BSDSC - I really don't know what to say except that I've felt this way for a very long time towards H. It's not just "foggy thinking" because it was there WAY before the OM even came along. I've felt this resentment towards H for many years. (yes, I know I should have gotten out a long time ago but I didn't and I'm here now) It may be another case of "justification" in your eyes, but drugs, multiple affairs, severe $$ abuse, gambling addictions. I've got to say I'm pretty sure that's not normal behavior. I don't think what I'm dealing with, have dealt with are typical marital problems.

I will say that my feelings for OM are probably what has brought all of this to a head, but I've ALWAYS felt like this towards H. Feelings for OM are probably what has caused me to dissect my marriage the way I have. My EA has caused my H to look at himself and the things he's done as well. Thanks for calling it as you see it and I hope you will continue to give insight, but I'm having a hard time agreeing with that particular post.

SS - thank you for taking the time to dissect my post. It means alot. Yes, I for sure would want my kids to confide in me. The thing is when I started "enabling or covering up" for H I didn't think that would be a process that would continue for the rest of our relationship. It snowballed. If my dd confided in me the stuff that I've been through I've gotta tell you, I would wring her H's neck. I would have a VERY hard time keeping peace with him from that point further. I am a pretty private person with my feelings, but a very public person in my personality. H is very private with feelings and private in public as well.

When H and I first got together we were inseperable (sp?), on the phone constantly, going out to parties, hanging with friends. We would sit around and talk for hours! We were 17 then. I think his bipolar started to rear it's head around 20 or 21. I think he started the affairs, drugs and whatever around this point and it has continued until now. The thing is, I didn't KNOW all of this stuff was going on until years later. I think when he started doing all of this stuff, he knew it was wrong, but continued anyway. When I started finding out bits and pieces of his actions and confronting him = that's when the communication stopped.

He had to answer for himself and couldn't do it but didn't stop the behavior either. I was away @ college and he stayed in our hometown. We got married a year after I moved back home after college. I was working 2 jobs, planning our wedding and we didn't see eachother a whole lot and I don't think we ever really had a chance to connect or reconnect before our marriage. I guess by my thinking - we'd been together 7 years, marriage was the next logical step - things will get better when we're married and have the time we need with each other. Things didn't get better w/ marriage, I didn't find this out until later, but he would put his uniform as if he were going to work, leave saying he had to work over before and after his shift - would go somewhere change clothes. He would then go to a casino for 10-12 hours, put his uniform back on and walk in the door like he'd been @ a hard days work. I never knew this because our finances were seperate. They were seperate because he abused $$ very badly then.

I think we then just got caught up in the whirlwind of life, and because of his conflict avoidance we've never dealt with the things that we should have. It is unfortunate that 2 counselors didn't diagnose his BPD 10 years ago when we sought out help. If they would have it could have saved alot of pain.

Bottom line is even through it all we're still here together. Granted it is a complete mess right now, but we both want to see what pieces if any can be put back together. Neither of us wants to have what we had before the OM, we want something different, something new. I will say that H has been taking his meds right for the last few days and he called a local support group last night to find out when their meetings are. He's also getting some referrals of psych doctors that know about bipolar. He even seems excited to get some help. We've had help through counselors, but it's never been the RIGHT kind of help (dealing with a mental illness) I feel like I'm in limbo right now, but that's ok.

For those reading, I know I'm rambling and may not make sense alot of times, but thank you for taking the time to read and even more thanks for your prayers.

SS - you are so thoughtful in your posts I want you to know that I've read them all thoroughly and am trying to absorb everything that I'm reading here - good and bad. I have read some of the links that you've provided, and will read the ones that I haven't yet read. Thanks again.

Cardsonly - I would love to contact you privately, seems like we have lots in common and maybe we could help each other out.

BSDBC……

You have been where? Done what? Have you been married for 20 years to a chronically depressed person or a person with mental illnesses? Do you know ANYTHING about co-dependency? Were you abused in your marriage? Unless you have walked in THESE shoes, you cannot speak to the situation. Minimizing the pain and suffering of these marriages is both insensitive AND destructive.

I am not in ANY fog and it is completely offensive and short-sighted to treat these situations as if we simply became bored with our H’s and looked for an affair. You have no idea…..

