a tantrum (very immature btw) and his parents are enabling it. Don't chastise them. Tell them thanks for letting you know so you can make other arrangements and let it be. They don't have to be privy to your plans.

If your H is being unreasonable. Don't argue do what you think is best. Remember this task you have is to do your best for yourself and all involved. However, you don't enable an immature adult.

L.

I don't think so. I'm not sure I understand what your asking here.


Absolutely!!!! They'll be disappointed to hear we're not coming.


I could. I just didn't know if that would be such a good idea. If H found out I went to visit he might get upset with me. I don't want to enable, as you say, an "immature adult" but I also don't want to do something to push him over the edge.



So do I call him up and even ask him about it?? I just think that right now I could let him have a glimpse at the "new" me.

If u r afraid of his reaction or can't handle his reaction....he didn't tell you so you don't have to tell him. He made his parents cancel their plans. R U gonna let him to that to you via a 3rd party (his parents)?

You weren't told NOT to go. Your fears (while they maybe founded) have not been confirmed, even if they were, they are coming from an immature source. Do you take directions from an immature source?

If he questions you, let him know his parents decided NOT to go but you didn't change your plans. He is welcome to come along but don't change your plans unless he comes up with a mature and valid reason.

JMHO,
L.

So do I call him and ask him about his conversation with his parents...if so how do I bring it up in a loving manner?? Maybe..."Hey H, I was going to go visit so-and-so with your parents this weekend, but I just talked to your mom and she said that they changed their plans and aren't going. She said that she had talked to you about the trip and you had advised them that it wasn't a good idea. I'm just wondering if this is accurate, and if so why?"

I mean do you start off like that or what....???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Ok, well I just decided that I didn't want to make that drive twice in one day b/c it is a long trip to where the moving family lives. However, I decided that I would send the family a card. So I decided that a way I could show my husband that I really am working on myself would be to call him so I did. I just got off the phone with him. I told him that I'd planned a trip with his parent's to go visit "so-&-so", and that they had called me telling me that they had talked to him and since he told them he thought it wasn't a good idea that they go with me they decided not to go. I then told H that I thought about going up there anyway by myself but that I had decided against it and decided instead to just send a card.

He responded with why are you sending them a card?? I said to tell them hello and wish them well on their move and in their new home and job. (They are moving FFAAAARRR away)

I then told him that the reason I called was to ask him if he wanted me to write anything in the card for him. And his response was if I want to tell them something I can do it myself. Well...I just said ok, and then changed the conversation to "What are you doing?" very light talk for just a few moments. He was only responding with very short one word answers so I told him that I'd let him go, that I loved him, and I hope he had a good rest of the day.

And that was it.....

I wish I knew what he was thinking about, and what he was dealing with. He's told me in the past that when he knows he's going to hurt someone he has a hard time expressing his feelings. He supresses them because he doesn't want to hurt the other person, a.k.a. me!

Why are you trying t/b civil or reason with a WS? Don't u see that no matter what you do he will hate it? Don't give him the info, just do what you need. Whether you go or stay he (the WS) will NOT like it. You are just torturing yourself.

Have you read His needs/Her needs by Dr Harley?

L.

trust orchid she is like a physic everthing shes been telling me has happenend one way or another

I guess your right...I just want him to know that I care about him.

How so?? I don't feel like I'm torturing myself, but then again I could be and I just don't know it. Because when I kept the secret of my sexual abuse from everyone, I didn't even realize that it was ripping me up. Not to mention the fact that I was emotional abusing the people closest to me.

Thanks jm75. Ok, well since I made that phone call, H called back and said he wanted to come over and talk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I immediately called my closest pray warrior buddies and told them to pray for me, and to pray for strength and clarity of mind so that I could be rational and loving. And then I hit my knees and prayed until he got here.

Well, he started off by saying that he was upset at me for putting his parents between a rock and a hard place 9as he put it) by asking them to go visit this family member that's moving. He said he had a lot of resentment towards me because of it, and that he didn't understand why I would want to go with them to visit this person. I told him that I "was" family, and he just said that with everything that we're dealing with he thought that was weird.

He then told me that by me inviting his parents over to my parents house for the 4th of July was weird, and that he resented me for that to. I told him that I invited him to, but he choose not to come. I also said that my mom wanted them to come over, and your parents could have said no if that didn't feel comfortable. My in-laws even sent me a thank you email for the invite, and that they had a great time getting to visit with everyone. I didn't just invite my H and his parents.

He then starts telling me how much resentment he has for all of the material possesions that he brought into this marriage. I think he feels this way because with his previous D he basically lost everything. He also kept telling me that I needed to begin thinking about what we're going to do with the house because he didn't think that either one of us could afford it on our own. And, that I needed to figure out what I wanted. When I asked him to clarify this statment he just basically reworded the same thing, that well just figure out what you would like to have.

