I just found out two days ago that my suspicions about my husband of 13 years, with which we have 3 children, is true. He has started an affair with his old love. 20 years ago he was on the brink of suicide because she dumped him and several times when we have had trouble in our marriage, I find out that he's gone to her for confort and support. This time he's gone to the next level and has kissed her, nothing more at this time but he says he thinks about more. He looks at the situation with her as an "opportunity" he never hought he'd have. So, after trying to work on the relationship, mostly from my side the past couple of months, he is not only having an affair, but discusses what he should do about our marriage with her. She's supposedly moving in a couple months to another town for a new job. He says he has no intentions of going with her. He's trying to decide what he wants and says that it's not a decision of us vs. her. The affair, of course, wasn't intended and isn't the underlying cause. Now I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. We're talking and he's being "deliberate" in his thinking aobut us and taking stock in what he's got to lose. I've told him I fully intend to work things out with him if/when he chooses to stay with us knowing it won't be easy. But I've also told him that if he takes it to the next level with her that his family most likely won't be here for him, that I can't go through that again. I haven't told him to stop seeing her this time because it didn't necessarily happen in the past. Obviously since he went back to her again when things got tough.
So my question and call for help...is there any hope? Have I approached this in the proper manner? What should I do now, should I tell him he needs to write the letter of seperation? And what if he won't?
Any and all help and suggestions/guidance is greatly appreciated. I've talked about his briefly with a good friend, but I'm not sure she's fully supportive having been through something similar in her life.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you found us so early in this.

Please jump over and post on the General QuestionsII forum. That is where there is the most knowledge about affairs.

The starting point for you is Plan A, which includes being the best wife you can be and remaining calm.

There is lots of hope, and most husbands come back to their families.

I'm afraid I haven't been too calm, at least not the first night. The second night of talking I was a bit calmer and matter of fact. Thanks for your suggestion and words. I hope it comes to be. I've been thinking about Plan A but unsure how it works for our relationship at home. He's still here and I don't know how I should relate to him, especailly in a physical way.

If you are sure that he isn't having a physical affair, you should continue the sex. If there is any possibility that he has been physical (and they tend to lie about such things), you need to have him tested for STD's first.

Plan A is your best bet.

THanks again! He says they've only kissed, and probalby stupidly I believe him. Only becasue he has answered all my questions about the affair so far that I've asked. I'm going to the GQII now to look formore guidance. Thank you for your time and advice.

For anyone reading this and wondering how things are, please refer to my other post with updates, Plan A in action. HELP!!!
I've have been thankful for this site, those who have posted to me and on thier situations, and highly encourage everyone finding advice and refuge here to continue. Caring does exist here and staying calm and true will pay.