I'm 26 my wife is 23 we have a 2 year old daughter.
We have been married 5 years July 27th.

i posted this elsewhere and was informed i would get better advice in this forum.

Two weeks ago my wife came to me and told me she wanted a divorce because she loved me but wasn't in love with me. We talked it over and decided to try and work it out. She decided we should seperate to see if time away would get her feelings back. We still talk on the phone everyday and do things together. I guess my question is do you think there is hope for us? What is some advice to help make our marriage work? (that was my original post)

First thing that was asked was if there was a chance for an affair and i said i didnt think so because no weird calls come no time of mystery of where she is at. if she is not with me she is at work or at her moms where she is staying. we still hang-out and talk on the phone everyday. we got scheduled for marriage counseling. she said she wants it to work just doesn't have the (i love you) feeling. people have told me that many marriages go thru this because the spark of when we first started out isnt there anymore and that it is normal.

U married a child and now wonder (5 years later) if she grew up? Probably not.

Affair or not, she isn't mature.....not yet.

So what attracted you to such a teenager when you should have been looking for a mature wife?

Call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling and a plan. My hunch is she wants to have an affair. She is babbling as if she is a WS so don't be surprised if she is having at the very least an EA.

What does her mother think of her move? A real mom would tell her daughter to grow up and go back to her responsibilities. Where is your child?

L.

what i got from your post is that im a cradle robber and my wife is immature. we know we got married young. but it has been a wonderful 5 years up until a couple weeks ago. our child stays with both of depending on our work schedule who has her on any given night. and for the real mother comment she should be there for her daughter i dont know exactly what she said (wasnt there). lots of married people seperate to work things out dont think its imaturity.

sounds like you went thru something similar and had a bad outcome.

Don't be so defensive. That is not what Orchid said at all. But you married an 18 year old girl who had no idea what marriage meant. Now she has a responsibility of a small child. Many girls about this age wonder what they might have been missing. She has given up her single adulthood. Nothing wrong with that. Many do it and do it successfully.

Either she is having an affair, about to have an affair or wants to have an affair. That could be the result of problems in the marriage or could be a result of her immaturity and the realization that her freedom has been taken away from her forever. Think about turning 20 years old. Nobody wants to turn 20 when they are 19. It is a big step being 20. The same thing happens going from 29 to 30.

I don't think most 18 yr old girls are ready to settle down, get a picket fence and start investing in the 401K for retirement. What is it your wife really wants that she is not getting in the marriage?

wasn't getting mad or anything that is just what it sounded like to me. i know she was young but so was i. i was only 21. i think what drove her to feeling this way is that i wasn't really there emotionally for her just kinda was there in space. but she never said she was unhappy about anything i did. if she wanted an affair why would she still want to do things with me and want to go to a counsoler. i guess maybe why it sounded like i was getting defensive was because that the only thing people say is she is having an affair and nothing else. like it couldn't be that she just lost feelings and really does want it to work it out. but no it has to be an affair. just seems so negative on here. i know its just peoples opinions and i asked for them. i dont know really confused. just wish we didnt have to wait 2 weeks for the counsoler. hope they can really help us out.

Well first of all you are posting on an infidelity forum so affairs kinda go with the territory. The other thing that is classic is the "I love you but I'm not in love with you". That is the catch phrase of afairees. Just because she never said she was unhappy doesn't mean she wasn't. On the other hand, maybe now she is trying to convince herself that she was always unhappy. I would still be vigilant of the affair. Could just be an EA with a co-worker. Maybe she is just going through a mid-life crisis. Like I said, she realizes now that she will never know what it is like to be young and single. Does she have any friends that are going through a similar crisis? I have always found these sorts of things to be somewhat contageous.

the reason i posted here is im new and others told me to post here because it gets the most traffic. i understand that just because she never told me she wasn't happy meant she was. i just meant that i never really knew anything was wrong. i understand now from me not really being there for her emotionally that she hasnt been happy for awhile. she only works a part time job and whenever i call or show up its just her and another female. not any friends going thru this that i know of. we dont really have many friends that we hang out with pretty much all our free time was spent with family or just me, her and our daughter. why an affair seems so far fetched. just no red flags at all. always where she says she is, always answers phone, no wierd calls, we even have each others email passwords. that swhy i think she just lost feelings from me not "being" there. i guess my main question is if there is hope for the feelings to come back and if this happens to others without the affair.

Feelings are just feelings. Your wife can be happy with you if she chooses to be happy with you. You need to be something that she wants. Even if she is not having an A, you can still Plan A the relationship. There is nothing wrong with that. Have you read up on Plan A?