NO ONE is justifying affairs OR blaming their H’s. In both of our cases the marriage and love was lost LONG before any other person came into the picture. There are HUGE issues to deal with. Deep, emotional issues for us. Yes, I agree with you and said the OM has to be out of the picture in order for the marriage to be addressed. Part of healing from co-dependency is RECOGNIZING our roles in what happened and deciding to take responsibility for our own happiness. Building UP our self esteem, not further destroying it with derogatory comments.

I want to make one more point. I have read everything on this site, plus Harley's books. I believe the principles and ideas are sound. There are varying degrees of marital issues and problems, and I DO believe that ANY marriage can be saved if both parties WANT it and if both parties are WILLING and ABLE to put the work in and believe that it can be a fulfilling relationship. But, I think it's simplistic to state that when an affair is over and that 3rd person is out of the marital picture, the feelings of love will just come back. I think it's POSSIBLE, but not without very hard work in some instances. Sometimes the couple has to start completely over and learn to love each other again. And sometimes there are much deeper issues that have to be faced individually and/or as a couple.

Callie.....

Again, what you have posted is a mirror to me. I have had GREAT difficulty buying my H birthday, father's day, and anniversary cards for YEARS. Sometimes I just didn't. I couldn't give him a card that was a lie. When I started realizing this difficulty with the buying of cards I KNEW there was BIG trouble.

Also, you talk about the "picture" of your life. Again...exactly what happened here. We are in circles of friends from church and school. We have the "perfect-looking" life. Kids at private schools, nice home, nice vacations with other famiies. No one would have suspected what was going on. Like you, I kept the facade going and held everything together so we looked like we had it all. What we all know now is....we don't. That's where the work begins.

I think I am a little ahead of you in terms of dealing with the situation. Counselling has helped me define and organize my feelings (2 of the counsellors I have seen are Christian and VERY pro-marriage). I have also talked to family members and a few close friends. For me, this all came to a head at the beginning of March. I was in so much pain, I was screaming to tell someone and get it out. I could no longer pretend. I could no longer sit as a couple with our friends, pretending we were like them, KNOWING how unhappy and how WRONG the whole relationship was. Telling people is a big step, and I got differing reactions, BUT it was a relief to not have to pretend and lie any more. I had to be extremely careful with this in order to protect my children. Most of these people knew about my H's depression, but none knew the severity and how it had affected our marital life and family.

I do not know how much more I want to divulge and discuss on this site about my situation, but you are more than welcome to email me at [email]lat2307@hotmail.com.[/email]

I hope that something of this helps you in any small way. I know it is a lonely place.

Callie,

I haven't done more than pop in here for a few minutes a few times in a while. My 3 older children were home from one of their 3 two week summer visits with thier dad. I hate them being away that long. Since I had the opportunity to stay at home with them all day(I'm still on maternity leave) in the middle of these long visits to his house, I wasn't around here much.

Anyway, I'm so glad to see you still here and getting such wonderful advice. For some reason you're initial posts really touched me and I thought you were a person desperately and truly seeking help. It's so hard to tell much about a person from a board like this but I really do believe you want to make things better and that you have had a long and bumpy road. I do think you still see your A and contractor in a very idealized and unrealistic way but you are still searching, willing and hoping and haven't walked out on your marriage. Sometimes that has to be enough to begin with.

Good luck to you, Callie. Again, you are getting great advice both for your marriage and for yourself.

Take care.

FIM

Your words, not mine.

I'm not convinced.

I haven't seen anyone take any responsibility for their part of the marriage. My point is that when a WS is caught up in the fog, it IS very possible to re-write history to some degree to make yourself feel better about the affair. A WS cannot trust their own mind while they are caught up in the fog and even after the fog. I won't go on to talk about re-writing history, there is plenty of information on the forums. Fantasy thoughts about OM will overide any logical thinking. Even after those fantasy thoughts subside, you can still hold on to the re-written history to make yourself feel better about what you've done.

No one should accept abuse in their M. If abuse is still happening what is the benefit of staying in the M? It is YOUR choice, plain and simple. Maybe you should just release your H of anymore responsibility of your condition and get a D. I am not trying to offend anyone by any means, I am just stating my view from my own experience as a FWW. Maybe it will help someone.

BSCDC,

I stand by my original question to you.

Why are you here? And why are you only posting on THIS thread?

What is your story?

I am also a FWW, and I find your lack of empathy for Callie and Card's situations offensive.

You are not being helpful, you are making judgements.

