I am so depressed about my marriage I don't know where to start. THe problem is I can't even _communicate_ with my husband. He won't engage. He can talk about the weather or a tv show, but nothing more substantial. He gets angry and rude (verbally abusive if I push things) if I bring up any topic more intimate than the weather/tv/kids activities. I need to tell him our marriage is in trouble. When I tell him I'm unhappy, he blames me and says "too bad". I honestly don't think he cares if I am happy; if he does he has such a big ego he won't admit it to me. We have four children and as long as I don't bother him or talk to him about much we do fine... kind of co-exist. He gets his laundry done (ok, not great, sometimes it takes a while to work through the folding), meals, clean house, well cared for children, I work part time from home (though he criticises this becuase he says I do it for me... but at least it is a hobby that makes good money)... all I want is a little respect and affection. I've been good about giving him what he wants and I'm afraid to not give it to him.

So after a recent episode where I called him with a problem (a stranger started an altercation with me in a parking lot-- it was brief and I said very little before just getting the heck out of there) and he lectured me about it instead of being sympathetic... I wrote him a letter to try to tell him how I felt and how I do feel about our marriage. I have so much trouble talking to him becuase he is a good debater and immediately verbally shuts me down by being rude and emotional... so I thought if I wrote him a letter I could organize my thoughts and maybe he'd understand.

But he refused to read the letter. He said "If you have something to say, tell me." It was a pretty threatening tone of voice so I told him to please read the letter. But he wouldn't.

I give up!! I went to counseling by myself two years ago... I'd do anything to make this work and make him happy but I'm running out of energy and enthusiasm for getting this to work. I don't know how to upset this unbalance of power he has over me and restore a good relationship.

Divorce is not an option so the only recourse I have is complete withdrawl and a pretty miserable married life... though I _love_ my kids.

I've thought about suicide as a way out, and while it wouldn't bother me as a way to get away from my husband, I just could never do it to my kids.

RIght now I see it like I'll have to live like this until the kids are grown and then leave him... but even then that might upset our kids....

Any ideas before I withdraw completely??

inWithdrawal,

My H is a very good debator as well, and can turn things around on me faster than you can say "What?" You say that you can write things down and it makes it easier for you to figure out your thoughts. This is good. I do the same thing. If your H will not read the letter that you wrote for him why don't you read it to him. I've done this with my H before, because, like I said before, he could turn things around on me. Sometimes I would be trying to say one thing and then all of a sudden he would turn everything right back around on me. That's when I started writing things down and reading them to him. It helps me know that I'm saying exactly what I want to say. It also keeps you from accidentally saying something that you don't want to say.

IW...

Welcome...have you been reading all you can on this website? How about books, His Needs, Her Needs; and Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Dr. Harley?

How about, "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman?

There is so much you have in your life, a lot of power...with human limits...

Would you read "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend?

Spend your time focusing on learning, for you...make it your hobby while H watches tv for a few weeks...learn about living in freedom, responsibility and love...

oh, and for your kids and your marriage..."Between Parent and Child."

You choose hope...you choose your actions, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions and perspectives. Choose not to believe in a dismal future...find out how relationships work, and work well, how important you are...and how you can inject respect into your marriage...

You've arrived at a great place...take advantage of it. Thrive yourself, then your marriage.

LA

Thank you... both of you.

I guess reading him the letter is an obvious solution I missed-- Thanks! Even if he won't let me read him the letter verbatim, it might be good to have notes and keep notes in the future <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />. So thanks for the advice...

As for the recommended reading... I'm off to my library to see what I can find of what you recommend. Thank you for your encouragement.

Um, “even if he won’t let me read it verbatim”????? Let you? I’m getting a bad feeling about this. What about being criticized for “doing something for yourself”? Your husband doesn’t think you should be allowed a hobby, let alone one that makes money?

Why is divorce not an option? For financial or spiritual reasons? If for the latter, have you discussed your problems with your spiritual advisor, pastor, rabbi? Or is divorce not an option because you’re afraid of your H?

InWithdrawal, this has a scary feel to me, so I’m going to ask: has your husband ever hit or shoved you? Please don’t take offense to the question. It’s just that my advice would be dramatically different depending on your answer.

I know how upsetting it is to be ignored and not valued...I have been there. Do you have someone that you know well and trust and you can talk to so that you can set some goals or a plan on how to do things differently. Your husband definitely needs to be shaken up...(I am assuming he is not violent). You might check out other websites too (I also go to **edit** which has great message boards also. If you stay in this marriage, You owe it to yourself and your kids to make the relationship healthier.
Wishing you lots of luck,