I agree 200%........this same thing happened to me. I started dating my EX when she was 17. We got married when she was 21, and when she turned 23 she wanted a divorce....reason??? She felt like she missed out on life. A 3mo. separation with her dating other guys brought her right back home apologizing to me. Fast forward 7yrs and 2 children later.......same thing happened. My EX said she just felt like something was missing in her life and that she really didnt have an excuse for leaving except to be single (with children) I guess <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. Well, I gave her the divorce she wanted and remarried 2yrs later.

NOW.....she has apologized again, and said she wishes she could turn back the hands of time to when we were married.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Anyhow, it sounds like your wife is feeling she missed out on independence,dating, and freedom. Unfortunately I dont think she will change unless you let her go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I didn't go through that myself. I just got to watch this scenario played over and over again. That is 1 reason I waited until I was mature enough to marry. My H was 27 when we married and I was 32. Still infidelity bite into our M but by then I was more assured of me. I didn't have to go 'find myself'.

I am sorry you were offended but young marriages have this tendency more often than older marriages. Just something for you to think about when your little ones get around those years and even before that.

The basic constant piece of all separations involve selfish attitudes on the part of at least 1 mate. Lack of communication is very damaging. When one mate says they 'gotta go find themselves' it confuses the faithful mate. That's because it's a lie / excuse that WS is giving just to get out and go to things not becoming of a married person.

If you as the faithful spouse falls for those lines, you can be easily manipulated into enabling her selfish greedy acts which could culminate in things like an affair, wild spending spree, lots of plastic surgery, drinking binges, drugs, etc. Notice how these things DON'T make a better marriage.

Yes, you both married young but that's not an excuse to do what she is doing. So don't let her use that as an excuse. You need to sharpen up on your wits and get MB smart. Start by getting a good MC familar with MB principles or call Jennifer C @ MB. Also read the books like His Need/Her Needs for starters.

Learn how NOT to get taken on the A roller coaster. Which btw, I think has already started running in your area. It isn't a fun ride.

Sorry t/b so rough. I don't like to see young families dealing with such an ugly issue...... actually I don't like to see any family deal with this issue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Btw, Piojitos.....thank's for clarifying it for him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> 'ever grateful' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Wait. What is the hang up on the age issue? Is it written somewhere that the dynamics of infidelity are any different for someone who married at 21 versus someone who married at 45? I think the only real difference might be the amount of opportunity for infidelity, opportunity being slightly more limited as you get older.


He was 21 at the time. He was probably attracted to his 18 year old wife at the time, instead of a mature 45 year old. It sounds normal to me.

So what. He married young. Lots of us did. We grew up too. We weren't locked into immaturity as though our lives stood still the moment we became married.

He's an adult now and has an adult problem. And so does his wife, who also happens to be an adult. To suggest his marriage is somehow more likely doomed because he married young is just plain short-sighted. There is no evidence to suggest that the solution is somehow different because of the route he took to get here.

IMMF, her declaration that she loves you, but is not 'in love' with you has a huge significance to those of us that have been betrayed. I know that when I heard it from my wife, i couldn't really comprehend the distinction, having never previously thought about it. I'm still not sure that the distinction exists in the mind of the faithful. So, maybe the fact that she has even pondered the distinction is an indication of an affair in development or in progress. And, that is another thing that can be hard to comprehend. I'd be doing a whole bunch of snooping.

The thing to really be thinking about now is if the marriage is important to you. And, if so, are you willing to do the things needed to protect it? How you got here doesn't matter as much as where you want to go. You should start doing things to protect your marriage from an affair, even in the absence of any hard evidence of an affair.

IMMF,

Welcome to MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

However you got into this situation, this is where you are.

You are parents - both of you, and longing for lost childhood (if that's what's going on with your W) is not going to make for a good future for your child.

My ex-w had our child when she was 21 also, and also started talking about getting her own apartment when our child was 3-4 months old. I don't know if two people make a statistically significant sample. Actually, I do know. They don't. But, I think it is safe to say that as we grow older we do tend to think a little bit more long-term. Does your w believe that simply because she is not "in love", it's fine to subject your child to the destruction of the family? Or... that just for her chance to feel good, her child should endure 16 years of going back and forth between parents with a suitcase in hand?

I know. I'm writing to the wrong person. Your wife is not reading here.

If you have neglected her ... not "been there" for her, you can change yourself - and it will make a difference - but if there is an ongoing affair, she will be almost blind to the changes you make (at least until some time passes). That's why it's very important to figure out what you are up against.

Were her parents divorced? How many times was her Mom married? What kind of home-life did she experience? Are her parents generally supportive of your marriage? Or, have they never liked you? What is your W's relationship with her Dad?