Have you ever lived with a mentally ill person before? One who hasn't always been medicated?

Someone who has multiple addictions?

I have, and while it doesn't justify an A, it is a serious issue that needs to be dealt with FIRST, before a M can heal.

No, the grass is NEVER always greener, but these ladies are surviving some pretty tough stuff. It is a testiment to who they are as women that they are HERE, trying to figure out how to fix the messes they got themselves into. We can help them through the fog, but we can also be supportive of the stressful family situations they endure on a daily basis.

Again I ask, why are you really here?

KM

FIM - thanks for your support. I just want to have a happy life, I want some peace. Being here for the last week or so has done more for me and for H than ALL of the marriage counselors. Thanks again for thinking of me.

Cardsonly - Amazing that you've kept a secret of your life too. I will email you - this is sad thing to say, but it feels good to know that there is someone out there who has been through what I've been through.

Katie Mae - Thanks, thanks, just thanks for everything you've done.

Well I guess I wanted to give some kind of update - I don't want to turn this into a blog, but it seems to be a temporary one. Is there a good place to create a blog for this subject? It feels pretty good to put facts and feelings out there. It helps me organize things in my mind and I appreciate the feedback - good and bad.

Well H has called a local support group leader and talked to the lady at length today. He is going to attend their meetings. He also made an appt with a psych. dr. that she highly recommended. He has also started taking his meds as is prescribed. This is way more than he's EVER done in trying to repair our marriage. I am hopeful, and I hope we can get some answers and direction. I should say I'm very hesitant hopeful. Don't want to focus on the negative, but for 18 years things have ALWAYS went back to the way they were before. I pray that this time is different.

H and I also talked about the fact that we don't really want to spend time together, but we know that we need to to have any kind of re-connection. Not sure how to overcome that. If you put a movie in to watch we're good to go but that is just what we've always done to be together but not "together". We are going to work on that - any suggestions without "forcing it"?.

I've also told him that he needs to be COMPLETELY honest with me about EVERYTHING that he is feeling especially when it comes to his illness. I can be his biggest supporter in this and he knows it, but I need something from him that he's never given me before in order to REALLY help him - HONESTY. I will do the same and have told him so.

So I would say the last few days and what I've learned from this board about bipolar has definately turned us in the right direction, at least for now. I can't help but not trust it though. I'm trying not to think that way and going to continue to work on little things, but am really waiting to see what we figure out about BPD from the Dr. and support groups. If you'll remember he's been diagnosed with bipolar, but not classified yet. Basically his family doctor prescribed him meds, but there has been no followup. He has been in pretty good spirits lately, helpful around house and with the kids. I guess I am in a lay low, wait and see mode.

I hope this next paragraph doesn't offend or hurt anyone dealing with WS's but it is my truth... I saw OM in his truck again tonight (saw him a few days ago in his truck, which hardly ever happens - we live 7 miles apart). I didn't talk to him. It rips my heart out every time I see him. Still NC and will continue do my best. You know I haven't seen him - as in alone with him for 9 months. I have briefly talked to him at a gas station about 6 months ago. I can't believe this is so hard. You know if I wasn't married with two kids and he wasn't married would this still be classified as "fog" or would it be love. I know some are seething reading this, but I was thinking about it today. Is it the morality part that causes it to be labeled "not real, fantasy, fog?" That is a genuine question and my apologies if it is out of line on this board.

Thank you again for all of your help, I greatly appreciate it. The help I've gotten here surpasses any help that I've gotten in the last 18 years through 4 marriage counselors.

You know if I wasn't married with two kids and he wasn't married would this still be classified as "fog" or would it be love. I know some are seething reading this, but I was thinking about it today. Is it the morality part that causes it to be labeled "not real, fantasy, fog?" That is a genuine question and my apologies if it is out of line on this board.

You want so much to know something that can't be known.
I think you want the feelings to be OK. You want them to be right. You wonder if in another place, or another time if it would have, or could have been right.

My question for you is..... how does this help where you are now?
How does it help what you have to do?
Sometimes it's best to just leave it alone, and put it behind us, with the questions unanswered.

Please understand, this is said to help, in a spirit of love. You have been hurt enough, I'm not trying to add to it.


You are getting really good help here. Especially from these who have walked in your shoes, or close to it. I think the post from BSCDC is helpful if it helps you think about this from all sides.

I have started about 20 sentences about the FOG, but none of them come out right. Type, delete, type delete.