Through out the entire conversation he NEVER used the D word!! I was the only one that did towards the end of the conversation when I said, "Ok, let me make sure I'm understanding this correctly. You want to divorce me, and split up all of our possesions, and you never want to be with me again. After, that I don't really remember exactly what he said. I think he kept dancing around the same thing he had said the entire time he was here. He just kept saying that he wanted me to start thinking about what I wanted.

He said that we needed to figure out what we were going to do because he couldn't stand living in that 1 bedroom apartment on a air mattress, ANYMORE!!!

I'm thinking maybe it's time I start putting together a list of things. This DOES NOT IN ANY WAY MEAN that I want a divorce, but he also said that he was tired of me always trying to change his mind. Maybe if I get on with it he'll change his mind down the road at some point. I tryed to help him understand that I didn't want to try to change his mind anymore, but he didn't want to hear it, or maybe I didn't say it right. I thought I did anyways.

What do you guys think??? Anybody....anybody at all, please advice.

He's babbling again. Read this again....is that confusing or what?!?!?!? If so, do NOT use his logic to make any life changing decisions.

L.

Did I miss a day? I thought abused1's H was out of the house due to her verbal abuse, not because he was having an A.

He is out of the house because of my emotional abuse.

Just got this email from H.....

Hey. Just checking on you this morning. Hope you are feeling OK.
I'm sorry that I've hurt you. Please feel free to call me if you need
me or if you just want to talk.

I'M NOT FEELING HURT!!!! I've tried to tell him this and he will not listen!!

And here's the reply my in-laws sent....

(my name), I love you and I always will. You know how close we are to (my husband, their son) and anything that bothers him is our utmost concern. I have prayed that all these problems could be resolved, but God is not listening to me. We have always welcomed you into our family and loved having you.

The last two years have taken such a toll on us, first losing (two VERY close family members). (Family that is) moving so far away is not easy either.

Please know you are always welcome to call me, come by, or e-mail.

My love to you and the ones you love, (mother in-law)


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have prayed that all these problems could be resolved, but God is not listening to me.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


This sounds to me like my in-laws are giving up hope. What does this sound like that to you guys?

I know that I don't need support from them(in laws) because they will support their son, which is a given. But, I feel like I'm being played with by my H. He keeps going back and forth b/w different emotions which I guess is a good sign because that tells me that he isn't sure what he wants but that he might still care for me. What do you here at MB's think?

I think that your husband is in a fragile place. You can second-guess him until the cows come home, but you can't know what's really going on.

What you can do is to make sure that you stay as grounded and calm as you can. You've done really well at that so far, and I know that it can use up energy and sometimes it can tax your reserves. So build those reserves back up with some really, really good self-care. Do the things that feed your soul and your core values.

And -- recognize that the card and the visit are both compassionate acts and belong in that box of your core values inventory. So's your concern for your husband, and your concern for your in-laws. They are also things that build the connections in your community, your friends, and the people you love. Do not allow your husband's resentment to diminish these things. I am sure that his healing path will be as long or longer than yours. Accept where he is on that path right now and try not to control the journey he takes.

From my own experience, none of us look back on our journeys completely happily. We all make mistakes. Try to forgive them -- and try to improve with them as well.

That's what I'm trying to figure out. Where is he on that path of recovery, because he just keeps telling me that he's done with us and wants me to figure out what I want to keep(materially). Then he calls and sends emails asking how I'm doing, and at church we even interlock fingers when we hold hands to pray. I don't want to control his path, but it does seem to me like he keeps jumping from one road to another. When I speak to him like he is on one path he automatically jumps to another path. I'm always having to second guess him when I'm with him or speaking to him.

Ok, I had to call H because there was a funny looking charge on the credit card bill that came in this afternoon. The conversation was fine, and he asked me if I'd talked to my BF. I said not today, but I knew that she had tried to call me earlier but I couldn't get back in touch with her. Well H informed me that she had found a lump in her breast and the doc had told her she needed to have a mammogram. Well, this wasn't a surprise to me because my BF had told me that she needed to go to the doc because she had found something. She had told me this about a week ago. Well, when I finally got a hold of BF she said nothing about her doc visit today. She did say that she went to OBGYN, but told me nothing about the fact that he told her to go get a mammogram. Maybe I'm thinking about this to much because she did have her 5 year old and her 2 year old in the car with her, and maybe she just didn't want to say anything in front of them. My H had told me that she did not want her mom to find out about her needing a mammogram, and her mom keeps her children during the day. So I suppose this could be why she didn't bring it up. I guess I'll just wait around and see if she informs me of her doc news tomorrow.

Why is he sooo knowledgeable about another woman's breasts?

L.