In what way were you "not there" for her?

Tell us more...

-AD

There is no hangup on age. It is simply that an 18 year old girl has probably lived her entire life being taken care of by her parents. She gets married and is now taken care of by her husband. At some point the "greener grass" scenario kicks in and the young lady begins to wonder what life could have been like. She wonders who she might have become or what she might have done. Throw in a small child, loads of parental responsibility and she begins to see her life as being over and she is still so young. She has never been on her own and develops low self-esteem because she thinks she is somehow less of a person because she cannot take care of herself.

We are surrounded by advertising slogans like "just do it", "no fear", etc. We are bombarded by messages that tell us if we are not living life to the max, we are missing something. It all depends on what we value most. If we value family and children most, no problem. There are so many things I want to do but realize I never will be able to because of my girls. I don't care. The girls are more important to me. That was the choice I made when I had them.

If someone has been single for a while before getting married, at least they know the advantages and disadvantages. If someone has never known single life and they are not completely happy in their marriage, I am sure there must be a big pull. How can a mother think about hurting her small child by separation or divorce for her own personal satisfaction? If there is abuse or other serious issue, that is different. So something is seriously going on with a woman who would do such a thing. Counseling is definitely in order.

before we got married she and her sister were living on their own for about a year. her mom and dad split when she was young (he was abusive and very controlling) her step dad who was there for pretty much her whole life as her father figure. they didnt have the greatest of relationships until she around she turned 17. after that they got along pretty well. until he passed away this last oct (on her birthday to make matters worse) me her parents got along very well and still do with her mom. they supported our marriage only told us we were young and to make sure that is what we wanted. since she left we have had better conversations than we ever did before. im finding out what i was doing to make her unhappy (household chores, not really listening to her not making big deals out of holidays, birthdays. not really showing her how much i loved her. i have changed because i want her to be happy. she didnt take a whole lot of her stuff with her, her mom only lives about 20 mins away so she comes over alot. we have discussed "date night" and she said it was a good idea. so once a week we will have alone time. it seems she really wants it to work just has no feelings and wants them back. we printed out the emotional questionaire and are filling it out. sorry about the jumping around just type what i think as i go.

Your last post still shows the focus is in the wrong area. It is fine for your to better yourself but do it for yourself and NOT to please her.

So far what you wrote is not going to please a selfish WS. Please go read Surviving an Affair. The WS wants to see the BS fail. You can't let that happen. If you say right, she will say left. If you say left, she will say right. If you are dealing with a WS, it doesn't matter what you say or do, she won't like it.

Give this a lot of thought before you plunge yourself into this R and sell your soul to the WS instead of your W.

JMHO,
L.

dont really understand all the abreveations you guys use on here? a little help please. WS i know is something with a wife having an affair. for the bettering myself for only me i kinda agree but thru our talks we let each other know things that have bothered us both and she has made changes to.

I would have to respectfully disagree with Orchid here. Filling your spouse's emotional needs is fundamental to the MarriageBuilders "system." This is true whether in "Plan A" or just working in general to make your marriage better.

Making yourself better - in the context of MarriageBuilding - means making yourself a better husband.

If you have been neglecting her - and you have already told us about some areas in which she felt neglected, you have really nothing to lose by fixing that. Learning to be attentive to her needs may or may not save your marriage, but it won't hurt you a bit.

From your description of your wife's childhood, it seems that she is following the script of her mother's life. Her parents "split" when she was very young and now, she's heading in the direction of arranging the same experience for her child. Probably, she is not even aware of the pattern. Have you two discussed that?

I think you are on the right track by doing the Emotional Need's questionaire's for each other. Still, serious snooping is in order to rule out the possiblity that she has another man somewhere in the picture.

The fact that she is already doing the EN (emotional needs) survey gives some reason to hope that she's willing to work with you. You know, it might be helpful to have her come here and give us her side of the story.

-AD

AD,

Sorry for the misunderstanding. I meant for him NOT to meet the ENs of the WS. Meeting the ENs of his W is a given for me.

R we still at a disagreement?

L.

My observation with regard to making the changes and for whom..

A person who makes changes in order to be a better person once they have identified a fault or flaw or bad habit is a person who will not resent the outcome no matter what.

A person who makes the changes in order to BE a better spouse is paying more attention to the REACTION than the principle. They are looking for the magic pill.

They WANT something..they want to manipulate the outcome..they are also very likely to fall into resentment if the changes do not deliver as they expected.

Which is why I always advise..make the changes for YOU not to BE something to someone else..be satisfied that you have done what you could..and that you like the changes you have made..you agree with them regardless of the outcome of the marriage.