Maybe........... maybe it would help to keep in mind that spending time thinking on what might have been prevents you from thinking about where you are, and what to do. I don't want to cause you more pain, but the words from those who have been in your shoes are plain. If you continue to nurture these thoughts, it prevents you from getting where you need to be. You may have to take that on faith.

I read your history, and am thinking about it. I am sad for both of you. Lets see what happens.

Hope today is a good day.

SS

SS - No what if's don't help where I am right now. Thank you yet again for your kind and eloquent words. Kind of a rough day. Last night, H yet again left for work as if he were going and didn't go. I did not find that out until this morning. Not sure yet where he was, cards, thinking? I have no idea and it really doesn't matter. Our budget does not allow for repeated missed work and losing $$ @ poker as well. We haven't had much time to talk today, will find out more info later as to his whereabouts. He spent the day laying in bed in front of the TV. I got home from work and have spent 4+ hours cleaning the house, mowing, laundry. I"ve got about 4 more hours of the same. (no my house is not that dirty, but have been very busy w/ work and haven't had time to surface or deep clean. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) He just got out of bed (yes it is 6:00PM - he wasn't sleeping just watching tv ALL day) and left to make some calls without the kids interfering.

Sorry to be such a downer today - this is my life. What I deal with every day. Up one day, down the next - One day I'm hopeful for the future, the next day I'm planning my out. To all reading, thanks for taking the time to listen to my story.

I know,Callie…..no consistency, no stability, no security. I had the same scenario just last night and this morning.

SS….your post was very well said. The marriage has to be addressed and these problems have to be dealt with aside from ANY outside influences. AND, I do agree with BSCDC that in SOME cases the euphoria of feeling in love can cause a person to exaggerate the flaws in their spouse. For me, the “fog” was not that I felt in love with OM and we had grandiose plans to run away together. I knew intellectually that I couldn’t possibly love OM. We had never met, there was lots I didn’t know about him. The fog was simply that he was there giving me attention which allowed me to not face the dysfunction and problems in my marriage.


Of course, lack of meeting needs is the case for most cases of infidelity. People get bored or complacent about their marriage, the spouses drift apart. Then someone new and exciting enters in – AFFAIR happens. I think the difference is in the severity of the marital problems and issues. In my case (and I suspect in Callie’s case), there have been YEARS of no intimacy and lack of connection between my H and me. I was totally closed off to him for a very long time. The mental health issues are partly responsible for the loss of that connection and intimacy. Add to that how the illnesses simply affect day to day life. It’s all-encompassing. I was just plodding away with trying to keep things together, ignoring & pretending that we were the same as the happy families of my friends and family members. I enabled the situation & was a co-dependent in that WE (my H AND I) covered up the extent of his problems and the extent of the marital problems. This was going on for YEARS. I am NOT proud of that, but at the time thought I was doing the RIGHT thing, at least for my kids and my H. So, when someone gave me attention (the EA), that uncovered a little bit of that hole that I had closed off. Of course that felt good, and I had not realized how much I had denied & stuffed all the feelings. When the EA ended, there was a gaping hole. A very, very painful gaping hole which unearthed a boatload of hurts, disappointments, and resentments. It was THEN that I HAD to face the problems of the marriage.

My point to all of this, Callie, is that I don’t believe you are in a fog about your home situation. You have lived it for so long. I have lived it enough and know by what you say that we are living the same life. I DO, however, think you have to break away from your thinking about OM. Five months of NC is great and you need to continue that, but you need to focus on yourself, H, and kids right now. I don’t think you’re exaggerating about your H, and I would venture to say that you have a pretty realistic view of your situation. As you said, too, this started YEARS ago for you.

The only “fog” I was in, was the “fog” of the past 12 to 15 years when I was pretending things would be OK, and the (unrealistic) belief that I would be able to just gut through it and support my H like a wife is supposed to do, disregarding every need I have. AND, if I weren’t now becoming unhealthy myself, I would probably still be in the fog of doing just that. The events of my marriage are the facts as I stated them, and my H knows it. The question is if we can both face it and BOTH change. He has many things to work on, but I, too, have to change my enabling behavior and break out of the roles that I have been living. If the marriage has any chance at all, BOTH of us have individual work to do in order to change for ourselves AND the marriage.

Obviously, these are only MY opinions that I have found to be true in my situation. I hope that there is something in there that will help.

