I don';t know if i am just torturing myself but i am obsessed with the feelings my wife has/had for the other man. i am about 50% sure she loves him more than me and is only not with him because he rejected her.
Its a rock in my chest that weighs me down everyday, i feel so empty and lonely inside that the Taker in me just wants to run away and start over, make the pain stop.

Am i wrong to be thinking you don't love your spouse the way you used to when you commits an act like infidelity and affairs?

It seems i am obsessed with the fact that 2 years ago she would not have done this, or 5 or 10 or 12 years ago.
So if she could do it 8 months ago then the way she felt about me has changed from the 12 years we were together.

Is this just me torturing myself?
isn;'t the fact that she loves another man relevant to our situation? Aren't these acts indicative of not caring about your spouse?

My wife watched as this tore me up inside for 8 months and never really made any effort to come clean, not until i dragged some of the truth put of her like a crazy person.
Now i feel like i don't know her and that so much of her is hidden from me that i feel like i have lost my best freind as well as my wife and lover.

I am still waiting for Radical Honesty but i fear i will get another partial truth revelation instead as i have gotten that last 20-30 times we have done this.

I keep trying to tell her that this is gonna be the last time, i can;t take any more lies, our marriage cannot survive it.

I think I went through a similar period. It took me a long time to understand that OM had nothing to do with anything.

"I am still waiting for Radical Honesty but i fear i will get another partial truth revelation instead as i have gotten that last 20-30 times we have done this."

This will kill your M. I called them information confirmation sessions. I would gather the info and she would confirm it (or tell the truth). After that session I realized the story was now a bit shakey with this new info and had another information confirmation session. This lasted for 3 years now each time diminsihing the love I had for her. Each time of course my gut was right that she was not being honest. Each time more hurt, pain, humiliation etc.

You are fixating on what he meant to her. Each OP fills something that is missing. You know I do disagree with some of what is said here about the deterioration of the M being both peoples faults.

Sometimes a WS gets drunk and has an A. Sometimes it is a midlife crisis. Sometimes it is a drastic change in appearance. IE weight loss or plastic surgery. Non of these are excusable but it happens.

You could be giving your FWS everything they need but then they make a bad decesion and find the faults in your M.

Back to your question did she love you. Maybe yes maybe no. But the fact of the matter is she had to believe she didn't or she would not have been able to have an A.

It is hard to justifiy hurting someone you love so much so they just say they don't anymore.

When the fog clears maybe she will see you had problems but they shouldn't have made her love you less they should have made you both work harder to fix them.

Yes. I am not an expert, I am going through the same thing. Focusing on "them" will only bring you down. I got really depressed when I did that. Now is a perfect time to look at what was wrong with the M (notice I didn't say what you did wrong or what she did wrong).

The A should shed some light on the things that were lacking. I focused on meeting the ENs that I neglected and she noticed right away. I am working on setting boundaries (what is acceptable, etc.) but she is still in the fog about hurting everyone.

It is like an alien has taken over my WS body and she can't control anything she says or does.

I am taking this time to see a therapist and figure out how to take care of myself and how to better myself for me and my kids. Forcing her to do anything will do no good, however, demand that she must show you respect and be honest (in a non confrontational way.)

If she is willing to try, take that as a good sign and look at this as a beginning to the rest of your life. Things will only get better.

this sounds a bit like, "she will lie anyways so don't bother asking or trying to find out"

I am not sure i can live like that, honesty is a big thing with me. I mean if she can't face honesty how am i supposed to face all the hurt i have to deal with? the stomping on my ego she has done?

But she can't still behonest? i see it as anv important test of her commitement to our marriage? whether or not she is willing to make effort or just contintue on doing what she has been doing all along

Ver --
Your "need to know" is going to cause you further pain.
You are asking her to participate in hurting you.
She CAN'T do it. The simple fact that she is trying to avoid hurting you should show you that she is trying to do her part in recovery.

How a person feels on one particular day is different than how they will feel about the same thing 6 months later, 2 years later, etc. You're asking her to go back in time and recreate all the feelings she had at that time. Its NOT something she wants to do.

And yes -- during that point in time she probably did feel differently about you. It part of the whole justification process. But that doesn't mean that things aren't better now. Or could be even better in the future.

Your need to know vs. her not wanting to discuss it -- is something you should navigate with a counselor. Are you seeing one?

"this sounds a bit like, "she will lie anyways so don't bother asking or trying to find out"

No Ver this is not the message I intended. That was my experiance.

Unless I had solid concrete proof she was not being honest she would not be honest. I hated it and don't recommend to anyone that they follow this path.

I am sorry to say but I wish I held a hardline long ago. I will end this M if you will not tell me what happened from start to finish of your A. I will need to hear "THE SAME EXACT STORY" more then once. If the story changes we are back to square one where I need to hear the same exact story until it is completely truthful and believable.

If you cannot do this at some point I will not stay with you. The damage is done do not try to be dishonest at this point. That will cause even more damage!!!!

"The simple fact that she is trying to avoid hurting you should show you that she is trying to do her part in recovery."

I disagree with this. She is trying to avoid the consequences of what she has done. The less you know the less the consequences.

Read Harley on Radical Honesty and also read the part on compensation.

The FWS needs to compensate the BS equally for the harm they have done. You cannot borrow a dollar and offer to pay back a dime.

So the less she admits to the less compensation.

My FWW was finally somewhat radically honest to me and after it she said. What difference does it make now.

She successfully stone walled me until really as far as consequences etc. it didn't make a differenc. Her dishonesty actually made it better for her but not me.

I can tell you that I wish I had radical honesty long ago. I am assessing the damage now about these new details and her attitude that it didn't matter.

The funny thing about it is my FWW didn't even use the standard I didn't want to hurt you anymore. At least that would have made it a little better. LOL