My wife and I have been married for a little over 3 years, with her 10 yr old daughter from a previous relationship. I have accepted the little one as my own, and we have great relationship. A week ago, I happened upon something that didn't sit well with me regarding my wife. When asked about it, there was shock in her voice, and the excuses began. At first she was saddened by my pain, but admitted to nothing. After several hours of conversation with no sort of headway, she finally admitted to the "OP". This brought up the reasons, which burst my bubble of our happy life. I believe that there is still hope for us, by her actions, but I still have doubts.

I have just a question,

1. since she is still uneasy about the whole thing, and is not letting everything out, should i contact the OP, or talk to a friend of hers that is aware?

If OP is married or has a girlfriend it is essential that you expose this to them as soon as possible. In addition, a no contact letter should be sent to the OP. Be prepared that a cheating spouse will rarely tell you the whole truth.
Finally it is very important that the both of you be tested for STD's as quickly as possible.
Good Lucki.

Gather as much information you can first. Read everything you can on this MB website on affairs so you know and understand what you are dealing with. Exposing the OM to his wife yes is important but you need to read this stuff first. I printed the stuff on affairs and gave it to my husband to read. It opened his eyes to the " I am the only person in the world feeling this way" mind set and things slowly started coming together.

Order Surving an Affair by Harley which you can find in the Bookstore and on Amazon.com. This book is crucial.

I hope this helps a little. Keep your chin up and try to keep your temper from taking control. Turn on the charm and make your home as inviting and safe as it can be. This is something you probably think is nuts, you will understand it better after you read.

Good luck. There are a lot of us that will be there for you!

7142

In no way can I offer any advice other than to tell you what I did wrong and that I feel your pain. I guess I could be the poster boy for things you dont want to do to survive an A. I agree I should have done all of the above except I wish I hadnt "turned on the charm" as much as I did.

I felt pretty foolish after the whole truth came out and wish that I could have simply shown her earlier on how strong I could have been without her and what she would be missing. The foolish feelings and lengths I went to only added to my resentment when the real D-day arrived.

So, my advice would be, in addition to most of the above, stay strong, dont issue ultimatums, dont loose your cool and gather facts before exposure as much as possible.

I did contact the other man and he denied everything saying they were just co-workers. I felt that I had lowered myself to his level. I even apologized to him. Imagine that apologizing to someone for p*rking your wife. If I had most of the puzzle pieces he wouldnt have been able to deny it. It was a false exposure for me and they continued seeing each other feeling that they had dodged the bullet. Not to mention that I felt like an idiot who was overly jealous.

my 2 cents hope it helps

My biggest advice would be to stay calm. Expect this to take a while to work out. A big hurdle is passed in that the affair is no longer a secret, so the famtasy is already rocky. If it were me, I would contact the OP to let them know but I would do it differently than I did. I would just let the OP know that I knew, and tell them to back off and get out of my marriage. (When I did it, I argued, and there really is no use in arguing - the OP probably would just want to justify themselves and their behavior. Don't fall for that - just be brief and say "backoff and get out of my marriage". I will say a prayer for you and yours.

allforone

allforone... good advice about staying calm... that it will take some time to work through.

Wrkanman...I would suggest a different approach, though, then telling OP to "back off". Breaking up an A and getting past the fog is like being in a battle. If an invading army was told by the defenders to "back off" and get off my land, I don't think they would listen. They feel entitled, they feel strong, they feel in the driver's seat. I called OM when I found out and talked about it... said that I understood how it could happen, how any man would want to be with my W. He apologized and gave excuses and said it would end... then I found out 3 weeks later they were still regularly in contact.

Most on here will tell you to gather your proof and then expose to all that can make a difference. The A will turn ugly when it is exposed to the truth. Leaving it in the hands of the A partners to "do the right thing" rarely works. That is the affect of the addiction. To just believe an alchaholic that they won't drink again, is foolish. It is the same with an A.

Keep reading and posting.

Patience.

Shaden

Thank you all for the info, It is in deed very comforting to know that I am not alone in this. A brotherhood of sorts. Only 2 weeks into it, and things seem ok, though I still feel that there is still along way to go. We will keep posted. She has also gotten on here, don't know if she haas posted, but she haas at least been reading...I can see her thinking...unsure if it is good or bad...I can only hope.