Callie,

Seeing OM's truck is still contact. Do you seek out his truck?

I'm only asking because I just learned that seeing glimpses of OM hurts your recovery, and keeps you involved in the fantasy.

It sounds like you have so much on your plate, thinking about the "what ifs" is much easier than using the extra time and mental energy to really take care of yourself.

I think continuing to write here is a good idea... many people have threads that are very much like blogs.

Cards, I remember your original thread. I related to a lot of what you were going through at the time, and was routing for you as you worked through withdrawl. I'm sorry for all that is still happening, but glad that you are still here.

How are things going today?

Cards - Yet again I agree with 100% of your post. I sent you an email

Katie Mae - Thanks for your post, No I didn't actively seek him out. Actually the first time I saw him I was with H. Second time on my own. We live near a very small town with maybe 15 streets, so it is inevitable that we will see eachother.

You know I am having a VERY rough weekend. H and I just had a major talk about honesty a few days ago and I said that with his BPD he needs to be completely honest with everything if we are ever going to have a chance. We had another short discussion about it as he loaded up his things for work, left and didn't go. I had NO idea that he wasn't going to go. What does he do? Doesn't answer his phone while he's on his "shift" (kids sometimes call and leave him messages), comes home as if he's been there and doesn't say a word about not going. I had a sense that he didn't go and questioned him about it yesterday. He admitted that he didn't go was just gone "thinking" for 9 hours. I originally thought he was at a card game but he swears not. It really doesn't matter, I don't care where he was. What I care about is that in the middle of a conversation about HONESTY he knows he's not going to work but proceeds to go through all of the motions of going. He says he was going to tell me but I completely don't believe him.

I know I need to "get over" OM, but my life at home with H is making it almost impossible. My sincere apologies if this offends any BS's out there but it is my truth.

How can I make progress when I'm dealing with this with H? I'm having a rough day, I'll get it pulled together I always do. Tomorrows a new day right? Thanks for reading.

Just wanted to update - after a very bad weekend (gambling, missed work, lies) H has an appointment with a psych doc. tomorrow @ 10. He wasn't able to get in until Sept, but was on a cancellation list and can get in tomorrow. Hopefully this will give us some direction because I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall.

Hi Callie.

It's hard to know what to say.

I understand when you say you always get it pulled together. Someone has to do it - and he won't, so it's up to you. Not what you dreamed about when you wanted to marry.

I can't stay on long right now, I hope prayer gives some relief.

My daughters are calling me - must go.

SS

Hi Callie,

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. My heart goes out to you and your family.

I'm glad H was able to get an early appointment... boy, does he need it. Do you know if he's taking his meds?

Let us know how things go at the doctors. After your H becomes more stable, you really need to sit down and talk to him about the gravity of your situation. All of this missed work, lying and gambling have GOT to stop.

I can't tell you how much your posts have triggered me, and how awful these feelings are (and he was my brother, not my H... I can't even imagine.) I can remember my brother taking off from work to "think" ...at strip clubs (I'm NOT saying that's what your H is doing, but sometimes "thinking" means up to no good.)

Again, I am thinking about you and hope today goes well. Let us know how you are doing when you have a chance.

(((Callie)))

SS - Thank you for your thoughts, well wishes and prayers. I appreciate them!

Katie Mae - Thanks for your concern. I know I need to talk to H about these things and the severity of our marital problems. The thing is I have. I have talked until I'm blue in the face. I have screamed, yelled, cried. I've tried being a harda$$, a softy. Nothing registers with him. He does understand what I'm saying, but when it comes to actually correcting these behaviors (gambling, going to work, communication, HONESTY) he just won't step up. He will agree with me until the cows come home that he needs to stop gambling, missing work, lying. He won't stop this behavior though. His needs come first, they always have.

Well, H didn't go to his appt. Found out that insurance won't pay at the higher level because Dr. is not in network. I'm especially upset because I told H he needed to check this out BEFORE his appt. (This is huge for me to even ask him to be responsible for this - usually it's me that does all of that stuff). Very frustrated again today. Also, 4 days ago H voluntarily offered to stop playing cards. He said he was going to his last game and telling everyone there that this was his last game. It's "too hard to fight with you over it." I didn't say anything. 4 days later he goes to another card game. Right now his word means nothing to me.

I just don't know what to do anymore, where to turn. I get so frustrated and mad at myself for being indecisive. I am hopeful that a psych doc can help him if he can find one that deals with BPD, but the hope is dwindling very quickly. He did make some calls to insurance today, but it will probably be another 3-4 weeks before he can even get into one. Thanks for reading.

It's tough to come and read about the ongoing problems. It affects me, and I have difficult time dealing with it. Of course, I am a bystander, and you are living it. I can't even imagine how you have found the strength to cope with this for so long. I admire your willingness to continue to try. I think your children will admire you someday also.

faithinme said:
If he is truly bi-polar he probably does want to stop and hasn't been able to. With treatment and work, history doesn't have to repeat itself.

I believe you must find out if this is true. If it is, you know you have a chance.

This is not something I can be much help with, but you mentioned you have new material, and are looking into it. I hope you find answers that will make a difference. I hope he will step up and do his share plus a little.

We are all human - your strength is finite. I worry about that. You sounded like you were nearly at the end of your strength when you first started posting.
Always, always, you have picked up the slack, and made it work. Please be careful. I have seen many that come to MB try too hard, and then quit one day because they see no hope. Often it looks like their strength is gone, not that there are not promising signs.

Please include your own feelings in to your plan. Don't let yourself burn out. It would be far better to go to plan B - and separate from him while he works on himself, than to quit before it's time to quit.

It is something you ought to think about. It might be what BOTH of you need to make this work.

I don't have any idea how much he can really do, and what his limits are. How do you judge his actions, and say he is or isn't responsible for them? Perhaps if you find an expert in this field, you can get these answers too. I hope you can.

Time continues to go by. You care for the kids, you work, you take care of the home. You think about this and you probably don't' write all your thoughts. Some times you think it MIGHT work, sometimes you wonder why you try.

Sometimes you still wonder what might have been.

Please don't berate your self for your thoughts when you are down. Please do work on them, and seek to cultivate positive thoughts. Please do forgive yourself for your doubt.

Whatever happens - cure or not, this will take time. Perhaps it would help for you to give yourself a time line too.
Can you do one year? 18 months? 2 years? What do you think? Can your experts give you help with this?

A time line would help a great deal when he doesn't go to work, or makes other big mistakes. You tell yourself "I am giving this 2 years, (or whatever you think will work) and then I'll look at it again and make a decision. I know I can go that long, lets see how it goes long term."

It may help to journal your thoughts. Reading back can give you an idea of trends - good or bad that help you make decisions.

I just don't know what to do anymore, where to turn. I get so frustrated and mad at myself for being indecisive. I am hopeful that a psych doc can help him if he can find one that deals with BPD, but the hope is dwindling very quickly. He did make some calls to insurance today, but it will probably be another 3-4 weeks before he can even get into one. Thanks for reading.

If what FIM says is true, and this can be helped, it really will take time. Think about a timeline - and what you can reasonably do. Have a backup plan (like plan B - formal separation) for if you run out or strength and can't keep helping him.

Please don't be angry with yourself.

Indecision - Reluctance or an inability to make up one's mind; irresolution.

My opinion is that you are so tired of this that your inner self wants to get out. Your logical self reads new material, and understands that there might be a chance. You might not understand why you have these conflicting feelings - because you have made a logical decision to continue for a while.

Realize these parts of you are in conflict. Both of them make up this complicated, loving, kind, intelligent person we call YOU. Don't ignore your feelings in favor of logic. Take these feelings into account in your planning, and think about that backup plan. Be willing to be apart from him and work from a distance to give this a better chance if that's what it takes. You have the best chance of making this work if you can get your emotional self, and your logical self in sync.

Remember that we are not professionals -
We hope these ideas can help you fine tune your plan - but yours is the final decision. Please tell us your feelings, and don't be afraid of your thoughts and emotions. All of us have limited strength - this is your early warning system so don't ignore these feelings.

Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. There is always sunshine following the darkness and misery of the storm.
Always.
Look for it, and expect it. It may only come in bits, and patches, but it will be there for you.

People care about you.

SS

SS - Such a kind person you are - It seems that everytime I have tried to get help with doc's, MC's - the focus is ALWAYS on him, his problems. My feelings always get shoved to the side because his problems are greater than mine. MC's think if they can "fix him", I'll be ok - I'm strong.

Thank you for SEEING my side. I am at the end of my rope and I know that I don't have years left in me with this M. It's more like months - if that. I am in complete turmoil. I hurt daily. I'm going to stop for now, but thank you for being such a kind soul. Please don't let my problems be a burden to you or your life. I will be ok, eventually I will. I will find my way - I know it.

Your problems are not a burden to my life. I hurt when others hurt - empthy has always been with me, a strength or a weakness, depending on how you look at it.

I count it a good thing - but sometimes painful. It is a warning to me what might happen if I don't take proper care of our marriage.

If the MC can't see both sides, I can't imagine how they can help the two of you heal this rift. He is only half the marriage. Sometimes more, sometimes less. (grin)

Think about a time line - making it part of a plan will give you more time than "winging" it.

One more thing -
I suggested you do the Recreational quizz, and see if there are things you can do together for fun. I still encourage this.

You BOTH need something besides work, work, work. If there are things on that form that both of you would enjoy, and they don't take lots of emotional strength from you to endure his companionship it will help both of you to make this work.

For instance, my W and I have gotten a picnic together and gone to the park and talked. I think this would be very hard on you right now. And from what you have said, he wouldn't do it anyway. Look for things that will work.

We have also gone to plays put on by the local high school. These were not expensive, and they did not require much emotional investment - our focus was on the play, not on each other.

Righ now, there are no HS plays - because it's summer, but please think about this. (Not going to a play, but finding things that both of you might enjoy) It won't hurt you at all to do something for fun. You need it. He needs it. Please print the sheets off the web site - you don't need to buy anything to do that. Ask him to look at it - and check off things he would enjoy doing. You do the same.

Things that BOTH of you would enjoy are the things to look at.

Right now you are waiting for a psych doc to fix him, but that is weeks, or months away, if it happens.

If you can find a way to laugh with him, and be with him without it being a burden on you, it will help.

Perhaps a double date with friends?

We used to play poker with match sticks - and sometimes pennies. Everyone started with 50 cents in pennies, and the when the money was all in one persons hands, or 2 hours was passed, the game was over.

Think about this, OK?
I remember you saying there are only 15 streets in town, that would make it harder unless there are larger towns close to you. The Rec form will give you ideas though - things that might not occur to you naturally.

Doing something is better than waiting and watching.
Especially if it's something you want to do. Don't settle for things he wants, that you don't want.

I am glad you have faith that you will be OK in time. I believe it too - lets see if it can be sooner, rather than later.

SS

SS - How can you suggest poker when dealing with a gambling addict? LOL - just kidding. He's been trying for years to teach me poker. I obviously am repulsed by the game and have no interest!

I hear what you say - as far as a timeline. I'm thinking after the first of the year. That should be ample time to get him to a psych.doc and get him on correct meds. That is what I'm thinking right now. When I look to the future, I can do it. It's the day to day stuff that kills me.

I agree that we need to find something "fun". I have a very hard time with this though, because I don't "want" to be with him unless we're doing something around the house, watching a movie or being "productive". I guess that is the resentment in me.

Thanks again for reading - I really appreciate it.

RE: Poker -
I was wondering if you would feel that way. Remember - when brainstorming we include all ideas, no matter how bad they might seem at the time. LOL.

If you look at all the angles, you just MIGHT find something that works.

I have a very hard time with this though, because I don't "want" to be with him unless we're doing something around the house, watching a movie or being "productive". I guess that is the resentment in me.

If you find something on the rec sheet that you really want to do - it will be more likely that you will go even if he goes too. (Sounds bad, but I don't know how else to say it.)

Many MC's try to get you to fix what's wrong, in the hopes that you will then be able to fall in love again.

Dr Harley tries to get you to fall in love so you will want to fix what's wrong.

Time together is an important part of falling in love. You would understand that.

The other key part is NO LOVE BUSTERS - and I don't think that one can be addressed until he gets a good doc who can help him with the right meds, etc. He has destroyed your love for him and it seems you don't really even want it back. That is hard to cope with.


The thing is - you say you are going to try. So, I see our job as helping you increase your chances as much as we can.

I read your comments again, and I think that doing things around the house is a good "together" way to spend time.

As long as both of you want to do it, and you are not angry at each other, it will help your relationship. If one of you resents doing whatever it is, that resentment will carry over to your feelings for the other as you work.

If you are not willing to spend time with him, and you can't see it happening in the future, you might as well file now. I mean, what do you really have if you can't stand the sight of him?

Your turn - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

SS